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He gives me silent treatment and treat me like I'm an extra thing , please I need advice


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Hello, I dated this guy for 1 year and half in long distance relationship and I moved with him about 3 months ago. While on distance things were great but since moving in together things keep crumbling faster than I thought. At start everytime we disagree he is gonna go silent and he will say just until we cool down and than talk normally. But now everytime  I say or do something he doesn't like  he will go silent and than at night or next day he will take to me like night happened and move on. But I hate that as I feel like he is treating me like I'm something he can use as he pleases. 3 days ago. He came home from work and he was in bad mood and I just said something and he freaked out and said he didn't want to talk to me and I told him I'm sorry but he keep saying he didn't want to talk to me so I told him okay , fuc* this. Let's not talk. After few hours at night he tried to talk to me and I told him to don't and try again the morning and I told him to leave me alone and not talk to me , yesterday I was raining and there was a big storm he called me to make sure I'm okay and to tell me to be safe but that's all. But wife ignoring me he will be taking and laughing with his friends and family just fine.

Now on top of all this his 2 brothers just moved to live next to us . Literally next door and every night he leaves me alone and go out with his 2 brothers until early morning. And last night left me alone and went out and didn't come back until 6 am home and when I wake up this morning the living room is full of empty beer cans and he came to bed drunk as fuc** , and still sleeping . I'm not sure where did he go and if he drink more alone after getting home . 

He says he loves me and he wants a future together and he introduce me to all his family and friends but seriously instead of trying to know each other more and do different activities together, he spends his time with his friends, coworker and brothers .we go out over a week and his brother mostly go out with us. 

I want to give him an ultimatum. As when we were on distance said he would like to hang out with his friend 1 par week and I said no problem. He said he had this issue with his EX , I give him his space and time with his guy friends or brothers ,  I don't bother him, I don't call him or tell him to start only couple hours. And he did this about 3 times a week ,  but now things just moved to another level. He leaves me asleep and go out. Or his brothers and friends and coworker come over and drink here as is it's a bar or some social hangout. I feel  got disrespected by the way he is acting and I want to tell him this is have to stop if he wants to go out over a week thats fine but that's all and this parties here at home have to stop or I'm done with this relation. Right now I'm not talking to home or cooking go for him or cleaning after him. If he wants silent treatment he will get it .  I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong or what to do   ?

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6 minutes ago, Isa said:

I dated this guy for 1 year and half in long distance relationship and I moved with him about 3 months ago. While on distance things were great but since moving in together things keep crumbling faster than I thought. Right now I'm not talking to home or cooking go for him or cleaning after him.

Sorry this is happening. How long was the distance? Are you from the same culture, country and language? Had you met before moving in?

Do you work or have your own money? A car? friends and family who can help you move home?

It sounds like he imported you as unpaid household help and free sex. Move out.

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You're not compatible and I'd watch his drinking. He sounds like a social drinker but doesn't have much else going for him. Does he have other hobbies? Does he work/employed? 

You didn't know who he really was until you moved to be with him and this is the result of not knowing someone well enough. 

I wouldn't stay if your lifestyles are too vast. Why do you think this guy adds to your life in any way? What else is he good for?

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I'm white from Europe and he is Hispanic from Columbia , we met few time each time for couple weeks and this were great at the time, we dated for 1 year and half well almost before moving together . 

I just lost my job . I got covid for the second time and the employer let me go without notice and I can't get unemployment since I worked less than 3 months . And I m looking for work currently .

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

wouldn't stay if your lifestyles are too vast. Why do you think this guy adds to your life in any way? What else is he good for?

He isn't good at nothing else, he has one more hobby and that all. And he works but it's just a restaurant job. I have better education and better general knowledge , the only thing I thought was good about his was the personality he showed me when I was visiting and the fact I believe he loved me and care for me . But now I'm not sure what to do. I don't have money to move just right now. But I feel like he is dating his brothers and coworkers and not me. He just wake up from been drunk as fuc* and again they are at the door hanging out . Omg . I'm loosing my mind and getting anxiety . I'm like non existent . No one is talking to me . And he is all laughing and giggling with his siblings outside the door . I'm just not sure what to do. 

Edited by Isa
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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, Isa said:

I'm white from Europe and he is Hispanic from Columbia , we met few time each time for couple weeks and this were great at the time, we dated for 1 year and half well almost before moving together . 

I just lost my job . I got covid for the second time and the employer let me go without notice and I can't get unemployment since I worked less than 3 months . And I m looking for work currently .

 

8 minutes ago, Isa said:

He isn't good at nothing else, he has one more hobby and that all. And he works but it's just a restaurant job. I have better education and better general knowledge , the only thing I thought was good about his was the personality he showed me when I was visiting and the fact I believe he loved me and care for me . But now I'm not sure what to do. I don't have money to move just right now. But I feel like he is dating his brothers and coworkers and not me. He just wake up from been drunk as fuc* and again they are at the door hanging out . Omg . I'm loosing my mind and getting anxiety . 

He's probably wanting to be around his family because there may be some cultural issue also and the both of you don't see eye to eye. People look for distractions and escapes when things aren't good at home. Don't nag or nitpick anymore. 

