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I think I'm losing my identity.


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When my husband and I - him type B (bless him - I’ve learned so much from him ) and me type A and both of us early 40s with successful careers went for premarital counseling - obligatory for the religious ceremony - the officiant said - pls take this to heart as far as the “right on paper” stuff. - he said “look I know you love each other. So I don’t need to ask. But do you LIKE each other. What do you like doing together ?”  We smiled and said something like we like hanging out together and we both like watching Seinfeld reruns. He pronounced us a good couple. Ready to marry. 
obviously he was a bit flippant - and had known my husband for decades - but you know it’s common sense and true.  You have to like each other and to me that includes - for a marriage - respect and admiration and the kind of loving that is giving. Even giving space.

 Like giving you space - once you’re out with your friends - to feel like you are not on a leash (I’ll say especially since you don’t have a small child at home and a sleep deprived spouse who needs you home to help with bedtime so she can collapse ). 

it’s not about “she’s the best of the bunch “. It’s another form of settling.  Its more like the lyrics of the old but awesome Billy Joel song you’re my house and you are my home. You don’t feel at home with her. Who cares if she’s a good catch ?

 

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1 hour ago, Scottr080 said:

She also told me "not to toot my own horn", but that I wouldn't find someone else like her

See the pic below

Also

1 hour ago, Scottr080 said:

It's funny, I was feeling that exact same way, and have felt the same way for pretty much our entire relationship - like I hit the jackpot in regards of punching above my weight, so I didn't disagree with her

Do you mean in terms of the looks? Because everything else positive you described is very basic stuff. 

And to diss your sense of humor like that is, just wow.

Also, if you couldnt work out living together I dont see the point of you both staying there. Because even after all that you would still need to get back to living together after some time.Its just incompatibility. Lots of people discover that after they start to live together.

her-youll-never-find-another-girl-like-me-girls-like-her-memes-7aac86d9d6f00a21-5cc34b32fe59cf69.jpg

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1 hour ago, Scottr080 said:

So, for an update - after I wrote my last post, I ended up going back to the apartment to talk some more stuff through, and start to get some of my stuff, and, well, I did the vulnerable thing, and I ended up backpedaling and deciding that we would try to start the relationship over again from square one. Meaning, I go back to my old apartment, she stays in hers, and we sort of build up our relationship again, but this time, we try it with more of an understanding of what I want to do, meaning... whatever that means.

At the time, she told me to pick what I wanted to do, on the spot - either we try again, or we just cut it off. We sat on the couch for 10 minutes and she watched me squirm and run through my scenarios in my head. I decided to keep going with the relationship, but since I've had all night to mull it over, I think that was a bad idea. 

She said something that didn't sit well with me, and it didn't really hit me until a few hours ago.. but she basically told me that there aren't any adult women out there with any level of emotional maturity, who would think that my sense of humor is funny. That, "that's what your boys are for." So, I guess her solution to my sense of humor was... to go somewhere else if I want to be that way. 

She also told me "not to toot my own horn", but that I wouldn't find someone else like her - in regards to how she treats me. Basically, that she's as good as it'll get. 

It's funny, I was feeling that exact same way, and have felt the same way for pretty much our entire relationship - like I hit the jackpot in regards of punching above my weight, so I didn't disagree with her... but, with the clarity of a night's sleep, I don't see how that's anything but textbook emotional manipulation. She knows I already have self-esteem issues, so that hits me at my core. 

I guess I should go back today and tell her I just need time to myself. 

She seems angry and honestly who wouldn't be after you basically put her in her place and told her you could live without her... literally!

I think both of you have been filling a void and were never compatible. She's not going to respect you any more for backpedaling and it's sad that she doesn't recognize that. She shows disrespect to you and it reflects poorly on her own choices.

You've both hurt each other. Time to step away from this and make better decisions for your future. Once you break up, you don't have to worry about the other person's choices and she doesn't have to judge you anymore about what you do on your spare time. Don't stay in contact with her. Stay focused on your life and what you want out of it. 

 

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1 hour ago, Scottr080 said:

So, for an update - after I wrote my last post, I ended up going back to the apartment to talk some more stuff through, and start to get some of my stuff, and, well, I did the vulnerable thing, and I ended up backpedaling and deciding that we would try to start the relationship over again from square one. Meaning, I go back to my old apartment, she stays in hers, and we sort of build up our relationship again, but this time, we try it with more of an understanding of what I want to do, meaning... whatever that means.

