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Does she really care about me?


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Posted (edited)

I want to start this by thanking anyone who takes the time to hear me out or lend any advice/opinions. I don’t have a strong support system around me so finding this place was a blessing. 
 

I met Cara five years ago (we were both 20) and we instantly hit it off. We’ve been in a rather rocky relationship and truthfully? I always feel at fault for our issues. I’m the only one of us who really brings up negative aspects to the relationship (nothing serious, but things that are worth communicating about). She has made several insinuations that I’m overly sensitive so I guess that’s what brought me here. To ask your thoughts on if I’m out of line feeling certain ways or wanting to distance myself. 
 

Here’s an example. Last month I became very ill and was hospitalized with pneumonia. I am well on my way to a full recovery now, but at the time she was making me feel overly paranoid for worrying. My doctors were discussing putting me on a ventilator. When I told her (it was over text) she sent this in return: “hope it makes you feel better 😘” . I got upset because whenever she has anything wrong (even minor) I drop everything to be there for her/do research/calm her down… but she dismissed what I explained and continued to text me about a trip she wants to take with her friends. 
 

I thought I was in love with her, and she claims I’m the love of her life, but I don’t know if I can deal with this anymore. Am I being too sensitive? I don’t want to lose something good if I am, but every conversation I bring up about this, she tells me it’s all in my head. 

Edited by Jack Not Sparrow
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Posted (edited)

I'm not sure why you are rushing to calm someone. They would need to be calm and know how to handle their problems or issues independently. Is it a regular occurrence? What's causing her to break down or be stressed? 

Maybe not love but familiarity. You both just know one another but aren't valuing each other anymore with the love or concern one would find in a relationship because the relationship is too burdened with issues you both could be handling independently if you both felt more confident or capable. There is also the option of medical professionals and other support systems like friends, family, therapy etc.

Do you argue about anything else?

I do think her comment was very sarcastic and rude. I'm sorry she said that but very glad you're doing better now. I don't blame you for distancing yourself. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Posted (edited)
56 minutes ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

When I told her (it was over text) she sent this in return: “hope it makes you feel better 😘” . I got upset because whenever she has anything wrong (even minor) I drop everything to be there for her/do research/calm her down…

Yep. That's one of the tests.

In sickness and in health. If you feel she didn't care enough about you when you were hospitalised, that could be a big sign that she's not that into you and she takes you for granted. My ex dis the same... I wish I knew back-then that there are certain life-test moments in a relationship that reveal its true colours.

Can you elaborate on these?

56 minutes ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

We’ve been in a rather rocky relationship and truthfully? I always feel at fault for our issues. I’m the only one of us who really brings up negative aspects to the relationship

 

56 minutes ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

she tells me it’s all in my head. 

^ she might be gaslighting you. A good partner would respect your feelings and talk about them. They would show some efforts into finding a middle ground/solution about reasonable concerns. But instead, she is dismissing your feelings and needs.

I also agree with @MissCanuck. Maybe as you've been into adulthood, you've grown incompatible and you find it hard to leave each other cause you're too comfortable and familiar with one another. You're scared of being out there with others, but you can do it.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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1 hour ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

 she sent this in return: “hope it makes you feel better 😘” . I got upset because whenever she has anything wrong (even minor) I drop everything to be there for her/do research/calm her down… 

Sorry this is happening. You've been together since you're 15? Do you go to the same college? Do you both work? Do you both live with parents.

She is not your physician or nurse. She shouldn't be "researching" your condition. Her message was fine.

Keep in mind she offered compassion and support, not pity or over the top Dr. Googling. She seems a bit shallow, but she's not being mean.

 

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It is something to think about. You are in a 5 year old relationship. And she doesnt seem overtly invested into your problems. If you are(God forbid) strapped to that ventilator would she came to visit you or nurse your afterward. Or would she just send a message and went to that trip with her friend?

It doesnt really matter what she says when her actions are proving otherwise. She is in a relationship with you for 5 years so maybe just feels compelled to stay there due to a longevity. But does she really cares or not is another thing. For example, does she proves to care otherwise? Does she puts your needs there? Are you feeling loved after that time? Does she makes any gestures toward you to feel that even if its something small like making you feel special for your birthday? You get overtly invested into her problems. But whether she is into yours is something to be concerned about if her go to answer for you worrying about serious health issue is "Hope you will feel better, here is the trip I would take with friends". 

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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not sure why you are rushing to calm someone. They would need to be calm and know how to handle their problems or issues independently. Is it a regular occurrence? What's causing her to break down or be stressed? 

Maybe not love but familiarity. You both just know one another but aren't valuing each other anymore with the love or concern one would find in a relationship because the relationship is too burdened with issues you both could be handling independently if you both felt more confident or capable. There is also the option of medical professionals and other support systems like friends, family, therapy etc.

Do you argue about anything else?

I do think her comment was very sarcastic and rude. I'm sorry she said that but very glad you're doing better now. I don't blame you for distancing yourself. 

 

I appreciate you getting back to me.

She struggles with a lot of family issues and calls me or comes over to break down whenever she and her mom or brother argue. A lot of the time it’s her mother’s health issues or brother getting into legal trouble, so I’ll try to research what I can and help. I’m just coming to realize that she has never done the same when something bad happens in my life. I don’t think it’s her job to be my doctor or therapist, but I always assumed it was normal to turn to your SO for comfort. This is my first serious relationship, so perhaps I have too high of expectations even after five years. 

