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I looked so jealous


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My ex who has been emotionally abusive towards me even when we was together but i didnt realise it at the time, is now with a new woman, a woman who i suspected would be his new victim as she is as vulnerable as i was, she is the perfect person for his narcissism and is someone he always told me he didnt like.  they were both at an event i was at on friday and towards the end of the night, they were on the dancefloor near to me and i saw him kiss her and cuddle her whilst dancing.  I was expecting this day to come and knew it would be her and even expected it to happen on this particular night, but still i reacted.  

I went over to her while he was there and just said he will hurt her like like he hurt me, they both just looked away and said nothing.  I said to him what are you doing hurting someone else, you never liked her and have said horrible things about her in the past.  I walked away and a few mins later she walked away from him but he stayed put.  I went over to him again and said the same thing and he took my outside.  I said to him why is he doing this again and going to hurt someone else, you dont even like her do you.  I said what will happen to you when you hurt her and her friends then dont talk to you, you will have no one.  All he then said was i am going travelling again soon anyway....he didnt say anything about her.  I said again you will hurt her, he shrugged his shoulders and called me darling.  I said she has dogs (he hates them and always told me he wouldnt date anyone who had dogs) and he pulled a face and said "i know" and i then said well dont you have a problem with that and he said "yeah i do".  He is totally using her and practically admitted it to me.  It just made me so angry as i knew this is what he was doing and as crazy as i sound i felt sorry for her for a split second as what i went through trying to get over his hurt and abuse is still tormenting me even now.  I looked jealous but i was not, i was angry.  I said to him that he promised me he would not flaunt any new woman in my face but he has and he just then said go away.

I am very annoyed at myself as i should not have said anything at all and should let the relationship fall to bits and let her get hurt, she doesnt deserve my protection or warning as she has also stabbed me in the back as last year was being my friend supporting me over him but at the same time was messaging him and going after him for herself.   He told me as much when we was talking last year and even showed me her messages and now she is the one bringing him to places i am going to be.  I so wished i had just laughed at them and watch it fall apart and then everyone on her side would see that he has done it again to someone else and then would see that what i was saying he did to me last year was totally true.  But i didnt, i gave him the reaction he obviously wanted and it looks like i was jealous.  

I will have to see them together again in 2 weeks as she is bringing him yet again to a social event i will be at.  How on gods earth do i show them that i just dont care?  I so wished i hadnt have reacted but i did.  My friends have told me that of course it would upset me seeing him with someone else, i am only human etc etc.  However ive been to a counsellor and have totally seen that he has abused me emotionally throughout our 5 year relationship and he is a narcissist which is why he is now with her, not because he likes her, but because she fuels him and boosts his ego and will fall for his nonsense just like i did.  Other stronger women see through him so he never goes for those.  However because i loved him so much and was so hurt by him it does still hurt me to see him with someone else but at the same time i know i am so free of him now and shouldnt care at all.  

How do I cope in the future and not give them any more of my reaction or time and also to not embarass myself again?

 

 

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Posted (edited)

I would avoid being in the same location again if you cannot control yourself.  If you witness anyone abusing anyone then you notify the bouncer or authorities.  Otherwise you have no business confronting your ex in this way at all. 

Assume this woman is an adult and can take care of herself, assume he is different with her and even if not it is none of your business.  You're playing with fire here -she or her friends or his friends could get very angry with you for interfering and confronting and hurt you.  It wouldn't be right but why risk getting people angry at you?

He was right to say go away.  He is entitled to date whoever he pleases. He shouldn't have promised he wouldn't have a new girlfriend at the same location you might be at - that's not practical and he's not flaunting.  It's a public place. Maybe he feels differently about dogs. You have no idea because it is none of your business how he feels.  Maybe he disliked her at one time and now he likes her.  That's normal -it happens.  

I'd make a choice to stay clear across the room at all times from him should you ever be at the same location again and if you cannot control yourself go elsewhere. Feel upset -feel what you feel -never react by confronting as you did.  You choose your reaction (and stay sober so you don't affect your ability to choose a reaction).

