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friendly or flirting? Help!


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How do I know if I have a chance or if I should move on? I am *** NB (afab), and I have had a crush on a woman at my workplace for nearly 3 years. She is a fair bit older than me (no issue for me), and as far as I'm aware, she is straight. Knowing this I have been content with friendship, but sometimes I wonder if she is flirting with me. There are times when she seems super happy to see me, her face lights up and her tone is playful, we tease each other and make each other laugh, have a few inside jokes, we give nicknames and she winks at me, and she's slowly divulging more personal information about herself (she is very private), has told me she is glad to be single after her last relationship, but has mentioned being single several times since first telling me. And then sometimes I get weird vibes from her, she won't stop and chat for days, and comes across really cold to me, but I will see her laughing and joking around with other people, she will go from calling me 'sweet' to 'mate', things like that. The hot and cold is driving me nuts, and I'm really struggling to figure out if she is being flirty, or if I'm just seeing what I want to see. It’s too risky to just outright ask due to the work situation, and I basically just want to figure out if I should try to flirt a bit myself and see where it goes, or just accept that it’s a friendship and get over it. any advice or insight welcome, but please be kind 🙂 

Edited by Ashlinn Jarnheim
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I can only speak for myself. If this is a job I'd want to keep, I'd keep my private life away from coworkers. This doesn't mean that lightweight friendships are off the table, I'm fine with socializing, but there is nothing I would ever confide in ANY coworker about myself or someone else that I wouldn't want repeated all over the workplace.

So IMO, your stakes are too high. If the woman takes anything you say or do the wrong way, it would be like leaving your diary open in the lunch room. You'd need to live with those consequences every. single. work. day for the duration of your employment there.

Nobody is worth that--I'd take my love life outside, where private can remain private. Meanwhile, I'd cultivate face-value work friendships for walking and lunching, but beyond that, not wise.

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It sounds to me like your a friendship of convenience. When she’s bored and doesn’t have a lot else going on, she will seek you out. However, your just a backup plan whose good for ego boosting and attention when other resources dry up.

Imagine being in a relationship with a person like this. Chances are this is just who is she. If you aren’t ready to accept that, then move on.

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Erm... I've been called sweetie, hon, etc. All just pleasantries to address a female in some parts of the world. Mate is the equivalent of "bro", so definitely not flirting lingo.

I wouldn't read much into it and find love outside the office.

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2 hours ago, Ashlinn Jarnheim said:

I have had a crush on a woman at my workplace for nearly 3 years. She is a fair bit older than me (no issue for me), and as far as I'm aware, she is straight. Knowing this I have been content with friendship, but sometimes I wonder if she is flirting with me. There are times when she seems super happy to see me, her face lights up and her tone is playful, we tease each other and make each other laugh, have a few inside jokes, we give nicknames and she winks at me, and she's slowly divulging more personal information about herself (she is very private), has told me she is glad to be single after her last relationship, but has mentioned being single several times since first telling me

Keywords here:

- Workplace

- You are content w/ friendship

- Personal info.

 

You remain as you are.. No further than friendship. Expect no more.

She seems a little shady imo, and it is your workplace. And, the hot & cold stuff.

Take her flirtiness as nothing more.  She seems all over the place w/ everyone around there.

Just steer clear with any idea's.

 

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3 hours ago, Ashlinn Jarnheim said:

How do I know if I have a chance or if I should move on? I am *** NB (afab), and I have had a crush on a woman at my workplace for nearly 3 years. She is a fair bit older than me (no issue for me), and as far as I'm aware, she is straight. Knowing this I have been content with friendship, but sometimes I wonder if she is flirting with me. There are times when she seems super happy to see me, her face lights up and her tone is playful, we tease each other and make each other laugh, have a few inside jokes, we give nicknames and she winks at me, and she's slowly divulging more personal information about herself (she is very private), has told me she is glad to be single after her last relationship, but has mentioned being single several times since first telling me. And then sometimes I get weird vibes from her, she won't stop and chat for days, and comes across really cold to me, but I will see her laughing and joking around with other people, she will go from calling me 'sweet' to 'mate', things like that. The hot and cold is driving me nuts, and I'm really struggling to figure out if she is being flirty, or if I'm just seeing what I want to see. It’s too risky to just outright ask due to the work situation, and I basically just want to figure out if I should try to flirt a bit myself and see where it goes, or just accept that it’s a friendship and get over it. any advice or insight welcome, but please be kind 🙂 

If she's inconsistent, steer clear. There's not enough info here and it could be any reason why she's hot/cold. She may be dealing with other things at home you don't know about. 

One thing is for sure: flirting gets very tiresome after awhile when the recipient and you aren't compatible  and it's going nowhere. Whether this turns out to be anything, I'd ask her out sooner rather than later (not continue endless mindless flirting) because the back and forth doesn't matter.

Regarding dating in the workplace, I don't condone it and have never done it myself, could never get to that point. If you are unsure, be cautious and don't go there. Meet other singles outside of work.

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Thanks for the advice guys. I know there wasn't a lot of info, and sometimes she's really sweet and cheeky, innuendo in conversations etc, but I think you are all right and the hot/cold and inconsistencies mean I should just keep it as a work friend thing and nothing more. 

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5 hours ago, Ashlinn Jarnheim said:

 I am *** NB (afab), and I have had a crush on a woman at my workplace for nearly 3 years.  as far as I'm aware, she is straight. 

It's ok to have a crush but do not hit on co-workers. 

Join some LGBT groups and clubs. Get on some LGBT dating apps. Don't hit on straight people.

Be professional and polite at work. People go to work for paychecks. It's not a singles club.

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I originally met my husband at work.  I think work is a great place to meet dates and future partners with a few boundaries -the two people are single.  The two people do not work together and there is no supervising either and no chance of it.  The two people are discreet and do not carry on their dating at the workplace.  When we were dating I actually was comfortable being in our neighborhood on a weekend and being seen by coworkers once in awhile -because that was our time, our business.  

If you two work together I likely wouldn't pursue anything unless one of you is looking to leave the place of employment.  (In our case I ended up leaving 6 months later -nothing to do with us dating -and actually everyone knew we were dating even though we were totally discreet -I was comfortable with that since we kept our personal lives totally separate).  

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