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Do I give up on being helpful?


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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well just in regards to the baby shower though, I don't think it needs to be expensive. Some people might even already have decorations at home. I think it's all about communication so just say to Kelly: "OK so do you still want me to do the baby shower for you, or do you want to do it?" If she says she wants you to do it, just say to her you have a certain budget and only so much you can spend. Ask if she's OK with people bringing a plate to share.

In my city we have some more expensive "party" stores or upper class department stores and we also have two dollar, bargain type shops. In my opinion decorations from the bargain shop basically look the same. I don't think you can tell the difference. Even with balloons, you could just get only one balloon that says "It's a boy" and just buy a pack of cheap blue balloons. 

Maybe Google "cheap baby shower" ideas. Also surely some of Kelly's other friends and family might like to help if you asked them? 

Not having much money for something like this isn't really a problem. For example, during the pandemic I made and sent care packs to my friends. I didn't spend that much on them. I just made things myself and put cards, stickers, made a collage, things like that. They thought it was really sweet and loved it but it didn't cost me much.

I was planning on going the $1 and $2 decor route. I'm very crafty with making things. 

Well thats what was discussed the other day. Kelly said "I know you offered to help with the shower. I think I'll check with Diane, my sister in law, and my husband's mom to help too. I don't know what I want for location or theme. I guess I need to start making decisions." 

For one. I didn't offer to help, I offered to throw the entire thing. 

Two, those other women haven't offered to do one thing as of now. You'd think the future grandmother of the kid would throw it. She hasn't said one word about throwing her a party. 

Kelly has no money. I think she's expecting that her mother in law will throw it at their house. She expected that for her bridal shower, but the woman never offered it up, so we scrambled to find a place last minute. Kelly kept insisting her mother in law will have it at the house and that's what she wanted, but the mother in law didn't offer. We can't just assume she's okay with it and use the house. 

Kelly's Dad said we could have it for free at his work. It's a nice indoor venue with plenty of parking, easy bathrooms, one floor walking for elderly guests and air conditioning. It's a hall space for events with plenty of tables and chairs.  The fact that Kelly isn't jumping on that is bizarre to me. 

Then I offered to make a dessert. I make gourmet desserts for lots of things and have had people ask where I bought it, when I made it. Then she says how maybe she'll get a cake like the one from their wedding. So apparently she doesn't want me on dessert. I asked what colors she liked and sent her a bunch of inspiration pictures. She just said she had no idea and that was it. 

I feel like she doesn't want anyone actually helping. She's being secretive and picky. And then she'll suddenly want us there doing it all for her. It's just odd to me. 

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Posted (edited)

I'm officially given up. I just talked with Kelly about it again. And she says, "well my mother in law might want to throw the whole thing. I need to talk with her. She hasn't said anything."

So she clearly doesn't want me throwing it. I'm her last choice here. She then says how "Well Diane might want to as well, I need to talk with them."

So clearly even Diane, who botched her bridal shower, is over me. 

Then she says "and my other bridesmaids may want to help." 

Her other bridesmaids from her wedding barely helped with her bridal shower. I was there, I spent tons of time and effort. I spent hundreds of dollars. 

I offered to throw the entire thing. But it's obvious, she doesn't want me to. I'm a bit hurt. 

I'm definitely showing up as a guest only. Bringing my gift and that's all. 

Edited by Alex39
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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I offered to throw the entire thing. But it's obvious, she doesn't want me to.

Yes, it is obvious. I would have said so even before she told you her mother-in-law wants to throw it. She was dodging your attempts to firm up ideas and didn't seem enthusiastic. 

You may have had nothing but the best intentions, but it's clear she does not want you running this event. I would take that as your sign that you really need to step back from this and not over-involve yourself. It sounds like this is not the first time and your efforts are not exactly appreciated. Don't try to take the reins on future events, either. 

