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Difficult relationship with religious mom?


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So, my whole family is pretty heavily Christian. Most particularly, my mom.
I love my mom. She is a sweet lady for the most part. But I STRUGGLE with our relationship. I am 26 and she is visiting/ staying with me currently. 
I just had the 3 hour usual visit "talk" about God and the Bible because she asked me about the doctor I wanted to see to get sterilized and went on and on about how I'll change my mind and it's a SUCH a wonderful experience even if you "don't" want it? And that if I'm not married it isn't a concern anyways because I should be abstinent because SHE is.
Then it continues with her reiterating the same phrases I heard in church growing up about how we're all sinners and we have autonomy but don't use it too much etc.

Its just very frustrating. She's my mom and I love her but our fundamental beliefs are so different. It feels like I'll never be a valid adult in her eyes because I'm not on the *right* path. And short of being married and "following God's plan" I'll never be that. No relationship will ever be valid. I just feel invalid to her.

But I feel like it's not from malice so much as it's from a place of true fear because she's been so c
onditioned to believe that. It just makes our relationship by default feel superficial. Because i can't share my life without wondering if I'm being judged on how sinful literally anything is or not.

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Explicitly let her know that you don't want to talk about religion, and then change the topic. Every time she brings it up again, change the topic. Same for relationship talks.

You need to draw boundaries and train her on sticking to them.

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2 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

I am 26 and she is visiting/ staying with me currently. 
.she asked me about the doctor I wanted to see to get sterilized  i can't share my life without wondering if I'm being judged on how sinful literally anything is or not.

Sorry this is happening. Don't discuss controversial subjects with her. You know where she stands and the more you argue about religion the harder she'll bear down and try to "save" you.

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2 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

So, my whole family is pretty heavily Christian. Most particularly, my mom.
I love my mom. She is a sweet lady for the most part. But I STRUGGLE with our relationship. I am 26 and she is visiting/ staying with me currently. 
I just had the 3 hour usual visit "talk" about God and the Bible because she asked me about the doctor I wanted to see to get sterilized and went on and on about how I'll change my mind and it's a SUCH a wonderful experience even if you "don't" want it? And that if I'm not married it isn't a concern anyways because I should be abstinent because SHE is.
Then it continues with her reiterating the same phrases I heard in church growing up about how we're all sinners and we have autonomy but don't use it too much etc.

Its just very frustrating. She's my mom and I love her but our fundamental beliefs are so different. It feels like I'll never be a valid adult in her eyes because I'm not on the *right* path. And short of being married and "following God's plan" I'll never be that. No relationship will ever be valid. I just feel invalid to her.

But I feel like it's not from malice so much as it's from a place of true fear because she's been so c
onditioned to believe that. It just makes our relationship by default feel superficial. Because i can't share my life without wondering if I'm being judged on how sinful literally anything is or not.

That’s fine. She’s allowed to have her beliefs. I had to read that twice. She’s discouraging you from getting your tubes tied and yet suggesting we don’t exercise too much autonomy as sinners? That’s a funny way to use the word and actually brilliantly ironic. I might have giggled. I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face at all.

Yes, change topics and keep your spirits light. You’re letting her change the tone of your day and how you feel. Just move on to different topics and ask her what her opinion is on something else. 

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Dont tell mom so much stuff.  She doesn't need to know you want to get your tubes tied.  You ought to have known she would not approve and that you'd hear about it.  Over sharing with a religious person is never a good idea.

You need major boundaries with her.  Keep topics light and non-controversial.  Choose your words carefully.

 

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Well from your post I gather your Mum doesn't live with you. That's a good thing! Lol If you have your own place, I think that should help you to keep some distance from your Mum and be able to manage the relationship without getting into too many arguments. When you visit each other, maybe try to avoid the religious topics if she brings them up. If there are any fun activities you could do together such as going our for lunch, coffee, walks, etc., maybe try to do some nice things together you both enjoy. 

At 26 you're your own person and you aren't required to be religious if it's not the right thing for you. You don't have to share your Mum's beliefs but at the same time this is what's important to her and she won't change. 

You know, and many other people know, that just because someone didn't get married or have kids doesn't make them a bad and unworthy person. I think a lot of parents also want to become grandparents so she probably has that idea inbuilt in her mind. Especially as she's very religious so she probably believes it's a woman's purpose in life to have kids. This used to be an old belief back in the day but of course now is outdated. 

Your mother may need time to get used to and accept that you don't want kids, especially if you're an only child. I think from her perspective it actually might be a difficult thing to come to terms with but it's YOUR life so she'll need to accept it. 

Do you also have other family you could come to for support or they're also all religious?

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I don't tell my mother and siblings everything.  (Father passed away long ago.)  I agree with others.  The less you say, the less they will criticize you or insert their unsolicited opinions or advice.  This is how you enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.

Often times, when relationships including family relationships don't thrive, you have to lower their status to an acquaintance level or sometimes less than that.  Just because she's your mother, it doesn't mean you owe her explanations about your life during your every waking hour.  I withhold information all the time because I know my mother and siblings will pry into my business or worse, they become very aggressive to the point of a heated argument.  Been there, done that.

I've also learned to be quiet with my in-laws otherwise I'll hear snide comments from them.

Watch what you say and write.  Exercise caution.  Say or write anything at your own risk.  Think before you act if you wish to feel safe and protected. 

If your mother says what you don't wish to hear, politely end your phone call or in person, excuse yourself and walk out.  Or, make your exit and leave.  Repeat until she gets the message. 

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I had to learn the hard way that part of maturity is learning to adopt discretion.

It helps to make different kinds and degrees of friends and mentors to meet different needs.

I have certain friends who share my spiritual or political beliefs, even while I respect the limits of other friends and focus on the smaller areas where our interests intersect.

That's exactly how I've come to cultivate a beautiful relationship with my Mom. We have a basic understanding of our opposing positions on certain things, and we've agreed to leave it there instead of picking at that. We have so many other things to love about one another.

So how does a parent that doesn't know certain things about you love the 'real' you?

Respect. Including respect for your privacy.

When Mom oversteps, you can remind her that she's done a good job of raising you, and she'll need to trust the wings of adulthood she's taught you how to use.

You'll need to trust this too, even while you respect the limitations of the fallible human who raised you well enough to do so.

Head high, and don't allow 'perfect' to become the enemy of what can be good.

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