My stepbrother is up for parole and I’m supposed to give a statement

[reinventmyself]

It seems to only reason you might consider not giving a statement is due to family pressure.  But yet you can confidently state a list of reasons why he hasn't served enough time and how you feel he is very likely going to be a repeat offender.

Just curious.  Would your statement by chance be made confidentially?  It seems like such a no win situation and you are further victimized.

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, Ashley2022 said:

Yes I don't like that they believed him but I guess it's to be expected because he is their son.  But I think at some point you have to admit the truth and accept that a family member might have something seriously wrong with them.  But to this day they still insinuate that I was "asking for it" or even wanted it.  It makes me mad but I try not to hold that against my stepbrother when deciding what to do.

 I don't think I could allow people like that in my life.  

You seem like a really good and understanding person. So I don't want you to think I'm criticizing you at all. 

I hope you do what you decide is best for you... whatever you decide.  Do it for you. ❤️

[SnoopKitten]

9 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Had he felt remorseful and asked for your forgiveness, I would say release him.

But, he hasn't (be careful him faking it just before the deadline btw). That tells me that as soon as he'll be out, he'll be back on it. This is like releasing back a criminal to the women/girls population. Keep that in mind. And on top of that, he might want to stalk you and that'll bring back a lot of trauma.

Yes, I see what you mean.  Although he did recently apologize to me finally in a letter his family gave me, but like you suggest I am suspicious of his sincerity since he didn't do it until now, right before his parole hearing. But no, he is not remorseful because although he apologized he still tried to gaslight me in the letter by playing stupid and saying he thought I wanted him and even suggested I was at least partly to blame for not making it clear i didn't want to have sex, even tho I REPEATEDLY told him 'no' and to stop many times.

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Too bad some of them can't stay in forever- especially IF this is how they are 😕 .

I do hope you've seeked professional help in this time, of something that has deeply affected you?

Same goes for him - do you know if HE has been analyzed at all while in there?  Has he been diagnosed at all with some mental illness etc?  If so, he'd need to be monitored, medicated etc...

As for you, sure is a heavy burden - but sit back for a good while and look at the 'whole' perspective.  How do you see all of this now?

Yes, I have received counseling and have finally got over my feelings of guilt and shame. It was hard not to blame myself for what happened because he and his family kept accusing me of lying and also because of how guilty they made me feel for everything when he got beat up and raped.  After the last incident they asked me if I was satisfied yet, as if I wanted it to happen, when actually I have forgiven him and only wish him the best and hope he gets the help he needs while he's in there. 

And yes, he has also received treatment in prison and has been medicated. I think he has a sexual addiction.  He even told me he couldn't help himself and said he would go "crazy" if he didn't have sex with me.  And at the time I believed him because the way he acted made me feel he was TOTALLY out of control.  I really feel there is something wrong in his head and he cannot control his sexual urges. 

As to how I see it now, well I would say these last 5 years have been a living hell for him.  I even feel sorry for him sometimes.  And I have forgiven him.  But I can also see he has some kind of problem which I don't think he will ever be able to control.  There is something wrong with him and he will always justify having his way with a girl.

8 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

It seems to only reason you might consider not giving a statement is due to family pressure.  But yet you can confidently state a list of reasons why he hasn't served enough time and how you feel he is very likely going to be a repeat offender.

Just curious.  Would your statement by chance be made confidentially?  It seems like such a no win situation and you are further victimized.

Well, no, I do feel sorry for him because of what he's been through.  It's not just his family.  He's gotten beat up REALLY bad.  And gang raped.  And I at least think he regrets what he did, even if he isn't really sorry for it and still blames me to some extent.  That is why I sometimes feel like supporting his parole.

But yes, I can also list many reasons I don't think he should get out.  He's possibly dangerous, he's still not sorry about it and blames me, and honestly sometimes I question whether 5 years is fair when you consider this was not a one time thing.  I mean, sure, 5 years for rape seems reasonable to me (for a first offense) but he was doing this practically every day (some days more than once) for 6 months. And who knows how much longer it would have went on if he didn't get caught?  I wasn't going to tell anyone because I was so scared and also because he had manipulated me into thinking I would also get in trouble if I told on him.

So you can see why I'm so torn on this issue.  And no, it can't be confidential, if he doesn't get parole everyone will know it was because of me. ☹️

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Ashley2022 said:

if he doesn't get parole everyone will know it was because of me. ☹️

Can I ask what you would be losing if they all know that?

These people don't have your best interests in mind anyway. They are pressuring you and trying to manipulate you. It's not as though you would be losing a loving and supportive network. 

[DarkCh0c0]

OP don't listen to the people who support his rape to you. They are very bad noise and influence. They just want their son out and could care less about you.

I also strongly suggest you stop talking to them. Just limit contact and don't let them talk to you about this anymore. Put that boundary and be firm. They try to cross it again, then you double down your boundaries. Your therapist should have very much guided you on this.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Ashley2022 said:

 I do feel sorry for him because of what he's been through.  

