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Woman with a fear of being intimate


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I've been on some dates with this woman. She is fun we have a lot of chemistry and she is very sexual. Perhaps not much of a connection but she is smart and funny and we have good banter. We've planned an evening alone together tomorrow. And in the course of making arrangement she sent me this: 

I am just a bit sad…And worried that I will not see you again after that… Being intimate can make me be 100 times more reserved and then I could find 100 excuses not to see you  again…

I found this interesting as I am guessing it is quite common with modern women my age who seem to date, occasionally hookup, but struggle to develop relationships. 

And I think actually even as a man I often feel this way after having sex with someone I do not yet have feelings for and have a tendency to go a bit cold and distant afterwards which I guess is what happens with her.

On this occasion I am not too worried because these situations with instant chemistry tend to fizzle out pretty quickly anyway and do not turn into anything lasting. But the psychology does interest me and would be great to have some further insights on this. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Nothing to do with gender or "modern" - this individual is telling you that she reacts to sexual activity by pulling away.  I wouldn't think anything further beyond that (I mean I am giving the benefit of the doubt that she is sharing what is true to her - but of course she might do this as an excuse to avoid sex with you). 

I wouldn't assume she has a fear of being intimate -take what she said at face value -she reacts to sex as she described.  Let her therapist or BFF analyze it further.

I think it's a bizarre way to communicate about sex that is planned (meaning typed words and after you already planned an evening to have sex).  I would not see her again because even if you choose not to have sex yet she's already telling you that if/when you do you are warned that she will react by wanting to pull away. 

If you are happy to hang out with her, be romantic, sexual as you have been but not have intercourse with her then sure, proceed as a casual dating arrangement.  I don't think it's worth pursuing this person for casual sex.  You're forewarned.

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I am just a bit sad…And worried that I will not see you again after that… Being intimate can make me be 100 times more reserved and then I could find 100 excuses not to see you  again…

What the...

It's like a rejection before the rejection lol

I would not. Even for casual sex, I would not pursue someone like that. Sounds childish to me.

And, I agree with @Batya33. This has nothing to do with modern women nor gender.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Posted (edited)
24 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I've been on some dates with this woman. She is fun we have a lot of chemistry and she is very sexual. Perhaps not much of a connection but she is smart and funny and we have good banter. We've planned an evening alone together tomorrow. And in the course of making arrangement she sent me this

How many actual dates have you been on?

It sounds like she's been burned and worried that a home invitation means a pump-and-dump. 

Reassure her. Simply say "no worries, no hurry, just want to enjoy your company and take time getting to know you.". 

Edited by Wiseman2
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13 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I mean, if someone expresses sadness at the prospect of having sex for any reason, I just wouldn't have sex with them even if they said they wanted to. There's no need to force yourself to if you don't think you can handle it/are conflicted/whatever. 

Agree. 

I wouldn't feel good being around someone like this. Too many reassurances needed as well. It speaks for itself that you're still interested if you're asking her out on dates and your conversations are wide/varied. 

It also speaks of someone who is conflicted and probably isn't confident in themselves of their own decisions. 

If you choose to reply or continue seeing her tread with caution. You're both adults here and made the decision to have sex without much emotional intimacy. 

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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I am just a bit sad…And worried that I will not see you again after that… Being intimate can make me be 100 times more reserved and then I could find 100 excuses not to see you  again…

Captain Killjoy has entered the chat. 

I would not even bother with this, OP. She's just someone with issues. It's not related to her gender or being "modern." It won't be light and fun once she goes cold and disappears after. 

Next. 

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I agree with Miss Canuck, too many issues with this lady.

Is she going from man to man? Is she too messed up to know how to deal with actual dating and not just sex? Has she met another man and this is a convenient excuse to dump you? 

Who knows.

But the one huge red flag here is, she is not someone who is stable enough to continue any kind of relationship with.

Take a pass on this one.

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4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I am just a bit sad…And worried that I will not see you again after that… Being intimate can make me be 100 times more reserved and then I could find 100 excuses not to see you  again…

I also find this very odd.

Why have sex with someone if you know you're going to be 100 times more reserved and start making excuses?

If it causes that much problems, don't have sex right away and stick to just dating until you're more comfortable and make a true connection with that person.

 

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To me it sounds like an excuse for later. Like "We will have sex but dont be surprised if you dont hear from me after". Or even just like "If you dont satisfy you are out" kind of thing. Pretty weird to just outright be said before anything happens. 

Are you perhaps drawn to "emotionally unavailable" or even "non- comittal" women? Last 2 or 3 you wrote about here all seem to have a same issue. Where you connect but they are not ready for anything more than a casual hookup from one reason or another. Its something that you should watch out in future.

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She has set up the end of the story before it even started.  If you want have sex with her but keep your expectations low on something lasting or even short term.

 This all could be some sort of trick she uses to challenge men to overcome her reservations after sex.  Who knows and honestly it is her problem, not yours yet.

  Lost 

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Yeah she also said something along the lines of "I really want you but don't trust you enough". And after our second date she said the following morning "I woke up and wondered what are your red flags that I missed". So I guess she has been burned and is trying to protect herself.

She also said a while back that she often loses interest after sex and didn't want this to happen to us and when I asked why she loses interest she said that it feels there is nothing more after this.

So yeah decided not to go ahead with it. 

 

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Just now, jazz_lover said:

Yeah she also said something along the lines of "I really want you but don't trust you enough". And after our second date she said the following morning "I woke up and wondered what are your red flags that I missed". So I guess she has been burned and is trying to protect herself.

She also said a while back that she often loses interest after sex and didn't want this to happen to us and when I asked why she loses interest she said that it feels there is nothing more after this.

So yeah decided not to go ahead with it. 

 

Good. All that is psycho babble for “I’m rejecting you first”

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Posted (edited)

She sounds equal parts insecure as all heck and completely wrapped (by herself) in infinite layers of cotton wool so as to preemptively protect herself from any potential emotional hurt she expects to inevitably feel. At the same time, she is disassociating from developing any kind of emotional connection after being intimate with someone, likely in the hopes of not getting hurt. But it all results in this cold, insensitive behaviour towards [potential] partners.

To be honest, I think it is incredibly selfish of her to even be going on dates if that it her attitude and mindset. She is wasting people’ time. If all she wants is no-strings sex, then that is what she should pursue, and give up the pretence of dating.

You made the right call stepping away from all her pending drama.

Edited by LotusBlack
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3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 after our second date she said the following morning "I woke up and wondered what are your red flags that I missed". So yeah decided not to go ahead with it. 

Yes, put this in the wackadoodle pile.

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