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Posted (edited)

I would make some excuse and not show up as a guest - to generalize a bit I believe pregnant women especially are extra sensitive to negative vibes and energy (I think I was) and you've decided to be filled to the brim about this party planning situation.  If you calm down about it and feel more grounded after the baby is born maybe your gift can be to watch the infant while she showers or, later, offer to babysit etc.

If it helps you to feel wronged here and that you had the best of intentions and these misguided/unappreciative/odd/clueless about party planning people including a pregnant lady who doesn't know how she'll pay for diapers have conspired to annoy, frustrate, stress you, make you feel unwanted, etc then have your pity party and move on. 

Do I think you had good intentions -yes but in particular as long as things were done consistent with your perceived notions about showers and budgeting and party planning, and you tried to make good and realistic suggestions about venues. Yes, I think they are not the epitome of good manners, yes I think she is acting in a self-absorbed way (I know I know being pregnant and broke doesn't excuse that, I get it), and only you can decide whether it's better to be right or to be close.  

Edited by Batya33
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I had such good intentions. I was the first friend she told about the baby. I knew months before anyone else. She and I had this fun secret. I've been very much there for her. I even got her a beautiful baby blanket early on as a little surprise. I figured it was a nice gesture.  I am the only one that has gotten her a gift. She opened it and didnt seem super happy or anything. She barely looked at it and gave me a thank you. She barely took it out of the bag.

I have been so excited, supportive, and I was the first one to jump and offer to throw a shower, knowing she didn't have her mother. 

Now maybe her mother in law will jump in and throw it. I've now stepped out of this. But I find it odd that her mother in law hasn't mentioned it so far and it's been months of her knowing about the pregnancy.  Kelly lives with them in their house. Kelly claims, about why her mother in law didn't throw her a bridal shower "well she didn't care what was done." So she essentially didn't want to throw it. That's very clear. I think she'll be the same about this. 

I just find it rude. I offered to throw the whole thing. I offered. She hasnt gotten one other person who offered anything, including her husbands family. She's like "well I have to ask them if they want to do it first"

Who asks others to throw you a party?

Why do you need to then beg Diane and your other bridesmaids to be involved? Diane hasn't offered anything for it. You usually wait to see if anyone offers. Why are you asking people if they want to throw you a party? I find this in bad taste. It'd be way different for me if Diane had offered along with me, then I'd gladly do it together. But I'm the only one so far who has offered anything. I find it hurtful that she wants to ask others if they want to throw her a party, and I'm on the back burner, as just an option. That's why I'm stepping away. I'll go as just a guest. I'm very hurt by this. 

 

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Posted (edited)
34 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I had such good intentions. I was the first friend she told about the baby. I knew months before anyone else. She and I had this fun secret. I've been very much there for her. I even got her a beautiful baby blanket early on as a little surprise. I figured it was a nice gesture.  I am the only one that has gotten her a gift. She opened it and didnt seem super happy or anything. She barely looked at it and gave me a thank you. She barely took it out of the bag.

I have been so excited, supportive, and I was the first one to jump and offer to throw a shower, knowing she didn't have her mother. 

Now maybe her mother in law will jump in and throw it. I've now stepped out of this. But I find it odd that her mother in law hasn't mentioned it so far and it's been months of her knowing about the pregnancy.  Kelly lives with them in their house. Kelly claims, about why her mother in law didn't throw her a bridal shower "well she didn't care what was done." So she essentially didn't want to throw it. That's very clear. I think she'll be the same about this. 

I just find it rude. I offered to throw the whole thing. I offered. She hasnt gotten one other person who offered anything, including her husbands family. She's like "well I have to ask them if they want to do it first"

Who asks others to throw you a party?

Why do you need to then beg Diane and your other bridesmaids to be involved? Diane hasn't offered anything for it. You usually wait to see if anyone offers. Why are you asking people if they want to throw you a party? I find this in bad taste. It'd be way different for me if Diane had offered along with me, then I'd gladly do it together. But I'm the only one so far who has offered anything. I find it hurtful that she wants to ask others if they want to throw her a party, and I'm on the back burner, as just an option. That's why I'm stepping away. I'll go as just a guest. I'm very hurt by this. 