We argue when I call her out for being dismissive or when she makes negative comments about my friends. She’s convinced they’re all in love with me and gets very aggressive towards them (not me) about it. It only becomes an issue between us when I bring it up.

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8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yep. That's one of the tests.

In sickness and in health. If you feel she didn't care enough about you when you were hospitalised, that could be a big sign that she's not that into you and she takes you for granted. My ex dis the same... I wish I knew back-then that there are certain life-test moments in a relationship that reveal its true colours.

Can you elaborate on these?

 

^ she might be gaslighting you. A good partner would respect your feelings and talk about them. They would show some efforts into finding a middle ground/solution about reasonable concerns. But instead, she is dismissing your feelings and needs.

I also agree with @MissCanuck. Maybe as you've been into adulthood, you've grown incompatible and you find it hard to leave each other cause you're too comfortable and familiar with one another. You're scared of being out there with others, but you can do it.

Your reply put a lot of things into perspective for me. Thanks for taking the time to write it out.

Our issues mainly stem from me being vocal about things that bother me. When she’s being dismissive about how I feel or when she starts being very aggressive towards my friends. She wants me to be friends with people she’s close to, but won’t even tolerate my friends. Just yesterday I asked her to please stop trying to force a friendship between me and this person who has made me quite uncomfortable for awhile. Around five minutes later, she created a group texting thread with us three. I’ve also caught her in a few small lies and I’ve always brought them up. She has never once come to me to talk about things that bother her. Over the span of five years, whenever she is angry or upset, she’ll get very moody but never want to talk about it and I’m left trying to puzzle things together. 

I agree with your last bit of input. This has been my first serious relationship, so starting over is scary. 

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14 minutes ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

she makes negative comments about my friends. She’s convinced they’re all in love with me

Are your "friends" exclusively single young women? Do you spend a lot of time with these "friends" without your girlfriend?

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Just now, boltnrun said:

Are your "friends" exclusively single young women? Do you spend a lot of time with these "friends" without your girlfriend?

They’re all guys and I’ve gotten somewhat close to a few of their girlfriends. I never spend time with the women without her and their boyfriends. I hangout with the guys maybe twice a week and see her almost daily. I also have a neighbor who’s a young female and whenever we see each other, we smile and wave. I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked to her but my girlfriend is insistent that she’s flirting with me. 

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She sounds incredibly unstable and insecure and I'm sorry that she has issues with her brother or family. You should not be googling or researching legal help for her. 

It is absolutely ok and normal to turn to an SO for help but I think both of you would work better without becoming so enmeshed or feeling obligated to play roles that neither of you are qualified to do such as therapist or paralegal/lawyer.

Step back for a bit and reassess things. You're doing the right thing taking a look at what's happening and deciding whether this is the dynamic you wish in a relationship.

 

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12 minutes ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

I’ve gotten somewhat close to a few of their girlfriends.

What does this mean? Do you go out with these women? Do you message or talk on the phone with them?

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

A lot of the time it’s her mother’s health issues or brother getting into legal trouble, so I’ll try to research what I can and help.  perhaps I have too high of expectations even after five years. 

We argue when I call her out. It only becomes an issue between us when I bring it up.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are riding her too hard. Stop "calling her out" or picking fights. You don't need to "research" when her family has legal or medical issues. That's not supportive, it's dismissive and she knows how to google.

 Maybe she doesn't like your friends, so what? she doesn't have to.

Yes people go to their loved ones for comfort but they don't want someone who picks up the phone and starts googling stuff, actually avoid being supportive.

Unfortunately you seem to be with her as a security blanket because "it's hard to start over". But that's not a good reason. Stop trying to fix or change her. Accept or go.

 Basically you're incompatible and all the bickering is making it worse. Try to relax and discontinue finding fault with each other.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 hours ago, Jack Not Sparrow said:

She struggles with a lot of family issues and calls me or comes over to break down whenever she and her mom or brother argue. A lot of the time it’s her mother’s health issues or brother getting into legal trouble, so I’ll try to research what I can and help. I’m just coming to realize that she has never done the same when something bad happens in my life. I don’t think it’s her job to be my doctor or therapist, but I always assumed it was normal to turn to your SO for comfort.

Yeah, maybe she's just so stuck in her own 'life issue's' and is unable to truly 'give' you what it is you need/deserve.

So, you don't find her very supportive.

As for her acting out that way towards your friends is also no good!  She does sound troubled in a few ways 😕 .

Either way, you do not sound happy in this relationship.. so, is maybe time to throw in the towel.  And realize this isn't for you & she's too challenging in a few ways.

 

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Sounds as though you've answered your own question. When you raise with her that she's dismissive of your feelings, she responds by being dismissive of your feelings and telling you it's all in your head... so, what does that confirm for you?

Nobody needs a partner who tells them that they are too sensitive.

It doesn't mean she's a villain, but she doesn't own the ability to be a tender enough partner for you. 

A partnership is an exchange of care. You are well within your rights to decide whether you want your future relationship to be one of mutual caring to the degree that YOU desire and are capable, OR whether being dismissed is good enough for you just to stay with this person.

Head high, and wishing you a full recovery.

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