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I'm jealous at her friends


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My girlfriend invited me in her friendgroup in the beginning of our relationship. However, when I see her voice messaging and sending video's and pictures more in that friendgroup and spending little attention to me I get jealous. Recently I have learned this happens to her too. Any advice or notes? (we both have conditions like ADHD and autism spectrum disorder)

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Is she interacting with you in the friendgroup? How often do you see each other in person? It's usually better to spend time as a couple in person. 

How do you spend quality/meaningful time together when you're together?

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16 minutes ago, KordWave said:

I see her voice messaging and sending video's and pictures more in that friendgroup and spending little attention to me I get jealous. Recently I have learned this happens to her too. Any advice or notes? (we both have conditions like ADHD and autism spectrum disorder)

How long have you been dating? How old is she? Do you have your own friends as as well as sharing friends?

 Why not both have your own friends as well as shared friends?

Don't pay attention to what's on each others phone. Enjoy each other in person together more. Don't sit next to each other staring into your phones. Be present.

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I'm 17 and she's 16. we've been in a relationship for 3 months now and we see eachother on saturdays (she lives an hour and fifteen minutes away by public transport). I don't have any friends really... we don't look on eachother's phones as we trust eachother like America trusts America. when we're together in person we mostly cuddle, go for walks, do fun things downtown and have intimate moments. that is basically all in short

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1 minute ago, KordWave said:

when we're together in person we mostly cuddle, go for walks, do fun things downtown and have intimate moments. 

Super! Just keep doing that and don't worry about each other's friends. The distance can make people feel less secure when you're apart, but try to overcome that.

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I've been  jealous ever since I was 5 years old.  I remember that I was never popular nor never part of a clique.  The only girl who befriended me was an overweight outcast in my kindergarten class.  All other classmates snubbed me. 

I was never popular throughout my school life.  I gave up trying. 

My advice is to go your own way in life.  The highest quality people are independent people and they're attracted to independent people as well.  Become independent instead of attaching yourself to your girlfriend's friendship group in order be somebody. 

I focused on working hard, exercising, getting healthy, immersed myself into intellectual pursuits, hobbies (I enjoy sewing quilts, embroidery, needlepoint, knitting, crocheting, cake decorating, cooking, making anything crafty, etc), outings, excursions, reading books, watching documentaries or movies and the more alone time I have, the more content I feel.  (I'm married with sons.)  When my dog was alive, I enjoyed spending time with her, taking long walks and she was amazing. 

Friendships are not always exclusive.  Don't feel insecure.  Your girlfriend shares her time with others including with you.  Instead of obsessing about the friendship group, get busy with your life so you don't have time and brain space to dwell on the fact that you're not the sole focus in the group.  There are times when you need to have a group mentality if you want to belong to it.

I have friends but we do not share mutual friends.  This helps me have an exclusive factor with each very close friend.  We do not co-mingle.

Perhaps you should develop new friendships instead of sharing mutual friends.  I have both group friends and exclusive friends without mutual friends in our social circle.  It works very well. 

Develop your social life outside your girlfriend's friendships.  It will be a healthy outlet for you.

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10 hours ago, KordWave said:

My girlfriend invited me in her friendgroup ... when I see her voice messaging and sending video's and pictures more in that friendgroup and spending little attention to me I get jealous.

Might it help to consider that she invited you into the group so that she's also sharing those things with you--not just her friends?

Quote

Recently I have learned this happens to her too. 

What does this mean, she gets jealous, too?

If you're both feeling the same way about seeing the other share with friends, maybe you could try out an agreement where you both share these things with one another FIRST, and THEN post them to the group.

Consider a trial period of doing this and then speak with one another to learn whether it helps.

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I think you are just young. When we are young and just starting to date, we just learn stuff like that. Does, donts, how to behave or not to behave. For example, you both maybe think that just because you are in a relationship the other person is yours. While it is somewhat true, that doesnt mean they cant have their own lives. And that they shouldnt have their own freedom. You should both learn to supress that kind of thinking. Needy and jealous are not a desirable properties on anyone. Try to say to yourself that, while you both enjoy the attention of other people such as friends, you also enjoy each other company. And focus on that rather than thinking how you dont get enough of her attention. Its OK, you should learn that stuff in time.

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Mom talk: hun these feelings you feel are perfectly normal regardless of your ADHD. Most at your age feel this way (jealousy/insecurity). That's just your brain developing, you are learning things about yourself. Eventually over time these type of things won't bother you anymore.

Kinda just stop working yourself into a lather over it. Takes some long deep breaths, relax. Try interacting more with the group instead of sitting there getting pissy about it. Here's a tip: Do not expect reassurance from her to make yourself feel better every time you feel insecure. That becomes a real bad habit. 

Hang in there 🙂

Edited by smackie9
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