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He gives me silent treatment and treat me like I'm an extra thing , please I need advice


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8 minutes ago, Isa said:

I had a conversation with him few days ago, the same and he said he doesn't want to break up and he wants to work on things and he is sorry and no more hanging out with his brother and coworkers until late at night, and 2 days later back to the same shi**, first just na hour or so and than start again, I went to bed last night at midnight and he was still at the balcony drinking with his brothers and didn't come in until like 2:30 or 3 am , and this morning at the breakfast table on the phone with his mother on speaker the entire time and we got into an argument, I told him you don't have any table manners, I just made nice breakfast just so you can be in the phone the entire time on speakers in languages I don't understand , and now he went out and left me alone in the house and is our day  off when we suppose to go out and do something but nothing , he first said his 2 brothers want to go to the park together if I want to go to but now he left alone after the argument , I told him you don't spend any quality time with me and he said he feels he is with me the entire time at home , what is not what I asked , he is with me when eating and sleeping or watching TV but no really quality time , no deep really conversation or do new experiences or anything and he told me if you want to go out and do your things alone you can, and I told him than why am I even dating you? I can do my own things alone but we use to go out together at least I once a week and now 3 months in this relation and look at it . I m just so frustrated ,I don't know if he doesn't know how relation works or what quality time or he just doesn't care or what the hell is wrong with him? He says he loves me and doesn't want to break up .

You’re seeing that he’s not going to change. Don’t let it be months and years that go by with the same things repeating themselves. Have the courage to end this and stop the charade. 

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10 minutes ago, Isa said:

I told him you don't have any table manners, I just made nice breakfast just so you can be in the phone the entire time on speakers in languages I don't understand , and now he went out and left me alone in the house 

He treats you like a an unpaid live in servant. As long as you live in his house, this will go on and on. Nagging like a mother about "table manners" will never work. He simply does whatever he wants because you tolerate it. Get up and leave it's that simple.

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I think you're showing your frustrations in unproductive ways - I wouldn't throw around things like "quality time" or ask for deep conversations - deep conversations are best when they happen naturally especially in the context of just joking around/having a lighthearted rapport and then it naturally goes deeper.

  "Quality time" is one of those throwaway phrases and very often is no substitute for just being happy or content being in the same room and doing your own thing, as a couple.  

Bottom line -you wouldn't have to nag him because you prepared breakfast, whine about quality time, or ask for "deep" conversations if this was a healthful relationship.  It's not.  You know this is so.

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Posted (edited)

Well I just went t out for like am hour by myself to get some staff I need and came back and again his 2 brothers and him setting outside my balcony drinking , I m just loosing it. I m being ignored again while he is playing basketball outside and drinking as of he is dating his brothers and coworkers and not me .

I just want to get the hell out of here buti m about to start a new job this week and I don't have money to just leave immediately in this expensive city .

Edited by Isa
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1 hour ago, Isa said:

I just want to get the hell out of here buti m about to start a new job this week and I don't have money to just leave immediately in this expensive city .

That's excellent. Focus on getting in the right mindset for work. In the meantime, can you exercise to blow off steam? Pilates/a jog/stretching, anything. It'll help lower your stress levels and elevate your mood.

He's shown you who he is as a man, and he's definitely not the right one for you. So hopefully as you leave, you can focus on finding a compatible partner who treats you right and makes you feel special.

You're almost out and it will get better. Kudos on finding the job and not settling for less than your worth! Tough lesson, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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1 hour ago, Isa said:

Well I just went t out for like am hour by myself to get some staff I need and came back and again his 2 brothers and him setting outside my balcony drinking , I m just loosing it. I m being ignored again while he is playing basketball outside and drinking as of he is dating his brothers and coworkers and not me .

I just want to get the hell out of here buti m about to start a new job this week and I don't have money to just leave immediately in this expensive city .

Plan and bide your time. Don’t leave in a huff and puff and then backtrack. Think through your options and start working towards a goal. If you want to stay in this city/country, start gathering the things you need to line up leaving. 

Maybe this relationship ending reminds you that you’ve failed or it’s hard to give up bickering and nagging him because it feels like you failed. The only loss, great loss, is in continuing to stay in the same holding pattern with no plan.

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Posted (edited)

Well I think that you and him are just really incompatible. He obviously loves drinking and partying and he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing at all. Maybe he's even an alcoholic and dependent on drinking. So he says all these things to you but he can't stop drinking. It's also obvious that he doesn't understand what "quality time" actually means.