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

I will have to see them together again in 2 weeks as she is bringing him yet again to a social event i will be at. 

Perhaps it will register with her in the future. Stop interacting with him.

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You need to steer clear from them as much as possible. Put your well-being and sanity first. Put your own happiness above theirs. It doesn't matter who he is with anymore.

Frankly, had you pulled her aside and discretely gave her a comment that he's abusive and leave it at that... That would have been more powerful. Cause you don't care about him. You care about warning the next victim... But you can't do more.

So for your own self worth and sanity, refuse to be in the same place as him- even if it means omitting certain events for a 3-4 months.

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2 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

How on gods earth do i show them that i just dont care?

Now, after you made a scene, there is nothing you can do. Also, you do care, you made a scene. Its kinda pointless to say how you dont. 

Part of acceptance is accepting that its over and that the other person can do whatever it wants. That includes dating others. I know you see him as "a villain". And that you felt its somehow "your duty" to tell her how he will hurt her. But this just makes you look silly. He can now say that you are just crazy ex who stalks him.

Your healing process is not there so you could somehow be vigilante who would stop your ex doing stuff he did to you. That is not the point. Point is for you to feel better, stop carring about him and moving on. That means that you would find yourself through therapy and be ready to make a healthy relationship with somebody else. You playing vigilante is just halting that. Worst of all, now you gave both of them on importance. He is smug because he made you jealous and she thinks he is all that because there are other girls jealous over him and she has him. You did exactly nothing with your scene and probably made the situation worst. So just work on yourself and dont pay attention to them.

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Thanks everyone, i was totally annoyed at myself and i have let myself down i do know that.  It got the better of me and i was angry and hurt.  I know it was very wrong of me and i truly do not want him back, i hate what he did to me and how much pain he caused and that is what i am still carrying around with me which is why i reacted.  I should have laughed at the attempt to get a reaction out of me and sit back and wait for him to do it to her.  its not my problem anymore and i so not want to react any more, i musnt i know that 

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Posted (edited)
46 minutes ago, Shaz48 said:

Thanks everyone, i was totally annoyed at myself and i have let myself down i do know that.  It got the better of me and i was angry and hurt.  I know it was very wrong of me and i truly do not want him back, i hate what he did to me and how much pain he caused and that is what i am still carrying around with me which is why i reacted.  I should have laughed at the attempt to get a reaction out of me and sit back and wait for him to do it to her.  its not my problem anymore and i so not want to react any more, i musnt i know that 

You reacted because you chose to -not because you are in pain etc - you always get the choice to react to feeling in pain as far as acting out against someone else (I realize that we can't help but cry or shout or whatever to a painful feeling but walking over to him and confronting him was your choice not "because" you were in pain).  Make sure you own this or it will happen again.  Decide in advance how you will choose to react -will you walk away? Have a glass of water?  Do a deep breathing exercise? Call a friend? Focus on something on a wall? If you decide to be at the same location as him again rehearse this in advance.  

You know you made a bad choice which is great - it will help you make a better one next time.  Good luck.

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)

@Shaz48the break up is still fresh and an abusive relationship can leave deep scars. I can empathize with your reaction.

Seeing he triggers you as much, just stay away from him. And what you did taught you and confirmed you need to do that. Keep walking forward and don't take it as a step back. You have a long way to go!

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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5 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

My ex who has been emotionally abusive towards me even when we was together but i didnt realise it at the time, is now with a new woman, a woman who i suspected would be his new victim as she is as vulnerable as i was, she is the perfect person for his narcissism and is someone he always told me he didnt like.  they were both at an event i was at on friday and towards the end of the night, they were on the dancefloor near to me and i saw him kiss her and cuddle her whilst dancing.  I was expecting this day to come and knew it would be her and even expected it to happen on this particular night, but still i reacted.  

