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Why cant i stop thinking about him?


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I have tried writing this down multiple times but it always becomes a long story, which it is. But here comes a super-short version.

My ex cheated on me - we broke up and got back together again and then he cheated once again. During the time between and after I was so heartbroken and did everything i could to get him back and to get his validation. He gave it to me. I was very depressed during this time because of this, my only focus was him and the thought of us in the future. He said many ***ed up things, now i feel like he manipulated me.

Then i started dating my current fiancé, then my ex wanted me back so badly and I loved the feeling. We got together many times but then i chose to end it with him so i could continue to date this new guy. 

Even though we have been apart for 5 years, i still seek validation from him. Everytime i see him i feel like i am ready to risk it all just for one night with him. And he is the same with me, so much craving and "love" for eachother. Like we cant stop looking at eachother and there are sparks. Just like a movie. But then in reality, i know he is a bad guy who has treated me bady, who is not the kind of guy i wanna be with at all. But I cant stop, i feel like i will spend a lifetime thinking about us. 

I dont know if it is the trauma of our long breakup and seek for validation from him that is still haunting me? I just want to feel like im over it but I cant. Sometimes i feel like a dog just waiting for him to tell me that im a good girl, if that makes sense. And if I feel like im over him, it just takes one eyecontact to be back on square one even though i know he is a scumbag. And he always finds a way to get to me. We have the same friends in our hometown so its hard to avoid eachother when we both are home.

Just to be clear, i love my fiancé, he is the best thing that has happened to me and has made me so happy these 5 years. He knows everything about my ex and our breakup and know i still struggle.

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2 minutes ago, Girlonfire said:

I was very depressed during this time because of this, my only focus was him and the thought of us in the future. i love my fiancé, he is the best thing that has happened to me and has made me so happy these 5 years. 

Sorry this is happening. In what context do you still see him? Research "trauma-bond". Also consider getting the depression and stress addressed so you can move on happily with your  fiancé.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. In what context do you still see him? Research "trauma-bond". Also consider getting the depression and stress addressed so you can move on happily with your  fiancé.

Well, often at parties and get togethers in our hometown. We both live in different cities. Now its been a year since we saw eachother, but we will be at the same place next weekend and maybe thats why im nervous and on this site...

We are connected in groupchats where he sometimes send "secret messages" about things that only i can recall, for exemple about stuff we did together or things i like. I never respond to these.

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One issue I see is you are taking a passive approach - acting as if you're some sort of victim of your feelings and urges.  You're not.  It's always your choice how to react to feelings of desire or urges or whatever.  You can feel like you need validation and make a choice not to react to that feeling by contacting or responding to your ex. It's hard but part of being a human being -an adult -who doesn't just act on impulse even if it hurts yourself or others.

First, I'd end things with the fiancee- he deserves a loyal partner who chooses to be with him even if there's temptation, etc.  Second I'd seek professional help to get to the root of your potential self esteem issues where you choose to chase unavailable men.  I'm sorry you're upset about this situation.  

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12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

One issue I see is you are taking a passive approach - acting as if you're some sort of victim of your feelings and urges.  You're not.  It's always your choice how to react to feelings of desire or urges or whatever.  You can feel like you need validation and make a choice not to react to that feeling by contacting or responding to your ex. It's hard but part of being a human being -an adult -who doesn't just act on impulse even if it hurts yourself or others.

First, I'd end things with the fiancee- he deserves a loyal partner who chooses to be with him even if there's temptation, etc.  Second I'd seek professional help to get to the root of your potential self esteem issues where you choose to chase unavailable men.  I'm sorry you're upset about this situation.  

Well i dont contact him or respond to him and im loyal to my fiancé who is fully aware of the history with this ex.

The frustration is why my mind plays tricks with me when my ex is in the same room, after 5 years apart and that I feel the same need for validation as i did during our breakup. This is not something i want.

 

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3 minutes ago, Girlonfire said:

Well i dont contact him or respond to him and im loyal to my fiancé who is fully aware of the history with this ex.

The frustration is why my mind plays tricks with me when my ex is in the same room, after 5 years apart and that I feel the same need for validation as i did during our breakup. This is not something i want.

 

Yes- many of us have intrusive feelings.  I don't want to want ice cream right now.  Earlier today I didn't want to be tempted to stop getting work done.  Two days ago I felt like tearing my hair out and screaming out of the frustration of parenting.  It's a really uncomfortable feeling.  I chose to do something different so I wouldn't lose it in front of my child.  Your feelings are your feelings. It's not a trick.  We can't control our feelings.  So if you feel that way simply let the feeling be, like an outside observer - let it be and choose not to react by seeking validation or interacting with your ex in any way but as a casual acquaintance.  Make choices that reflect your loyalty to your relationship.  If you simply let the feeling exist, then after awhile it will fade to the periphery.  