At the time, she told me to pick what I wanted to do, on the spot - either we try again, or we just cut it off. We sat on the couch for 10 minutes and she watched me squirm and run through my scenarios in my head. I decided to keep going with the relationship, but since I've had all night to mull it over, I think that was a bad idea. 

She said something that didn't sit well with me, and it didn't really hit me until a few hours ago.. but she basically told me that there aren't any adult women out there with any level of emotional maturity, who would think that my sense of humor is funny. That, "that's what your boys are for." So, I guess her solution to my sense of humor was... to go somewhere else if I want to be that way. 

She also told me "not to toot my own horn", but that I wouldn't find someone else like her - in regards to how she treats me. Basically, that she's as good as it'll get. 

It's funny, I was feeling that exact same way, and have felt the same way for pretty much our entire relationship - like I hit the jackpot in regards of punching above my weight, so I didn't disagree with her... but, with the clarity of a night's sleep, I don't see how that's anything but textbook emotional manipulation. She knows I already have self-esteem issues, so that hits me at my core. 

I guess I should go back today and tell her I just need time to myself. 

Well you can go somewhere else if "you want to be that way". Away from her! Lol I'm sure that's not true that no women would find your sense of humour funny. Unless your humour is really offensive, like racist or misogynist or something, likely there would be women that would find you funny.

She thinks she's as good as it gets for you? So you really couldn't do better than someone who doesn't like your sense of humour, judges your hobbies, doesn't let you see friends and family? Um, yes you can. The reason why is because basic respect for you and accepting you as you are is the minimum someone should expect in a relationship. You don't have that here so it can only get better with someone else.

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55 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Do you mean in terms of the looks? Because everything else positive you described is very basic stuff. 

That's the impression I've been getting too.

Handsome folks can sort of trick others with their looks as some people mistake physical beauty with good personality. If that makes any sense.

I've known so many stories of a woman who looks very attractive and successful, but who acts like a selfish jerk at the same time. Same for men. They think with their looks they can get away with trashy acts. And sadly, they do sometimes because society is visual.

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Do you mean in terms of the looks? Because everything else positive you described is very basic stuff. 

 

Nah, not in terms of looks. If I'm being honest, I find her attractive, but that's the last way I'd describe her to someone.

I've actually been thinking a lot about this, since reading all of the comments to my original post. I guess why I found her to be a great catch, was because she's disciplined, has a great connection with her family (minus her dad), has been through some really life threatening stuff before I met her, and came out the other side, stronger. She didn't want kids, wanted to stay in my home state, has the same strict diet as me, didn't dink, etc, etc.

The more I think about it, I think it is true that I was conflating box checking with compatibility. I've dated a good number of women as an adult, and I always felt like the only one who had their *** together, so I guess when I finally met someone who came off like a real-ass adult who had their *** together, it was very intriguing to me. And then of course, and this has been the hardest thing about calling the relationship off - I really felt like she loved me deeply, was dedicated, and only had my best interest in mind. Since I've been (over)analyzing our time together, I'm starting to doubt how much of the stuff that she did for me, was really for me, or just a means of control. I can't trust my judgement right now, so I may be in the wrong to even think that. I dunno.

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

I think both of you have been filling a void and were never compatible. She's not going to respect you any more for backpedaling and it's sad that she doesn't recognize that. She shows disrespect to you and it reflects poorly on her own choices.

 

I think you're on to something with that- yeah. I was just coming up on a year of sobriety (alcohol), lost ~80 lbs in that time, and was (and still am) very health-focused, so when I met her at what felt like the perfect time in my life, I may have been so wrapped up in her being just what I thought I needed. She was going in the direction I wanted to be headed in.  

Edited by Scottr080
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1 minute ago, Scottr080 said:

I was just coming up on a year of sobriety (alcohol), lost ~80 lbs in that time, and was (and still am) very health-focused, so when I met her at what felt like the perfect time in my life, I may have been so wrapped up in her being just what I thought I needed. She was going in the direction I wanted to be headed in.  

Excellent. Focus on your health and sobriety. You don't need her for this. In fact hopefully you are in support groups. Self-discipline as far as health comes from well, oneself.