I went over to her while he was there and just said he will hurt her like like he hurt me, they both just looked away and said nothing.  I said to him what are you doing hurting someone else, you never liked her and have said horrible things about her in the past.  I walked away and a few mins later she walked away from him but he stayed put.  I went over to him again and said the same thing and he took my outside.  I said to him why is he doing this again and going to hurt someone else, you dont even like her do you.  I said what will happen to you when you hurt her and her friends then dont talk to you, you will have no one.  All he then said was i am going travelling again soon anyway....he didnt say anything about her.  I said again you will hurt her, he shrugged his shoulders and called me darling.  I said she has dogs (he hates them and always told me he wouldnt date anyone who had dogs) and he pulled a face and said "i know" and i then said well dont you have a problem with that and he said "yeah i do".  He is totally using her and practically admitted it to me.  It just made me so angry as i knew this is what he was doing and as crazy as i sound i felt sorry for her for a split second as what i went through trying to get over his hurt and abuse is still tormenting me even now.  I looked jealous but i was not, i was angry.  I said to him that he promised me he would not flaunt any new woman in my face but he has and he just then said go away.

I am very annoyed at myself as i should not have said anything at all and should let the relationship fall to bits and let her get hurt, she doesnt deserve my protection or warning as she has also stabbed me in the back as last year was being my friend supporting me over him but at the same time was messaging him and going after him for herself.   He told me as much when we was talking last year and even showed me her messages and now she is the one bringing him to places i am going to be.  I so wished i had just laughed at them and watch it fall apart and then everyone on her side would see that he has done it again to someone else and then would see that what i was saying he did to me last year was totally true.  But i didnt, i gave him the reaction he obviously wanted and it looks like i was jealous.  

I will have to see them together again in 2 weeks as she is bringing him yet again to a social event i will be at.  How on gods earth do i show them that i just dont care?  I so wished i hadnt have reacted but i did.  My friends have told me that of course it would upset me seeing him with someone else, i am only human etc etc.  However ive been to a counsellor and have totally seen that he has abused me emotionally throughout our 5 year relationship and he is a narcissist which is why he is now with her, not because he likes her, but because she fuels him and boosts his ego and will fall for his nonsense just like i did.  Other stronger women see through him so he never goes for those.  However because i loved him so much and was so hurt by him it does still hurt me to see him with someone else but at the same time i know i am so free of him now and shouldnt care at all.  

How do I cope in the future and not give them any more of my reaction or time and also to not embarass myself again?

 

 

Think about it this way: if you didn’t care you’d be just like him so stop trying to be like him. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself and feeds off of your reactions. 

Tell yourself instead it is ok to feel hurt and angry. Don’t keep denying yourself the way you feel. 

And then don’t react to it. The problem is you keep telling yourself you shouldn’t care which isn’t healthy. 

Also, live your life well. If you see them at functions mingle with other people. Just stop telling yourself you shouldn’t care. You can care a great deal. Care that you live a fantastic life and care that he’s never going to be in it again or be a partner to you. That’s how you move forward. 

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5 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

How do I cope in the future and not give them any more of my reaction or time and also to not embarass myself again?

By being the bigger person, working on raising your self-respect and evicting him from the space he's renting in your head.

In addition to that, allow yourself the time it takes to recover.

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Yes, and I'd like to add that abusers go towards highly empathetic people. It's because you have high empathy and you are over-responsible that you also went in there.

But there's no use of talking to an abuser... Because it's what they do: abuse people. It's like telling a foodie not to eat... But he's a foodie! It's his thing.

Take good care of you. Love yourself and don't allow him to steal your spark anymore. It does get better with time, space, and lots of love. Confide to trusted friends as well. You will get the hang of it!

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My heart goes out to you. I'd consider bringing as my plus-one a good friend who will do me the favor of locking eyes with me whenever that couple is too prominent in my view, so I can speak with her instead of looking at them. Even if I'm just saying blah-blah-blah, and we laugh.

However, one thing has always worked in instances where I'm crossing paths with an ex or his GF or the couple together and can NOT look away without obvious embarrassment. I just look them in the eyes, smile and wave or say hello as I pass.

From that point on, I feel liberated. I've disarmed them, I've set the tone for my own good time, and I pretty much forget about them after that.

Head high, you can move beyond this.

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