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Messaged a co-worker when drunk


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5 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

It's just embarrassing I'm wondering if I should send an email to apologize or if that will just do more damage  

Not sure if any more damage can be done.. yah was not a bright move 😕 - especially if you regret it.

Your 'thoughts' towards her seem a little all over the places.. re: explaining how you feel about her... to how she's treated you..

I don;t get as to WHY you are pushing things with her this far?  Do YOU have some underlying issue's?  Is time to stop- all of this!

Deal with your thoughts etc On Your Own.  Do not push it onto others like this!  Is fine to 'vent out' when you're with a buddy or something.. but don't go at someone you really don't associate with and yeah a co worker.

I'm thinking, if anything, you send a small msg to her again stating you are sorry for doing any of this and you will NOT do it again ( sort of like re assuring her).

Edited by SooSad33
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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Not sure if any more damage can be done.. yah was not a bright move 😕 - especially if you regret it.

Your 'thoughts' towards her seem a little all over the places.. re: explaining how you feel about her... to how she's treated you..

I don;t get as to WHY you are pushing things with her this far?  Do YOU have some underlying issue's?  Is time to stop- all of this!

Deal with your thoughts etc On Your Own.  Do not push it onto others like this!  Is fine to 'vent out' when you're with a buddy or something.. but don't go at someone you really don't associate with and yeah a co worker.

I'm thinking, if anything, you send a small msg to her again stating you are sorry for doing any of this and you will NOT do it again ( sort of like re assuring her).

I do have very strong feelings for her but the reason I want her to leave me alone is because she's in a relationship and don't want to have to see them together anymore. The problem has been that me and her get on really well so she's regularly coming to chat to me. 

I know it was a fkd up thing to do and I would never of done it had I been sober. 

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57 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

I said I wanted her to leave me alone and that I feel her and her partner have been mistreating me. I did say I liked her but I wasn't trying to make anything happen. I was basically blaming them for me been stressed out even though it's not there fault or issue. Honestly, I am mortified by what I've said.

Oof, that is rough. I would apologise and move on. Saying that you have feelings is one thing but blaming them because you have a crush on her is not the way. 

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45 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

I do have very strong feelings for her but the reason I want her to leave me alone is because she's in a relationship and don't want to have to see them together anymore. The problem has been that me and her get on really well so she's regularly coming to chat to me. 

Okay, fine. So she's not involved with YOU. She is already in a relationship- fine, then yes, if you can't handle it, yes, you be honest... and work at getting over it yourself.

If it;s best to keep your distance then I agree, back off.

Was she bothering you to 'keep a friendship'? If so, all you need to do is say 'No, I can't, sorry'.  Don't push the issue, just be done... is from then on, for her to accept... and respect that fact. ( been there with an ex.. No, I could not be his 'friend'!).

 

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Take it as a lesson in not being so self-absorbed in the future. That is really the most positive thing you can take away from this. Leave that woman alone from this point, let it go and move forward. We all make mistakes. What’s important is what you learn from them. Own your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. 

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1 hour ago, bluemax44 said:

I know it was a fkd up thing to do and I would never of done it had I been sober. 

Delete her contact info so you don't drink and message. Better yet, cut down on drinking.

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2 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

know it was a fkd up thing to do and I would never of done it had I been sober. 

When you choose to get drunk you choose the consequences - so yes make better choices and stay sober.

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Message her when you're sober.  Keep it brief, well mannered and respectful.  Humbly apologize that you were inebriated when you wrote to her and ask for her forgiveness.  Tell her that you made a mistake and that you are sorry.  Then sign it with Sincerely, Your Name. 

When you see her in person, say what you wrote in your message and after that behave yourself from now on.  Be honorable and everything should be fine. 

As long as you've learned from embarrassing mistakes and do better, you will be ok! 

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10 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

I could ask my manager to switch my shift so I no longer have to see her. 

That sounds like a good idea.

Do not send another message--at all. You'll only compound the problem and draw more attention to it.

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3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

That sounds like a good idea.

Do not send another message--at all. You'll only compound the problem and draw more attention to it.

I already sent the apology. I know a lot of you thought it was a bad idea but I felt in necessary to. 