Focus more on time together and enjoy any time you have together. If he drinks in excess or seems emotionally checked out, move out and don't look back.

All the while focus on finding a job asap. Your key is always your own financial independence. If you have the education and the skills it might be worth asking for help with your resume, have someone else take a look at it. Look at employment agencies. Even though you may not find something there if you're overqualified, use them as practice for interviews. 

Don't stay bogged down or make ultimatums. It's too much a waste of time. Use your energy and resources in gaining more independence, relying less on him.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I m applying everywhere . I have some interviews coming but it takes some time to get hired . I work in clinical labs.

The thing is I m so anxious, I can't stand the way he is  acting . Like I'm not here and they are at my door giggling and laughing while he didn't even talk to me. I don't really want to talk to him either at this point. I'm not sure where was he last night until 7 am and is like he is dating them and not me and I can't just move out without money and it will take sometime to get enough money as this city is pretty expensive . And I feel I'm in hell everyday . I don't have friends here in this city  or family but he does. And not sure if should keep on ignoring him or talk to him but he gives me silent treatment because everytime he gets away with it. Ignore me and than come back later .

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Isa said:

I m applying everywhere . I have some interviews coming but it takes some time to get hired . I work in clinical labs.

The thing is I m so anxious, I can't stand the way he is  acting . Like I'm not here and they are at my door giggling and laughing while he didn't even talk to me. I don't really want to talk to him either at this point. I'm not sure where was he last night until 7 am and is like he is dating them and not me and I can't just move out without money and it will take sometime to get enough money as this city is pretty expensive . And I feel I'm in hell everyday . I don't have friends here in this city  or family but he does. And not sure if should keep on ignoring him or talk to him but he gives me silent treatment because everytime he gets away with it. Ignore me and than come back later .

If you don't mind me saying, I think you're spending too much time trying in the relationship while he's not trying enough. So stop. Don't keep responding to the impulse to tell him what to do, get upset or get angry. Use your energy getting back on your feet. 

If he wants to speak to you he knows where you are. Just keep working on yourself. 

Whether it works out between the two of you that's for you to decide but you have bigger things to worry about right now.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Posted (edited)

Your are very right I need to focus on getting work. But I feel like I'm a doormat , him and his family step on. I feel disrespected and like I m not existent . It just gets to me .I went out on the storm yesterday and almost crushed just to get away from him and today I'm stocked at home with him and his brothers next door as there is a storm and can't go out really .  that keeps coming here. No privacy and no nothing.

Edited by Isa
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7 minutes ago, Isa said:

Like I'm not here and they are at my door giggling and laughing while he didn't even talk to me. I don't really want to talk to him either at this point. I'm not sure where was he last night until 7 am and is like he is dating them and not me

You keep repeating this. However you can not change him and you moved in with a stranger, basically. You can get mad, but that won't help you. Contact your family and go home. He is not going to turn into price charming. Stop acting like a maid and having sex. It's that simple. Go home.

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15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Contact your family and go home. He is not going to turn into price charming. Stop acting like a maid and having sex. It's that simple. Go home.

I would love to go to my family but they are in east Europe, that requested money to go and I just registered for classes in this city to continue my education so I can't just leave. I need an advice about what to in the mean time while I'm still living in the same house with him.? And I stopped cooking or cleaning after him and I told him to don't get anywhere near me physically . Thank you 

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In the meantime, focus on getting a job and back on your feet. You're home and not working so seeing his habits is all the more annoying. 

Arguing is futile. Getting angry saps your energy. Please be smart about using your energy to keep applying for jobs and don't spend that energy getting mad. 

Respectfully you made a mistake moving in with him but that can be reversed. Move out when you're ready. Don't waste your energy trying to change him. He's not even listening to you.

 

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Just stop talking to him. It will lead nowhere. I think both of your are realising you are not right for reach other.

So save the energy you have for other activities: interviews, sending job applications, going on walks, listening to podcasts, talking to friends and family, ect.

I'm sorry it's like this, but now you learn why you shouldn't put yourself in such a vulnerable position and move in so quickly with anyone.

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2 hours ago, Isa said:

I want to give him an ultimatum. As when we were on distance said he would like to hang out with his friend 1 par week and I said no problem. He said he had this issue with his EX , I give him his space and time with his guy friends or brothers ,  I don't bother him, I don't call him or tell him to start only couple hours. And he did this about 3 times a week ,  but now things just moved to another level. He leaves me asleep and go out.

See, the same thing happened with his ex.  Says a lot!

He's got an attitude and doesn't seem to want to settle down and be a part of anything with you.. Only what HE wants.

For a couple to succeed, they need to learn to 'listen' to each other, have some respect and be able to try to work things out. - IMO, he's a partier. Not one to want to settle down and be a real 'partner'.

Then yes, get out of there now, instead of living such a miserable life.  What you want and what he wants, seems to be two different things.

 

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14 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

, the same thing happened with his ex.

When he says that happened with his EX. I asked his many time s week he was going out and was other girls included and. Was it to clubs or bars? He says it's was once every week or 2 weeks and only with male friends .I told him I have no problem with him going out . But now it's just something different . Is multiple times a week without any consideration for me and it got much worst this couple last weeks after his 2 brothers moved next door. He talks about continuing education and other things but all he does is having  out with his brothers . 