Maybe he's actually a rude and inconsiderate person and because your relationship was long distance before, you didn't realise. The fact that he calls his Mum right in front of you at the breakfast table and just speaks in his own language is rude. My family speaks another language too but if we ever had anyone with us, we spoke English. Even my Dad who hardly spoke English at first when we moved to Australia pushed himself to speak it if we had other people with us. 

Now you see what kind of person he actually is and he just isn't the right guy for you. You two are very different.

Last year I was actually dating a guy for 2.5 months. He was 30 and had never dated at all so no experience. He probably wasn't a bad guy but we were so different and I realised we had basically nothing in common. I'm really outgoing and social and have lots of friends. I went out to all sorts of things and had a lot of different interests. This guy was a hermit. All his life all he did was work in IT and stay home and play video games. He had a couple of real life friends but most if his friends were actually online. He knew these online friends from a nearby city for 12 years or something like that but he had never even met them in person.

He kept saying to me I should play video games with him and watch Twitch. I knew he really liked it so I did it and I talked to his online friends. This guy didn't actually understand how a relationship works, probably because he'd never been in one. He introduced me to his real life best friend, online friends and his parents. But every time I asked him to go somewhere with MY friends or play online games with them, he said no. I asked him just to go for a walk with me sometimes and he always said no and that he was just going to stay home and play video games. 

I said to him, why does he want to be with me if he doesn't want to do anything together or be part of my life? And he basically said, well, what's the problem? If you want to go out alone or with your friends, you go, and I can just stay home and play video games with my friends. And I said, OK, but I could just be single and do all that? He really just didn't get it.

Then when I broke up with him, he was angry and said: "How could you do this to me, I'm a nice guy. I was really happy I found someone and you should just be happy you found someone." Um, no. The point is not just to find "someone" but to find a compatible person who matches you and makes you happy.

It seems like your guy just thinks it's enough he exists and he doesn't have to put in any effort into the relationship. He loves drinking and staying up late and he doesn't care that you don't like it. Basically he's self absorbed and just cares about himself. You can see now he's not a good person.

 

Edited by Tinydance
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2 hours ago, Isa said:

i m about to start a new job this week and I don't have money to just leave immediately in this expensive city .

Excellent. Now you can begin to plan your departure from this unfortunate situation. Can you move back to the town/area you lived before?

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Posted (edited)

Just mad empathy for the 18 months long distance they really seem like they’re a good match for you and then you get them face to face and the real version of them does some things which are pretty un conducive to a partnership (been there, have the heartbreak). Stonewalling is death to good communication and you’re getting a sense now of how much quality time he naturally values (waaaaaay less than you). Try making a list of your compatibilities and another of your incompatibilities. Make it based on his current behaviours.

 

Co sign focus all energy on finding a job. Also, even with the bad weather is there a local cafe or public library you could slip away to for some peace and quiet?

Edited by 1a1a
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Posted (edited)

Yes ,it hurts deep down,I feel like failure, I am 31 years old and still can't find someone that wants to be with me and love me for who I am, and sometime if not most of the times I feel like I m never going to find that person,I really had high hopes for this relation, week we win distance everything seemed perfect and working well .  but everyone here  is right, we are just not compatible . And I need to save money and leave asap . 

Since he told me I can go out and do what I want alone , I did exactly that, I went to the park and than got a small dinner out alone, when I came back home he wasn't  at home, he went out alone too ( his 2 brothers were outside the entire time) and his car is gone too, I don't know where did he go.  and I m not going to ask and he still didn't come back home yet  , I don't know if he went out with friends or other girls as at this point I don't trust him 100%anymore, I wouldn't be surprised if he use this as an excuse to always go out alone and stay late like today and meet other girls . feel depressed and kinda of sad too, I don't know where did I go wrong. 

Edited by Isa
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3 minutes ago, Isa said:

Yes ,it hurts deep down,I feel like failure, I am 31 years old and still can't find someone that wants to be with me and love me for who I am, and sometime if not most of the times I feel like I m never going to find that person,I really had high hopes for this relation, week we win distance everything seemed perfect and working well .  but everyone here  is right, we are just not compatible . And I need to save money and leave asap . 

Since he told me I can go out and do what I want alone , I did exactly that, I went to the park and than got a small dinner out alone, when I came back home he wasn't  at home, he went out alone too ( his 2 brothers were outside the entire time) and his car is gone too, I don't know where did he go.  and I m not going to ask and he still didn't come back home yet  , I don't know if he went out with friends or other girls as at this point I don't trust him 100%anymore, I feel depressed and kinda of sad too, I don't know where did I go wrong. 

You trusted the wrong type of man and moved in too quickly. In future you’ll be smarter and won’t make the same mistakes. 31 is very young in the big picture and don’t let your age hold you back from starting fresh. 

