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Hi,

I need advice please. My fiancé only wants to have 2 kids. But, I would like to have 4. But I'm willing to compromise to having 3. I told her that I can compromise to having 3 kids, but no way I'm just having 2. She doesn't want to budge on having just 2 kids. My question now is, should I end the relationship because of this? I don't know what to do.
 

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Oups, I thought you already have two! My bad.

In this case, I'd call this an incompatibility. Kids cannot be compromised on. If your dream is to have a big family with 4 kids, then you'll need to find a different partner who shares this goal.

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So, like, if you marry someone and she can't have more than two -or more than one - and she doesn't want to adopt -or you don't -then you divorce her because she cannot produce 4 babies? Why did you get engaged before discussing your 4 kid requirement? Also since she only wants two what arrangements would be made for the extra work of having 4, the extra $ the extra stress on her body? 

I would have ended my relationship if my future husband had changed his mind about having any kids (we have one, we are thrilled).  But I never would have gone on more than a few dates at most without knowing his thoughts about marriage and family.  

 

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 I didn't want kids but my long time BF eventually did. We were only 19 when we started dating so marriage or kids were not on our minds at that time. As a few years went by he got pretty persistent about marriage and kids. I ended it. I learned from that experience to put it out there that I never wanted kids after a few dates. You never know she may only want one after her experience with childbirth realizing it's not for her. So OP in your case you need to end it. 

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Odd thing to be fighting about. Usually couples are happy with one and more concerned about the health of the one first, then consider a second down the line and health overall of the second, then a third and so on, checking in with one another and reassessing the situation each time the topic of adding a new addition may come up.

I think you both might be caught in a young person heat of the moment type of argument and getting argumentative over this issue. For example why is it an absolute must that you need four children? Is it not a joint effort between what your wife/partner can support or carry in pregnancy, considering any health complications, or your combined finances as a family to support such a decision like how many kids you may have? What makes you think you can responsibly afford four kids, their care, needs, education? 

Have you considered the health of the children and what if one or two of them are special needs? or require special care? Have learning disabilities or require extra support?

Something tells me there are other issues in your relationship that you both might want to work out before getting married. If you're arguing over something like this it tells me you're not ready to marry.

 

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I get it because down the road if there's an issue, people are all "why didn't you discuss this before you got married?"

On the other hand, it does seem like it's a case of putting the cart before the horse.  So I don't know.  But very well may change your mind after that first one comes.  Or she might.  I'm not sure I would break up over this.

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4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

For example why is it an absolute must that you need four children? Is it not a joint effort between what your wife/partner can support or carry in pregnancy, considering any health complications, or your combined finances as a family to support such a decision like how many kids you may have? What makes you think you can responsibly afford four kids, their care, needs, education? 

Have you considered the health of the children and what if one or two of them are special needs? or require special care? Have learning disabilities or require extra support?

I actually can understand more someone not wanting to have one child rather than two - perhaps an only child who didn't like being one, etc and if the other person wants to be one and done that could be an issue (especially if they decide to get pregnant and there are multiples!).  Life happens.  I originally wanted two but since I was almost 42 with my first pregnancy and had a post-birth medical condition that clarified the one and done (and we weren't interested in adopting or surrogacy).  My husband was fine with one or more - no strong preference other than definitely one.  

Anecdotally I know of a number of families who had another child after having a child with special needs -in one case a very rare genetic disorder where he wasn't expected to live past childhood (he needed 24/7 care and a feeding tube and died in his early 20s).  For whatever reason having a child who needs extra care, complicated care, a team of caregivers -didn't affect the decision to have another child (taking into account what were the chances of the genetic disorder happening again).  I mean it makes total sense to stop if the family feels they cannot devote enough time to another child  and yet.... so many families do not.  

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Hmmm...well...

Neither of you have had any yet.. correct?

Hey, at least she agreed to having 2 🙂 ... Neither of you have even experienced any kids yet..right?  Who knows, maybe you'll get those 2 kids then both agree that's enough (as mentioned, the wear & tear on a womans body and costs etc).... Then again, she may at that point to also agree to another 1 or 2 kids, after the first two.

( I will admit, I never really discussed this with my first ex. We did have 2 kids - when I first said 'no more' after going through hell having the first one, lol.. But, I did it! I had another one 🙂 .. And, After we split up, a few yrs later I had 2 more.. Did I expect to? No!  At that time of my life, I never imagined it.. But, it happened.. Then, I got myself fixed to have No More.. See, we never know.. Life can throw ya for a loop and you hafta deal with it.  I have 4 and love them all ❤️ ).

BUT - hey, if you find this a deal breaker all over a couple more kids, then you be honest and admit that this isn't how YOU want it. - So yeah, I guess you are incompatible?

Just don't keep putting this off anymore.  So you can both accept it's done and work through the after effects, heal and move on with your lives....

 

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How long have you been together? Are you happy together apart from the children debate? Four kids is actually a lot. I assume you're very financially stable and can provide for four kids? How old are you both?

This is just my opinion but it's just my own personal thoughts so if you disagree please don't listen to me lol I'm 37 and it was hard for me to find someone to settle down with and have kids until recently. I'm not sure how old you are but if you're like in your 30's or older it becomes harder to find someone compatible (but not impossible). 