Why are you accepting communication from him and his family?

Why are you speculating about his "diagnosis" and treatment?   Who's telling you all this about his misadventures in prison?

Why aren't your parents helping or protecting you? You're treating him like a BF, why is that?

[Batya33]

How about "if he doesn't get parole everyone will know I kept a dangerous person from doing this again to someone else."

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, Ashley2022 said:

Yes, I have received counseling and have finally got over my feelings of guilt and shame. It was hard not to blame myself for what happened because he and his family kept accusing me of lying and also because of how guilty they made me feel for everything when he got beat up and raped.  After the last incident they asked me if I was satisfied yet, as if I wanted it to happen, when actually I have forgiven him and only wish him the best and hope he gets the help he needs while he's in there. 

Omg, this is awful..Im so sorry 😞 .

To have family make YOU feel guilt?  is basically because THEY refuse to face reality!  Sad....

I do wish people would stop hiding & avoiding the truth!

As for him.... I am sure they'd keep an eye on him if he were released.. he'd have conditions for a while.. And I doubt he'd ever approach you again.  IF he were to mess up at all in his future when free, that'd be on him.  Not you.

I do hope you can keep away from all the negative & toxic in your life.

[Capricorn3]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you accepting communication from him and his family?

Why are you speculating about his "diagnosis" and treatment?   Who's telling you all this about his misadventures in prison?

Why aren't your parents helping or protecting you? You're treating him like a BF, why is that?

^ I'm curious about all of this too.

[Cherylyn]

Since he has zero remorse and doesn't have any accountability, he will always remain in denial mode.  He'll act like a choir boy in front of the judge or in a courtroom, however, he's still a danger on the family amongst relatives, extended family tree members, friends and society!  He will become a repeat offender.  He is a danger to society!

Don't try to be popular in your family.  If you must make a statement, tell the judge or court exactly how you feel and as described here in your post.  Don't leave anything out. 

The reason why many inmates get raped for sex crimes is because in the prison hierarchy, they're at the bottom of the chain.  Many inmates have mothers and sisters who were raped.  Many male inmates were molested as young boys and they vehemently blame rapists / molesters for their current downhill spiral in life.  This is why sex offenders are the first to get attacked.  Word gets around and they are dead meat.

I hope you will seek financial independence from your family.  They sound like enablers.  That type of dynamic is unhealthy and it's not going to work. 

 

[SnoopKitten]

Yes I understand that that is how it works in prison, but that still doesn't make it right.  He was beat up so bad once that he almost died!  I want him to pay for what he did to me but I wouldn't want him to actually get killed for it. 

And that seems to be my dilemma. Like you say, he still won't take full responsibility for what he did, and I hate the way he deceived me and continues to lie about it to this day, which makes me want to see him locked up forever.  I hate how he manipulated me and made me feel guilty, and then used the fact that I never told on him as evidence I wanted it!  But at the same time I have to recognize him as a human being who has a problem and needs help.  

So in the end I can't decide is 5 years enough or not.  When I think about what a liar and manipulator he is, and how sick of a person he is, I don't think 5 years is nearly enough. I truly believe that rapists,  especially those that would use their 'big brother' status to take advantage of someone, should never get out of prison.  They hurt they cause lasts a lifetime and the person will never be the same.  But when I think about what has happened to him in prison, sometimes I think maybe 5 years has been enough. 

So in the end I don't know what is right and that is why I wanted to get some opinions from outsiders.  Everyone else I know is too emotionally involved. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Ashley2022 said:

 I have to recognize him as a human being who has a problem and needs help.  

No you don't. Your statement to the prosecutor for the parole hearing is a factor. . It's not the only factor.

You're mistakingly under the impression it's you v him. As if its It's a civil suit. It's not.

In criminal cases it's the state v the criminal. Therefore many factors come into consideration with regard to a parole hearing.

You're not the judge nor the sole determining factor in whether parole is granted or not. So make your confidential statement to the prosecutor. 

How do you know so much about his day-to-day life in prison? Do you visit him?

Who reported the crime? Your mother? Was it statutory rape? What exactly was the charge? Were you present at trial and sentencing? Or was the case pleaded?

[Wiseman2]

Are you and @SnoopKitten the same person?:

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, Ashley2022 said:

But when I think about what has happened to him in prison, sometimes I think maybe 5 years has been enough. 

What happens to him in prison is NOT your responsibility.

I'm sure the people who informed you of this informed you to guilt trip you. You are NOT liable to what happens to people in prison. It's HIS FAULT being a rapist and needing to face the consequences. How he faces them is none of your business.

I think you know that he's a danger to you and society and the right thing would be to vote against his release.

The judge will then take care of the rest. You must NOT communicate with his family anymore and please block them from contacting you. They don't wish you well.

[Batya33]

If you feel strongly about inmate on inmate violence perhaps consider doing some volunteer work for organizations that try to increase safety in prisons and/or talk to someone at that organization about options to increase safety at his specific facility -no need to tell them you are his victim -just that he is a family member and you're concerned for his physical safety.

