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How do I move on without guilt and regrets?


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I have been married for 11 years with 3 lovely kids but 2 years ago I walked away from it all because I could not longer live with the unhappiness from an emotional & physical abusive marriage.

Not long into our marriage I started to experience how unsupportive she was particularly with finance: I had to do almost everything alone, pay all our bills and investing in our future all alone, the burden was so much on me and i became unhappy. My wife being a Narcissist, I lost interest in the relationship but I kept on with all the responsibilities because of the children. I generally do not like arguments.

I started cheating on her to make myself happy and on each case she discovered the affairs, she became worse and my life became more miserable. She had attacked me a couple of time and inflicted injury.

Fast Forward to two years ago, I felt like I was going to die in the marriage; my blood pressure high, I lost self-confidence and self-esteem and lived with a wife who constantly disrespect/abuse me in front of my kids, so I left.

After almost a year of living apart (although I go to see my kids and attend to their needs,) I relocated to the UK for a Masters education. Each time I speak to her over the phone, my BP rises as it ALWAYS ends in arguments. She has denied me access to speaking to my children.

At this point, I am considering a divorce so I can move on with my life but I fear losing my children as I know she is very capable of instigating them against me.

Please any advice and insight will be helpful.

Thank you

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Divorce for your well-being and for the sake of your children.

You are being a bad father role-model to them by showing them that it is okay to be abused in relationships and it's okay to be always in flight mode( instead of standing up, being assertive and deciding this isn't working anymore and divorcing.)

Get an attorney and fight for your kids. They need happy parents, and it doesn't matter if they are together or not.

Also, I notice you are in flight/escape mode. It'll be very beneficial if you get therapy asap and get your self esteem back on track to learn how to cope with this stressful situation.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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6 hours ago, Initialcandy said:

although I go to see my kids and attend to their needs,

Just that? Not to be a good father and spend time with them? How could you leave to study in another country and leave your kids with a narcissist?

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It’s hard to tell who is the narcissist here frankly. It just sounds like rotten marriage that has gone on too long with resentments and deceit/cheating.

I think you’ve put this off too long assuming that you know better instead of getting legal advice from an attorney. Maybe the affairs scared you and you thought you were screwed in event of divorce but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have gotten legal advice sooner. Stop working in the dark here and thinking that you know best. Seek advice from a lawyer about your options. 

This isn’t a marriage anymore and from an outsider’s view it looks like you abandoned your wife and children. 

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In moments like these I always wonder if the other party had a voice, what their version might be.

She's a narcissist?  Is this an official diagnosis?  You were unhappy so that gave you the permission to cheat?  A bad situation has now escalated and there is no turned back.  You two separate and you choose to relocate and move away from your children?  Now she's really angry and you are the victim?

I don't condone her behavior, but you are both part of the problem.  I don't see you taking ownership for your part in this mess.  

Edited by reinventmyself
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On 6/15/2022 at 11:52 PM, Initialcandy said:

I...pay all our bills...I started cheating on her to make myself happy...I relocated to the UK

I pay all the bills and do all the investments, and my husband does not.  And I have never once considered cheating on him.

You cheat on her and abandon her and your kids, and you're the victim here?  Try taking some accountability for your own actions.

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If you studied near your children and split custody, you wouldn't need to concern yourself with not being able to contact them.

What advice did your attorney give you? Gaining legal advice on your rights and your options is not the same thing as filing for divorce, it's one of the first things to do before leaving the home.

From there, you can operate on real information instead of emotions alone.

There is no time like the present.

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