If you've been with your fiancee a long time, if you ended the relationship you'd have to start from scratch. You'd need to find someone you love who is a good match and who also wants four kids. Four kids is actually a lot so I'm not sure you would find a lot of women who want four kids. Or maybe they have some kids of their own already in which case as if they'd want another four! Lol

I'm an only child and I always hated being an only child. So I want to have two kids but I don't necessarily want more because they'll have each other.

This is just how I feel but that doesn't mean you have to agree with me. There are women out there who want four kids but you gotta remember that apart from that there also needs to be a lot more to the relationship. Attraction, love, similar goals and values, getting along living together. That's why it's hard to find someone because a lot if things have to align for the relationship to work.

If your dream is to have four kids and you really know in your heart you need to have four then yeah you probably need to end the relationship. Your fiance doesn't want to have four and you won't agree to have two so there's no compromise.

Edited by Tinydance
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You can’t compromise over kids and I would advise you to really overthink this “I want four kids” thing.

What would you do if it turns out that you can`t conceive at all?

What would you do if you would have 2 kids already and you would try for the 3rd kid and it turns out they are triplets, so you end up having 5 kids?

Are you going to be a fulltime stay at home dad to look after the kids and the house, do you expect your future wife to do this and you are the breadwinner or do plan to split tasks evenly?

Why are you so hung up on “I want four kids”?

If I were your fiancée, I would break up.

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51 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm an only child and I always hated being an only child. So I want to have two kids but I don't necessarily want more because they'll have each other.

As Sosad commented -even this is totally not a given.  I know of many siblings who do not feel connected or that they have each other (and sometimes it's the opposite -a terrible and stressful relationship).  I wasn't close to my sister until I was 13 (she is 5 years older). Very hard on my parents as we shared a room.  My husband is an only child and his first cousins were like siblings.  So was his cat.  

Sosad hit the nail on the head when it comes to kids -the unpredictability.  So be careful about breaking up over number of kids (as opposed to whether to have them in the first place -that's a true issue when it comes to family planning!)

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I tend to think that what we think we want and what how it ultimately plays out is two different things.  You both agree you want a family.  2 or 3 children is a gift and a privilege.  Is the 4th a hill you want to die on?   

There is the very likely chance that while in the midst of growing your little family you recognize the work it takes. Add in the ability to conceive, the expenses, and what you think you wanted originally changes course. . several times.

On the other hand you can get 3 kids deep and your future wife feels 4 makes your family complete.  But you won't know until you get there and there is no crystal ball for what will ultimately transpire between now and 10 yrs?

I was set on 3.  Two, five years apart and 30 by the time the second one was born.  It took that long to conceive.  We were done at 2 and no regrets.  There is only so much control you have over nature.

My youngest son and his wife have a toddler and when he no sooner told me they decided she'd be an only child, they are expecting another.  They are surprised and over the moon with the unexpected change in plan.

Edited by reinventmyself
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On 6/13/2022 at 1:16 PM, dabling said:

Hi,

I need advice please. My fiancé only wants to have 2 kids. But, I would like to have 4. But I'm willing to compromise to having 3. I told her that I can compromise to having 3 kids, but no way I'm just having 2. She doesn't want to budge on having just 2 kids. My question now is, should I end the relationship because of this? I don't know what to do.
 

Don't get married if you can't agree on the number of children otherwise both of you will be miserable as husband and wife.  End the relationship.  This problem will not go away.  Don't compromise on the number of children.  Either agree or part ways and find someone who agrees on the number of children for you and for her with someone else. 

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Also consider -even if you're lucky enough to have family help - most times a family member won't take all 4 kids for an overnight (just too much work) so if you're a person who would like to go on child-free vacations or have a child-free day it's much much harder with 4 kids - or extremely expensive to hire someone.  My sister had 4 kids, two with special needs.  (Now 2 of them have 5 kids of their own, combined). 

My mom back then was young enough to help out once a month or so (one hour trip each way and she didn't drive) but basically she'd go and spend the night to help - but I don't think she ever felt comfortable watching all 4 for more than a really short time and certainly not overnight.  My sister was so appreciative and my mom loved it -but there's a limit (and even if my dad came -well - he also couldn't stay alone with them overnight).  

We have one child (and have no family who would be able to take him overnight -no child-free vacations for us which is ok with us) and I think about the multiples of $$$ given what we do - for example we have a great deal on camp because he's working as a counselor in training.  So we pay half the normal tuition. 

But if we had 4 kids it would be over $1k/week even if all of them were old enough to work. Sleepaway camp now is around $5k for 3-4 weeks (so I hear -just a normal camp).  Airfares - at least $400 a person now for most domestic flights and that's inexpensive.  We can do one hotel room still - a larger one -but you really can't with 4.  Just consider if you're a person who would want the extras of camp/vacation/babysitters/meals out. 

I had one sibling and we had a really tight budget so we didn't do any fancy vacations and no air travel and it's possible my parents got some sot of scholarship for certain sleepaway camps but in the 1970s it's also possible it was less expensive. 

Just really do the number crunching so it's not some abstract notion of multiples.  No issue or judgment at all with people who choose large families -just referring to some factual stuff.

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