You are still into your ex.  That is why you want his attention.  But you are choosing to be with your partner despite your feelings for your ex.  I recommend reading Martha Beck books that pertain to your situation  - I don't have a specific title but I think she's a very wise and insightful person.  She also has a podcast.  Good luck.

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I quote:

"Trauma bonding refers to a strong emotional bond that develops between a survivor of prolonged abuse and the perpetrator of the abuse. This bond can be responsible for keeping a trauma survivor in a toxic, and sometimes potentially fatal, relationship with their abuser. Counseling with a trauma-informed therapist can help the survivor break the trauma bond."

From https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-bonding/ 

That's why, as @Wiseman2mentioned, you need therapy to break that bond.

You can also block your ex your know? You can block and delete his number to be able to heal and be fully involved with your fiance. At least out of respect to your fiance.

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Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

I quote:

"Trauma bonding refers to a strong emotional bond that develops between a survivor of prolonged abuse and the perpetrator of the abuse. This bond can be responsible for keeping a trauma survivor in a toxic, and sometimes potentially fatal, relationship with their abuser. Counseling with a trauma-informed therapist can help the survivor break the trauma bond."

From https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-bonding/ 

That's why, as @Wiseman2mentioned, you need therapy to break that bond.

You can also block your ex your know? You can block and delete his number to be able to heal and be fully involved with your fiance. At least out of respect to your fiance.

Yes. After reading about traumabonding i feel like it all makes sense, I have never heard of it before.

We are not friends on any social media but are in groupchats together with our friends. Its sad and frustrating that I feel like I have to leave these chats with my friends just because of him, but I understand why.

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4 hours ago, Girlonfire said:

Even though we have been apart for 5 years, i still seek validation from him. Everytime i see him i feel like i am ready to risk it all just for one night with him. And he is the same with me, so much craving and "love" for each other.

I say it's due to 'Trauma bonding', but he is Toxic to you!

4 hours ago, Girlonfire said:

We are connected in groupchats where he sometimes send "secret messages" about things that only i can recall, for exemple about stuff we did together or things i like. I never respond to these.

I think, in order for YOU to work on moving on, you need to block him in every sense.  None of this is healthy for your mentality.. It's constant reminders & triggers.  So, how is it possible for you to be done with this negative mess?

How about you don't go next weekend? For starters... Stay away and remain that way for a good while.  I sure wouldn't want to keep going around places I know my ex would be! ( Bad enough having reminders of one I have too close by atm.  But, I have a lot of strength, I haven't spoken to the loser in 3 yrs now 😉 ).

 

Edited by SooSad33
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Keep reminding yourself that your ex cheated on you more than once!  Remind yourself that he said many ________ up things and manipulated you.  Then you'll have your wake up call.

Become unemotional because emotions are clouding your judgment.  Learn to be more cold for your benefit. 

Concentrate and focus on your fiance because he's a gem and finding a great guy is like finding a needle in a haystack.  Finding a great guy for your life is like winning the lottery or hitting the jackpot.  Treat your fiance preciously because he is priceless. 

Since you share mutual friends, be natural while maintaining a frosty distance with your ex.  You can still be polite, well mannered and respectful while knowing how to enforce healthy boundaries.  Treat your ex as if he's less than an acquaintance or someone you're standing next to at the checkout at a grocery store or post office.  You won't struggle anymore once you do a 180 and change the way you think.  This is how you move on. 

You fiance deserves your undivided attention.  If you love him dearly, act like it. 

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I’m sorry to say this but nothing is going to change at all if you aren’t moved to do anything about it. Break ups happen for a reason when people are not compatible and do better without one another. He cheated on you multiple times. Block, delete and get rid of that mutual friend group or distance yourself from that crowd. Why do you go back to a group of people like that in the first place? It may be time to review the influences in your life.

Your partner is very tolerant but I wouldn’t abuse that trust. You’re walking a very thin line and will lose what you have with your boyfriend if you don’t start changing the way things are. They aren’t going to change themselves and you can’t depend on this no-good ex to change so you will be the one to have to change things for yourself.

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First of all, I don't think your current relationship is working. 

You are not that into your fiancé if you are having such strong impulses toward your ex. That doesn't mean your fiancé has done anything wrong, but it sounds like you are not with him for the right reasons and are not invested in your heart. 