He keeps saying he loves you but it doesn’t look like love. 

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7 hours ago, Isa said:

 I don't know where did I go wrong. 

You moved far away to move in with a stranger you have nothing in common with. Not even language or culture. 

You can undo this horrible mistake by making enough money to move out and put it behind you.

Stop trying to fix and change him. You have zero understanding of what type of creep he is.

Move out. It's that simple. Stop trying to figure him out or train him to be what you hoped for.

Just curious why you left your home,job, friends and area for this guy?

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8 hours ago, Isa said:

Yes ,it hurts deep down,I feel like failure, I am 31 years old and still can't find someone that wants to be with me and love me for who I am, and sometime if not most of the times I feel like I m never going to find that person,I really had high hopes for this relation, week we win distance everything seemed perfect and working well .  but everyone here  is right, we are just not compatible . And I need to save money and leave asap . 

Since he told me I can go out and do what I want alone , I did exactly that, I went to the park and than got a small dinner out alone, when I came back home he wasn't  at home, he went out alone too ( his 2 brothers were outside the entire time) and his car is gone too, I don't know where did he go.  and I m not going to ask and he still didn't come back home yet  , I don't know if he went out with friends or other girls as at this point I don't trust him 100%anymore, I wouldn't be surprised if he use this as an excuse to always go out alone and stay late like today and meet other girls . feel depressed and kinda of sad too, I don't know where did I go wrong. 

I started dating my future husband at age 39.  Ask yourself why in this unusual and risky situation you had "high hopes" - that will give you a clue as to why your approach isn't raising your chances of finding someone compatible.

There are ZERO guarantees of finding the right match for you for a long term relationship and there is also a zero chance of finding the right person by chasing people who aren't right for you or when you're not the right person to find the right person.  You made wrong choices with this person.  Now you have the opportunity next time not to repeat those wrong choices.  There are no guarantees and at the same time you can make choices that increase the odds.  I did.

Part of the way you do that is by becoming a person who has a fun, fulfilling, busy life, who is financially stable so you don't feel vulnerable to depending on a man who is not your husband for any sort of financial support (yes, you can with a husband because it is a marriage and because often the spouse who makes less contributes in other ways to running the household etc). 

When you approach potential matches in that way you approach from a position of confidence, from reasonable pickiness/selectiveness and the men who are not up to the effort of treating a person who respects herself -it will be evident in your posture, your presence, your way of speaking - will avoid getting involved or you will screen them out ASAP.

You watch the feet not the lips -what the person does not what he says.  But all this will be almost second nature -even if you feel over the moon about someone - if you become the right person to find the right person.  

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We just got into the biggest argument as soon as we wake up literally, he lend me a tablet few weeks ago I needed it to do some work things on it and he said don't buy new one just use this one, he got it free when he got his new iphone and it was just setting there.

I been using it and it and my Gmail and all my infos and password and bank account on it, as soon as we wake up he said his brother need is immediately, right now and I need to give it back this moment , I told him I can't I have all my things on it and my infos as he said he never give it to me, and things got worst from there and I brought up his night out last night until 2am, and out of anger I told him to don't use my things either and that what his adult brother needs isn't my problem, and how much of hypocrite liar untrustworthy he is.

Omg I just need to leave asap and I don't know how to do it without money, I text the manager asking when I can start working , but it will take time before even I get the first check and that's just training check and it only pays minimum wage for the 10days of training, I m getting anxiety with all this .the cheapest studio around town start at 1300$/ month just for the rent , plus deposit and last month of rent and the moving fees .what should I do?.please advise me.

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Posted (edited)

How come you have no savings? How about staying in an Airbnb or hostel for a while? Can you friends or family lend you money?

Make sure you make calculated movements and not ones out of impulse. Stay at a café or library/park outside if you need to, and focus on you. Maybe even visit some historical sites/monuments/museums by yourself?

This too shall pass. It's not the end of the world and soon enough you'll be able to put this behind your back as a very very tough lesson. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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You are a US citizen, or so you say. Go to social services for help with food stamps, housing, Medicaid, etc. You depend on him Way Too Much. It sounds like you were broke to begin with and hoped he would take care of you, unfortunately he just doesn't care. And you are doing nothing to help yourself.

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Don't worry about the being 31 part. There are billions of people in this world and if you're a good person and have things going for you, there is a very good chance you'll meet someone else. I've always believed that there's someone out there for everyone. And the faster you get away from this guy, the faster you can meet someone else. 

Also even being alone is probably better than being with him. At least without him you can get some peace and quiet and not have some drunken idiots around you all the time who just ignore you.

