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Am I in the wrong and how to fix it?


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So, I've been with my GF for a bit less than 3 years now. I love her dearly and everything was perfect up untill the end of last year. Suddenly, she started going for drinks after work and would be comming home later and later. As it went on, she'd come home at between 3 and 7 AM even though we were on a lockdown and no place worked after 12. I was never invited to those outings. What bothered me was the she'd lie to me about when she came home. I was usually asleep and wouldnt look at the clock, but one day I got up to go to the bathroom at 6AM as she was just returning home and it made me look through security footage and finding out that she lied about the times before.

 

After awhile I couldnt take it any more (I was in a relationship before where I was cheated this way) and decided to tell my gf that things cant go that way any more. She promised change and met me with her friends. And things did change for some time. Then she decided she's going on a trip with her work friends. I just couldnt let myself relax over that but decided that its my problem and I didnt want to make a fuss over it (because I should trust her, we're in relationship after all).

Then saturday night she calls me at 12 and says her company is going to a club but she'll stay and sleep. I was out and as I came home I saw a story her friend posted from the club and my gf was there. It made me feel bad again as she lied to me once more (I dont mind her going to the club). I confronted her in the morning and we had a big fight where she kept saying how I dont trust her and am insecure.

 

Am I the problem here? Can I fix it somehow? I dont want to live forever this way...

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How old are you both?  

From what you've shared it seems she wants to live like a single person while being in a committed relationship.  Are you both young and she didn't get that partying out of her system prior?

I am all for having a life outside of a relationship, going out and doing things separately.  But within reason and doing it in a way that is respectful to your relationship.  If this makes you uncomfortable, then you need to listen to that.  The fact that she's willing to lie to you about it is not acceptable.

You either work on compromise that works for the both of you or you reassess your compatibility.  It appears that she's willing to risk losing you over it.

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You don't trust her and rightfully so. And instead of talking accountability for her actions, she turns the conversation on you and makes you feel like the bad guy ("you're insecure", what's your problem?).

Time to get yourself some self-respect and out of this. Lord knows what she's doing outside so that she has to lie to you about it. You've tried, and it's just not working.

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She's not acting in a trustworthy way. Or in a respectful way. Even if she is not cheating outright it doesn't matter.  It's just basic common sense stuff and not just in a romantic relationship.  I'd be out.

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32 minutes ago, Wolfshook said:

I confronted her in the morning and we had a big fight where she kept saying how I dont trust her and am insecure.

Deflection. Some would even say gaslightng. And it works.

33 minutes ago, Wolfshook said:

Am I the problem here? Can I fix it somehow? I dont want to live forever this way...

As you can see, you blame yourself. Because she lied to you. Doing God knows what and with who. 

We sometimes allow other side too much. Even if it makes us uncomfortable. Because we think its their freedom and that we shouldnt impose because of peace. She makes you uncomfortable and lies to you. As she is within her right to spend her time as she wants, you are within yours not to like somebody who parties all night doing God knows what and lies and gaslights to you afterward. 

No, you are not a problem here. There is no fix if she is like that. Let her live her party life without you(as you can see, she wont include you, another red flag), and you find somebody who would actually know boundaries and what is acceptable behavior for a long term relationship. 

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Posted (edited)

Any time I've known a couple where one person started staying out until all hours - the end (or a major revelation) was not far behind. 

Sometimes it can indicate cheating. Or maybe there is someone at these outings she's got her eye on. Or perhaps she's just plain losing interest in the relationship. Whatever the case, this really isn't the behaviour of someone who's all that invested anymore. If everything closed down by midnight when this first started happening, where exactly was she until dawn? 

You two need to stop fighting about the symptoms (the partying) and have a come-to-Jesus talk about the true state of your relationship and whether she sees a future. She's not acting as though your relationship and commitment to you is priority any longer. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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2 hours ago, Wolfshook said:

So, I've been with my GF for a bit less than 3 years now. I love her dearly and everything was perfect up until the end of last year. Suddenly, she started going for drinks after work and would be coming home later and later.

It's time to reflect on what happened that changed the relationship. There's not enough information here about whether you are the problem but it often takes two for a falling out. What she's doing is unkind to you and the gaslighting is unacceptable. She lied and then got angry and blamed it on you. 

Sometimes individuals treat others so badly because they can't do the breaking up themselves. They want the other person to break up with them. Without knowing more about your situation, there's not enough info to look into what's causing her to do these things. 

You only need to know that neither of you are working out.

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5 hours ago, Wolfshook said:

Am I the problem here? Can I fix it somehow? I dont want to live forever this way...

No, you're not the problem here.  By allowing her to treat you this way is the same as giving her permission to continue this charade without having to face any consequences.

My guess is the relationship has gone south, and can't be fixed.  Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together, therefore when it's gone, it's gone.

In short, if someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you without a doubt.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Anyone would be 'insecure,' as there's no security in being lied to by someone who stays out all night.

So the goal isn't to figure out who to blame, the goal is for YOU to decide what you want to do about this given that she's untrustworthy.

If my partner were to blame ME for having a problem with that, it would tell me that there's nothing left that I'd need to know.

 

Edited by catfeeder
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