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Getting mixed signal from a girl !?


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I met this girl at school few years ago. We sometimes talked to each other and hanged out, but always in groups and never 1v1. I feel comfortable around her but wont say I have romantic feelings for her at this stage.

Then, I moved to another city, which happens to be her hometown. Few months after I moved, she came back for a holiday and asked for a catch up - which is effectively our first 1v1 "date". I kind of started to develop a crush for her. But Covid came and we never really spoke since.

After Covid, she came back again for a holiday and suggested to meet up, which happens to be on Valentine's day! She did not really specify it's a date date though. My feelings for her grew stronger after this and I decided to visit her few months later. I asked for a meet up. She seems a bit hesitant initially, though eventually we did meet up. I offered to walk her home afterwards, but she declined.

I am confused here. She has the courage to ask me out on Valentine’s day but when I “reciprocated” by asking her, she seems hesitant. I feel like I am getting mixed signals here. Is she just treating me as a friend, platonic style? Should I tell her my feelings? I have been holding back as I dont know what she thinks and I dont really want to jeopardize whatever we have now. Also, we are staying in two different cities, and she is comfortable staying where she is now (and so am I). Do you think LDR works?

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My husband and I were LDR for a few years before we were married -and even after sort of! To me it only works if: (1) you're both on exactly the same page about where you stand -and where you stand should be serious or potentially serious; (2) you both can afford and have the time to travel to see each other at least every 2 weeks (we did around ever 10-11 days) and (3) at least one of you is open to relocating either to the city where the other lives or a mutually agreed on city (we spoke of this on the first date after we got back together -we'd dated in the distant past).  Also it helps to be good phone people or I guess Facetime (which we never did) so that most days you are not in touch you are having a conversation for at least 20-30 minutes or so to catch up.  Constant texting is more like a meaningless security blanket IMO.

I think what happened here is typical -after a few dates she changed her mind - I don't think she's that into you -it's not mixed messages it's just that you built this up into something more serious/meaningful  than it was in reality because of the push/pull and long distance part. I'd move on.  I'm sorry.

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33 minutes ago, Peter12399 said:

She seems a bit hesitant initially, though eventually we did meet up. I offered to walk her home afterwards, but she declined.

we are staying in two different cities, and she is comfortable staying where she is now (and so am I). Do you think LDR works?

How far is the distance? Generally distance dating is a headache and frustration, which may be why she doesn't mind friendly, casual get-togethers but doesn't seem interested romantically.

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Unfortunately mixed signals mean no signals most of the time. There are many people who go on dates because they want company or to have fun or to simply chat etc but it usually stops there when you receive mixed signals.  At least in my experience.

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This sounds 100% platonic. How did you read that any of these were dates? 

I didn’t see anything beyond friends catching up at all. She may not be single or doesn’t think of you that way. 

Some people also don’t pay attention to Vday. It’s like any other ordinary day. I’m afraid you’re reading too much into this. 

If you must absolutely know, ask her out to dinner and say specifically that you’d like to take her on a date. Do not mention any feelings you have. If she says no, sorry, and doesn’t feel that way you have your answer. It may be awkward for awhile but you’re lying to yourself that she’s just a friend anyway if you have feelings for her. At that point keep your distance and move on. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I agree with Rose.  None of these were dates, just friends catching up.

When you went to see her she could sense your intentions so she was hesitant and that is your clue.

She was being friendly and you mistook it for something else.  Happens all the time so don't feel bad about it.

 If you want to know for sure ask her out on a proper date and make it clear.  "Hi ________, I wanted to know if you would like to go on a date with me, dinner and drinks?"

Then you will know for sure.  No mixed signals, no guessing and no more wasting time on a woman that just wants to be friends.

 Lost

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To me, it just sounds like a 'catch up', nothing major.

You two seem to have no real interaction, right?  So, was maybe just a 'Hey, how you been', type thing. That's it.

And maybe just see it as nothing and move along. ( I don't see distance as a positive in this, as you two have no real connection at this point, right?)

 

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Be careful of what you're reading into a hesitation. 

I tend to pause all of the time whenever someone invites me somewhere. That's not about whether or not I want to see the person, but rather a consideration of whether I'm free that day or whether I can fit this into a day that I'm partially scheduled already.

None of us can speculate about her feelings toward you with any accuracy. There's nothing that you describe about her invitations that give a clue as to whether she views them as anything more than friendly catch-ups. So I would treat them that way.

I also would read nothing into Valentine's Day. Most single people I know barely register that day.

I agree with the folks who've suggested to specify that you'd like to take her on a date. Her response to that will tell you what you need to know.

 

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