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Push-pull emotional yoyo, need help


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Question: (1) Is it me being sensitive? Is it fact, he posted  "we will be fine/ok" to call for my attention coz i went NC started yestrerday. he is not the guy to post sappy quote or happy quote he likes posting food and car photos. 

(2) Do you think he was calling for my attention?

(3) What should i do...trust me such drama causing me lotsa anxiety, i miss him i want him but i don't like cold treatment. i realize now it's not about whether we should part ways or be together. All I want is go back to how he used to treat me, i want to be with the version of him before mother's day.

(4) i have issue of letting go (5) why did he suddenly treats me cold starting on mother's day? he was the one coming too strong at me to begin with

Hello members, I am very sad, depress (I am battling with depression and anxiety prior to meeting this BF). This is not dating but is an exclusive bfgf (at least that was what we agreed to / what he told me). The chasing period was 1 month, next month we became bfgf. we live far from each other but we have met in person for dates 2x a week, on average. Most of our "dating" communications are texting-based. He was very warm and fuzzy towards me, interacted with me from morning when he woke up till nite when he went to bed. seven days a week. Also kept typing he misses me throughout the day, sometimes asked me did i miss him. Often time will pressure me to say i miss him. my initial feelings towards him was not so intense but slowly growing

Anyway 1.5 weeks into the bfgf phase i realized i should not continue coz he is a manipulative and hot temper guy, selfish too. I met up with him, after dinner and intimacy i verbally told him we should back to be just friends. He calmly told me to think again for another 24 hrs and tell him the next day whether i still proceed with parting ways. he drove me home and acted nothing happened and kissed me when dropping me off and later texted me he misses me, loves me, goodnight baby etc.

The next day evening I called him up, told him my decision to breakup and with the reasons why i decided to do so. I won't type the reasons here but he was angry at me on those breakup reasons I told him and ended up the breakup talk turned into a quarrel, he raised his voice on me, scolded me, won't give me time to say anhything on that call. Eventually he hungup on me. At that moment i would just assume we hv broken up. Sigh, next day came (friday) i missed him so much, felt scared to lose him, i called him. I was worried he may not pickup but very surrprised he did, quite fast too. his voice sounded we were still together but he still sounded angry regarding the reasons used for breaking up. anyway the phone call turned into sort of reconcilation and he actually said to me he still regarded me as his GF, and what happened the night before was a large quarrel. OK i was very happy i had him back, I wanted to have him and make things work. things resumed normal as in warm fuzzy lovely, constant interaction, cares. Even came saturday also the same, warm fuzzy. then on mother's day sunday he turned 180 like a different guy. ignoring my text. no contact me for more than 8 hrs that sunday (never happened before). i could see he just a different person, it was not me being sensitive

i started panicking and turned into clingy needy. Ever since that sunday our interaction reduced to 1-3 lines of text per day, no more endearments and did not sound like we are bfgf, more like regular friends chatting. we had another huge quarrel the day after mother's day regarding what happened on mother's day. I became very sad, my anxiety kicks in, i got sick, i became the chaser and he now as the withdrawal. once again i decided to leave the relationship so i went silence after that monday. he would text me but i started NC. on the 3rd day of me being silent he texted me again saying the gift he bought for me online BEFORE THE FIGHT arrived and asked me when to meet to pass on to me as he knows im going overseas for busines trip soon. I broke my silence and asked for a phone call.

On the call we both sounded fatigue of the drama,  I turned into clingy needy. I began asking frequently do you miss me then he scolded me saying it's annoying i kept asking him he says i cannot force him to say. I asked what happened he suddenly from hot turned cold to me. he didnt really reply.

anyway, we decided to meet for a farewell dinner on May 20th and he would pass the gift to me at dinner before I flew off to overseas. At dinner I tried again to find out why he turned cold suddenly but he kept dodging and said he does not want another quarrel at dinner. after dinner i asked again...he said he knew he was very warm and fuzzy at the beginning and even went overboard and now he wanted to backoff a bit. At the moment i felt defeated, very sad, broken and made decison again to leave this guy by going NC but i did not inform him my breakup decision, and i plan to use my oversea trip to heal. 

Im now still in overseas, 2nd week already

the first week he turned sort of warmer by reaching out and shockingly say he misses me, he loves me, asked what i was doing (but interaction was still not back to the hot level when we first together coz he would again went silent everyday after his office hour until next day he resumes texting).

My emotion has been on a yoyo, very fatigue and distressed. I try to leave this man while on this biz trip overseas thinking it would be easier for me to execute, but whenever he reaches out i become weak and i reply his text. Came May 28th he went for a road trip and he turned very cold again towards me, ignored my question "how was ur trip so far", no texting back but instead sent me some photos of his road trip. That was when I forced myself to go nc for real (i know i have told you a few times) he later texted me on may30th he was back home from his road trip already, i continued NC. On may 31st he texted me how have i been and why so quiet. I continued nc, i didnt reply. June 1 we both no interaction and i thought yayyyy im on the road to successfully exiting this toxic phase without feeling too heartbroken. came June 2nd he texted me his mom in ER, he sent me photo of his mom. I broke NC that moment.

However my sentences were revolving his mom and no endearment no i miss u etc, and shockingly he said "thank you baby". ever since his mom's incident he continued to text me updates about his mom. I replied every single one.