 

You do have very good intentions but I also think that maybe you're taking this a bit too personally. It's very sweet that you gave Kelly a gift and offered to throw the baby shower but you also need to remember that she does have other friends and family. Just because you offered doesn't mean that other people also can't be involved.

Also you don't necessarily always know what goes on behind the scenes in people's lives. You mentioned Kelly is poor so maybe she's hoping that her mother-in-law will actually spend more money on this baby shower. As you mentioned yourself, you didn't have a big budget. You tried to make Kelly aware of this so maybe she wanted more money to be spent and wants the mother-in-law to pay for it. Maybe it's not fair but you did say she's poor so she might feel this is actually the better option.

As I suggested in my previous reply, when you give gifts or do something nice for people, maybe try not to expect that they'll be doing those things for you as well or treating you as a better friend than anyone else. Just because someone announced they're pregnant doesn't mean people HAVE to give them gifts. Don't get me wrong, it's very nice you gave the gift but that doesn't mean that Diane, mother-in-law or XYZ friends are worse than you because they didn't give anything (yet anyway). 

People can also have different love languages and some people don't speak the gift love language. I actually love shopping and giving and getting gifts but some people don't. My best friend for example hates shopping and gets anxious about it.

If you look up love languages you'll see there are a few of them and giving gifts is one, but it's not the only one. Some people for example value words of affirmation so they love getting compliments and people saying nice things to them. Often people show they care by their own love language. So some people that value words of affirmation might say to Kelly: "Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm so happy for you! I know you're going to be a wonderful Mum." Just because they didn't give a gift doesn't mean they don't care.

I think you need to relax and not sweat these things. I do actually get the sense from your posts that you feel in some kind of competition with your friends and somehow think you deserve to be "put higher" than your other friends. The reality is you don't. Kelly is allowed to have other friends and friendship isn't always measured in gifts, spending money and things like that. As they say, the best things in life are free.

Also I think you're being a bit overly sensitive. You said Kelly didn't take the baby blanket you gave her out of the bag. Well, the baby isn't born yet so she's not using the blanket yet. When she actually has the baby she might take it out. I think maybe you're expecting too much or some kind of above and beyond gratitude or special treatment. 

Edited by Tinydance
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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

You do have very good intentions but I also think that maybe you're taking this a bit too personally. It's very sweet that you gave Kelly a gift and offered to throw the baby shower but you also need to remember that she does have other friends and family. Just because you offered doesn't mean that other people also can't be involved.

Also you don't necessarily always know what goes on behind the scenes in people's lives. You mentioned Kelly is poor so maybe she's hoping that her mother-in-law will actually spend more money on this baby shower. As you mentioned yourself, you didn't have a big budget. You tried to make Kelly aware of this so maybe she wanted more money to be spent and wants the mother-in-law to pay for it. Maybe it's not fair but you did say she's poor so she might feel this is actually the better option.

As I suggested in my previous reply, when you give gifts or do something nice for people, maybe try not to expect that they'll be doing those things for you as well or treating you as a better friend than anyone else. Just because someone announced they're pregnant doesn't mean people HAVE to give them gifts. Don't get me wrong, it's very nice you gave the gift but that doesn't mean that Diane, mother-in-law or XYZ friends are worse than you because they didn't give anything (yet anyway). 

People can also have different love languages and some people don't speak the gift love language. I actually love shopping and giving and getting gifts but some people don't. My best friend for example hates shopping and gets anxious about it.

If you look up love languages you'll see there are a few of them and giving gifts is one, but it's not the only one. Some people for example value words of affirmation so they love getting compliments and people saying nice things to them. Often people show they care by their own love language. So some people that value words of affirmation might say to Kelly: "Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm so happy for you! I know you're going to be a wonderful Mum." Just because they didn't give a gift doesn't mean they don't care.