I'm not going to contact them anymore.

How they respond will be up to them obviously if they do decide to report me to the managers then I'll have face the consequences. 

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11 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Was she bothering you to 'keep a friendship'? If so, all you need to do is say 'No, I can't, sorry'.  Don't push the issue, just be done... is from then on, for her to accept... and respect that fact. ( been there with an ex.. No, I could not be his 'friend'!).

 

We get put together a lot and she usually ends up chatting away to me all day. That's why I've been getting stressed because I'm having to constantly work with her when I was hoping to avoid her so this didn't escalate. 

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1 hour ago, bluemax44 said:

We get put together a lot and she usually ends up chatting away to me all day. That's why I've been getting stressed because I'm having to constantly work with her when I was hoping to avoid her so this didn't escalate. 

Escalate into what, exactly? You have an obsessional workplace crush. That's not her fault or doing.

You can put a bandaid on this and avoid working together, but it won't fix the underlying problems of drinking too much and obsessional thinking.

See a physician for your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Be honest about the drinking and loss of control. Be frank about the obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

With help you'll have a better life. Without help things could deteriorate further into stalking charges and losing jobs because of sexual harassment.

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3 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

We get put together a lot and she usually ends up chatting away to me all day. That's why I've been getting stressed because I'm having to constantly work with her when I was hoping to avoid her so this didn't escalate. 

"I don't have time to chat today -sorry!" -that's all you have to say to her. Then do your work.

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6 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

We get put together a lot and she usually ends up chatting away to me all day. That's why I've been getting stressed because I'm having to constantly work with her when I was hoping to avoid her so this didn't escalate. 

Many of us learn how to manage crushes at a young age by having them on teachers or bosses.

Acting out on one of those would have obvious consequences.

So it might be helpful to treat crushes on unavailable people in the same way. Their real or perceived status doesn't matter--stepping beyond ANYone else's boundaries is harmful. Aside from real consequences, it also teaches you that you own zero self control rather than a mature ability to 'manage' your own perceptions, reactions and behaviors.

If you truly do NOT own the capacity to kindly accept coworker relationships at face value, then it's not some innate flaw that you can't overcome--it's a skill you never learned to develop. That's why professional therapists were invented. Hire one. Use the training of an expert to learn the life skills you want to adopt.

Head high, you can do this.

 

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Thanks for all your responses. It's really helped during this last day, when I've been mortified by my actions.

I can see that I need to see a professional regarding some of the issues talked about. It's also worth noting I've been on sedative medication for anxiety for the last few years and as such my social life has fallen away, which is probably why I'm getting attached to this woman.

I will go back to work on my current shift and face up to my responsibilities as a man, there's no point me leaving and then facing these issues elsewhere. I will ensure I apologize to them face to face and if they're not comfortable I will tell the managers and obviously face whatever consequences there are.

I'm hoping the fact that I've been on friendly terms with them and my apology will be enough. I will let you guys know what happens.

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1 hour ago, bluemax44 said:

I can see that I need to see a professional regarding some of the issues talked about. It's also worth noting I've been on sedative medication for anxiety for the last few years and as such my social life has fallen away, which is probably why I'm getting attached to this woman.

Yes, some prof help is never a bad thing - been there a few times 😉 .

If you are on meds for your anxiety, this sure isn't helping matters, is it? ( having such a 'workplace' issue....). This is surely adding to the 'stress' in your life.

Alcohol should not be taken with such meds.. correct?  Then, yes, please step back and look at this scenario.  Is any of this good on you? 😕 

IF it's all become too much for you, can you either get a spot elsewhere- away from her?  Or look at another place of employment- for your own sanity?

Some good points have been made in response to your post, re: alcohol use, your actions, etc.  Take a good look, think on all of this.

TC of You.

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Posted (edited)
50 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, some prof help is never a bad thing - been there a few times 😉 .

If you are on meds for your anxiety, this sure isn't helping matters, is it? ( having such a 'workplace' issue....). This is surely adding to the 'stress' in your life.

Alcohol should not be taken with such meds.. correct?  Then, yes, please step back and look at this scenario.  Is any of this good on you? 😕 

IF it's all become too much for you, can you either get a spot elsewhere- away from her?  Or look at another place of employment- for your own sanity?

