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Long distance Ex moves back


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My ex and I met and briefly dated about 3-4 years ago. Overall it was more like a fling or a situation-ship since we were never officially together. He was a teacher living abroad at the time but I live in his hometown and we met through a dating app while he was on his summer break here. We had a connection like no other, I have never felt the same about anyone I’ve dated before or since him. I always felt like he was the one for me, like a soulmate. I always hoped we would have a future together when the time was right.

When he went back abroad, we tried to stay in touch and do long distance but it just never worked because of time zone differences and communication fizzled out due to such long distance. But when he came back the next summer, we reconnected and I told him that I still had feelings for him and wanted us to be together, he said he felt the same in that he still had feeling for me too, but he said no because he was still gonna be living abroad for the foreseeable future and told me to move on and date others. 

We still stayed somewhat connected through social media in the years after, but didn’t talk much at all since.

Fast forward about 3 years, he decided to move back to the US and apparently wants to settle down, buy a house and get married, but is moving 3 hours away from where I am, in another state. I’m currently single still, even though I have had relationships with others in the previous years we were apart, but nothing ever worked out. I have always had a gut feeling throughout the years that he is the one for me, that I have never felt about anyone else, only him. 

Should I reach out to him and tell him that I still have feelings for him? What should I do?

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I agree.. If you don't you will never know....

He may still be hung up on you... OR, he's met someone & his interest is there.

People do change over time, but he may still have a thing for you- after these last 3 years.

Give it a try- good luck!.. But do take it easy for a bit.. Don't 'expect' it to just be the same as when you first met up... Let things build naturally & give him time to 'adjust' etc. ( meaning don't be all in his face with high expectations etc..lol ) 

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Reach out to him only if you and he won't waste each other's time, energy and resources meaning he's moving 3 hours away and are you willing to be flexible?  Are you both willing to travel 3 hours each way every single time you want to be together with him?  Will it become an inconvenient, expensive hassle?  If both of you decide to marry, are you willing to uproot and find a job 3 hours away from where you are now?  Or, is he willing to make compromises on his end?  Is he willing to uproot for you and move geographically closer to your area?  Or, is love blind?  Don't be in dream land.  Be realistic and after you've thought everything through, reach out to him and discuss what is important.  Feelings are nothing unless life is doable with him.   

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I would say he is not a suitable candidate. You had a summer fling that was convinient for him at the time. And you kept contact. That is about it. There is nothing really suggesting that you could make it work somehow. Just yours(and maybe his) desire about him.

I would explore more why are you so hung up on that guy. Again it was just a fling years ago and last time you saw him he told you to move on. I am not against reaching(again, who knows, maybe in some way he is stuck on you too) but just dont think there is something to explore there and that you didnt find anybody in meantime so summer fling looks like a relationship material to you. 

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10 hours ago, KayH said:

We still stayed somewhat connected through social media in the years after.

You're connected on social media? Has he contacted you with specific information about his move? Or is this gleaned from his social media?

 Can you DM him on social media just to say hi? Perhaps start with that rather than planning a future with him based on a connection years ago.

 

 

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4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would say he is not a suitable candidate. You had a summer fling that was convinient for him at the time. And you kept contact. That is about it. There is nothing really suggesting that you could make it work somehow. Just yours(and maybe his) desire about him.

I would explore more why are you so hung up on that guy. Again it was just a fling years ago and last time you saw him he told you to move on. I am not against reaching(again, who knows, maybe in some way he is stuck on you too) but just dont think there is something to explore there and that you didnt find anybody in meantime so summer fling looks like a relationship material to you. 

I agree with this assessment entirely.  He already chose not to try to make it work - I know, LD is hard but he also didn't try to keep in contact with you as a close friend, etc.  I don't buy his excuses and IMO he's not into you enough and not into you enough for anything serious.  Dispense with the fancy labels of "situationship" - you're grasping for that because you two never had the substance and foundation of anything long term serious or potentially serious.  Which makes it easier for you to consider him your soulmate -you don't know him that way but the thrill of the chase/his unavailability is fueling it.

Reach out only if you are prepared for a lukewarm response.  Do not read into any "signs" -if he wants to be with you now no palm reading/smoke signals, required -he will want to make it crystal clear.

