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LDR and getting feelings for someone else


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Hi,

I find it very hard to navigate what I’m feeling due to me being on the spectrum. Currently I have a long-distance relationship for around 3 years. He lives in another country meaning I can only see him for a month and a half or so during summer holidays. Recently I started hanging out with some friends more and it seems like I caught feelings for one of my friends. If I interpret the signals right he seems to have the same feelings for me.

One of the problems is that this guy is the ex of my good friend, they’re still good friends and she has someone else right now but I wouldn’t know how it would go over if I’d get in a thing with him. I wouldn't wanna risk ruining our friendship over this. Another problem is of course my current boyfriend. I love him very much, but the distance is of course very tough. I like talking to him every night and I know I am very important to him. It would hurt me a lot having to break up with him but having these feelings for someone else also doesn’t feel right. The distance and lack of touch and whatever is terrible to deal with. Him moving permanently here would be at least a year away.

I’m not sure what to do with my situation and I hope someone can give me some insight.

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15 minutes ago, rei said:

He lives in another country meaning I can only see him for a month and a half or so during summer holidays. I wouldn’t know how it would go over if I’d get in a thing with him. The distance and lack of touch and whatever is terrible to deal with.

LDRs are fraught with this type of frustration. Don't put your life on hold for a penpal.

Has this ex of your friend asked you out? While dating him may be awkward, your instincts are telling you that LDRs are not happy.

Neither of these two seem like good prospects. Two half relationships don't equal one whole relationship.

Use this as a sign that you need to live your local life more fully. Tell the distance guy that you would rather be friends, it's not working. He may wish to be free to date locally too.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men .

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You dont love your current boyfriend. He was convinient at the time, but as soon somebody else more convinient came around, you want to leave him. There is no love or even care there. Otherwise you wouldnt thought discarding him for some other guy. So dont hold to the guy anymore and break up if you want to pursue something else. Dont try to lie to the guy or cheat to see if other thing has potential, its not nice. Just break up.

As for the other guy, have you talked to your friend about it? Dating your friends ex is usually a big no- no. Some people dont mind but real life is not a sitcom. Its a really ankward situation and its questionable if she would be OK with that.

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What gives you the impression that your friend's ex is into you? 

It's usually not a good idea to go for friends' exes. End your current relationship if you don't feel interested in continuing anymore. Have your boyfriend and you ever broken up in the past (on/off relationship)?

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I'm thinking maybe neither is good for you. You're feeling the stress & strains of something long distance.  It's just not cutting it- right?  Which could be a reason you've recently taken some interest in a friends ex? I'd say so, as your LD means you're lacking in every form here ( true contact of your partner etc. ) 😕 

Is maybe time to reconsider IF it's really worth it.  Do YOU think you're up to waiting another year?  Are they away schooling? Or just from another country, planning to travel to yours?  If so, I'd even throw caution to wind what that.  Sadly, so much stress causes a couple to BU, as other's from far away, entering a new country are really unsettled & set off for a while.

And... I also feel for reason's that you should end this - with the idea of him.. or maybe him. Because as you know, this is a friends EX.  

How about you be done with one before you seek another.  Get over all of that and then, proceed.  Why not be single a good while - maybe at least 6 months to make sure you ARE in the right mindset to be involved again.

Some things to think on.

Try not to just 'give in', because you've got some 'changed feelings'.

 

 

 

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17 hours ago, rei said:

I have a long-distance relationship for around 3 years. He lives in another country meaning I can only see him for a month and a half or so during summer holidays

So you've only actually spent time together in person maybe 2 or 3 times?

I think you are seeing why a LDR when you see each other so rarely doesn't usually work out. It's not a very realistic prospect for most folks to maintain interest when you barely ever meet. Naturally, you are going to want more affection and in-person quality time, and interest in your partner wanes when you realize your needs aren't being met and the relationship is not fulfilling. 

Now, that is not to say that getting close to someone else is acceptable. You are going to have to decide if you're ready to move on from your relationship (which it seems like you are) before making a move with anyone else. And be prepared for the possibility that things might not work out with a new guy either - especially one who is your friend's ex. That stands to get messy really fast. But perhaps this is your signal that it's time to really evaluate the long-term viability of your relationship. 

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Posted (edited)

What caused the distance, and was there ever a time of normal dating and daily exposure to one another outside of a seasonal vacation bubble?

Your answers can help clarify for you whether you're actually invested in the LDR BF, or whether you're more invested in a fantasy the two of you have built around the 'idea' of one another.

The problem with fantasy love LD is that it doesn't usually work out the way we've hoped or planned. So putting your love life on hold for someone you don't even know interactively beyond a few seasonal visits doesn't make much sense.

I wouldn't consider the friend in question to even be the point. Your attraction to him has raised a more important question about dealing with your current business before pursuing something new. I'd address that first before I'd consider anyone else as my motivation for doing so.

Write more if it helps.

Edited by catfeeder
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