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All the confidence in the world and then none at the same time


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As background about what brought back these lack of confidence feelings I have, there’s a girl I intern with who I like, and I think I got good vibes from a couple interactions (have a post about this and how to proceed in another topic).  I didn’t get an opportunity to talk to her at an event today, and she spent much of the time talking to a guy who I personally would classify as kind of a douche.  Seeing that really killed my confidence tonight and is causing me to doubt the vibes I thought I got from her.  

The thing is, objectively, I don’t really believe this guy is better looking than me, nor more charming, and he’s probably less successful.  But in my mind he’s got everything and she’s probably wanting that.  I struggle so much with personal confidence that in moments where maybe I should’ve approached this girl tonight, I couldn’t.  And now I’m doubting if I should moving forward.  I know a huge piece of attraction is confidence and how you give that off.

Professionally, I’m the most confident person out there. I have zero doubts about my abilities and my ability for future success.  I go to an Ivy League school with top grades, I’m working at a top law firm, I’ve had some of the most prestigious work experience you can have.  At my previous jobs I’ve excelled very very far, and people genuinely believe I’m going to be successful—people think I’m gonna be a US senator or something like that.  I also dress for success at work—I have tailored clothes, custom things like shirts, very nice shoes, etc. 
 

Personally, I have zero confidence.  Genuinely, I’m an average looking guy.  Not thin but not fat.  I’ve had attractive girls like me, and my ex was very attractive. Im also pretty short.  
 

But for some reason I can only focus on my flaws.  Im not skinny, im shorter, im not as “cool” as some frat guy.  Whenever I get some feelings for a girl, I just have such incredible self doubt about how could she like me?  There’s no way she could like me over these other guys I see her chatting with.  Yet at the same time I realize I’m probably the type of guy, especially as someone in their late 20s, that women would probably start to prefer.
 

I guess I just don’t know how to improve.  This girl I would like to pursue I have had good interactions with, but I think I tend to look for a smoking gun.  I need constant reassurance she likes me.  If she doesn’t look at me, I feel bad, if she doesn’t approach me, I feel bad.  But I also am sane and know that not having an interaction doesn’t mean anything, talking to this douche guy doesn’t necessarily mean anything, and women also don’t chase guys often.  She’s probably not going to make it obvious if she might be interested.

I really like this girl.  I got good vibes from her last week, I just had such a gut feeling she might be open to something, but all that is wiped out in my head now.  I don’t wanna blow this thing and don’t know how to proceed.  

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Posted (edited)

I think those feelings you described are normal and we can feel disappointed or intimidated when we look up to someone. You’re quite harsh with yourself. The way you apply yourself to textbooks and your grades are not the same with the way you love and appreciate and also learn from new experiences. It’s called emotional intelligence, have care and empathy for yourself and the same for others. People can move with the wind and blow here and there. They’re allowed to do that, not with the rigid applications you may be used to. People also make mistakes, may realize them and correct them too in very much the same way you would. 

Try loosening up a bit and treat her as an admirable young lady that you’d like to know and not someone vaulted on an unattainable pillar. I suggested in your previous thread to wait until the internship is over to ask her out. You don’t know one another well and just met. Take it easy and don’t put such a great amount of pressure on yourself. 

And so what if she goes off with another man? If you’re the one she has her eye on no one else is going to matter. It takes two. And there are many more than just you two. She’s not the entire and only thing that matters on the earth. Keep your chin up and focus on the internship.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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You are giving way too much importance to that girl. And you dont even know her and already linked your self-worth with whether she would go out with you or not. She could be incredibly shallow and tend to like doushes. Should that affect your sense of self-worth? Heck no, you should be glad that you are not in her radar if that is the case.

What I am trying to say is, she is just some girl. Her rejecting you or accepting you shouldnt affect your confidence that much. You should know who you are already and that you are "worthy". You dont need to improve for somebody you dont even know. You should always look at those kinds of interactions as not a big deal in the grand order of things. You ask her for a drink, she says no, OK you move on. You ask her for a drink, she says yes, you go to next step. Both scenarios dont change who you are. Again, you already know that. Just look at her as "some girl" for now and you will see how easier things would be no matter what happens. Even interactions with her should be easier then if you think of her as some mythical creature on whos approval your sense of self-worth lies.

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8 hours ago, lshopeful17 said:

 I got good vibes from her last week.  I don’t wanna blow this thing and don’t know how to proceed.  

Unfortunately, the "good vibes" were your crush on her. When you create an imaginary scenario in your mind, you become your own worst enemy.

For example that you and this so-called "douche" were in a competition for her.

There's nothing to "blow". This is not a singles club to try out pickup artist tricks, it's an internship.

Is there some reason you can't date outside of the workplace?

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On 6/8/2022 at 5:25 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, the "good vibes" were your crush on her. When you create an imaginary scenario in your mind, you become your own worst enemy.

For example that you and this so-called "douche" were in a competition for her.

There's nothing to "blow". This is not a singles club to try out pickup artist tricks, it's an internship.

Is there some reason you can't date outside of the workplace?

I didn’t say I can’t date outside the workplace, and where did I say I’m viewing this as a singles club? I like the girl in particular for a lot of reasons.  I’m not interested in the myriad of other women here, nor did I come in having any expectation of such.  I think I’ve also been pretty clear I’m being very cautious.