However I feel he playing games on my mind. when i went nc he will be more keen to interact more and nicely. when I became vulnerable and opened up again, cared for him again he would go silence on me. push pull push pull. my brain is fried, constantly thinking of him, wanting to breakup, but cannot let go, miss him, hate him, miss him, want him

I forced myself to resume my NC yesterday june 3rd.

today june 4th i saw him posted a phrase on the chat platform "we will be fine/ok" as his status update. (BTW i have blocked him from my fb so he has not been seeing my updates for 4 weeks already). I saw his  "we will be fine/ok" update i once again broke nc i reached out to get status of his mom and himself coz he complained to me 2 days ago he was having high fever too. His mom's condition not looking too good but good news is his fever subsided.

Question: (1) Is it me being sensitive? Is it fact, he posted  "we will be fine/ok" to call for my attention coz i went NC started yestrerday. he is not the guy to post sappy quote or happy quote he likes posting food and car photos. 

(2) Do you think he was calling for my attention?

(3) What should i do...trust me such drama causing me lotsa anxiety, i miss him i want him but i don't like cold treatment. i realize now it's not about whether we should part ways or be together. All I want is go back to how he used to treat me, i want to be with the version of him before mother's day.

(4) i have issue of letting go

(5) why did he suddenly treats me cold starting on mother's day? he was the one coming too strong at me to begin with

 

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9 minutes ago, So-Broken said:

Anyway 1.5 weeks into the bfgf phase i realized i should not continue coz he is a manipulative and hot temper guy, selfish too

Why on earth do you want someone like this?

You need to raise your standards and forget this guy. Way too much drama, and it's essentially already over. He is not going to stick around. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why on earth do you want someone like this?

You need to raise your standards and forget this guy. Way too much drama, and it's essentially already over. He is not going to stick around. 

I have hard time letting go...maybe I am attached to him and still longing for the sweet times he gave me up until mother's day...i have depression myself...guess thats why my decision making does not function well...what shall I do? i miss him, really

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Seek medical attention from your doctor regarding depression and anxiety, OP. You may need treatment in the form of medications to help, not something therapy or counselling alone can help with. 

You are the one participating in the push and pull with someone whom you think is manipulative or has a temper. 

Leave him alone and start seeing the right support. This man is not your support system.

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I think you both have "yo-yo" attitude. When he was warm and fuzzy, you broke up with him. When he was not, you asked for validation by him and turned into needy one. That is not good behavior for a relationships. And in that kind of dysfunctionality, its no wonder you found somebody who is also like that. Pick up a decision and stick to it next time.

That all probably goes from your psychic state. You are seeing councelling about that, so examine that with them and see if you can fix that kind of behavior for the future.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, So-Broken said:

 still longing for the sweet times he gave me up until mother's day...i have depression myself...

Get to a physician MD for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Get some tests done. Whatever country you are in has doctors so that's no excuse.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Until you get medical help,no one can help you feel better.

Stop playing games with this guy. You're wasting your time on someone who doesn't seem to care. Stop chasing uninterested men.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Guys like him seek out depressed, emotionally vulnerable woman like yourself. He love bombed you to manipulate you. They know the game of push /pull. Stonewalling is a very powerful tool of manipulation. It holds you hostage emotionally with anxiety/confusion to weaken you.

Your first mistake, getting into a relationship when depressed. Second mistake, not avoiding someone that comes on too strong. Third mistake, offering to be friends with someone that was abusive/manipulative/jerk, selfish, etc. You need to cut off all contact permanently...you don't keep someone like that around in hopes they will change why? because they don't, they just showed you their true colours.

Work on your depression and I guarantee you most of your issues/poor decision making will go away.

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You were love-bombed, and that tricked you into attaching despite your better judgment.

Now you can choose to recall and trust that better judgment, and you can rely on it to move you beyond your attachment.

This doesn't mean that it will be comfortable or easy, but you own your decisions along with your reasons for those--along with the consequences of them.

If you want to talk yourself back into involvement with the guy, you'll find reasons to do that.

Head high, and I hope you'll build confidence in your better judgement instead.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/4/2022 at 9:43 AM, catfeeder said:

You were love-bombed, and that tricked you into attaching despite your better judgment.

Now you can choose to recall and trust that better judgment, and you can rely on it to move you beyond your attachment.

This doesn't mean that it will be comfortable or easy, but you own your decisions along with your reasons for those--along with the consequences of them.

If you want to talk yourself back into involvement with the guy, you'll find reasons to do that.

Head high, and I hope you'll build confidence in your better judgement instead.

 

i like the foootnote quote...i try to manifest it

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As Smackie9 said extremely well, you will never find anyone decent until your treatment for your anxiety and depression is working well.

Shove the need for a man to the side for a good long time. It'll probably take a good year or two to get into a good headspace with the proper treatment. Sometimes the first medication and first psychiatrist doesn't work well with your needs, so sometimes there is tweaking needed, and that takes time.

You give excuses to your behavior, but you are not a puppet with someone else pulling the strings. You're in charge of your actions, so you can start a better path this second to move yourself to a better place in life.

Your idea of NC is nonsense. You're still involving yourself in his life and seeking out what he's saying and doing. 

Drop off the computer for a while so you're not tempted. How about doing volunteer work to get your mind off of your problems by helping someone else. Your life needs a major shakeup for the better. You can do this.

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