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Confused about an ex-crush...


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I am bit of an anxious bean lol and this doesn't really matter in hindsight. (school is over for the semester and I am a bit bored lol). Long story short, there's a boy I have conflicting feelings for and we go to school together. We've made out a few times when going out with our cohort. Nothing else really came of it (we tried to hookup one evening, but it was getting really late and things got a little awkward after that. He's in an open relationship and that complicated the landscape a bit for me). Except the last time we kissed at this bar, I asked him if we could grab breakfast or something and he basically told me "no, i'll just end up disappointing you?"

Anyways...he kinda did because I texted him a few days later after a night out and asked him if we could catch up sometime and he said yes, but just thinks we should be friends and hopes that we're cool. I replied and told him we're good, but I do not want to be friends with someone I like/am interested in, which he respected.

Well now...maybe I am reading too much into it? But this whole thing has me feeling a bit anxious, mostly because he's been consistently viewing my Instagram stories? I just don't understand why boys want to keep tabs on you when they say they're not interested in you? (I mean especially since he already has a girlfriend, i kinda don't understand and I know people say that viewing one's story doesn't mean much, but i kinda don't see it that way) It doesn't make sense to me lol.

But because of this, he's been on my mind a bit lately and I am just wondering if I should reach out/talk to him? Or should I just wait for him to come to me? Or just let this whole situation go?

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Posted (edited)

You have feelings for him so treating him like a stranger or just a friend isn't going to work, especially if this is one of your first crushes or people you've tried to date. Be more gentle with yourself and also stern, please. Know that nothing's going to change if you're not willing to do anything about it. And this means continuing to check your IG for signs that he's into you. 

Whenever you feel the urge to look at social media do something else. He told you very nicely that he only wants to be friends with you. Don't live in a fantasy. Let the situation go. I never believe a person when they say they are ENM or in an open relationship until there's the opportunity to meet the partner(s)/wife/spouse etc.

Please don't be so naive to think that he may not be cheating on his girlfriend. Rethink that whole set up also and whether you agree with it. It wouldn't be sustainable in the long run for many people. Don't get carried away thinking he'll leave his girlfriend to be with you exclusively. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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2 hours ago, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

Or just let this whole situation go?

This. 

He's soft-rejected you twice, and placed you firmly in the FriendZone. Do you really need him to tell you again that he doesn't want to be more than friends? Don't flush your dignity down the toilet, girl. 

Viewing your stories is just idle curiosity. It's how many people pass time when they're bored or happen to be online.  He knows he could have you if he wanted to, yet he's opted out. Not only that, but he evidently has a girlfriend. I am not sure I would believe he's in an open relationship and not just a garden-variety cheater coming up with excuses, but it's pretty clear that he's not interested in exploring things with you. 

It's best to forget about him. 

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2 hours ago, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

 He's in an open relationship and that complicated the landscape a bit for me.

How old is he? What do you mean by "open relationship"? He's cheating on his GF?

Yes, leave him alone and find a real BF of your own.

 

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Posted (edited)

You were just somebody who he fooled around once or twice. I do wonder if his girlfriend even knows they are in an "open relationship" or was it just an excuse he gave you so he could do what he did. 

Anyway, you did good by rejecting a contact after that. You dont need somebody like that in your life. I would ignore him looking at your Instagram as a sign of anything and just move n with your life. Block his cheating ass if it makes it easier for you.

Edited by Kwothe28
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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? What do you mean by "open relationship"? He's cheating on his GF?

Yes, leave him alone and find a real BF of your own.

 

He's 23 and I am 24. And the "open relationship" thing, apparently him and his girlfriend are in one because he lives on the east coast now and his gf lives on the west coast, so they see other people. irdk the extent of their relationship tbh.

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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You have feelings for him so treating him like a stranger or just a friend isn't going to work, especially if this is one of your first crushes or people you've tried to date. Be more gentle with yourself and also stern, please. Know that nothing's going to change if you're not willing to do anything about it. And this means continuing to check your IG for signs that he's into you. 

Whenever you feel the urge to look at social media do something else. He told you very nicely that he only wants to be friends with you. Don't live in a fantasy. Let the situation go. I never believe a person when they say they are ENM or in an open relationship until there's the opportunity to meet the partner(s)/wife/spouse etc.

Please don't be so naive to think that he may not be cheating on his girlfriend. Rethink that whole set up also and whether you agree with it. It wouldn't be sustainable in the long run for many people. Don't get carried away thinking he'll leave his girlfriend to be with you exclusively. 

 

thank you for this advice! i'll try and be more gentle with myself

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1 minute ago, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

He's 23 and I am 24. And the "open relationship" thing, apparently him and his girlfriend are in one because he lives on the east coast now and his gf lives on the west coast, so they see other people. 

Whether or not they are in an "open relationship", or a GF even exits, he's letting you know this would be hookups only.

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8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This. 

He's soft-rejected you twice, and placed you firmly in the FriendZone. Do you really need him to tell you again that he doesn't want to be more than friends? Don't flush your dignity down the toilet, girl. 

Viewing your stories is just idle curiosity. It's how many people pass time when they're bored or happen to be online.  He knows he could have you if he wanted to, yet he's opted out. Not only that, but he evidently has a girlfriend. I am not sure I would believe he's in an open relationship and not just a garden-variety cheater coming up with excuses, but it's pretty clear that he's not interested in exploring things with you. 

