Boyfriend broke up with me due to work stress

[-Crushed-]

21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Learning acceptance was the key for me and will be for you as well.  Once you accept that he is a guy that does not want a commitment, a loving and caring relationship, is incapable of deep connections, not romantic and most importantly is not In Love with you like you were with him you will feel better that it is over.

I believe you when you say this. I was actually reading about this last night and understand the importance of acceptance. This is something I need to work on right away. 

 

21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

How will you face him at work?  That is up to you and how you see him and yourself.  Is he the villain? The guy things would have never worked out with? The guy you want back but cannot have???

Are you the victim? Are you a woman that can accept he is not the guy for you? Are you strong and confident even though you are injured at the moment? Are you a professional?

He's actually quite professional and has done a lot for me in getting my business off the ground this year. So far, he has continued to do so. I'm still in love with him, so it will be hard to be around him for a while in a work setting, that's for sure. However, back to the whole acceptance thing you outlined, I do believe in time I can accept that he is not the right guy for me. 

 

21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

never be embarrassed or ashamed of the breakup.

It's funny you mention that because I am actually really embarrassed about the breakup, especially since I recently went through a divorce. I'm having a hard time reaching out for help because those close to me did so much in getting me out of my abusive marriage a couple years ago. I just really don't want a pity party from others. I don't want people to feel sorry for me for having to go through another breakup so quickly after the prior one. I have to face all my friends next time I see them and they ask me how my ex boyfriend is doing. I am so not looking forward to having to talk about this over and over. 

 

21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Read my signature below over and over again until it sticks in your head. I have it printed out and framed and it sits on my dresser so I see it everyday.

I'm absolutely going to print this out and do the same as you have. Thank you! I've already read it several times.  

[-Crushed-]

On 6/13/2022 at 11:50 PM, MissCanuck said:

He doesn't want what you want out of this, and I believe work stress is an excuse in this case. I see a man who doesn't envisage the same future as you but doesn't have the stones to come out and tell you that. So he dances around it and pushes you out so he can take less accoutability for hurting you. 

The more I think about what you said, the more I believe it. At first, he wanted some space (after we hadn't seen each other or talked very much for 2 weeks and I asked him if we were okay). We had spent 4 consecutive weekends working late nights on a project of mine. It was actually a really selfless thing for him to do for me. I'll admit we were both really exhausted after finally finishing up. I was the one who suggested him taking a week/weekend for himself since he was consumed in my stuff for a month. Then another week went by and he didn't reach out for weekend plans. That's when I asked him we were okay, and that's when things spiraled. Perhaps he really got behind in his own stuff and needs time to get caught up. However, why did we have to take a break over this? At any rate, he wanted to take a break and could not give me a definition of what that meant (duration, type of contact, etc.). I suggested that maybe we should break up for a while so I didn't have to sit there and wonder how long this was going to carry on. That's when he said he can't be in a relationship right now. 

[Batya33]

I hope you’re feeling better. In my opinion having only dated very busy men with intense careers (meaning seriously involved- I dated many men casually who didn’t have intense careers like me) it’s an excuse.  You are so better off without him. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, -Crushed- said:

However, why did we have to take a break over this?

You didn't. 

A man who really wants you in his life would not struggle so much to find a way to make it work. But that's the crux of it: he's been dodgy with his commitment to you all along. This is just an extension of that. 

If he wanted to continue dating you, he would. It's that simple. 

[Jaunty]

On 6/13/2022 at 8:15 PM, -Crushed- said:

 Everything was so easy with him at the beginning, until it wasn’t. About 6 months in, he was still unwilling to define the relationship, which kind of bothered me, but I ignored it because I really liked what we had, it was low pressure and enjoyable. I broke up with him about 8 months in because he was still a little weird about defining the relationship. A month later, he came back and professed his love for me. Everything was so good for a month until he kinda reverted back to his old emotionally unavailable ways.

You've been in the relationship for one year, and it has been defined by his waffling commitment.   He did show this to you the whole time, except for that one month.  

It seems that you have always been trying to "work it out" with him, but he has never been all in.

If a person is not fully committed to a relationship, which appears to be the case with this man, the relationship itself can really feel burdensome.  He has an emotional responsibility in the relationship that probably feels like some pressure, even if you are the perfect girlfriend and always ready to help him in times of stress and need.  

I'm really sorry you are going through this pain, but from what you wrote, quoted above, the guy has never really been all in.  It does not reflect on your "loveableness" at all.  It's about his availability to the relationship.  

If you experience again a man who does not want to define the relationship when YOU are ready to (within reason, and 6 months is reasonable), consider moving on at that time.   

[DarkCh0c0]

OP this is the attitude I suggest you can adopt to be happy in a relationship:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rRmsCXRclA8 it'll save you some heartache.

