texts from ex (dumper) after breaking up

[lovemy2k9s]

My ex dumped me two weeks ago after a 1-year relationship. Not long before, she told me I was "her person". We had a blissful relationship up until about a month or so before she left. I started noticing her getting distant. I tried so hard to fix it. She's not one to communicate so finally I had to ask her. She said all the typical BS breakup cliches--I'm in a bad space, I'm in a funk, I lost my feelings for you, I don't know if I can get them back, or ever, I don't love you, I don't want to be with you that way, all I can give you is friendship--etc. Pretty much the whole list. 

I told her I didn't want to be just her friend, and then there is nothing left to say except sorry it didn't work out and I wish you well. I wasn't about to sit around and let her assuage her guilt and be her doormat and then suddenly disappear when she finds someone new. It was a weekday morning and I had to take the day off because I couldn't hold it together.

The very next morning, she texted me to ask me if it would bother me if she still contacted me. I said I'd rather you not, I wish you well, take care. I stopped all communication and went radio silent on social media. Since that, 5 days later she sent a text that said I hope you're doing ok, please let me know if and when you want to talk. That was it. I never answered her back. I already told her not to contact me so I felt this very disrespectful.

I don't really want to talk to her. In reflection, I realized a LOT about her that should have been a red flag but, of course, I didn't see it as such at the time. I stopped following her on social media so I don't know what she's up to (doing this for myself) but my BFF told me she made some post yesterday that made her look like a self-absorbed douchecanoe and my best friend felt bad for her. I asked my best friend not to tell me about her any more. 

I guess my actual question is, what was the real purpose of her text messages? Why would she want to stay in contact and then think I wanted to talk when I already told her I didn't? Why reach out when I couldn't have made it any more clear?

My friends said it's her loss 100% and I'm the one that got away, where she is concerned. And that she's too self-absorbed and jumps from relationship to relationship looking for whatever. That made me feel at least somewhat better.

If anyone has any insight or advice, I welcome it. 🙂 

[Rose Mosse]

I believe you’ve hit the nail on the head with self-absorbed and “assuage her guilt”. Keep in mind especially twisted individuals like to see others in pain and suffer. She may get an ego stroke from seeing you heartbroken and get more of a boost thinking she can “help”. She seems to be out of touch with reality. 

Leave her alone and continue with your boundaries which seem quite good. Let this dust settle and give yourself a few more weeks.

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I guess my actual question is, what was the real purpose of her text messages? Why would she want to stay in contact and then think I wanted to talk when I already told her I didn't? Why reach out when I couldn't have made it any more clear?

 

Who knows? Some generally dont want to lose contact and stay friends.  Some offer friendship to make them feel less a bad guy but genuinly dont care. Some others do it to keep you there in case other options dont work out. She seems like a third option. If she is self-absorbed it also makes sense that she cant comprehend how you are unphased with the break up and how you even turned off friendship. Imagine that you dont even want to be friends with her after she broke up lol

Anyway, you did great and handled all very good. Keep NC and you would be moving on in no time.

[lovemy2k9s]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

She may get an ego stroke from seeing you heartbroken and get more of a boost thinking she can “help”.

Ego stroke! That's exactly what my friend said, that she's looking for that next one to stroke her ego.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, lovemy2k9s said:

my BFF told me she made some post yesterday that made her look like a self-absorbed douchecanoe

Sorry this happened. What were the real reasons for the breakup? Is there someone else for you/her? Were there different goals/values or other incompatibilities?

She's contacting you because you haven't deleted and blocked her and ALL her people from ALL your social media, contact lists, messaging apps and devices. 

Are you hoping to reconcile?

[melancholy123]

Ego stroke is my guess too.  Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter.  You are moving on which is what you need to do.  Tell your friend to not tell you any more about her.  

[lovemy2k9s]

Her real reasons were only the list she gave. She said "incompatible" but incompatible is BS, especially in our case. I don't know if I'm hoping to reconcile--at this point I still need to get over it. I don't think I can ever reconcile though. 

[Rose Mosse]

9 minutes ago, lovemy2k9s said:

Her real reasons were only the list she gave. She said "incompatible" but incompatible is BS, especially in our case. I don't know if I'm hoping to reconcile--at this point I still need to get over it. I don't think I can ever reconcile though. 

Be with your dogs. They sound more loyal. ❤️

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

what was the real purpose of her text messages? Why would she want to stay in contact and then think I wanted to talk when I already told her I didn't?