I think you need to relax and not sweat these things. I do actually get the sense from your posts that you feel in some kind of competition with your friends and somehow think you deserve to be "put higher" than your other friends. The reality is you don't. Kelly is allowed to have other friends and friendship isn't always measured in gifts, spending money and things like that. As they say, the best things in life are free.

Also I think you're being a bit overly sensitive. You said Kelly didn't take the baby blanket you gave her out of the bag. Well, the baby isn't born yet so she's not using the blanket yet. When she actually has the baby she might take it out. I think maybe you're expecting too much or some kind of above and beyond gratitude or special treatment. 

I guess I just felt that Kelly and I got really close in the last couple years. She's complained that Diane hasn't been a great friend and Diane ruined some of her wedding stuff. She even said she wished she had chosen me as maid of honor. Her husband likes me and says I'm her only normal, great friend. I guess we had grown closer. I slaved for her bridal shower to make it good. I spent tons. She knew this. 

I'm not as mad about her mother in law throwing a shower as much. That's the baby's grandmother. I guess I'm really insulted she would ask and include Diane, after Diane messed so much up for her wedding and I ran after trying to clean it up and making it better. Kelly knew this. And her other bridesmaids didn't help at all for it. They barely contributed or helped. 

I guess I thought I'd at least have a bigger part of this. I plan great parties and I feel like she doesn't trust me. 

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13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I guess I just felt that Kelly and I got really close in the last couple years. She's complained that Diane hasn't been a great friend and Diane ruined some of her wedding stuff. She even said she wished she had chosen me as maid of honor. Her husband likes me and says I'm her only normal, great friend. I guess we had grown closer. I slaved for her bridal shower to make it good. I spent tons. She knew this. 

I'm not as mad about her mother in law throwing a shower as much. That's the baby's grandmother. I guess I'm really insulted she would ask and include Diane, after Diane messed so much up for her wedding and I ran after trying to clean it up and making it better. Kelly knew this. And her other bridesmaids didn't help at all for it. They barely contributed or helped. 

I guess I thought I'd at least have a bigger part of this. I plan great parties and I feel like she doesn't trust me. 

I agree with Tinydance.  You're expecting too much and giving beyond what you are actually comfortable with given what you expect in return -loyalty, etc.  Also if she gossips about Diane to you and you listened and participated in some way there's also a trust issue in that regard.  Perhaps Diane knows now and that's created some friction or some dynamic that is feeding into this situation.  

You're probably a great party planner.  I wouldn't do it anymore other than for pay or volunteer work for outsiders -like as part of volunteer work you do.  You getting this triggered and having this level of expectations and assumptions about how other people should act and react isn't worth the benefits of the fun you have doing it IMO.

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There's this saying -concept -that I think applies here.  The highest form of giving to another is when it is done anonymously -like the care package left on a doorstep for a family in need with no name/no note.  Whether you know it or not others likely feel the weight of your expectations when you "help".  

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OP you should back off, you are way too involved and take thing too personally and are over the top trying to be in the middle of everything.  You'll feel much better if you calm down and just either be a polite guest or stay home and send the gift.

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I also think that you need to think of people as being individuals and having their own feelings and opinions. Just because Kelly's husband likes you and thinks you're great (and no doubt you are!) doesn't mean that you're better than Diane or any other friend and you need to be treated as more special. Kelly is your friend and friendship is a choice so she obviously does like you. That doesn't mean she's not also allowed to like Diane or any other friends, despite that they have flaws or made mistakes. Everyone has flaws.

I love getting gifts or people doing nice things for me, of course I do. But if those nice things came with high expectations that I need to do something for that person in return or put them on a pedestal, it would quickly get tiring. It's great when someone is doing something nice but also being humble about it. I remember my best friend when she was younger used to do volunteer work but she made sure she boasted about it all the time because she wanted everyone to praise her. The gesture is lovely but she always wanted attention for it and that's not attractive.

