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I have a friend who I've known for a long time, maybe 6 years, we go to the same school. I've had a crush on her for 4 years and this year we really started to get close. She is a girl and so am I (we are both lgbtq+). I talked to her everyday for almost 6 months. She'd always give me cute compliments and seek out my attention so I was sure she had a crush on me back. Note: She is Jewish and I have nothing against Jews but was curious if she supported Israel. I am middle eastern and will always back up Palestine so someone supporting Israel is a big no-no for me. When I asked her if she supports Israel she didn't answer my question directly and then didn't respond to me. This led me to believe she supported Israel, as she did not deny it. During the next day at school she ignored me completely, which is very out of the usual for us. I texted her on her bull*** but she instead said that she's angry I would drop her if she supported Israel and called me closed minded. When I responded back she said I hurt her and that she needs space. We did not talk to each other for a month and would actively avoid one another. I, being very impatient and missing her texts asked if we could talk. I do not think I was in the wrong but I've had a crush on her for so long and did not want out friendship to end. I texted her a lengthy apology taking accountability of all the things I said to hurt her, (or what she says I did to hurt her) I admitted to all my "mistakes" and asked if we could not be awkward with each other anymore and hopefully become like how we used to be. She texted back thanking me for what I said but then went on to say that she has family in Israel and that If I wanted to drop her I should. She also did not address the part where she said she would continue being friends with someone even if they were racist and said that it's not fair the way i'm treating her and its unfortunate the way this has played out. I didn't want to drop her. I wanted to rebuild our friendship and I still maybe did have a crush on her. After all, she did say she didn't support a lot of things within Israel itself and didn't support either countries. As long as she doesnt support Israel it was fine with me. I texted her back and she didn't respond. It's been 3 days. I also think she BLOCKED ME? All my texts do not say delivered. I am aware I am down bad for her but she IS SO PRETTY AND KIND. I don't know how to fix this. My school ends next Friday and since I'm still blocked (for some reason) I will not be able to text her. Anyone know how to help and fix this? I know I messed up and did something wrong but is it all my fault?

Edited by sara.aa
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Actually just my opinion is that yes you were wrong because you got along really well with this girl and even wanted something romantic with her, but you started dragging politics into it.

It doesn't feel nice when you're from a certain cultural background and that country is in a war or political conflict and you get accused of supporting it or like it's actually your fault?

I'm actually in the same position myself right now. I'm originally from Russia but I moved to Australia when I was about 12 - 13 years old and have lived here for 25 years. I've had a few people say things to me: "Why did your country/you start the war in Ukraine?" "How's the Ukraine invader today", etc. I really don't appreciate these kinds of comments because I haven't even lived in Russia for a long time and also many Russian people are against the war. And I'm GLBTIQ myself so I don't support Putin.

At the same time, if I was asked: "Do you support Russia?" What am I supposed to say, "No I hate Russia?" It's where I lived as a child and all my family are there so no, I don't hate Russia.

I think your question was also not really phrased well. Maybe if you asked her if she supported the Israeli government or war, that would be different. 

In any case though, if it's a deal breaker for you, no problem, just don't pursue this girl anymore. But I think it's not really your place to make her feel bad that she's Jewish or about things going on between Israel and Palestine.

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Posted (edited)

I agree with Tinydance. IMHO, tolerance is about learning how to coexist respectfully with people whose opinion you vehemently disagree with. I certainly believe you crossed a line here. BTW - I would caution against dating someone whose core values you clash with.

1 hour ago, sara.aa said:

I texted her on her bull*** but she instead said that she's angry I would drop her if she supported Israel

 

Tinydance - I can't believe some people are bashing you solely for being originally from Russia.

Edited by greendots
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2 minutes ago, greendots said:

I agree with Tinydance. IMHO, tolerance is about learning how to coexist respectfully with people who's opinion you vehemently disagree with. I certainly believe you crossed a line here. BTW - I would caution against dating someone whose core values you clash with.

 

Tinydance - I can't believe some people are bashing you solely for being originally from Russia.

Yeah I've had some of these kinds of comments unfortunately, even though maybe some of them were half joking. Also I know Russian people kept being asked: "Why did your country start the war with Ukraine?" And: "Why don't you do something about it?"

I'm just saying this in general, I think when a country's government starts doing something, yes people can protest but often it just doesn't do anything. I don't actually know much about Israeli politics but in some countries it's also not in people's best interests to protest against the government because that could get them or even their loved ones in trouble.

I also think there's a difference between someone who just comes from a certain cultural background and they're just associated from that culture, and actually being an active political supporter of that country. It's not like this girl ever said anything about supporting the war with Palestine, she didn't put up posters or Facebook posts about it I'm guessing. So it's not really fair to imply that if this person doesn't say: "No I don't support Israel",  that it's not OK. If I had a friend or was dating someone and they basically expected me to say I'm against Russia, or else, I'd be like: "Well stuff you" lol 

At the same time it's OK to have your own political beliefs, even strong ones. But that doesn't mean you can have a go at other people for no real reason who might not 100% align with those beliefs.

