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On 7/6/2022 at 3:18 AM, mylolita said:

Hey Probably,

 

I know this will seem trivial to say it but, remember, what you wish for and desire also has massive down sides. Nothing is perfect!

 

Me and my husband just had a huge fight this morning before he had to go out to work. Trouble in paradise and all of that. Remember that a relationship is not everything and will not complete you or make you happy forever or solve much at all. Sometimes it can even make you more lonely, if you are in the wrong one. I am not downing in marriage or my husband, and I am not patronising you as if you do not realise this already (I know you will!) but, I just wanted to put it to the surface.

 

Sometimes we can idolise what we don’t have or can’t seem to get so much we forget any drawbacks. We sometimes look to others and think their emotions must be handled correctly, their lives organised to perfection. Some people have it “right” and “sorted” and “good”. Everyone has their own set of problems at any given time. You solve one and another can just crop on right back up. 
 

Your main problem (I am presuming here, apologies!) in life maybe at the moment is lack of love, lack of someone wanting a relationship with you? Other people will be married and struggling financially. Or have sick children or parents. 
 

This problem in your life, it may likely resolve in 5 years, and you might look back on this time and wish you had the problem you have back now, as you may have inherited another problem, which vexes you more than this ever could!

 

I am not trying to belittle your issue - it is extremely valid and I wish you the best of luck but, I am just trying to take a step back, put things in perspective and look at the big picture.

 

x

Relationships are like Everest. Yeah the climb and the journey can be rough. It's never going to be perfect. And never once in any iteration of any sort of anything I've ever posted or said or even thought anywhere, did I say anything about wanting a perfect relationship.

The point is, you HAVE a husband. Almost all people have SOME form of worth in romance in their lives. My lack of ability to reach what brings me peace is having horrible effects on my mental health that no amount of therapy or self-love will fix. It's something I cannot live with. It's something I wish I could fix but no inanimate object, green paper, level of responsibility, amount of travel, or amount of platonic friendship could ever stand as a replacement for.

Yes problems will always exist. And I never was looking for a perfect end to all of my problems in someone else. And I'm not assuming that you're saying I am, it's just that's what society says, just like in Wiseman2's comment. It's all about the assumptions that other people make. This is WHY I am alone for this long. If it's not my face, it's the negative judgements people make based off the times I am not perfectly giving them their serotonins as their perfect little vending machine.

I don't see myself as a human. I see myself as an object. To be used for laughs or company or advice, to be put through the professional motions. I can do as many things for myself to attempt to make things easier and I will still dip so far at the end of the day that it's not just as if there is no hope. It's that it puts my mind in a state where there is not a single percentage of a doubt, that there IS no hope for me. That I would be better off not living. And nothing I've ever reached is able to put that right. And I've made it clear... The last thing I could do with my life is sit on my ass in my home and wait for someone to come to me. I've been putting myself out there for so many years it's ridiculous, as my friends were all meeting their someones at 14 and all I ever got was used for platonic crap and jobs. Nothing against my friends... I attract lovely people. Honest, genuine people. I just believe they all deserve a better friend. Someone more worthwhile who isn't in too destroyed a state of heart to be able to offer proper friendship anymore.

I would rather be struggling financially. I would rather be facing the rough spots of life WITH someone. I would rather have someone to support, to have someone to be there to support me, and again, it does not have to be perfect, I just know that always putting my energy into that kind of connection is what brings me peace. What calms my mind. 

I exist in a state where I know for a fact I will never know peace. I will never be able to calm my mind. I've tried medications, I've tried drugs, I've tried so many activities that I know a good chunk about almost everything there is to know, save for some higher-level careers and advanced calculus.

Nothing could ever destroy me like this does. Like this has for years since I realized I was less than human. Less than a valid being because of my face and the way people perceive me based off societal morals and values. 
I never back down from life. I've taken anything on at eye level no matter how frightening it is. I just don't understand why I have to be perfect without a single remnant of a hint of a fraction of a flaw, while everyone else need only be themselves.
If I had someone cheering me on. That kind of connection I've always truly needed to bring peace to my spirit, to my heart and mind, so what if something is more difficult than this.

But this is my worst nightmare. This is the most absolutely horrifying reality I could ever possibly have been damned to. And I know that for a fact. Once physical torture becomes a pleasant retreat, the only distraction from loneliness, hell { if such a place exists } begins to look as a pleasure cruise.

Judge me as you wish for saying this. I just wish the positives of me could hold any sort of value whatsoever beyond a cold, hard and platonic level. 

 

I'm sick of being a vending machine... I want to be a real person

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Probably,

 

This is just so sad my dear - I really can’t believe you can be that unattractive; I just really can’t! 
 

I know people who are obese, not good looking and horrible selfish moody people who get married and have relationships. 
 

To be this down about yourself? Are you sure your own mentality and thoughts aren’t kind of, self destructing you and putting potential girlfriends off? 
 

I am not saying I have a cure to make people attractive or magnetic or even to draw potential partners too you but, I don’t know - there really is someone for everyone. I hate to say it, corny as it is; but there are billions and billions of people on this planet. There will be your someone out there, or someone who will be pretty darn close! I know you know no relationship is perfect. I was trying to give you comfort by putting things in perspective. And I realise from what you have wrote this is soul destroying for you and I don’t want to undermine your feelings at all. 
 

I think you need someone to give you a chance; and then this lovely positive affect will take hold. I just wish you could not be oh so terribly down on yourself. That in its self could be putting people off romantically, maybe even subconsciously?

 

I’m sorry I can’t offer you better, solid, “do this then that” advice. You are in such turmoil. Please don’t say you are better off gone. This is never ever the case.

 

x

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