Having expectations that are too high means you'll always be disappointed. I think that's why you're very often disappointed in your friends. 

Also it's not a competition and it's not really necessary to be considered better than anyone else, just as long as you know that person values you and cares about you in general.

For example, one of my best friends also has another best friend. That girl has Borderline Personality Disorder and my friend did tell me that she sometimes acts insecure and accusational or goes hot and cold on her. Yet recently they went on a weekend trip together to the countryside. I'm not questioning why or thinking that she should be going away with me instead. Just because my friend had some tensions with that girl doesn't mean she's not allowed to still like her and do things with her.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I also think that you need to think of people as being individuals and having their own feelings and opinions. Just because Kelly's husband likes you and thinks you're great (and no doubt you are!) doesn't mean that you're better than Diane or any other friend and you need to be treated as more special. Kelly is your friend and friendship is a choice so she obviously does like you. That doesn't mean she's not also allowed to like Diane or any other friends, despite that they have flaws or made mistakes. Everyone has flaws.

I love getting gifts or people doing nice things for me, of course I do. But if those nice things came with high expectations that I need to do something for that person in return or put them on a pedestal, it would quickly get tiring. It's great when someone is doing something nice but also being humble about it. I remember my best friend when she was younger used to do volunteer work but she made sure she boasted about it all the time because she wanted everyone to praise her. The gesture is lovely but she always wanted attention for it and that's not attractive.

Having expectations that are too high means you'll always be disappointed. I think that's why you're very often disappointed in your friends. 

Also it's not a competition and it's not really necessary to be considered better than anyone else, just as long as you know that person values you and cares about you in general.

For example, one of my best friends also has another best friend. That girl has Borderline Personality Disorder and my friend did tell me that she sometimes acts insecure and accusational or goes hot and cold on her. Yet recently they went on a weekend trip together to the countryside. I'm not questioning why or thinking that she should be going away with me instead. Just because my friend had some tensions with that girl doesn't mean she's not allowed to still like her and do things with her.

I do not think or want to be better than Diane. All Kelly did was complain to me that Diane was horrible at maid of honor duties and unreliable.  To turn and flip saying well Diane may want to throw the baby shower. It baffled me a bit. She literally told me she'd never trust Diane with anything like that again. So it shocked me. 

 

I am not competing with Diane. At the time, I felt Diane was the best choice as her maid of honor in her wedding. I wasn't mad or jealous at all. I was happy to help. 

I'm not competing. I'm not trying to. I'm more upset because I think Kelly is acting entitled, rude, and classless with this. 

1. Typically the expecting mother is offered by someone to throw the shower and the expecting mother has no say over food, decor, or venue, when someone is throwing it for you with their money. I've been to tons of showers. 

2. For someone who has no money, she wants all these lavish things. She expressed to me last night that she wants this fancy and expensive venue. She wants this pricey food.  And she wants to control it all, but wants people to " throw it "-  pay for it, I think. She should throw it for herself. But she knows she can't afford it. 

3. I think she doesn't have the guts to tell me she doesn't want me throwing it, which is rude. She let's me send her color ideas and party inspiration pictures. I feel like an idiot. And she acts fake dumb. Last night she said "Oh I don't know how these shower things work haha" and then when I told her the gist and sent her some fun party ideas she goes "Oh I don't know what I like"

I don't believe her. She's acting secretive and fake dumb, because she doesn't want me planning it. She's been to lots of showers. Kelly knows how it works. 

4. I think she's on the hunt for whomever can put out the most money on this for her, so that's why she's putting me down the list, which I find is extremely rude. 