It's best to forget about him. 

thank you for this!

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6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You were just somebody who he fooled around once or twice. I do wonder if his girlfriend even knows they are in an "open relationship" or was it just an excuse he gave you so he could do what he did. 

Anyway, you did good by rejecting a contact after that. You dont need somebody like that in your life. I would ignore him looking at your Instagram as a sign of anything and just move n with your life. Block his cheating ass if it makes it easier for you.

thank you for this and reminding me that i don't need someone like that in my life! and yeah i think i'll just remove him from being able to view my story lol

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53 minutes ago, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

thank you for this and reminding me that i don't need someone like that in my life! and yeah i think i'll just remove him from being able to view my story lol

Good choice, OP. Glad you're deciding to move on from this guy.

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1 hour ago, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

He's 23 and I am 24. And the "open relationship" thing, apparently him and his girlfriend are in one because he lives on the east coast now and his gf lives on the west coast, so they see other people. irdk the extent of their relationship tbh.

That's not an open relationship -he's dating her when they can see each other and they also date others if they feel like it.  If that is true -perhaps she thinks they are exclusive.  An open relationship is when two people are committed and also are permitted to have sex with others and they often have all sorts of rules about how/when/if that can happen. 

There's no thing about "boys" viewing your IG stories- many people view social media for whatever reason under the sun.  Don't read into it particularly since as others posted he is not romantically interested in you.  

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42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not an open relationship -he's dating her when they can see each other and they also date others if they feel like it.  If that is true -perhaps she thinks they are exclusive.  An open relationship is when two people are committed and also are permitted to have sex with others and they often have all sorts of rules about how/when/if that can happen. 

There's no thing about "boys" viewing your IG stories- many people view social media for whatever reason under the sun.  Don't read into it particularly since as others posted he is not romantically interested in you.  

thank you!

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13 hours ago, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

But because of this, he's been on my mind a bit lately and I am just wondering if I should reach out/talk to him? Or should I just wait for him to come to me? Or just let this whole situation go?

I suggest you let it go - you don't want to be messed around by someone like this.  It will NOT end up a good thing for you 😕 .

Be done with him now and pay no more attention,  He's like a player.

Who cares what he's doing or what he's 'viewing' online. Fact is, he's no good.

So, move on now and no, there's no need to be 'friends' with someone you took a liking to - but cannot have.  Just be done . 

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25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I suggest you let it go - you don't want to be messed around by someone like this.  It will NOT end up a good thing for you 😕 .

Be done with him now and pay no more attention,  He's like a player.

Who cares what he's doing or what he's 'viewing' online. Fact is, he's no good.

So, move on now and no, there's no need to be 'friends' with someone you took a liking to - but cannot have.  Just be done . 

thank you! and thank you as well for the beautiful poem and quote! i appreciate it!

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It's possible him and his GF agree not to sleep with others, but ok to hangout with others. In my mind I think he's cheating on his GF, and when it got to the point of having sex he chickened out. He just couldn't do it, feels bad about it, and pretty much put the brakes on to not let it get out of control again. I think he's having his own little tug-o-war. He likes his GF but he is lonely for touch, and attention. Cuddle buddy territory. Not worth your time hum...send him off to the curb. 

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18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's possible him and his GF agree not to sleep with others, but ok to hangout with others. In my mind I think he's cheating on his GF, and when it got to the point of having sex he chickened out. He just couldn't do it, feels bad about it, and pretty much put the brakes on to not let it get out of control again. I think he's having his own little tug-o-war. He likes his GF but he is lonely for touch, and attention. Cuddle buddy territory. Not worth your time hum...send him off to the curb. 

Thank you for this! and yeah he may be going through something, he did tell me that he suffers from some mental health issues. i'll just leave him alone lol

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On 5/26/2022 at 11:02 AM, badbunnysnumberonefan said:

He's 23 and I am 24. ... irdk the extent of their relationship tbh.

I agree with being gentle on yourself. You're at the perfect age to consider, carefully, what you want for yourself going forward.

Get clarity. Decide whether you want to shoot for a committed relationship in your near future.

If so, drop the old messy kid stuff of hooking up with guys in the hope that one might not use you, but rather, view you as someone to couple up with.

Not saying there aren't anecdotal incidences of that happening, but most people who mature into viewing themselves as relationship material tend to look back on that time as a soul crushing experience they had to recover from rather than one that built them up and gave them any kind of confidence.

So once you can clarify what you want, you can behave accordingly, and you'll find it easier to avoid sleeping first, asking questions later--or even attempting to do that.

Head high, and raise your bar.

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On 5/28/2022 at 4:00 PM, catfeeder said:

I agree with being gentle on yourself. You're at the perfect age to consider, carefully, what you want for yourself going forward.

Get clarity. Decide whether you want to shoot for a committed relationship in your near future.

If so, drop the old messy kid stuff of hooking up with guys in the hope that one might not use you, but rather, view you as someone to couple up with.

Not saying there aren't anecdotal incidences of that happening, but most people who mature into viewing themselves as relationship material tend to look back on that time as a soul crushing experience they had to recover from rather than one that built them up and gave them any kind of confidence.

So once you can clarify what you want, you can behave accordingly, and you'll find it easier to avoid sleeping first, asking questions later--or even attempting to do that.

Head high, and raise your bar.

Thank you so much for this! I appreciate the sentiment.

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