[lostandhurt]

Crushed,

If you want to learn acceptance try reading Elkart Tolle A New Earth.

It helped me wrap my head around the concept and apply it to my everyday life. I have rid myself of so much negativity because of acceptance.

  About being embarrassed. This is one of those things where you just need to rip off the bandage and get it over with.  For me I decided to face it head on.  At work I called my crews together and let them know I was getting a divorce because my wife had fallen in love with someone else. I took the high road and didn't call her a cheating you know what but they knew.  This took care of all the questions and possible rumors all at once.

 I get why you don't want to relive it over and over again telling each friend one at a time.  I actually asked my best friend to deliver the news to everyone so I didn't have to.  It was one less thing on my plate I didn't want...

 I am sure your family and friends would rather you be single then with some guy that doesn't love you so bring them in on this if nothing else so they know and don't ask where the bf is.

 Take care of yourself

 Lost 

[-Crushed-]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I hope you’re feeling better. In my opinion having only dated very busy men with intense careers (meaning seriously involved- I dated many men casually who didn’t have intense careers like me) it’s an excuse.  You are so better off without him. 

Thanks for reaffirming this, Batya. It hurts that most of you all have the same opinion, but helping me see the light. 

[-Crushed-]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You didn't. 

A man who really wants you in his life would not struggle so much to find a way to make it work. But that's the crux of it: he's been dodgy with his commitment to you all along. This is just an extension of that. 

If he wanted to continue dating you, he would. It's that simple. 

You’re right, and everyone here keeps driving that home. I told him several times that we didn’t need to take a break, that I’d support him until he got through this busy time. But I could tell his mind was made up. That’s when I decided that an indefinite amount of time on a break (i.e. him needing space) wasn’t going to work for me. I said that maybe we should just breakup instead? That’s when he told me he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. I guess I’m glad I didn’t wait around for him to have some space. Likely would’ve ended up in the spot I’m in right now, just prolonging the agony. 

[-Crushed-]

Jaunty — Thanks for your insight. You’re right, I’m now realizing that he has indeed been waffling the whole time. It’s also reassuring that you mentioned 6 months in and wanting a commitment isn’t unrealistic. 

[-Crushed-]

Dark Ch0c0 — Thank you so much for sharing that song! I needed it. I’ve listened to it several times today.

[-Crushed-]

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

If you want to learn acceptance try reading Elkart Tolle A New Earth.

I actually own this book but haven't read it in years. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely dust if off and dig in this weekend. 

 

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

 I get why you don't want to relive it over and over again telling each friend one at a time.  I actually asked my best friend to deliver the news to everyone so I didn't have to.  It was one less thing on my plate I didn't want...

I'm going to take your advice and do this. My best friend who I leaned on heavily during my divorce is dealing with a death and has been traveling the country for the last 6 months pursuing a dream of hers. I'd hate to burden her right now with this BS, but the next friend I hang out with I'm just going to tell them it's okay to let the others know. 

 

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Take care of yourself

I'm trying. I've been busy with work this week and will continue to be, so this will help. It sucks that I just start crying during the most random times of the day. Monday was the worst, and I guess it does feel slightly better being 3 days into this. No uncontrollable sobbing today. Sometimes these heavy waves of sadness come over me without warning. I absolutely hate not having control over my emotions right now. This is honestly way harder than my divorce. 

I have to see him tomorrow for the first time in 2.5 weeks and I'm really not looking forward to it. I asked him to bring my belongings with him. There's no reason to drag this out. He texted me today saying that he has 2 more projects for me. Sucks that I can't go complete NC, but I am grateful for the work. I just hope my emotions don't do something stupid and make me break down in front of him.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, -Crushed- said:

I just hope my emotions don't do something stupid and make me break down in front of him.

Even if you do, would it be so terrible?

He knows you're hurt, and he knows you didn't want this break-up. You're human. You can try to be strong, but if you get emotional, so what? You will dust yourself off and keep moving. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, -Crushed- said:

 Ihave to see him tomorrow for the first time in 2.5 weeks and I'm really not looking forward to it. I asked him to bring my belongings with him. There's no reason to drag this out. He texted me today saying that he has 2 more projects for me. 

Are you paying each other for work that is done?

Unfortunately it seems he was a rebound relationship after your divorce.

Do you have medical insurance? See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

A neutral professional could help you much more than friends and family. While talking to your trusted friends and family helps, it can't undo all the damages from an abusive marriage.

It always feels worse when the rebound relationship ends because you're back to square one with all the backed up pain from before.