I'm not upset that I'm not throwing this for her-  I swear I am not. I'm more upset that she's shopping around pretty much like who can I get to throw me the best, most expensive shower of my dreams. I find that really distasteful. If a friend,my mother, whomever offered to throw me a shower, I'd gladly let them, wouldn't control it, and would be so grateful someone cares to even help that day. She won't even confirm she wants me to help. Again, she's dodging me and shopping for the best deal for her. 

I first offered to throw the whole thing. She held me off, acted strange. I figured I'll back up a bit. Then I nicely offered to just help, bring food or decorate, she couldn't even confirm that. It's clear you don't want me involved. I felt like we were close as friends, but I guess not. You are only close if you pay for her expensive party.

 Her response "well my mother in law might want to throw it, I have to ask her, or Diane might want to throw it, I have to ask her, or my other bridesmaids, I dont want to leave them out of planning my baby shower."

Her bridesmaids aren't offering to throw her a shower, or offering to help. 

Again, who goes and says "hey throw me a baby shower, I want this, this, and this"

Thats why I'm mad. She isn't honest, upfront, and she's acting very entitled and rude I find. 

 

Edited by Alex39
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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

If a friend,my mother, whomever offered to throw me a shower, I'd gladly let them, wouldn't control it, and would be so grateful someone cares to even help that day. She won't even confirm she wants me to help. Again, she's dodging me and shopping for the best deal for her. 

Yes- so you do you.  When it's your time - but you can't expect everyone to be you or do things the way you would.  You already know Kelly gossips about Diane and threw her under the bus basically so watch your back.

Perhaps her bridesmaids have other plans to help in more productive ways than planning a party - you have no idea - I absolutely wouldn't offer to help plan a shower even if I'd been a bridesmaid or was related or a close friend.  But I would offer to come over and scrub her kitchen floor or bathroom floor or send a gift card to her favorite take out place, or make phone calls on her behalf if she needed to set up baby-related things, etc.  So you would see me as "not offering to help" and yet you'd have no idea what other help I was given.  For example.

I think you should stop interacting with her when she gossips because then you're participating in it.  Before this becomes a real train wreck where you end up venting to her or Diane about Kelly's various etiquette gaffes I'd bow out now.

Edited by Batya33
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I plan on taking a big step back here. I really thought Kelly and I got very close. Thats why this hurts me.

But I should have known better. When I get close to a friend, I see that as loyalty, special, and I cherish that. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that person. I see now that I've given too much. I seek acceptance by giving and giving. 

I throw dinners, slave away cooking for ladies brunch, spend lots of money having Kelly, and others over, and it's not seen as anything special, it's not appreciated.  

Kelly has never cooked me dinner, had me over, hosted a party, or spent any money on me. 

I'm going to stop giving more than I have. No more. I know what will happen sadly, I won't see the girls much. But that says more about them then it does me. 

Kelly and I started texting daily and we shared a lot about our feelings. I thought that meant our friendship was a strong and a deep one. I really value that. When I share my thoughts with someone, it means something to me. I don't just share with anyone. 

I should have known better with Kelly. To me, we were getting close, for her, I was just the same as her other friends. 

Kelly wasn't treated great by Diane around her wedding time. She said she was going to give Diane a piece of her mind. Did she? No. I've known Kelly for 10 years. She let's friends treat her second rate, walk all over her, and she doesn't say or do a thing about it. So I could give Kelly gold and I don't think I'd be any better than Diane. 

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I hope you don't take this harshly, but I think you focus way too much on 'what so and so did and what I did, what I think and what I feel because I did x and y and I would never do x and y like so and so, so I'm not sure why so and so doesn't act a way I would act...."

I get it, you ladies have a lot of history but you need to let it go and stop expecting. Like someone said, it's making you resentful, and you come across like you're entitled to be more well-like than the other gals. Truth is, all your 'friends' aren't friends and not only that, now one of them is just looking for someone to bankroll her baby-shower. Real lame.

The minute you decide that these gals arent your friends, you're going to feel better and you will stop expecting them to act like real friends.

