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Breaking up with someone I never really dated


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I am 34F. Three months ago a man (44) I used to work with reached out to me and asked me out for drinks. He texted every day all day. He has two kids and lives over an hour away so it wasn’t the easiest making plans which I was ok with. We went out about 4 times and very early on he mentioned sex which I let him know I wasn’t comfortable with yet and he seemed fine with it. The dates were always low effort and usually just drinks and splitting an appetizer. Still, he was constantly communicating and calling so I felt things were ok.
 

One night I did some digging and found his Twitter which we don’t follow each other on. We do follow on other platforms. I pieced together that he must have been dating this one girl (he referred to her as a friend to me) and something must have happened about a week before he reached out to me. He’s clearly still hung up on her. Hashtags all pertain to her etc. Now, it appears she’s back in the picture because she’s interacting on his posts. He posts things on the platforms we do follow each other on with hashtags that pertain to her. Which is only clear if you know the backstory, otherwise you would just think he’s referring to a girlfriend. Since then, his communication with me has drastically diminished. I don’t reach out first because I’m annoyed, but I do respond when he reaches out because I don’t believe in ghosting. 

But here’s the thing. I am annoyed. He knows I see those posts and doesn’t care that he’s referring to another “she” in them. He must know I’ve noticed the decrease in outreach. And the lack of trying to make plans. He also knows we have mutual work friends from our previous job who know we were seeing each other (he told them not me), so it’s weird and then I am just constantly waiting for him to post a pic with the other girl and I’ll have to explain to everyone what happened. 
 

So when he does reach out part of me wants to just “break it off” officially even though what we had seemed so casual. Still, it just seems so weird to go from “I like you” type messages to just reaching out to ask how my day was - what’s the point? Anyway, do I tell him or do I just stop responding - which I hate to do. Thanks!!

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1 hour ago, Evolve2412 said:

 He texted every day all day. lives over an hour away. very early on he mentioned sex. I do respond when he reaches out because I don’t believe in ghosting. 

Sorry this happened. So many red flags from texting all day/everyday (which anyone can do on the toilet or from another woman's home), to the distance, to mentioning early on he wants sex.

Having self-respect and blocking/deleting someone you went on 4 dates with is not "ghosting". It's having appropriate boundaries from someone who has zero respect for you and clearly only saw you as hookup material.

 He's already upsetting you so why bother responding and putting yourself through these headaches? It's wasting your time when you could date local single decent men.

 

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I don’t think there’s anything to say. This isn’t even anyone you work with currently and there are no emotional ties at all. You weren’t an item. He’s drama and chaos and removed one hour away. It appears he likes to talk and has a big mouth. 

I’d consider it no loss at all and more of a relief that you saw his true colours. Why do you consider it ghosting when he’s shown you so little respect? Time to reassess. 

Personally, I’d go cold turkey old school dump, block, delete, never to speak to again. You have better things to do and people to see.

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Send him a text letting him know that it was nice getting to know him better but you don't see this going anywhere and you wish him well.

This is more for you than him.  It puts a pin in this thing and gives you instant closure.  No wondering what you will say the next time you run into him, no explaining things to mutual friends and no dodging him. You take control and end it on your terms.

 Then you can easily go on with your life sticking to your principals.

  Lost

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No really, he obviously wanted something (at least sex) so you will not be silly because it is the right thing for you, not him.

 This will also keep him from boomeranging back to you when she dumps him again.

Just sent it right now and be done with it.  You don't need this in your life.

Be brave and do what is best for you.  He isn't worth all this mental real estate.

Lost

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You’ll have to decide if you’re “breaking off” based on a kneejerk emotional reaction to his absurd treatment of you or whether it actually warrants any response at all. 

He acted like a nobody and didn’t treat you well. If he comes back, he’ll be blocked. You won’t even be aware if you do it right and get rid of him. 

There is no reason to stay in touch. I’d rethink those other mutual friends and acquaintances also and distance yourself from people who associate with people like this man.

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7 hours ago, Evolve2412 said:

. I pieced together that he must have been dating this one girl (he referred to her as a friend to me) and something must have happened about a week before he reached out to me. He’s clearly still hung up on her. Hashtags all pertain to her etc. Now, it appears she’s back in the picture because she’s interacting on his posts. He posts things on the platforms we do follow each other on with hashtags that pertain to her. Which is only clear if you know the backstory, otherwise you would just think he’s referring to a girlfriend. Since then, his communication with me has drastically diminished. I don’t reach out first because I’m annoyed, but I do respond when he reaches out

Okay, so you've only been involved with him a short while, and you know of his 'history' a bit.

Then don't continue this.  Is fine to admit you're just not into this- so tell him and be done with it.

No need to go at him about all you've found out - if this is all correct.

You can even just say something like, sorry, I find this is too much for me, with the distance and all.  Is maybe best we go our separate ways- but thank you for the nice times 🙂 ... ( if he's still hung up on her, he'll be okay).

As for mutual acquaiantaces, so what! I was kinda involved with a guy, where we had many friends in common, whatever I decided to do had nothing to do with them.  Stuff happens.  If it's not for you, you have every right to act.  Just do it.  Be done ( Like I said has only been a few months.. no biggy).

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I wouldn't bother saying anything to him unless he contacts you again.

If he doesn't, then silence is golden. If he does, you can just tell him what Lost said. Not working for you.

Consider disabusing yourself of the idea that you must manage anyone else's narrative about YOUR private life. Most people don't really care--it's a blip on their radar to hear that someone has dated someone, if it was even put that way rather than "I saw Evolve last week..." This stuff really doesn't register with people to the degree we might believe.

Head high, and nice work looking out for yourself. Give yourself credit for that, and let this be the nothing-burger it is.

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5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I wouldn't bother saying anything to him unless he contacts you again.

If he doesn't, then silence is golden. If he does, you can just tell him what Lost said. Not working for you.

I agree. 

It's pretty clear he's on-off with this other woman and is more interested in keeping that afloat than he is in you, OP. You seem to be who he contacts when things are not going well with her. 

The fact that you have mutual friends is irrelevant. They don't need to know the details. 

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