To make herself feel less guilty. 

Or to keep you warm in case she decides the single life isn't working out for her and she wants a fall-back option. 

Either way, you're doing the right thing by cutting her off. It sucks, but it's best when she has made it clear she doesn't want to continue the relationship. 

[lostandhurt]

You are doing everything right except trying to figure out why she is doing anything or reasons for her actions.

They don't matter and the answers would probably set you back more than help you heal.

  Stay NC on her and she will find some poor other guy to distract her from her life for a while until she gets  bored and moves on again.

 Answers seem like they will help but they rarely do because all the answers in the world will not turn back the clock and undo the break up.

Looks like she did you a big favor and soon enough you will see it too.

 Stay strong and keep the NC going on all fronts.

 Lost

[jul-els]

There’s no way to get inside someone else’s head and know what they’re thinking. You’re wondering why now, because you’re still feeling some attachment to her. Just stay the course you’re on, and in time it won’t matter anymore. Just continue moving on. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

Her real reasons were only the list she gave. She said "incompatible" but incompatible is BS, especially in our case. I don't know if I'm hoping to reconcile--at this point I still need to get over it. I don't think I can ever reconcile though. 

How is a one year relationship blissful if one person doesn't communicate?

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I guess my actual question is, what was the real purpose of her text messages? Why would she want to stay in contact and then think I wanted to talk when I already told her I didn't? Why reach out when I couldn't have made it any more clear?

My friends said it's her loss 100% and I'm the one that got away, where she is concerned. And that she's too self-absorbed and jumps from relationship to relationship looking for whatever. That made me feel at least somewhat better.

Well, if this is how she is, then yeah, is best she be gone.

She may have reached out, out of guilt... or does still want to be a 'friend'. BUT, no.

We can't do that because our emotions are still there. I've hardly ever agreed to be an ex's 'friend'.  Maybe, if we didn't date long so I wasn't affected.

So, you've done right.  Have no more to do with her, in order to work on getting over her.  She can't expect anything else.

As for her ways with relationships, yes, she may date then move on a lot- but she is entitled.  If we don't 'feel it', then we have to be honest...

Just remember, we can't make someone love us.  In time you will come to accept this and be okay.  She just wasn't for you.. vice versa.

 

[catfeeder]

She still wants your attention. Dumpers often want to keep the comforts they enjoyed from the other person without offering them anything of value in return.

Skip that, she's all about her own ego, and she wasn't even kind.

Head high, you can do this.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/19/2022 at 9:01 AM, lovemy2k9s said:

. She said "incompatible" but incompatible is BS, especially in our case. 

Not really. Incompatible is a major reason for discord and a great reason to end things.

Yes, she was using the "it's me not you" approach, but that's usually the best way to handle it.

Accept the breakup, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

She still wants your attention. Dumpers often want to keep the comforts they enjoyed from the other person without offering them anything of value in return.

Skip that, she's all about her own ego, and she wasn't even kind.

Head high, you can do this.

And given the ease of texting I've seen this happen with friends too -meaning they go MIA or fade out from the regular contact then when bored -can even be a year later in one of my examples -they reach out for reassurance that you still want to engage with them, and because now they suddenly need something and/or have time to "chat" -and then if the response is lukewarm they "want you back" even more. Nonsense.  Enforce boundaries.

[Lambert]

whatever the reason(s) they're probably self serving to her.

 I think you're better off pus hung these thoughts away and stuck with your first reaction, which is to end all contact and have no relationship, friendship or be aquintances.

It makes sense though, as you go through these feelings to have some doubt, to feel bad, to want things to have been different. It's hard to let go people. But you have to take care of yourself and have high standards for who you allow in your life. 

[reinventmyself]

I am going a different direction with this.  Having ended relationships before it's not just black and white.  Though I knew, for whatever reason that it was best to part ways, it didn't mean I didn't care about them to different degrees.  

There is that period of detachment for both sides. Though the person who ended it has been processing it long before making that final act on ending it.  It's still a loss for them to certain degree.   

I second guessed myself, I missed the companionship and the good parts, I reminisced.   If I did reach out it wasn't to flatter myself.  There were times I grieved the ending of my choice.

But now fast fwd and a little more mature, the kindest thing I can do if I were to decide to sever a relationship is to leave that person alone.  I made my choice. I have to stand behind it in every way possible.  Even when it's difficult.  
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