8 months in.

[Bobbyclobby]

Hi.

So I'm 8 months in and now in a relationship with a beautiful woman 4 years my junior - I'm 54.

All was going well and I've met the kids a few times. She has 3...21 years, 11 and 8. The 21 year old seemed to like me at first however I've done a few things to help her out and received no thanks. The 8 year old is no problem at all. The 11 year old, however, seems to really dislike me. He's rude to me, doesn't listen to anything I say and his behaviour deteriorates every time I see him. There are no pleasant interactions between us. And I swear this is not on my part.

Is there any future in this or should I call it a day. I am in love with my partner but I don't want to be in her sons life if he dislikes me. And for my own sanity I don't want him trying to destroy our relationship for however long. I could take a step back from the kids and simply concentrate on "us".  However I've been alone for so many years I would like to settle down with her. But is that possible? For example if we had a place together the lions share of any money would be mine and I would resent this eventually with him being how he is.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Bobbyclobby said:

. He's rude to me, doesn't listen to anything I say and his behaviour deteriorates every time I see him. 

Sorry this is happening. 8 months is way to soon to be this involved with her kids. The children have a father and they only have to listen to the father and the mother.

A 24 week BF shouldn't be discipling her kids. You need to step far away from her children and leave the child raising to her and their father.

This is too much too soon. The kids resent you because your GF has poor judgement forcing you on them.

[Bobbyclobby]

I wouldn't say telling him I'll inflate his bike tyres before he goes out on it is disciplining and 24 weeks is 6 months. Not nit picking, only saying.

As I said I'll take a step back from involvement with the kids. 

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, Bobbyclobby said:

The 11 year old, however, seems to really dislike me. He's rude to me, doesn't listen to anything I say and his behaviour deteriorates every time I see him.

How does his mother respond to this? 

[Bobbyclobby]

She doesn't really say much. She was with someone a while ago and he ended it because of her kids. 

 

The only reason I met them early was because I helped her with an emergency at her house which was unavoidable. Since then we've met a few times.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bobbyclobby said:

I wouldn't say telling him I'll inflate his bike tyres before he goes out on it is disciplining

Ok. Stop playing step dad. They resent it. And yes 8 months dating is too soon for all this faux blended family stuff.

They don't need or want another dad. They have one. 

First focus on stabilizing your relationship with her. You already dislike her kids, so reflect if going further is worthwhile. 

If push comes to shove, she'll pick her kids. You both know that.

You claim her last BF left because of her kids. Well maybe she's not ready to date if her kids are problems.

 

 

Edited May 30 by Wiseman2

[Seraphim]

How long ago was her divorce ? The middle one is becoming a teenager and it is a disagreeable age to begin with . Is his dad in his life ? 
 

I would only get involved with the kids if you were going to get married. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Bobbyclobby said:

She doesn't really say much. 

Then she may not even realize that it bothers you this much, and  it's making you second-guess everything. 

[Jibralta]

I was very standoffish--possibly even rude--to my stepfather for well over a year, I think. I was in my 30s, too 😅 I think my guard was way up. It took time for that to come down naturally--but it did. Unfortunately, you really can't force something like that.

I guess the thing is to decide what you want. If you are serious about becoming part of this family my advice to you is to be patient and buckle up. You've signed up for a wild ride. The 21-year old is oblivious, the 11-year old is becoming an adolescent, and the 8-year old is probably going to change her behavior too. They're all probably going to keep changing in the next 10-15 years because they're growing up. 

[Batya33]

He has to treat you with basic, age appropriate, manners and respect - and you have to not try to be his father or any type of father figure.  If he doesn't treat you with respect -the respect you'd give to a guest in your home, a family friend - then she as the parent should want to resolve the situation if not at that moment then later and tell you "I told him he made a bad choice in acting rude to you when you offered to inflate his tires".

Our son is 13.  A few weeks ago my husband wanted to introduce him to a colleague who has been like a mentor to my husband at a work event we attended.  The man's name is "Joe" and my husband said to my son -there is "Joe Smith" - I'll introduce you to him.  My son, meaning well, but not thinking at the moment -started running in that direction saying "Joe!" and my husband stopped and firmly and quietly said "No -it's Mr. Smith" - and my son listened and did so - good damage control LOL. 

He understood that he's 13, he might act impulsively and not with the best manners and we as adults are in charge of guiding him and showing him how to behave, at times.  It's not convenient, at times not fun to be that parent but it's our job.  Even if the child means well.  Maybe the 11 year old was tired/irritable and that is when the parent needs to show the child "you can be irritable and choose to treat a guest with respect -it's not an excuse."  And the 11 year old can say "I don't like how he is trying to treat me as if he knows me and is my father.  He is not."

And  then he can be told how to react to that in a better way and perhaps you can respect this child's sense that you might be here today, not tomorrow so why bother getting close or interacting beyond you being a guest in the home?

[Tinydance]

Well I could be wrong but being 11 is a difficult age because the child is becoming a tween and possibly hitting puberty. I think from about the age of 11-12 to teenage years some kids don't even like their own parents, let alone their Mum's new boyfriend lol

Do you also have kids of your own or you don't? I think the thing is, the 21-year-old is a young adult who is busy with her own life and her own friends. It's an age where often the person is just living their own life. Maybe she hasn't been very warm or thankful towards you but it may not be because she doesn't like you but just because she's a bit indifferent and focusing on her own things.