Hope things work out, but take your time.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, -Crushed- said:

You’re right, and everyone here keeps driving that home. I told him several times that we didn’t need to take a break, that I’d support him until he got through this busy time. But I could tell his mind was made up. That’s when I decided that an indefinite amount of time on a break (i.e. him needing space) wasn’t going to work for me. I said that maybe we should just breakup instead? That’s when he told me he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. I guess I’m glad I didn’t wait around for him to have some space. Likely would’ve ended up in the spot I’m in right now, just prolonging the agony. 

Next time I wouldn't try to "convince" him - I'd just walk away - that way he sees you respecting yourself and not settling for someone who has to be convinced to be with you.  I'm sorry you're upset.

[-Crushed-]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Even if you do, would it be so terrible?

He knows you're hurt, and he knows you didn't want this break-up. You're human. You can try to be strong, but if you get emotional, so what? You will dust yourself off and keep moving. 

Thank you, I needed to hear this. I woke up at 4am feeling like a ton of brick were resting on my chest. I'm feeling a lot better and have no choice but to face the day. 

[Cherylyn]

He's most likely breaking up with you because he doesn't have brain space for you.  His self employed business is causing him stress and takes priority.  His brain space doesn't have time and energy for you.  He's overwhelmed with his business stress.  You are getting in the way.  It's not your fault.  It's one of those:  'It's not you, it's me' type breakups. 

I'm sorry you were dumped by your boyfriend.  No one enjoys feeling rejected. 

Even though it's painful for you,  accept his choice to break up.  As difficult as this is to do, respect his choice to break up and try your best to move on. 

When your paths cross, it's ok to be frosty yet respectful, well mannered and polite.  You don't have to be friendly nor chummy.  If your paths cross due to similar line of work, remain professional at all times.  If you become emotional, your emotions will cloud your judgment.  Don't be a robot either.  Be natural but don't be overly nice. 

Yes, it will be tough to go full NC.  You can do it.  Stay strong.

[lostandhurt]

Crushed

How are you doing today?

You aren't sitting alone with your thoughts are you?

Get back to your life.  Ask a friend to lunch or something but just get out there.

 

Lost

[-Crushed-]

Thanks for reaching out, Cherylyn — He definitely doesn’t have the brain space for me right now and it’s really apparent that his business and everything else in his life is taking priority over me. Hurts, but it’s the truth. I’ve been respecting his wishes. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times about work, Ive kept it professional and kept the conversations short and to the point. Had to see him at work to go over a couple projects 3 days after he broke up with me. Did the same thing in that case too. It was tough not asking him for some answers, but I know I need to move on. Seeing him was really hard. 

[-Crushed-]

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Crushed

How are you doing today?

You aren't sitting alone with your thoughts are you?

Get back to your life.  Ask a friend to lunch or something but just get out there.

 

Lost

I’m hanging in there, Lost. Today was a real struggle. I sat alone with my thoughts all morning but then took your advice and tried to get on with my life by going for a long bike ride around the lakes. I thought it would help, but all it did was give me more time to think about him and everything that’s happened. I couldn’t wait to get home so I could just curl up and cry. It’s been a tough day. My heart hurts so bad. I have to see my family tomorrow and they’re naturally going to ask me about the breakup. Not looking forward to taking about it.

I’ve done enough reading to know that closure is overrated, but I just can’t believe that he would break up with me over the phone. I was driving when this happened and kind of in shock over it, don’t even remember finishing the drive home after that. He called me about 5 minutes after the first call to say he was sorry for hurting me. It just made me so mad. Did he actually think that would make me feel better? I have so many questions for him. The reason for the breakup definitely needs to run deeper than just him having too much on his plate right now. All I really want is for him to be honest about what went wrong with us. We never fought and generally had a really even relationship. When I talked to him the week before he broke up with me, I asked him if we were okay, I stated some of the things I’ve been feeling and observing from the previous couple weeks (less affection, fewer/shorter call, less communication overall, etc.). He kind of got mad and told me that the reason the relationship had been working for him was because there was no drama like in his previous relationship. Everything kind of went downhill from there for the next 5 days leading up to the breakup. 
 

At any rate, I have no choice but to keep on keeping on. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced this kind of pain before. I just want it to go away. How can he just walk away like it’s no big deal?

[lostandhurt]

59 minutes ago, -Crushed- said:

He kind of got mad and told me that the reason the relationship had been working for him was because there was no drama like in his previous relationship. Everything kind of went downhill from there for the next 5 days leading up to the breakup. 

And there is the answer you have been looking for.

He told you his other relationships ended because they wanted more and he is not capable of it.  He is all good as long as things do not get to serious, to complicated, to deep, to close and most of all to committed. 

I think you would get better answers talking to his ex's than him.  I would bet good money you have a lot in common.