Some good points have been made in response to your post, re: alcohol use, your actions, etc.  Take a good look, think on all of this.

TC of You.

Edited by bluemax44
Had to repost. Copy and paste messed the format up.
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Posted (edited)

My plan is:

Close Facebook

Phone my manager and see if a shift change is possible

If not, go back apologize and face upto any consequences and if the issues persists then hand my notice in.

Stay away from the woman in question and her partner, if either approach I will simply apologize and explain I was drunk and leave it at that

If I do get sacked, I will control my emotional centre and look for an opportunity elsewhere

-

In the future:

Regular Therapy

Come off the medication

Stop socially interacting with women at work, especially if they're unavailable. 

Work on building my confidence, self esteem and having a more harmonious mind

Edited by bluemax44
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35 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

In the future: Regular Therapy Come off the medication

Sounds like a good plan. Just apologize. and leave it at that. What medications are you on? Are you seeing a physician/psychiatrist for the obsessions/drinking?

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like a good plan. Just apologize. and leave it at that. What medications are you on? Are you seeing a physician/psychiatrist for the obsessions/drinking?

It's a sedative for anxiety - Mirtazapine it's good for getting to sleep, which why I've taken them for so long but it's side effects aren't great (primarily fatigue).

I'm not currently seeing any professional regarding the issues about the woman or the binge drinking but I've messaged someone so hopefully I can arrange something on that front. 

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8 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

It's a sedative for anxiety - Mirtazapine it's good for getting to sleep, which why I've taken them for so long but it's side effects aren't great (primarily fatigue).

I'm not currently seeing any professional regarding the issues about the woman or the binge drinking but I've messaged someone so hopefully I can arrange something on that front. 

Yes, talk to your physician about seeing a psychiatrist for a specific evaluation of your situation and a review of this antidepressant. There are newer medications that address obsessions in addition to depression.

As you are aware, drinking while taking this dangerous. You'll have to commit to sobriety for better mental health and wellbeing.

Keep in mind, the ruminating, anger, excessive guilt as well as obsessing, not only over her but what to do about the message are all symptoms of poorly or undertreated issues. 

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I did a similar thing, but even worse, I don't even know if he got the message because I sent it on Skype!

I avoided this person for a while, then saw him when I couldn't avoid him any longer and pretended like nothing happened. To this day I still don't know if he's seen the message!

It worked out okay for me. So I would suggest you just play it light, as in, "I was drunk" and leave it at that. If the other person wants to explore it more, they can ask questions and you can go from there. (You would probably get a vibe of how they are feeling at that point, which can indicate the best way to respond.)

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3 hours ago, Devor said:

I did a similar thing, but even worse, I don't even know if he got the message because I sent it on Skype!

I avoided this person for a while, then saw him when I couldn't avoid him any longer and pretended like nothing happened. To this day I still don't know if he's seen the message!

It worked out okay for me. So I would suggest you just play it light, as in, "I was drunk" and leave it at that. If the other person wants to explore it more, they can ask questions and you can go from there. (You would probably get a vibe of how they are feeling at that point, which can indicate the best way to respond.)

Thanks, glad to know I'm not the only one. The platform I sent this girl a message on she doesn't use very often, however she is on holiday so there's every chance she'll log in at some point.

Now that I've gotten over the hangover, I'm not feeling as bad/worried as I initially did. A lot of what I said were valid points I just went about it in the wrong way. Obviously I've got to learn my lessons but I'm confident I can move on from this and use it to improve me. 

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I didn't mention in prior posts, largely due to feeling sorry for myself, that this girl (I feel at least) has been leading me on. She's constantly staring at me, placing herself directly in front of me at every meeting or brief, she talks incessantly to me whilst she's quiet and professional when she works with anyone else (Inc her partner), she smiles whenever she sees me, asks me personal questions about my romantic life etc

I haven't just been randomly fantasising about a woman; however I can see I've handled it in the wrong way given her relationship.

As I've said, I'm going to keep my distance and not say anything. When and if it's brought up, I'll simply explain that I was drunk and it was inappropriate but I would be prefer for us to keep some distance whilst she's in a relationship with someone else.

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