Rejected During Sex

[fds]

I have been in a committed monogamous heterosexual relationship with my partner for two years which was previously very sexually active. We slowly reduced the frequency we had sex over months to the point where our sex life has disappeared to zero for the last three months. We are still very physically close and still sleep in each other's arms, but no sex. I was the one that withdrew from sex because I was not feeling as emotionally connected to my partner. There have been many months of fighting and feeling isolated on both sides for other reasons. I also felt isolated, and it made me withdraw further when my partner would complain to me that I was "only in the relationship for sex", which is not the case, but contributed to why I withdrew. I failed to communicate to them why I withdrew from physical intimacy.

My partner often complains about our new lack of physical intimacy and remarks to their friends when I am around that if they ever had a relationship without physical intimacy, they would leave. I view this as a passive-aggressive threat, which makes me want to withdraw from them even more.

For the first time in a long time, we recently had penetrative sex, and I withdrew 15 minutes (midway) through without either of us finishing. I used the excuse that they were late to work and should not be late because they feel stressed when they are late to work. On noticing that I had purposely withdrawn, my partner immediately became cold and then angry, leaving the room and asking why we did not finish and asking why I rejected them physically. I continued to tell them that I did not want them to be late to work. They continued to be upset before storming out for work (they gave me a defeated hug before leaving).

Later we discussed the event, and I made it clearer to them that I realized partway through that I was not ready for sex because of the distance I was feeling emotionally and that I needed to build back to it over time. My partner did not understand this explanation and became upset again. My partner noted they felt vulnerable during the sex as they had taken most of their clothes off, and I had only taken off some of mine. My partner said I was "disgusting" and that I rejected them mid-way through sex because I am in a more dominant position of "power" (by initiating sex). I asked my partner if they would have had the same reaction if we had both finished, and they said no. My partner said I should not have started if I only teased them and did not finish.

The whole experience has left me feeling uncomfortable and even more distant from them than ever before. What does the internet think of my actions and role in not communicating enough that I felt uncomfortable continuing sex and wanted to build sexual confidence slowly?

 

Bonus question is can you guess which of us is male or female and should it matter in this context? (my partner believes that it does matter for how each person should behave and react)

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, fds said:

 two years which was. still sleep in each other's arms, but no sex.

How long have you been living together? How old is she?

This is a relationship problem that manifests as a sexual problem.

What are the arguments about? Why are you making the bed a warzone?

Figure out what's wrong in the relationship. Do you both work? Do you both want commitment or marriage?

What was the big rush in living together? Finances? Convenience? Do you co-lease or co-own? Whose place is it?

You mentioned you resent her work schedule. Why is that? 

How long after you moved in together did the sex drop off? Why are t you thwarting her sexually?

[DarkCh0c0]

21 minutes ago, fds said:

without physical intimacy, they would leave. I view this as a passive-aggressive threat, which makes me want to withdraw from them even more.

 

Why not break up with them? You act like you are stuck and have no ability to make your own decisions. Your partner clearly completely disrespects and disregards your needs and feelings.

You obviously don't feel emotionally safe with your partner. You argue, withdraw, ect. This relationship is toxic and the dynamic between you too doesn't sound right. You partner didn't even quietly listen to your needs and try to find a compromise/make efforts on their end. Instead, they turn this in you and make you doubt yourself and feel like you have a problem. That's manipulation.

Can I know your ages? What do you argue about?

[DarkCh0c0]

Also, consider that you have rejected your partner several times sexually, so that is affecting them too.

Why not just accept that this dynamic isn't working out? Sometimes two people can be great separately, but when they start living together/bonding, there is a dynamic that gets formed. Maybe you two are great on paper but don't mesh in real life. The dynamic is unhealthy and not serving you both. Happens all the time.

[Kwothe28]

50 minutes ago, fds said:

Bonus question is can you guess which of us is male or female and should it matter in this context? (my partner believes that it does matter for how each person should behave and react)

 

Since its women who mostly seek emotional connection for sex and respectfully, but I dunno any man who would withdrew mid-act, I am going to guess you are a woman. Though its a highly controversial statement now when everybody is everything lol

Anyway, it really doesnt matter when you are not connecting. You had issues, you didnt worked on them and it left you disconnected and distant. Unless you are both willing to work on it I dont see how this is salvagable. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, fds said:

  my partner believes that it does matter for how each person should behave and react

So you're even arguing about that?

[Batya33]

If the reason you're not having sex is because you feel this emotionally disconnected I'd consider relationship counseling and/or breaking up.  I don't think this is a sex problem -it's just a symptom of the real problem.

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Since its women who mostly seek emotional connection for sex and respectfully, but I dunno any man who would withdrew mid-act, I am going to guess you are a woman.