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15 hours ago, Scottr080 said:

... she basically told me that there aren't any adult women out there with any level of emotional maturity, who would think that my sense of humor is funny. ...

She also told me "not to toot my own horn", but that I wouldn't find someone else like her - in regards to how she treats me. Basically, that she's as good as it'll get. 

So her definition of 'making things work' is to insult you right from the gate.

Even while believing that she's emotionally mature.

I wouldn't give her any answers until you get all of your stuff out of there. Then you're free to say whatever you want without putting up with more bull or having your belongings held hostage.

She's not the prize you believed, and I'm sorry for your dis-illusion-ment. That can be a painful thing, but you ARE smart, and you DO deserve better--and I have no doubt you'll find the right person who can recognize and appreciate your value.

Head high.

 

Edited by catfeeder
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10 hours ago, Scottr080 said:

I really felt like she loved me deeply, was dedicated, and only had my best interest in mind.

See, I get quite the opposite impression, reading your posts. 

It sounds to me like she has very little respect for you and does not want you to be anyone that she doesn't want you to be. You can't be yourself around her. That isn't loving at all, and certainly doesn't indicate she has your best interests at heart. 

I don't see this as you over-thinking. I see this as you finally listening to what your gut has been trying to tell you, which is that you are not happy and she isn't right for you. 

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11 hours ago, Scottr080 said:

Nah, not in terms of looks. If I'm being honest, I find her attractive, but that's the last way I'd describe her to someone.

I've actually been thinking a lot about this, since reading all of the comments to my original post. I guess why I found her to be a great catch, was because she's disciplined, has a great connection with her family (minus her dad), has been through some really life threatening stuff before I met her, and came out the other side, stronger. She didn't want kids, wanted to stay in my home state, has the same strict diet as me, didn't dink, etc, etc.

The more I think about it, I think it is true that I was conflating box checking with compatibility. I've dated a good number of women as an adult, and I always felt like the only one who had their *** together, so I guess when I finally met someone who came off like a real-ass adult who had their *** together, it was very intriguing to me. And then of course, and this has been the hardest thing about calling the relationship off - I really felt like she loved me deeply, was dedicated, and only had my best interest in mind. Since I've been (over)analyzing our time together, I'm starting to doubt how much of the stuff that she did for me, was really for me, or just a means of control. I can't trust my judgement right now, so I may be in the wrong to even think that. I dunno.

 

I think you're on to something with that- yeah. I was just coming up on a year of sobriety (alcohol), lost ~80 lbs in that time, and was (and still am) very health-focused, so when I met her at what felt like the perfect time in my life, I may have been so wrapped up in her being just what I thought I needed. She was going in the direction I wanted to be headed in.  

This kind of reflection sounds productive as you’re realizing what drew you to her initially and the person you have been growing into and evolving into.

Both of you may have been compatible in some ways but not enough ways to keep that continued love and care going. There’s also no shame in realizing when you’ve outgrown someone. It is ok to let go. And also say goodbye to an older version of yourself. That’s amazing that you were successful with 80lbs of weight loss. And congratulations on one year of sobriety. Keep it up. Do you have ongoing support systems with staying sober? 

The new you may have a renewed sense of identity. You’ve changed too so embrace that and move forward.

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On 6/10/2022 at 8:13 AM, Scottr080 said:

Well, I did it. I sat her down a few hours ago and told her that I don't think we should live together. It was not a fun conversation to have, at all. I feel sad and sick and like I'm not going to find someone to settle down with at this age...

 

But, I know that's most likely not true, and I do believe that I'll find someone else again, down the line.. but boy, does this hurt. My friends and family are relieved for me, however... 

 

She's trying to keep the possibility of still making it work on the table, but I don't know... I sort of feel like deciding not to live together, is the beginning of the end of the relationship. I don't think these are issues that can be overcome overnight. 

Hats off to you for being strong to do this. Most don't and we see them coming back for advice about the same person for months or even years. You have learned some very valuable things about what is important to you and things about yourself. Going forward this will help you find what you are looking for/need...because that is what dating/being in a relationship is for...to prepare us in our decision making when locating a life partner.

For her I hope this was reality check that she needs to take some time to reflect on how her behaviour effects the people around her. If she wants to get anywhere with finding true happiness sharing her life with someone, she needs to get off the pot and make some changes. And you are right, this can't happen over night, this will probably take some time to do it.

Best of luck, and stay strong.

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