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Break up or do I need a reality check?


Sosolici
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Hey all,

I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years for quite some time now. The thing is I just can't do it for some reason maybe I'm just afraid of change. I'm sometimes even wondering if I'm just going through a phase and I'll go back to wanting to be in this relationship again but there are two major things that bug me and I want to know if anyone has felt similar:

1. I feel like he's just very immature sometimes. I'm 20, he's 21 and we're both finishing our degrees right now so very similar but let's say the people that I'm interested in are more around 26ish, have established a name for themselves, a good career path already, a very different humour (this is a big one), obv. different social circles, can plan things and just act more ´adult-like´. I don't know if this is a thing or I'm just being sensitive or irrational for seeing this as a valid reason to break up. 

2. I don't enjoy steamy things with him anymore. Whenever he starts something I find it to be more of a task to satisfy him rather than something I felt like doing at that moment. I like some kisses here and there and cuddling but those real make out sessions I used to love so much, I don't enjoy that at all anymore. But I also feel like he has been a lot more loving the last few months which breaks my heart because I used to be the one who was "the loving one" and it hit a cold wall but now he's very lovely and affectionate and I'm just here like no thanks? 

I've just been going back and forth with the whole break up thing, making pros and cons lists in my head etc etc and I don't really know what I'm doing/what I'm supposed to do. Maybe someone here has some advice, some comment or experiences they can share with me I'm lost

Take care y'all

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5 minutes ago, Sosolici said:

I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years for quite some time now. . I'm 20, he's 21 and we're both finishing our degrees right now so very similar but let's say the people that I'm interested in are more around 26ish, have established a name for themselves, a good career path already, a very different humour (this is a big one), obv. different social circles, can plan things and just act more ´adult-like´.

Sorry this is happening. You were together since 16? That's much too long and way too young to be tied down.

Overall it seems like a security blanket, but you've outgrown him. Your lives will change after graduation and you'll want to meet a variety of people and men who fit your personality and life better. So free yourselves to do that. He seems too immature for you.

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49 minutes ago, Sosolici said:

but let's say the people that I'm interested in are more around 26ish, have established a name for themselves, a good career path already, a very different humour (this is a big one), obv. different social circles, can plan things and just act more ´adult-like´.

So, you already have somebody else who you like more?

Yeah, break up. If you want to explore different things and think your partner is not good enough, free both of you of obligations and go explore.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Overall it seems like a security blanket, but you've outgrown him. Your lives will change after graduation and you'll want to meet a variety of people and men who fit your personality and life better.

💯

Maybe you've never broke up with someone before and you don't know how it would feel like. But, you'll be okay. It's also very normal to start growing in different directions in your early 20s and then separate. And what you're seeing is incompatibility as well.

I'd limit contact after the break up to help you emotionally heal and then be ready for better matches.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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It sounds like you have a need to go in your own direction. There’s nothing wrong with that. People grow apart sometimes. It’s never easy to see things come to an end, but if you know in your heart it’s what’s right, then it’s the fair thing to do. 

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Yeah, sounds like you've outgrown him.

His behaviour (maturity) is lacking, as yours has progressed? Interests etc.

And that 'connection' isn't there effection-wise.  Quite possibly because your interest with him just isn't there anymore.  (He doesn't peak your interest anymore?)

Then, yeah is maybe time to admit this.  Time to be honest, be done & move on with your lives... You two got involved at a very young age and sounds like you've matured & changed over these last few years.

 

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Be honest, tell the truth and break up.  Of course, no one enjoys feeling dumped.  However, as long as you do it respectfully, at least you know you did it with class. 

If he refuses to understand what you say and just argues with you, tell him that both of you are incompatible, wish him all the best and go your separate ways. 

 

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Outgrowing a relationship doesn't make you a villain, it's the most common outcome of early relationships.

Looking back to your age, I wish I had adopted the life skill of ending a relationship instead of growing depressed in it and wasting time I could never get back again.

Adolescence lasts through our mid 20's, as our cerebral cortex is not even fully developed until then. Limiting your experiences by attaching so early squelches growth.

I hope you'll liberate yourself and begin enjoying your youth in new, unexplored ways.

Head high.

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On 6/17/2022 at 1:00 PM, Sosolici said:

Hey all,

I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years for quite some time now. The thing is I just can't do it for some reason maybe I'm just afraid of change. I'm sometimes even wondering if I'm just going through a phase and I'll go back to wanting to be in this relationship again but there are two major things that bug me and I want to know if anyone has felt similar:

1. I feel like he's just very immature sometimes. I'm 20, he's 21 and we're both finishing our degrees right now so very similar but let's say the people that I'm interested in are more around 26ish, have established a name for themselves, a good career path already, a very different humour (this is a big one), obv. different social circles, can plan things and just act more ´adult-like´. I don't know if this is a thing or I'm just being sensitive or irrational for seeing this as a valid reason to break up. 

2. I don't enjoy steamy things with him anymore. Whenever he starts something I find it to be more of a task to satisfy him rather than something I felt like doing at that moment. I like some kisses here and there and cuddling but those real make out sessions I used to love so much, I don't enjoy that at all anymore. But I also feel like he has been a lot more loving the last few months which breaks my heart because I used to be the one who was "the loving one" and it hit a cold wall but now he's very lovely and affectionate and I'm just here like no thanks? 

I've just been going back and forth with the whole break up thing, making pros and cons lists in my head etc etc and I don't really know what I'm doing/what I'm supposed to do. Maybe someone here has some advice, some comment or experiences they can share with me I'm lost

Take care y'all

These are all indicators you’re over him and have other needs in a relationship. How is he immature? Know that he may never outgrow those traits and it’s part of who he is. If you’re wanting him to be someone else this has hit a dead end. 

Go back to that fear of change that’s keeping you stagnant and stuck in a relationship that no longer makes you happy. You’re doing yourself a disservice settling for less than what you want and also dragging someone else down with you. Cut him loose and move forward with your life.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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You've outgrown him.  Plus you were too young, as was he, to get into a relationship as teenagers.

Keep in mind the male brain doesn't fully mature until age 25 so he's got a ways to go.  Women mature faster so that's likely why you have progressed beyond where he is currently at.

Yes break up and move on.  Your life has changed.

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You were virtually kids when you started dating. 

And now you have grown and moved on, which is more common than not at your ages. It's time to let him go. It will hurt but in the end, you will both be better for it. This relationship has run its course. 

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I can somewhat relate.  When I was 20, I thought 20 year old guys were just kids or boys in a man's body.  I wanted a real man.  My then boyfriend (now husband) is a few years older than I am.  By the time I began dating him, he had graduated from college already, established his career path and life was smooth sailing for him.  He definitely had a lot of potential and I wanted to be in his life!  He had already made it and he was among peers who were also in the upwardly mobile set.  They seemed more mature to me.  They possessed aplomb, composure, poise and an intelligent sense of humor.  My tastes were becoming very picky and choosy.  I preferred my husband's social circle over mine because it was more grown up, definitely more enjoyable and I had the time of my life.  My former colleagues who were younger, were immature, not smart and not as affluent as the social circle I aspired to belong in.  I wanted more out of life and a better life.  I certainly wasn't going to get it had I remained where I was.  I wanted to move up on the social ladder, not flounder nor stagnate. 

If you want to breakup with your boyfriend, then breakup.  Your cons outweigh your pros so split up and broaden your horizons.  It's a great big world out there and yes, the grass is greener on the other side!

 

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