My ex is a man and he would withdraw mid-act and would also withhold sex from me as punishment. 

But I agree, OP, saying you stopped because your partner would be late for work is an excuse and is, frankly, passive aggressive and a power play.  YOU control the sex, therefore you control the relationship. Why this need for absolute control, and why do you think your partner should go along with your need to dictate your sex life?

And if you feel emotionally disconnected, why stay in the relationship? Are you receiving any counseling to help with these feelings of being disconnected?

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex is a man and he would withdraw mid-act and would also withhold sex from me as punishment. 

 

That is so weird from a guys standpoint xD

I had a lady friend, she for example made a nice observation about that. She said that its silly to withold sex because if you do that, you are also withelding sex from yourself too. So, you are also "punishing" yourself in the process. Unless you are getting it somewhere else lol

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is so weird from a guys standpoint xD

I had a lady friend, she for example made a nice observation about that. She said that its silly to withold sex because if you do that, you are also withelding sex from yourself too. So, you are also "punishing" yourself in the process. Unless you are getting it somewhere else lol

He didn't care about going without. He would rather go without if it meant I got punished.

I'm sure you noticed I refer to him as my EX husband. I don't believe vindictiveness has any place in a love relationship.

[1a1a]

I’d guess the op is a man. 
 

You’d think that either partner could not desire sex in the moment but in my experience the amount of cultural baggage surrounding the sexual rejection of a woman by a man is astronomical. 
 

Dear op, you are absolutely within your rights to change your yes to a no at any time and have that respected. 
 

But giving your partner a misleading reason as to why is an absolute *** move on top of months of withholding sex but still not explaining what the actual problem is. No wonder she (they) got upset!

 

If you love this person and want to be kind to them and want to give the relationship a chance to survive you have to tell them what you told us. 
 

Once they know if they can’t or won’t change the behaviour that hurts you this might not be the relationship for you but until you communicate your struggle, I think you’re the one being an ass. 

[Capricorn3]

When you are no longer emotionally connected to your partner, and reject them during sex etc, then it's time for you both to go your own way (imo).  You are both wasting each other's time and at this point, are incompatible.  Do both of you a great big favor and pack your bags and leave once and for all.

[Rose Mosse]

I think you’re both passive aggressive and harmful to one another.

What’s causing all this emotional disconnect? Focus on bridging that gap and working through your issues. 

It doesn’t matter who is what gender/sex, having a guessing game on a forum. Don’t play games with one another or waste your time with these details. Fix the trust and bond you’d like to have.

[DarkCh0c0]

I hope this isn't a troll post for research...

[luna88]

On 5/25/2022 at 4:23 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Since its women who mostly seek emotional connection for sex and respectfully, but I dunno any man who would withdrew mid-act, I am going to guess you are a woman. 

Unfortunately, this is more common than you would think. My ex withdrew mid way through sex as a power/control thing and I feel it was because he simply didn't care and it hurt me very much on an emotional level that he did that to me. Some men do seek sex for emotional connection too and some men can use this as a weapon. As a woman, who does like sex for the emotional connection.. I can relate to the partner in feeling vulnerable and very hurt. I probably would've reacted similarly. I would've been so hurt that it would have made it hard to even hug them goodbye even. I can understand from both men and women if sex was already started and the person changes their mind I can definitely see how it would make the other partner feel taken advantage and hurt. It's more than just simply rejection behind the hurt. 

I think that in this situation, even if it wasn't intentional that the withdrawal from sex was a control thing... The bigger issue is taking a good deep look at the reasons why you don't feel emotionally connected to your partner. If you really really want to work things out then you two need to seriously consider counseling to work out the problems that are leading to the emotional disconnect and work really hard on rebuilding the trust and the connection. All of the issues and the need to rebuild is first and foremost in order to have a healthy sexual relationship and connection. If the problems are just too big and there are too many differences and if you don't feel connected and in love enough to be motivated to fix this then please do both of you a favor and end things.

[catfeeder]

On 5/25/2022 at 2:59 AM, fds said:

I failed to communicate to them why I withdrew from physical intimacy.

Why? Explaining how you felt and asking how the two of you might team up to work this through together might have precluded you from going retaliatory with your cruel sex stunt.

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Bonus question is can you guess which of us is male or female and should it matter in this context? (my partner believes that it does matter for how each person should behave and react)

Why play games with a bunch of strangers instead of investing in your parter's feelings as a model for having your own feelings respected and honored?

You're creating distractions, why? Go address your vulnerable stuff with your partner, and stop trying to 'win'. See how well you can help your RELATIONSHIP get a win, and then random Internet opinions won't be important to either of you.