Start looking into making new friends and exploring new interests.

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Instead of interpreting this as her not trusting you to do it, I'd view her with respect for honoring her relationships with her inlaws and friend.

She's afraid to step on their toes by just turning it over to you. She wants the time to consult with them to learn where they stand.

You can personalize that if you want, and you can hurt yourself--and your friendship--with it. I'd rather view her through a mature lens that can appreciate her inexperience, and I'd want for her the best of what she figures out.

If she learns that her MIL or maid of honor want to do something for her, I'd give them my phone number and welcome them to message me with an assignment if they'd like to.

Meanwhile, I'd get her a great gift for baby that makes ME happy to give, and I'd show up and enjOY whatever role I'm asked to play or whatever errands I'm asked to run. Boom! Done. From there, I'd just enjOY the occasion.

I'd avoid bringing baggage into this event. I'm not her manager, I'm her friend.

 

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I hope you do step back, it'll be better for you mentally and emotionally if you do.  You sound like you are trying to buy friendships by doing all sorts of things for people who dont really seem to care.  Time to stop that.

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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I throw dinners, slave away cooking for ladies brunch, spend lots of money

And why are you doing all of this?

Being a martyr or spending a lot of money isn't the way to maintain friendships, or even identify who is a true friend. 

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

She let's friends treat her second rate, walk all over her, and she doesn't say or do a thing about it.

So do you, according to these threads. I am not sure you even see that. 

It's time to re-evaluate these "friends" of yours, and how you approach friendshships. My sense is that they perhaps find you and your efforts over-bearing at times, as though you are trying to one-up everyone else. 

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1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

I hope you do step back, it'll be better for you mentally and emotionally if you do.  You sound like you are trying to buy friendships by doing all sorts of things for people who dont really seem to care.  Time to stop that.

I think that in this situation it doesn't necessarily mean that Kelly doesn't care. She actually didn't ask OP to throw the baby shower, OP offered. If Kelly had asked and then rejected her afterwards then yes that's rude. However she didn't ask and the OP can offer but that doesn't mean that Kelly HAS to accept her to do it. I agree though that Kelly has to to be honest and let her know that she doesn't want her to throw the baby shower. 

Yes maybe Kelly's agenda to have more money to spent on her baby shower but as the actual person being celebrated, if she wants that then that's her choice. Also OP is very clearly acting irritated that Kelly wants to "control" this baby shower. Maybe the mother-in-law has a different approach and is fine with Kelly choosing things. People might have reasons why they want to do something and the reasons aren't always malicious or trying to hurt anyone else.

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Posted (edited)

I think this article is quite good.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-be-a-good-friend

I don't actually see anything there about buying gifts, throwing dinners or events.

Friendship does require reciprocation but I think this is referring to non materialistic things. Of course it's fine if someone wants to spend more money on a friend or give gifts but that needs to come with no expectations. Not everyone values materialistic things, has money or likes giving gifts. Just because one friend gives gifts or spends more money on their friend doesn't actually make them better than other friends. Spending money doesn't equal care.

For example, when I had COVID, I had three friends who either made me or sent me a care package they bought online. Whereas all my other friends simply contacted me and sent well wishes and said they were thinking of me. Just because those other friends wanted to send a gift pack doesn't mean I owe them something more special than the other friends. Of course I acted very grateful at the time but that's all required of me to do.

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19 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am not sure why you feel the need to prove your value to your own friends, but you might want to step back and ask yourself why you are trying so hard to be the best with the people you call your friends. 

I think this is a good question to ponder about.

For example I dont think you are a materialist. However, I do think that you are a "people-pleaser"

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412

Which in turn caused your friends to maybe take you for granted and you for being resentful that they dont appreciate your efforts

Quote

 

Weaker Relationships

If you are putting all of your efforts into making sure that you meet other people's expectations, you may find yourself feeling resentful. While people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted.