He tried to talk to me and I told him to leave me alone and don't talk to me. He says he was with his brothers until 7 am this morning this is why he didn't come in early . But right now still with his brothers hanging out and talking .not like getting anything done.

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What's bothering me is that he is outside on the balcony with his brothers taking all day long, and I'm inside secluded. Am I wrong for been annoyed to death with this?. We can spend our time getting to know each other better, or do activities, or take English classes as we are foreigner both and English is our second language . Just do something productive . And why the hell is he treating this house like a bar , I pay half the rent and bills and food too ?

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3 minutes ago, Isa said:

we are foreigner both and English is our second language

Are you on a tourist or work visa? Are either of you citizens? You don't seem to understand his culture . Why can't you take English classes alone?

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11 minutes ago, Isa said:

He tried to talk to me and I told him to leave me alone and don't talk to me. He says he was with his brothers until 7 am this morning this is why he didn't come in early . But right now still with his brothers hanging out and talking .not like getting anything done.

Okay and you don't fancy this, do you?  He's not giving you any time - more like a convenience?

And it's all causing some trouble between you two, as you don't want to talk to him at all, so causing some distance.

I have an ex like this.. he lived HIS life.  His friends and his alcohol. ( If some ppl choose this, is most likely they are alcy's and is called 'married to the bottle'- will be nothing but problems).

So, think on this... as it is NOT just him there anymore.  is you as well. And another thing.. no one ever gets anywhere successfully if they can't 'talk'.  Communication is a must!

 

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I am a citizen, I been in USA for 6 years.  and he is on a work visa but he isn't planning to go back to his country anymore as his entire family just moved here .

My English is decent . I still have an accent but I took English classes  when first I moved here and. But his English isn't great and we talked before how he needs to take English classes as that will help him professionally and help our communication , as for me I just want accent reduction classes. But the point is that he is just hanging out with his brothers and coworkers doing absolutely nothing . 

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay and you don't fancy this, do you?  He's not giving you any time - more like a convenience?

I'm not sure what do you mean here. He just asked me if I want to eat that's all, he wasn't trying to make a conversation or fix things. He just go silent , and I'm not sure what are you suggesting ? Are you saying I need to have a conversation with him? He isn't trying. He is just outside with his brothers. I'm here at home he could come set with me and take but he incapable of that. 

He was the first to say he didn't want to talk to me couple days. And I decided to give him what he wants and ignore him. I'm tired of him saying he didn't want to talk to me and than comeback few hours later saying he loves me and he is sorry. 

We live in a small apartment together and his behavior affect me. And affect my mood too and my privacy . I can't just have alone time with him while his 2 brothers here so time long. 

And it s not like he didn't see his brothers , they work at the same  place. And now they are outside my door laughing and talking loudly in Spanish. And it's just annoying me. In can't even focus , as the apart is so small and the walls or so thin and I have to deal with this. I just want to go out and tell them to get the fuc* out my balcony and to go elsewhere . But I know that will create even a bigger problem. But omg in had enough  of this continually day and night.

Edited by Isa
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Posted (edited)

They are doing all this on purpose, to force you out. With little money you have, go to a youth hostel or find a room to rent. Ask for a load from family. 

3 hours ago, Isa said:

 

I just lost my job . I got covid for the second time and the employer let me go without notice and I can't get unemployment since I worked less than 3 months . And I m looking for work currently .

You should have gone to a labor lawyer, they are free, to see if you have a case. There are laws to protect people when they are let go without notice/just cause. It's possible you were eligible for severance. In some cases if you didn't sign away your rights, or worked during a probationary period, you should be getting compensation. I would look into that if I were you. 

Edited by smackie9
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3 hours ago, Isa said:

I would love to go to my family but they are in east Europe, that requested money to go and I just registered for classes in this city to continue my education so I can't just leave. I need an advice about what to in the mean time while I'm still living in the same house with him.? And I stopped cooking or cleaning after him and I told him to don't get anywhere near me physically . Thank you 

If you won the lottery today would you stay or go?

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Posted (edited)

I would but my family and I  a house somewhere in Europe and go to live with to hem . 

But I didn't win any lottery and I feel bad for my family and ashamed of my self. As I waisted my time, money and energy thinking I found a relation and a man that worth it. And now I'm not sure what you do next. Or at least what to do and how to live here until I start working again and move out ?

Edited by Isa
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5 minutes ago, Isa said:

I would but my family and I  a house somewhere in Europe and go to live with to hem . 

But I didn't win any lottery and I feel bad for my family and ashamed of my self. As I waisted my time, money and energy thinking I found a relation and a man that worth it. And now I'm not sure what you do next. Or at least what to do and how to live here until I start working again and move out ?

Are you with him mostly because of financial reasons?

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No not at all. He is on the same level financially . He is in working visa in USA and he works in a restaurant . Nothing special. I have better education and I am US citizen . I m with him  because I truly thought he was a good man with decent manners , caring and loving . Nothing more or less. 

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