He wouldn't be killed "because" of his crime against you -he chose to risk being convicted, and he hasn't been sentenced to these beatings/rapes/etc - he's not being hurt "because" of his crime -and if he's free, and does this again he might be killed by someone who finds him hurting someone else or hears about it.  It's always that sort of risk when you commit violent crimes as he is doing.

[Jibralta]

On 6/16/2022 at 2:17 AM, MissCanuck said:

These people don't have your best interests in mind anyway. They are pressuring you and trying to manipulate you. It's not as though you would be losing a loving and supportive network. 

So true. I hope you don't cave to their pressure.

[Capricorn3]

Have you decided what you're going to do now?

[indea08]

I think you should quit doing this pro/con list…you don’t have to decide what amount of punishment is sufficient.

The only thing you have to decide, is will you feel safe if he is released? That’s it. Yes or no. Focus on that question, and you will find your answer. The reasoning or explanation behind it is irrelevant, and you clearly haven’t even worked through it yet yourself so no need to share it with anyone. Start with a simple “yes” or “no”.

Also, I am so sorry. What an awful experience to go through. Please be careful taking in the words and opinions of those around you, for they could not possibly understand how you must feel. Take care of you.

[SnoopKitten]

16 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Have you decided what you're going to do now?

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning towards keeping him in jail. I have until july 7 to submit it. 

I'd really like to thank everyone for their support.  This has really stressed me out, and I don't need it right know with all the problems I'm having at school and with my bf. But from hearing everyone's pov I think I have a better grasp of things. Like everyone says, I need to make this decision without worrying about him or his family and just decide what would give me closure.

On 6/18/2022 at 5:40 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know so much about his day-to-day life in prison? Do you visit him?

Who reported the crime? Your mother? Was it statutory rape? What exactly was the charge? Were you present at trial and sentencing? Or was the case pleaded?

I hear about him because some in my family still stay in touch with his family. Of course I would never visit him.

My mom was the one who made the final decision to go to the police.  He was charged with a few things but only pleaded guilty to rape of a minor (child). there was no agreement on sentencing but he ended up getting 5-20 yrs. He's filed several appeals but lost them all. I attended the sentencing and filed a statement giving my side of the story because he was lying so much about it and me and my mom didn't want the judge to believe any of his lies when sentencing him.

The whole experience was really stressful because basically his side of the family called me a liar and said it was consensual and I was just throwing him under the bus to save myself.  Which really made me angry because initially I really believed he had a problem and couldn't control himself (this is what he told me) and so I never told our parents because I didn't want to see him get in trouble. He also made me think I would get in trouble too, he would always tell me "don't tell anyone or WE are really going to be in trouble".  And being stupid and looking up to my new older brother I actually believed him.

Then they had the audacity to use that fact as evidence that it was consensual, otherwise why didn't I tell? I remember they said 'why didn't you yell or scream or something?', they just didn't understand that I was afraid to tell, he was a lot bigger than me, I thought somehow I would get in trouble too, and because he told me he couldn't help it I didn't want to get my own brother in trouble. But they kept saying I was lying and my brother told them we were in love! Which was a complete lie! I was never in love with my own stepbro.  First, I didn't find him attractive in the least (actually he was ugly) and second, I would never want to have sex with my own stepbro.  The whole time I was disgusted and I tortured myself not telling anyone for 6 months, and then when he finally got caught, they use that against me!

Sorry, I'm getting triggered. I need to end this post.  Please pray for me.

[HeartGoesOn]

"Blood is thicker than water."   Keep thai in mind while making a decision.

[boltnrun]

My half brother molested me for about eight years. I never told anyone because he threatened me. Plus, I didn't want to talk about it because I was trying to pretend it wasn't happening. You can't pretend everything's fine when you're getting pelvic exams and answering questions from the police and social workers and when your parents are hysterical. So I just kept quiet.

I feel for you. I understand.

[Lambert]

15 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

"Blood is thicker than water."   Keep that in mind while making a decision.

What do you mean by this? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

 pleaded guilty to rape of a minor (child). 

Just give your statement to the prosecutor. Then ask your family for help with regard to ceasing all the news from him.

You are the complaining witness. You're not the judge. Therefore your statement to the prosecutor will be factored in but is not the sole determinant of whether he gets parole or not.

The offense of “rape of a child,”  is defined solely by the alleged victim’s age. Below a certain age, the law presumes that a person cannot consent to sexual activity. This is a lesser charge than forcible rape.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, SnoopKitten said:

they just didn't understand that I was afraid to tell, he was a lot bigger than me, I thought somehow I would get in trouble too, and because he told me he couldn't help it

Oh, they understand this perfectly well. They are grown adults who know what's what. Believe me. They just don't care. They care more about having him out than they do about you. 

As such, I would have no conversations with them about this. Ever. They are not good people.

[HeartGoesOn]

13 hours ago, Lambert said:

What do you mean by this? 

It means that ones loyality lies with relatives, and will stand by them rather than side with an accuser (so to speak.)