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I don't know how to even start this off. I don't even know if abominations like me are allowed here. What I can say is that I'm living my worst nightmare. This will probably get turned into a meme or a joke or get removed completely, or people will tell me to do what I'm already doing as a way to "improve" myself.

I've done everything I can. I've spent my life working since I was 15, working on jobs and on myself. Working hard to make my passions come to life. I'm not rich... Maybe that's the issue. But I know for sure that I'm horrendously ugly. I've never been in one relationship and I don't know what it's like to be kissed or flirted with.

I was obese in my early teens. Trimmed myself down to a healthy and athletic weight. I figured that might help but it didn't. People told me to improve myself. That's all I ever did. People told me to stop caring. For years I did. People told me to focus harder. And I did, so many times. Nothing worked. No matter what it seems that my face is getting in the way of not just my romantic life but now my life in general. I'm 28. When I was 16 I was already depressed because everyone around me was dating and it hit me deep in the heart, gave me pain like I can't describe, and nothing I can do is ever enough to dull it. 

Over the years inanimate objects and an empty home have started to feel not just unfulfilling, but like it's just causing me more pain. I spent years as an extrovert and now I can no longer do the things that I love. There are always people out there together... Seeing them hurts so much. I know this just makes me worthless and pathetic to women but that's how I feel and I can't help how I feel. Someone born male should be a stoic, strong image of perfection. And I used to be able to keep up an image that everything was alright. But I can't anymore.

 

This is severely damaging my mental health. Nothing I do or try is enough to fix it, and doing the things I used to love is impossible. You could tell me to work out more, I work out as much as I desire to and I'm in good shape. And as much as I never thought I should have to mold myself into someone else in order to be appreciated, I realize that only certain things are considered beautiful/handsome/etc.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if anyone even has any advice but to laugh at my face because I am what I've described myself as, an abomination. I just want to be able to love life again. I just want to be happy. And I know now that I can't be happy alone. Not everyone can. I can try to lie to myself for years and years and years, while they tell me "You'll find someone in your 20's" "You'll find someone in your 30's" 
 

I'm not sure I'm going to make it to my 30's. And I know. This is stupid and pathetic and every other negative thing in the book. I hate the labels and stigma that comes with being what I am. The only thing I ever asked for in life was for someone to be willing to see me for what is beneath the surface, to look past my unappealing face and to all of the effort I've put in, to all the talents I've picked up, to my humor, to my passion, or at least be willing to use me for a while and throw me away. 

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be the most disgusting person anymore. I don't want to be hideous anymore. And I don't know how to get help. I don't know if I can get help. 

 

If this gets taken down please just ban me from this site. All I want is to reach out and be heard. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

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8 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

You sound severely depressed and I think it would benefit you greatly if you looked into professional help, counselling/therapy.

Yes, I agree. 

OP, I am sorry you're having such a tough time. 

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I dunno, I simply refuse to believe that just nobody wants you because "ugly". Its always some deeper issue. Sure, you will always have a tougher times in life than somebody fairly atractive, the world is designed that way. In dating, even at the regular stuff like your job. Fairly attractive person would just show up. You have to be willing to claw your way for your oportunity. And then some more. And sure that is not an easy way. But I am more inclined to believe that its probably combination of factors hat have nothing to do with your looks. Starting with your self-esteem, through you be willing to try not just to some girl but a fair number of them(again, unlike some else, you need to try and try before succeed) through you even having some "game" where you can present yourself, lead a conversation and at the end maybe get the girl. Start with self-esteem which is low. And yes I agree that therapy could greatly help there. And then even on other stuff. 

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Co signing the grey tinted glasses of depression making everything exponentially harder. 
 

What are the other connections in your life like? Friends? Family? Do you participate in any hobbies that bring you into contact with like minded people? Do you do any ‘contribution’ (an activity undertaken for the benefit of someone else, volunteering, making care packages for friends etc), do you have an idea of where you would like your life to go? (Leaving the question of finding a life partner aside for a moment, in all other aspects what would you like to do?) Are you working in an industry that engages and challenges you? Do you feel like you have control of the direction your life is going in and if not are there steps you can take to acquire more control? 
 

Bonus quest, read some Eckart Tolle and contemplate that you are more than just your ego and all it is currently identifying with, and or some Buddhist philosophy and beware the stories you tell yourself because they are powerful powerful things. 
 

Step one, repeat after me, ‘I notice I am feeling like I am an abomination’. Notice the thought and let it pass. It’s gonna pop up again, they always do. Notice each one. And let it pass. 

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I agree with others that you sound depressed. I highly suggest seeing a psychiatrist and therapist who will help you through all of this. This is a tough journey. Don't do it alone.

And I'm very sure it's not just the looks that keep you without dates. How's your attitude towards people? Men? Do you mingle? Try fun activities?

There's a lot that might be going on and a good qualified therapist will help you through this journey. I'm sorry it's tough like this. But don't do it alone and please get yourself help. You deserve help.

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Hey Probably,

 

My heart aches reading your post. No one should feel this bad about themselves. There are highly disabled, unable and disfigured people who form romantic relationships. Loving relationships are not left aside for the beautiful and the wealthy. In fact, that stuff can really complicate matters. Give you other sets of problems. I know you are thinking well I’d rather have the problem of women chasing me only for my money but still!

 

I don’t normally press therapy but because you seem so desperately down, and I think you need to be taken out of your own mind and try to see things through someone looking from the outside in, I would strongly suggest it, even just to get you started and lifted out of your thought patterns.

 

This life is so tough, most people need a partner in crime by their side just to help them through, make it all worth while. I understand that. You can have it, too! We just need a way of getting you out of your mental ditch that you are digging yourself here dear Probably!

 

You are still young, with your whole life ahead of you - please, you need to get help, hold on. You never know what’s waiting around the corner! Something amazing. Could be something great. You have to stick in to get there!

 

As others have suggested - do you have any friends? Or close family you could reach out too as well?

 

Therapy might really benefit you. Just talking through and getting some techniques for self confidence and calming anxiety and building yourself up.

 

There are much worse things in life - like being a horrible, terrible person. You can be the most gorgeous looking thing but, you sound like a really nice, sweet person. That Is worth its weight in gold. No man is perfect, stoic all the time, even the ones that seem it. I’m married to someone like that, and in our 14 years together he has cried, not often, but his head has been in his hands. Trust me. You can do this, we need to have you realising your worth here! 
 

x

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At any time, day or night, you can call a mental health hotline and someone will listen to you and help you. It's free and immediate. You'll also be directed to the appropriate resources for help, whether it's an ER or  recommended counseling services or mental health clinics.

If you work and have medical insurance make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

However look up the number for the mental health hotline in your area, you can talk to them at any time.

Mental health is not a DIY situation where people tell you to "fix yourself". It's a legitimate health problem. 

 

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Great input here. It also struck me how many times you referenced what "people" told you.  At various points in my life "people" "told me" - to have a baby by myself, to settle so I could get married and have a baby, to be content with my career and ignore my ticking clock, to feel guilty for not giving my son a sibling, to feel less than because I didn't try to have a "natural" birth.  People say and advise lots of stuff.  Focus on finding a good therapist and be really selective with who you accept advice from and solicit advice from.  Ignore the rest.

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