People may not even realize they are taking advantage of you. All they know is that you are always willing to lend a hand, so they have no doubt that you’ll show up whenever you're needed. What they may not see is how thin you are stretched and how overcommitted you might be.

 

I suggest that you do read the article. It has a nice steps how to prevent it. For example before you offered or were asked for help, you  could do this

Quote

 

Before you make a decision, ask yourself:

How much time will this take?

Is this something I really want to do?

Do I have time to do it?

How stressed am I going to be if I say "yes?"

 

It would avoid this whole situation that you put yourself through.

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15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do not think or want to be better than Diane. All Kelly did was complain to me that Diane was horrible at maid of honor duties and unreliable.  To turn and flip saying well Diane may want to throw the baby shower. It baffled me a bit. She literally told me she'd never trust Diane with anything like that again. So it shocked me. 

 

I am not competing with Diane. At the time, I felt Diane was the best choice as her maid of honor in her wedding. I wasn't mad or jealous at all. I was happy to help. 

I'm not competing. I'm not trying to. I'm more upset because I think Kelly is acting entitled, rude, and classless with this. 

1. Typically the expecting mother is offered by someone to throw the shower and the expecting mother has no say over food, decor, or venue, when someone is throwing it for you with their money. I've been to tons of showers. 

2. For someone who has no money, she wants all these lavish things. She expressed to me last night that she wants this fancy and expensive venue. She wants this pricey food.  And she wants to control it all, but wants people to " throw it "-  pay for it, I think. She should throw it for herself. But she knows she can't afford it. 

3. I think she doesn't have the guts to tell me she doesn't want me throwing it, which is rude. She let's me send her color ideas and party inspiration pictures. I feel like an idiot. And she acts fake dumb. Last night she said "Oh I don't know how these shower things work haha" and then when I told her the gist and sent her some fun party ideas she goes "Oh I don't know what I like"

I don't believe her. She's acting secretive and fake dumb, because she doesn't want me planning it. She's been to lots of showers. Kelly knows how it works. 

4. I think she's on the hunt for whomever can put out the most money on this for her, so that's why she's putting me down the list, which I find is extremely rude. 

I'm not upset that I'm not throwing this for her-  I swear I am not. I'm more upset that she's shopping around pretty much like who can I get to throw me the best, most expensive shower of my dreams. I find that really distasteful. If a friend,my mother, whomever offered to throw me a shower, I'd gladly let them, wouldn't control it, and would be so grateful someone cares to even help that day. She won't even confirm she wants me to help. Again, she's dodging me and shopping for the best deal for her. 

I first offered to throw the whole thing. She held me off, acted strange. I figured I'll back up a bit. Then I nicely offered to just help, bring food or decorate, she couldn't even confirm that. It's clear you don't want me involved. I felt like we were close as friends, but I guess not. You are only close if you pay for her expensive party.

 Her response "well my mother in law might want to throw it, I have to ask her, or Diane might want to throw it, I have to ask her, or my other bridesmaids, I dont want to leave them out of planning my baby shower."

Her bridesmaids aren't offering to throw her a shower, or offering to help. 

Again, who goes and says "hey throw me a baby shower, I want this, this, and this"

Thats why I'm mad. She isn't honest, upfront, and she's acting very entitled and rude I find. 

 

OK but to be fair if those women like Diane and bridesmaids are her close/best friends then I don't see why it's so shocking that she might want them to help plan the baby shower too. Yes, you offered but they are also her friends just like you. I have a best friend of 12 years and she's my bestest bestie lol Personally I would be kind of offended if she told me: "Oh, such and such friend offered to throw me  a baby shower/hens/whatever. So she'll be doing it all by herself." I'd be thinking, well I'd love to be part of it too, why is it only one person doing it? I think you have tunnel vision and you're very stuck in your own very firm beliefs and opinions about how everything should be. And no offence but those beliefs and opinions are actually all about yourself. It's not all about you.

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