I think you also have to remember that you're new on the scene. It's only been eight months and I assume you haven't spent all that time just with the kids. So they probably don't know you that well yet. They might warm up to you later, or they might not, but I guess without giving it more time you just can't really know.

I'm not sure if maybe you're expecting too much from them. It's nice of you to help them but I think being 11, the boy isn't really going to respond the way an adult would to your help. While an adult might say: "Thank you so much, I really appreciate it." Whereas a child or teenager might just mumble a quick "thanks". Also you don't really have to do anything for them, which might solve the problem of you feeling like they're ungrateful. They have a Mum and I'm guessing a Dad as well, so they already have their parents doing things for them.

On the other hand, if you don't have kids of your own and you want to date someone with no kids or adult children, then this woman is not it. She comes together with her children and I think your only two options is to try to get along with them or end it. You could date women in their 50's who have adult children that don't live with them, therefore not really causing a problem. 

Edited May 30 by Tinydance

[Bobbyclobby]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

. Is his dad in his life ? 
 

Dad is in his life. They went through a bad break up...violence, restraining orders, all sorts. He goes there every other weekend

[Bobbyclobby]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

How long ago was her divorce ?

They split up when the youngest was 10 months old. The dad is in his life. We know he's actually told them "don't get to attached to him, he won't be round for long"

[Kwothe28]

You maybe dont have kids so dont have an experience and doing what I call "modern parents mistake". See, they think their kids just have to love them at any price. So they do everything in their power, including spoiling them, in order to do that. And that is simply not true, or good in most of the cases. Your kids have to respect you, not love you at any price. Lots of the decisions people make for their kids or for themselves, its not what the kids want. But until they are grown enough to make their own decisions, parent is the one responsible for them. For example her decision to date you is one of them. Just because kid is in a teenage rebelious phase, doesnt make it a bad decision.

Same goes for you. You have 2 out of 3 kids accept you. So what if the middle one doesnt? Its still a "win" when roughly 66,67% of them do. Admittedly you are not his co-parent, you are just dating. But ultimately its his mothers decision to date you, not his. As long as you have a good relationship there, it really doesnt matter if one of them has a dificult tme to accept the relationship. Again, its his mothers relationship, not his. As long as that is going well, its all good. So just relax. I dont see that you should call it quits just yet.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bobbyclobby said:

The dad is in his life. We know he's actually told them "don't get to attached to him, he won't be round for long"

That's true. The kids shouldn't get attached to you. Your relationship is too new and she has a bad history with men. These kids are victims of their parents bad marriage, her bad choices so you can't try to win them over. Step back and observe carefully rather than mapping out a future with home buying etc.

[Bobbyclobby]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So just relax. I dont see that you should call it quits just yet

Thank you. I do have kids of my own but they are older, 28 and 24.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Bobbyclobby said:

Thank you. I do have kids of my own but they are older, 28 and 24.

Did you ever have a situation when they were still living with you full time and you brought home a woman you were dating who wanted to do some parent type stuff with or for them ?

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, Bobbyclobby said:

I've been alone for so many years I would like to settle down with her.

This should not be a reason to try to force or fast-track a relationship.  You should want to "settle down" with someone because they're right for you, not try to convince yourself she's right for you because you're tired of being lonely.

[waffle]

7 hours ago, Bobbyclobby said:

. . . if we had a place together the lions share of any money would be mine and I would resent this eventually with him being how he is.

What does this mean?

[smackie9]

I know it's easy for me to say but, I wouldn't date anyone with this type of baggage. The kids are not the baggage but the environment they came from is. Restraining orders on the ex husband, ex bf leaving because of the kids....that would be enough for me to say no way. 

If you want to stick it out, distance yourself/your presence from the kids because you cannot change that landscape only go around it. plus you are only 8 months in, you are in the honeymoon stage, once it starts to wear off, you will be changing your tune about how you feel about her and this relationship. 

Edited May 30 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Bobbyclobby said:

I've been alone for so many years I would like to settle down with her. For example if we had a place together the lions share of any money would be mine and I would resent this eventually with him being how he is.

Don't think of her as a last chance woman. If you do, you'll be tempted to force-fit things and ultimately be miserable.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Bobbyclobby said:

They split up when the youngest was 10 months old. The dad is in his life. We know he's actually told them "don't get to attached to him, he won't be round for long"

Yeah, this isn't too good 😕 .

Sounds you're in for some trouble being exposed to a 'nagative' father figure, an 11 yr old w/ an attitude etc.

You have only been involved with this woman for just over 6 months.. why you'd even 'think' on long term, settling down, homing with her etc, I have no idea!

You are already experiencing challenges with this household in less than a year around her.  

This is truly HER life.  Her kids & all of their challenges, their father and all of her past & break ups. I can't see much positive for you in this.

Think a little on all of this. Is this what you really want? ( I think you're eyes will become clearer after the 'honeymoon phase' comes to an end). As, I feel you don't truly know her or the kids too well- but you're getting there.

 

Edited May 30 by SooSad33