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1 hour ago, greendots said:

I agree with Tinydance. IMHO, tolerance is about learning how to coexist respectfully with people whose opinion you vehemently disagree with. I certainly believe you crossed a line here. BTW - I would caution against dating someone whose core values you clash with.

^ I also agree with both Tinydance and greendots - you definitely crossed a line here (imo). Yes, it is all your fault.

OP, you can't fix this.  The damage is done and as she has more or less made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you anymore (blocking you), then you respect that, learn from this, and move on.  Best thing to do right now is leave her alone.

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5 hours ago, sara.aa said:

I don't know how to fix this.

You can't. 

You were clear that someone supporting Israel was a deal-breaker for you. She evidently doesn't share your political views, so it all ends here. 

But why is this a problem for you if that is really what you feel and believe? You two are not right for each other if your values conflict at a fundamental level. And yet you seem to be back-pedalling now. 

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5 hours ago, sara.aa said:

 . I am middle eastern and will always back up Palestine so someone supporting Israel is a big no-no for me. 

🙄 Highschool is not the Gaza Strip.

Get a grip on yourself. Leave her alone. You're not compatible. 

Don't bully anyone with your politics. 

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That is why you avoid heavy handed themes. Your Instagram activism ass asked a Jewish girl if she is the supporter of her own country. What did you expect it would happen? 

Avoid politics all together. Most of that stuff and what people are passionate about(even heavy handed stuff) you can find out through regular conversation. And then get your own opinion if you want to be around somebody like that. You dont need to "steer the pot" and make an argument where it shouldnt be one. 

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9 hours ago, sara.aa said:

When I asked her if she supports Israel she didn't answer my question directly and then didn't respond to me. This led me to believe she supported Israel, as she did not deny it. During the next day at school she ignored me completely, which is very out of the usual for us. I texted her on her bull*** but she instead said that she's angry I would drop her if she supported Israel and called me closed minded. When I responded back she said I hurt her and that she needs space. We did not talk to each other for a month and would actively avoid one another. I, being very impatient and missing her texts asked if we could talk. I do not think I was in the wrong but I've had a crush on her for so long and did not want out friendship to end. I texted her a lengthy apology taking accountability of all the things I said to hurt her, (or what she says I did to hurt her) I admitted to all my "mistakes" and asked if we could not be awkward with each other anymore and hopefully become like how we used to be.

You created this situation where you behaved inappropriately and hid behind a screen to do it . I don't care what the particular political stance was  -the way you approached it was completely out of line and also cowardly because you did this in typing.  You might have a crush but you don't care about her as an individual -you are all about your cause and prioritized that over treating an individual with common sense basic respect.  It's nice you apologized but doesn't entitle you to her friendship.  You take the victim as you find them. You hurt her and she has chosen to react by not engaging with you anymore which is her entitlement after being hurt by you.

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12 hours ago, sara.aa said:

As long as she doesnt support Israel it was fine with me. I texted her back and she didn't respond. It's been 3 days. I also think she BLOCKED ME? All my texts do not say delivered. I am aware I am down bad for her but she IS SO PRETTY AND KIND. I don't know how to fix this. My school ends next Friday and since I'm still blocked (for some reason) I will not be able to text her. Anyone know how to help and fix this? I know I messed up and did something wrong but is it all my fault?

She probably senses that you don't accept her views and are too harsh in your expectations for a friendship to ever develop. 

If she has blocked you, there is nothing to fix. It's telling you that you need to stop. That means stop texting her, trying to see her or communicate with her, stop talking about politics and most of all if your views are offensive to her take them somewhere else. It's not appreciated where she's coming from and you will have to accept that. 

Unfortunately it seems you may have misinterpreted PRETTY AND KIND for gullible and weak, of which she is neither. All you can do is take a step back and rethink the way you approach friendships especially if you have strong opposing views. If she wants to ever reach out to you again I'm sure she knows where to find you but at this point, your cue is to stop

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I had a long time friend go heavy handed on me recently with a political comment that I oppose, and I shut the convo right down. And honestly, right now, I just don't feel like dealing with her, and I'm not sure when I will again.

We're all entitled to our views, but if we bludgeon someone else with ours, there are consequences to that, which we may not 'like'.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Good news about talking again.  Just don't make the same mistake twice.  Tread lightly and be careful.  Be mindful, considerate, respectful and kind or next time, you won't be so lucky and she'll drop you permanently.  Behave yourself, be honorable, treat everyone with dignity and you and her will be fine.  Do a reset and be smart.  Don't write nor say anything you'll regret later!

Keep in mind, repeat offenders will not be forgiven.  Apologies don't work repetitively. 

Be emotionally intelligent and have a smooth, pleasant rapport.  Don't get political, never insert strong opinions, don't be controversial and keep things light and polite to be on the safe side. 

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