But I had a very good interaction with this person and it felt different to me, so I’m interested in feeling things out.

Two of my best friends met their wives at work, and in no way am I saying my case is similar but I don’t think it’s as weird as you make it seem.  

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On 6/8/2022 at 1:38 AM, Kwothe28 said:

You are giving way too much importance to that girl. And you dont even know her and already linked your self-worth with whether she would go out with you or not. She could be incredibly shallow and tend to like doushes. Should that affect your sense of self-worth? Heck no, you should be glad that you are not in her radar if that is the case.

What I am trying to say is, she is just some girl. Her rejecting you or accepting you shouldnt affect your confidence that much. You should know who you are already and that you are "worthy". You dont need to improve for somebody you dont even know. You should always look at those kinds of interactions as not a big deal in the grand order of things. You ask her for a drink, she says no, OK you move on. You ask her for a drink, she says yes, you go to next step. Both scenarios dont change who you are. Again, you already know that. Just look at her as "some girl" for now and you will see how easier things would be no matter what happens. Even interactions with her should be easier then if you think of her as some mythical creature on whos approval your sense of self-worth lies.

This was super helpful, thank you! I’ve thought about this a lot the last couple days and you’re right.  I just get into my own head so much because I do lack confidence personally at times.

You mentioned that she is after all just a person.  She’s not flawless and I’m sure has insecurities too.  I need to approach her like id approach anyone else and just be friendly and see what happens from there to start because if she doesn’t like me it’s not a reflection on me.  Most of the women who really like me are the people who know me and have gotten to know who I really am without trying to force something.

Most of the battle is just believing in myself and portraying my confidence externally even if I don’t have it as much internally.  She’s enjoyed talking to me when we’ve interacted, so there’s no reason for me to assume the worst or overreact about anything.  If nothing else I’ll try to improve so when I’m interested in someone else (hopefully outside the office!) I’ll be better about it 

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Posted (edited)

Posted this on my other thread but I decided to talk to the girl tonight at a happy hour.  Saw her earlier and she was super happy to see me.  BUT I found out tonight she’s got a boyfriend.  Disappointing but at the same time zero regrets getting the confidence to go up to her group and spend time with her.  I didn’t melt and I genuinely like her so it’s nice to at minimum have a friend at work.  Obviously I’m moving on but I’ll of course continue to be nice to her because you never know, and you never know who she may know.

I also met some other girls tonight who I’m not necessarily interested in but they all liked me and talking to me, which shows me I just need to be better about putting myself out there and to just be me, because people like me.  I’ll find the right person eventually

Edited by lshopeful17
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Thanks for the update, and your attitude and views on this are healthy.

This is the stuff we find out by getting to know people over time, so I'm glad you didn't try to rush this.

In fact, when I'm in the workplace, I tend to treat every man as though he's partnered up. If there's ever a good reason for a guy to disabuse me of that idea, he'll have no trouble letting me know.

EnjOy your friendship. Maybe you'll even find yourself giving douche guy a break and turning out to like him at some point after all.

We never know how we might surprise ourselves.

Head high.

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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Thanks for the update, and your attitude and views on this are healthy.

This is the stuff we find out by getting to know people over time, so I'm glad you didn't try to rush this.

In fact, when I'm in the workplace, I tend to treat every man as though he's partnered up. If there's ever a good reason for a guy to disabuse me of that idea, he'll have no trouble letting me know.

EnjOy your friendship. Maybe you'll even find yourself giving douche guy a break and turning out to like him at some point after all.

We never know how we might surprise ourselves.

Head high.

To be fair I thought he was a douche before I knew this girl existed haha. But your point is well taken!

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On 6/7/2022 at 8:43 PM, lshopeful17 said:

I guess I just don’t know how to improve.  This girl I would like to pursue I have had good interactions with, but I think I tend to look for a smoking gun.  I need constant reassurance she likes me.  If she doesn’t look at me, I feel bad, if she doesn’t approach me, I feel bad.  But I also am sane and know that not having an interaction doesn’t mean anything, talking to this douche guy doesn’t necessarily mean anything, and women also don’t chase guys often.  She’s probably not going to make it obvious if she might be interested.

I really like this girl.  I got good vibes from her last week, I just had such a gut feeling she might be open to something, but all that is wiped out in my head now.

 

Try not to lose yourself in this.  Should she not favour you ( possibly just not into you- that should be okay). We need to learn how to accept we won't get everything or everyone we want out there....

Great you've moved in great strides with your work!  Yes, there are many avenues in life. We may strive in one way but lack in another.

And I can tell you that everyone has insecurities & things they do not like about themselves. 

Is just acceptance.  Try not to 'feel bad', should she not be giving you attention you want.  If someone is not that into us, nothing we can do.  We cannot make someone love us 😉 .

So think to yourself... 'So what, she's talking to some guy.. doesn't necessarily mean anything.. but if she is kinda into him, so what.. I'll move on'.

If she is into you, you'll know it.. but I am just trying to say that you need to be okay, should she not be.  And be okay with it all and move along.

And maybe you should work on yourself a little more?  That self confidence etc.  Because some can pick up on those negatives & insecurities.  And if it's not her, you know someone else will come along, in time 🙂 . ( like you said, you have an ex?).

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