Second, your own self-esteem needs work. Seeking out the approval of a man who spit on your relationship (and more than once) isn't a sign of love. It's the sign that you don't have much respect for yourself and have never addressed how much he hurt you. You're still trying to heal that wound with the very man who caused it in the first place. It will never work. 

My advice? Set your fiancé free. Stay single for a while and look into some good therapy. Neither of your attachments to these two men are very healthy or grounded in true love. But a qualified therapist can help you find that happiness again, once you are in a healthy mental place. Until then, you wil continue to have unhealthy relationships. 

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People with the same mindset tend to find each other and get attracted even if they are away. For example his and yours is a very bad mindset where he cheated on you an you still wanted him back because it somehow made him desirable. When you found somebody else, than him started to want you back. You guys are like a kid when some other kid wants to play with his toy. Kid doesnt want the toy but still after some other kid wants it then the first kid starts to cry for it. People in a very intense, in most of times also very bad relationship, tend to do that. They even justify it as a "very big love" kind of thing. Even though cheating, even sometimes abuse happens. They accept it as a normal thing for a relationship and its very hard to change that later. 

Unfortunately, after all those years, your mindset is still there. Even though you now know how a normal healthy relationship looks like, you still want approval from a guy who treated you very bad. And with whom you even cheated your now fiance. Who was very understanding regarding the whole thing. So, you need to fix that mindset if you want this to work. I would recommend therapy. Because even you know that what you are doing is not healthy, nore fair to your fiance. So, try to fix that broken mindset through therapy. So you could at least have a chance for a healthy future with your fiance without those issues.

Edited by Kwothe28
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12 hours ago, Girlonfire said:

 are in groupchats together with our friends. 

Ok. These are both completely voluntary situations you don't have to attend or be Involved in. It's completely within your power to get off the group chat and not go to parties where he'll be.

You need to step way back from this. As understanding as your current BF is about this, everyone has limits and it's time to respect your BF and cut this ex out completely and totally.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for an referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss your inability to let go and your self sabotaging of your current relationship.

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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Your partner is very tolerant but I wouldn’t abuse that trust. You’re walking a very thin line and will lose what you have with your boyfriend if you don’t start changing the way things are. They aren’t going to change themselves and you can’t depend on this no-good ex to change so you will be the one to have to change things for yourself.

Yes this.  I don't think you have to leave your fiance right now -give this a chance to explore the root cause, block your ex- do the group chats, ignore all secret messages.  I had a larger than life (literally too!) guy I was head over heels for for 5 months and he never was for me. in 2003.  It was my good friend's older brother.  He wanted me back -for flings - I hooked up with him once after the breakup (yes I was single -so was he) - and realized I had to cut the cord. He kept reaching out at times even when he was engaged and married -I get that "need for validation" -he was older, successful, tall -you know.  And a sort of reformed player.  But my need to become the right person to find the right person was far far stronger so that tiny twinge after we broke up faded quickly.  Here's what helped. 

Yes I stayed friends with his brother and brother's wife/family -we'd already been friends for 5 years! But we never spoke of him.  In extremely general passing like "oh we went to Disney and S and his family were there, hung with my nephews" - but no follow up by me or my friend.  That helped a great deal.  With the fade out.  When their mother passed away I sent a card to my friend -not to my ex. 

No social media connections, not even Linkedin. You really have to go cold turkey. But mostly -in me -I knew I deserved better -a man who wanted me, only me, believed in loyalty, commitment and marriage -and that includes loyalty to his friends and family not just to a romantic partner.  A person of character and integrity.  But I also had to become a person who was excited by that -rather than being excited by elusive, just out of my reach, unavailable men. 

Not an easy journey.  Not an intellectual journey (I mean tiny part of it sure -we have to choose a partner for life with head and heart!) - it requires living that sort of change, having it resonate with you. I don't think you're there just yet.  But a lot of this is your choice.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Have you ever heard of dopamine? It's a major player in toxic relationships and why it's so hard to get out of them. Even tho you two have been apart, he still has the ability to pull you in, and that's because he triggers dopamine in your brain. It's like heroin, you keep chasing it, to get that high/gratification. 

There are times when one breakups with someone, they also have to breakup with the social circle that is attached to them in order to move on. So for you, in order to break free is to leave everything/ everyone one behind, and build a new life, new friends, new activates in relation to your fiance. Basically now that marriage in your future, you may as well leave your old life behind. Block/delete/cut contact/move on for good.

Edited by smackie9
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