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I wouldn't bother reaching out. 

The reason is simple: if he still thought about you the way you think about him, he likely would have already contacted you in some way. I am going to guess that the distance was a complication previously, yes, but if that were the only reason and you were still on his mind, he probably would have been eager to put the feelers out again now that he's not so far way. 

But it sounds like it's been silence from him for a long time. I don't think he's interested the same way anymore. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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13 hours ago, KayH said:

My ex and I met and briefly dated about 3-4 years ago. Overall it was more like a fling or a situation-ship since we were never officially together. He was a teacher living abroad at the time but I live in his hometown and we met through a dating app while he was on his summer break here. We had a connection like no other, I have never felt the same about anyone I’ve dated before or since him. I always felt like he was the one for me, like a soulmate. I always hoped we would have a future together when the time was right.

When he went back abroad, we tried to stay in touch and do long distance but it just never worked because of time zone differences and communication fizzled out due to such long distance. But when he came back the next summer, we reconnected and I told him that I still had feelings for him and wanted us to be together, he said he felt the same in that he still had feeling for me too, but he said no because he was still gonna be living abroad for the foreseeable future and told me to move on and date others. 

We still stayed somewhat connected through social media in the years after, but didn’t talk much at all since.

Fast forward about 3 years, he decided to move back to the US and apparently wants to settle down, buy a house and get married, but is moving 3 hours away from where I am, in another state. I’m currently single still, even though I have had relationships with others in the previous years we were apart, but nothing ever worked out. I have always had a gut feeling throughout the years that he is the one for me, that I have never felt about anyone else, only him. 

Should I reach out to him and tell him that I still have feelings for him? What should I do?

I think he should make more of an effort. I wouldn’t talk about feelings. That’s coming on too strong and inappropriate. How long has he been in the US? 

I’m all for communication and keeping in touch but this thing between you two hardly has a pulse and the last time he let you go he told you to date other men.

He knows where you are and you’ve put yourself on the line enough telling him how you feel. If you crossed his mind and he was interested at all he would reach out. I think you need to put this to rest and work out why you’re so eager to get with a guy who hasn’t showed you any real interest at all in years. You may have sold yourself an illusion and clung to an idea that he meant a lot more than what he actually was in reality to you. 

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I would wait and see if he reaches out to you. He's the one returning, so it's really on him to reach to do that. If you're still on his radar, then he won't need you to prompt him to contact you.

If he does, then each of you taking an hour and a half to meet somewhere in the middle and catch up is reasonable.

Fingers crossed for you!

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I really hate to be a downer, but I agree with others who have said there is very little to build on here.

The summer after graduating from high school, I had a fling or situation-ship.  I definitely had feelings for her and, under normal circumstances, would've wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with her.  However, I was going away to college at the end of the summer with very minimal visits back home, so it would've been tough to keep the relationship going, and there would be many new and interesting people we'd meet at college.  

The following summer, I returned home and hoped to pick up where we left off.  Boy was I wrong there!  She had emotionally moved on, and the situation between us would only be friendship.  I was fine with that, but thought maybe the fates would align and we'd wind up in a relationship together.  

For the next eight years or so, we remained friends and hung out together one-on-one, even while being in relationships with other people.  Again, part of me thought if I was in the picture long enough, I might be in position for something good to happen.  Not this time!  She got engaged to someone else, and I realized - for everyone's own good - I needed to exit her life.  She left me a message on my answering machine (back when those were a thing) telling me that she and her fiance got engaged.  I never returned the phone call, and have never seen or spoken to her since.  I had to move on.  

It's amazing how much these flings can stay with you.  I had a lot of unresolved feelings about this situation-ship/friendship.  Every year around the holidays this comes up and makes me more depressed.  It was only after going to therapy that I learned that it was a form of ambiguous loss, grieving someone who is still alive and there was never any 'closure' around the end of your relationship with them.  

The ending of summer that also marked the ending of your fling was basically a cliffhanger that leaves you wanting more and raises all sorts of questions about where the story could go or could've gone.  One of them being: is he my soulmate?  He said you should move on, and it's hard to see a soulmate telling you that.  

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