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I Dumped Them a Year Ago. Last Week They Sent Me a Letter.


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Summer of 2020 I went on a date with someone who lived several hours away. By the end of the date I knew I didn't want a relationship, but when they asked then-and-there to schedule the next one I chickened out and planned a second date. By March of 2021 our relationship had dissolved. In summer of 2021 I broke off what was left. Last week (2022 -- a year after I broke up with them) they sent me a letter that basically asks for an explanation. Three pages, hand-written in cursive.

In the letter my ex points out that the closeness I did not show to them, I did show to other friends. They were and are hurt that I didn't show that closeness to them.

My guess is this letter is less about closure (closure is something one can only give one's self) and more about them going through a rough spot emotionally. I care for their wellbeing and I hope they have an ever-better life. They deserve great things and great peace. I know that the letter is more about my ex not feeling loved by people in their life right now, and I feel strongly for them in that regard. 

Since if I were to give an explanation (namely, that I don't share their feelings and that's why I broke it off) I would only hurt them and since I gave this exact explanation a year ago and they still want to know why (what it says on the tin), should I respond? Should I block them on social medias? What would I say in a response letter?

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Posted (edited)
54 minutes ago, letterwritee said:

a year after I broke up with them they sent me a letter that basically asks for an explanation. Three pages, hand-written in cursive.

I should I respond? Should I block them on social medias? What would I say in a response letter?

Do not respond. Yes block them on social media and messaging apps. The breakup itself is closure.

If this person is becoming unhinged or bitter it's better they contact their close friends and family.

It's manipulative to send these types of letters and attempt to place this burden on your shoulders.

Edited by Wiseman2
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47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If this person is becoming unhinged or bitter it's better they contact their close friends and family.

It's manipulative to send these types of letters and attempt to place this burden on your shoulders.

I've received attempts at manipulation before -- I think this a person in pain who doesn't have a lot good in their life right now and who wrote an ill-advised letter, but I don't think they're trying to manipulate me. 


When I last knew them, they didn't have supportive friends or family, so the fact that they're still in this much pain makes sense. But indeed I hope they find some people to be close to. 

Thanks kindly for your words. I'll be sure to protect myself regardless of my future actions regarding this person and their letter.

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- Lambert

Unprompted. We've had no contact, aside from my seeing their posts online (and I assume they've seen mine). My best guess is they're hurting a year later, and/or something in their life has been disrupted recently, and they thought writing their pain to me would provide comfort somehow. 

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Posted (edited)

Don't respond. 

This is the same thing all over again. You didn't want to date x and then dated x because x put you on the spot that first date. 

Now x wants an answer and is putting you on the spot out of nowhere and you're feeling put on the spot again. 

Learn from the past. Don't repeat the same mistakes.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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30 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This is the same thing all over again. You didn't want to date x and then dated x because x put you on the spot that first date. 

Now x wants an answer and is putting you on the spot out of nowhere and you're feeling put on the spot again. 

Ohohoooooo, this is a good thought. Thank you, Rose.

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2 hours ago, letterwritee said:

Unprompted. We've had no contact, aside from my seeing their posts online (and I assume they've seen mine). My best guess is they're hurting a year later, and/or something in their life has been disrupted recently, and they thought writing their pain to me would provide comfort somehow. 

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Yeah, I had an ex do this as well, once.  He saw I had liked things or commented on other ppl's things on FB, etc.

One day I got a msg from him asking me 'why'?  Why didn't I ever comment on his posts or say anything.. Honestly, was because I had distanced myself from him -as I knew there was nothing between us. And darn, it did suck that it also damaged our past 'friendship' .. But what's done is done.

Anyways, I never answered him.  I chose to just leave all alone.  I didn't need to answer that.. Was just up to him to accept what was.

 

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- melancholy123 

and

6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

One day I got a msg from him asking me 'why'?  Why didn't I ever comment on his posts or say anything.. Honestly, was because I had distanced myself from him -as I knew there was nothing between us. 

Legit. Thanks for your thoughts

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On 6/1/2022 at 1:51 PM, letterwritee said:

I don't think they're trying to manipulate me. 

This is someone who managed to keep you dating when you were already ready to exit after the first date.  So whether you want to call it manipulation or not, this person excels at getting you to do what you don't want to do.

So don't write back. It's not going to heal anything, and you've already been far too involved with someone you didn't want to engage in the first place.

You can't offer any degree of comfort in this instance, so there is nothing good to come from engaging them further.

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