 I have in your shoes like so many others where the thoughts just won't leave you alone.  What I did to help myself break out of the cycle of why's and what ifs was to first ask myself (sometimes out loud) Lost, what good will come from thinking about this?"  The answer was always "NOTHING good will come from it" and then to help my mind stay away from those thoughts that creep in when there is nothing to occupy it I would try and remember all the lyrics to a song.  It could be any favorite song and I would sing it in my head.  Feel free to sing out loud if you are a good singer 🙂

  This is all up to you, not him.  He will not mend your broken heart you will.

 Your family loves you so make a statement. "I only want to talk about the breakup once and get it over with but I may need your help if/when I am feeling sad or low"  Many times people don't know how to help but if you tell them what you need they are thrilled to jump in and do what they can. 

Treat this like a death of someone you really cared about.  Mourn the death of the relationship, go through the phases of grief and be open with yourself and others how you feel.

I can already see you going through the stages of grief so look them up if you don't already know them so you can be ready when they arrive.

 Get that Tolle book out and read it when you feel like crying or when those thoughts fill your head.

 Lost

[-Crushed-]

Lost — Thanks for the quick response, I needed it tonight. My ex BF’s previous relationship actually lasted for 12 years and they were engaged. He lived with her and she asked him to move out one day out of the blue. He admitted that the relationship hadn’t been that great for a while, so it probably wasn’t a total surprise. He said he simply said “okay” and then packed his things that week, he moved out and they never spoke again. I found that really weird that a couple who was together for 12 years and engaged never sat down and talked about it. 
 

I know that I will eventually be okay. My sorrow just comes in waves, several times throughout the day, without notice. I hate not being in control of my emotions right now. You are correct when saying that nothing good comes from continuously asking myself the why’s and what ifs. I need to stop doing that. I realize that it serves no purpose. I’m not a good singer, so I’ll have to keep the lyrics to myself 🙂. Good advice on the family front. I know they love me and will respect my wishes. I just don’t want to get emotional when they ask me about it, tomorrow is supposed to be about my Dad, not me.
 

I am familiar with the stages of grief and can already witness myself going through them in random orders. Got the Tolle book out this morning. It was staring me in the face all day, but I never cracked it open. I think it’s because it meant that the hard work would begin once I started reading. I’m an all in person, I don’t like to half ass things. I want to really digest what I’m about to read. Think I needed one more day to feel sorry for myself and cry. I’m getting sick of it and after the way I felt today, I’m ready to get started on putting in the work to heal.
 

Thanks for pushing me and thanks for being available, you are a Saint. I hope someday I’m able to pay it all back and help someone in need. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, -Crushed- said:

Thanks for reaching out, Cherylyn — He definitely doesn’t have the brain space for me right now and it’s really apparent that his business and everything else in his life is taking priority over me. Hurts, but it’s the truth. I’ve been respecting his wishes. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times about work, Ive kept it professional and kept the conversations short and to the point. Had to see him at work to go over a couple projects 3 days after he broke up with me. Did the same thing in that case too. It was tough not asking him for some answers, but I know I need to move on. Seeing him was really hard. 

I'm sorry, -Crushed-. 

Unfortunately, a self employed person is under a lot of stress to keep his business afloat.  Any other distractions in his life are extraneous and often times discarded to unload extra weight.  His priorities shifted towards his business first and foremost. 

I commend you for readjusting yourself to professional mode, to the point, brief, polite, respectful yet distant.  It's the way to be.  Remove your emotions from this equation.  Emotions will cloud your judgment and cause you to stray from being numb and serious whenever you must interact with him in your line of work.  Yes, it's tough not asking him for answers.  Why bother at this point?  It really doesn't matter and you don't want yet another fight on your hands because it's not worth your unnecessary aggravation.  Seeing him is really hard.  Be tougher than tough.  Be strong.  Move on. 

He wasn't meant to be.  It's better to make this discovery now than waste more time, energy and resources on him for months and years.  It's actually better to end now instead of later.  Think:  "Good riddance!"  You deserve so much better.  He's not good enough for you.  Change your mindset and it will become easier to really move on.

[-Crushed-]

Thanks for your frankness and kind words, Cherylyn. I agree that it’s best that I’m figuring all of this out now as opposed to months or years down the road. Indeed, managing the professional relationship will be difficult for a while. Fake it til’ you make it, I guess.

[Cherylyn]

9 minutes ago, -Crushed- said:

Thanks for your frankness and kind words, Cherylyn. I agree that it’s best that I’m figuring all of this out now as opposed to months or years down the road. Indeed, managing the professional relationship will be difficult for a while. Fake it til’ you make it, I guess.

Yes, maintaining a professional relationship will be difficult but you can do this because you'll keep your head high, keep your resolve, act mature, you're grown up now and you will handle yourself with dignity and class.  This will be your newfound strength and intelligence.  You've become wiser and this type of experience teaches you to be stronger than you thought you were.  Don your best poker face and you will be proud of yourself.