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I went to donate plasma is extra money's nd I pick up shifts in temp apps and I talk to the manager again to speed up the hiring process so I can start working , and I m thinking I may have to get an extra part time job at nights to save faster.

I came back home and he was here, working on his laptop , he doesn't talk to me and I don't talk to him either, it so very uncomfortable to be here , the apt is so small and there is no where to go  I want to go out like I did yesterday but it raining hard outside and I can't . 

I'm not sure how do I suppose to live with him or how until I have enough to move out ? Last time I talked to him as he said he will work.on this relation , not even a week ago and now things are much worst and I don't think i wat any to talk to him again, and it s clear he doesn't want and he is not going to change so what the point? But how can I live with him.im this all apt and his 2 brothers next door until I have enough to move, I feel so uncomfortable even that I pay my parts of the bills .

 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Isa said:

I went to donate plasma is extra money's nd I pick up shifts in temp apps and I talk to the manager again to speed up the hiring process so I can start working , and I m thinking I may have to get an extra part time job at nights to save faster.

I came back home and he was here, working on his laptop , he doesn't talk to me and I don't talk to him either, it so very uncomfortable to be here , the apt is so small and there is no where to go  I want to go out like I did yesterday but it raining hard outside and I can't . 

I'm not sure how do I suppose to live with him or how until I have enough to move out ? Last time I talked to him as he said he will work.on this relation , not even a week ago and now things are much worst and I don't think i wat any to talk to him again, and it s clear he doesn't want and he is not going to change so what the point? But how can I live with him.im this all apt and his 2 brothers next door until I have enough to move, I feel so uncomfortable even that I pay my parts of the bills .

 

Are you working at the moment? Once you start working you'll be too occupied or tired if you have multiple jobs. Stay on track and be more patient with yourself. Get through this hurdle and start calculating and budgeting, figuring out your expenses once you move out.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Stop talking / thinking about him and the stuff that he does.  Your relationship is not functional and you need to just let him do his thing, as lame as that may be,  and MOVE OUT.  

Stop paying towards the bills and get a shared room off of Craigslist tomorrow.  

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17 hours ago, Isa said:

I went to donate plasma is extra money's

Is there a reason you stay there and pay bills rather than finding your own houseshare or room? Is there a reason you complain and complain but do not go to social services for help with food stamps, housing, job placement and instead do stuff like sell plasma? 

He is not going to change. You completely misunderstand his culture and him. You had a fantasy in your mind that you hoped would happen. Why are you not even reaching out to friends and family or going back to wherever you came from?

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17 hours ago, Isa said:

I went to donate plasma is extra money's nd I pick up shifts in temp apps and I talk to the manager again to speed up the hiring process so I can start working , and I m thinking I may have to get an extra part time job at nights to save faster.

I came back home and he was here, working on his laptop , he doesn't talk to me and I don't talk to him either, it so very uncomfortable to be here , the apt is so small and there is no where to go  I want to go out like I did yesterday but it raining hard outside and I can't . 

I'm not sure how do I suppose to live with him or how until I have enough to move out ? Last time I talked to him as he said he will work.on this relation , not even a week ago and now things are much worst and I don't think i wat any to talk to him again, and it s clear he doesn't want and he is not going to change so what the point? But how can I live with him.im this all apt and his 2 brothers next door until I have enough to move, I feel so uncomfortable even that I pay my parts of the bills .

 

Well maybe just try to think of it, this relationship is over and you are only there because you have nowhere else to go right now. I know it hurts but maybe try to "block out" what is happening by focusing all your attention on looking for a job and a new place to live. It might seem unfair that you have to pay the bills because of your boyfriend's behaviour but you actually live there so you owe half the bills. 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

there so you owe half the bills. 

Thats how I think of it , I don't want to pay but I owe half of this bills since I live here , and I m just letting him his thing and whatever he wants, I m focusing on the new job I m starting tomorrow and maybe looking for a part time second job to avoid been around him a lot and save money, I been drawing and coloring as a hobbies since it bad weather and I can't go out , I like this hobby and it makes me happy and less focused on this relation issue , but I am very aware is done and I really don't want it anymore , I m just like an extra piece of furniture in his house and I need a considerate caring boyfriend not this selfish guy, he told me last night he bought a the big new TV and it arrives today and to get it since I will be home, he didn't even say he ordered it , and now on top of the house been a bar nor also a sports bar because his brothers and coworkers will be coming to watch sports game here , that's why he got a bigger nicer TV without any consideration that the apt is very very small and I can't focus on reading or any other hobby or be comfortable with the TV so loud in a language I don't understand , but the more reason to get another job and get the hell out of here .

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