Jump to content

My Husband makes me hate myself


Recommended Posts

I am 26 F my husband is 28 M. We have been together 12 years we are best friends and rarely ever even argue. The other day he basically told me how unattractive I was and gave me a checklist of things to do on a regular basis. I need to be more attractive for him so he doesn’t leave me. He said so many hateful things I’ve never hated myself so much. I have no idea if he’s allowed to tell me what to do to this degree. I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. Background is I do absolutely everything for him cook all meals all cleaning. I even lay out his clothes and take care of every single financial aspect and planning. I do work full time. I make an effort at least a couple times a week to put on makeup and something sexy. I never ever ever say no to sex and we usually are intimate at least every other day. I can’t stop replaying all the things he said to me over and over again. I have no appetite I only eat when he’s here and I’m forced to. I can’t believe the only person who matters to me the most is constantly judging me and only can see anything he deems negative. Never appreciates anything I do I couldn’t imagine not having to put in effort into every little detail of our life life like he does. My chest hurts I can’t sleep and I can’t look myself in the mirror I hate myself so much. All I’ve ever wanted to do is make him happy and he thinks I’m ugly and pathetic and must have these thoughts constantly. I feel like I’m more of property it never matters what I actually want I just need to do what I have to so he’s happy. Please if anyone has anything to say I feel so empty inside I’m so depressed.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, hellothere26 said:

Background is I do absolutely everything for him cook all meals all cleaning. I even lay out his clothes and take care of every single financial aspect and planning.

Why do you do all of this? You are behaving like his mom, not his wife. What does he do to contribute? He isn't a child. Surely he is capable of choosing his own clothes and helping out around the house. 

I ask because the dynamic between you already sounds a little off, and the marriage seems one-sided (based on what you have shared here) How long have you been breaking your back for him? 

3 hours ago, hellothere26 said:

I need to be more attractive for him so he doesn’t leave me.

This is terrible. Full stop. Does he normally treat you so poorly and disrespectfully? That is not how a best friend behaves, let alone a decent husband.

3 hours ago, hellothere26 said:

am 26 F my husband is 28 M. We have been together 12 years

So, you have been together since you were a child of 14 years old. He is all you know. This is not usually a good thing, as it can signal a lack of growth as an adult who knows herself and has had other formative experiences in her life. It could also mean he's outgrown and is checking out the marriage - and being a total jack-hole in the process.  I too wonder if he's already got his eye on someone else and is now comparing you to her. 

I am very sorry you're in this position. I would advise you to seek legal counsel (and do not tell him you are doing so) in case he decided he wants out of the marriage. You need to know what you are entitled to, in the event of a separation. Also, I would strongly recommend some professional counselling to help you navigate this. You are going to need to some good support. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

So your man:

- does not respect you

- belittles you

- makes fun of you

- uses you and does not treat you as an equal partner (does not share household chores, forces sex ect.)

- doesn't make efforts to please you

- doesn't value you

- criticises you and doesn't encourage you to be yourself and your own best person

- takes you for granted

- "forces" you into things aka doesn't care about your feelings or existence except when it comes to his own selfish needs.

So You're basically his slave roommate. What's to not get depressed about? I'm really sorry it's like this.

I think you should start by consulting a lawyer privately and confidentially. See your options to divorce, and move out. It's important not to "talk" about this with your husband as he is manipulative and would say anything so that you stay. He gets to have the benefits of the gf (you) without lifting a finger and while oppressing you. It'll be hard to find another woman to put up with his ***, and so talking about it will not help you.

Also, can you get back in touch with friends/family? Any colleague you are in touch with? He probably worked on indirectly isolating you from your loved ones to make you feel like you don't have supporters to leave.

Here's a quiz you might want to reflect on: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?>

Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this and he is not in any way justified to treat you the way he does. Healthy love is far from this, and staying with him is doing you more harm than good. I know it's scary, but it'll be worth it. Write more of it helps.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, hellothere26 said:

I have no idea if he’s allowed to tell me what to do to this degree.

Ofcourse he is not allowed to tell you those stuff. However, you allowed him to treat you in this way. You pampered him so much he lost all respect for you and takes you for granted. There is no challenge, even when he treats you like a crap, you are always there. No conesequences of his actions as, you dont do anything about it. Do you think he really cares that you cry and cant eat? As long as you act like his servant? We often kid ourselves how, if we do all this stuff, the other side would appreciate it and would have respect toward us. Sadly, in a real world, it doesnt happen like that. "People-pleasers" are not respected. Simply because people dont respect somebody who they can do whatever they want with. Without the other side even saying "No". 

As he doesnt have a basic respect for you(and probably eyeing or already with somebody else as he did very specific demands), you need to leave. Appreciate yourself more and say that you deserve better. You have a full time job so I trust that it wont be that difficult to go independent. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, hellothere26 said:

I am 26 F my husband is 28 M. We have been together 12 years . I feel like I’m more of property .

Sorry this is happening. You've been together since you were 14? How long have you been married? Were you a child bride or was this an arranged marriage?

Tell trusted friends and family about the abuse. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do Not tell him.

Privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney and start planning your departure from this.

Immediately stop jumping through his hoops. Stop acting like a pet he gives commands to. Distance yourself. Stop sleeping with him.

Make your goal getting out of this nightmare, not wearing sexy clothes, etc.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agree with all the others. How many of the 12 years has he been treating you in this way?  Can you think of what you found attractive or beneficial in this type of treatment? How is your self worth? What would happen if today you did not do his laundry or prepare meals for him? Or if you chose to send his laundry out to a service that either delivers or he can go pick it up?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wonder if the next thing he'll 'demand' is to date and sleep with other women. He might claim he "missed out" since he's been with you since he was a teenager and he "deserves" to experience other women. This, of course, will not apply to you.

Has he said anything like this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, hellothere26 said:

I am 26 F my husband is 28 M. We have been together 12 years we are best friends and rarely ever even argue. The other day he basically told me how unattractive I was and gave me a checklist of things to do on a regular basis. I need to be more attractive for him so he doesn’t leave me. He said so many hateful things I’ve never hated myself so much. I have no idea if he’s allowed to tell me what to do to this degree. I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. Background is I do absolutely everything for him cook all meals all cleaning. I even lay out his clothes and take care of every single financial aspect and planning. I do work full time. I make an effort at least a couple times a week to put on makeup and something sexy. I never ever ever say no to sex and we usually are intimate at least every other day. I can’t stop replaying all the things he said to me over and over again. I have no appetite I only eat when he’s here and I’m forced to. I can’t believe the only person who matters to me the most is constantly judging me and only can see anything he deems negative. Never appreciates anything I do I couldn’t imagine not having to put in effort into every little detail of our life life like he does. My chest hurts I can’t sleep and I can’t look myself in the mirror I hate myself so much. All I’ve ever wanted to do is make him happy and he thinks I’m ugly and pathetic and must have these thoughts constantly. I feel like I’m more of property it never matters what I actually want I just need to do what I have to so he’s happy. Please if anyone has anything to say I feel so empty inside I’m so depressed.

 

You can't change him so think about your options. Of course you know the reason why he belittles you is because he is afraid of you gaining momentum in whatever you're doing or the fact that you take care of all the finances and planning. You do the cooking and likely know everything there is to run that home. Meanwhile he brings home the money and takes out his frustrations and insecurities on you. This is a little man in a grown up's body.

It's also emotionally abusive for him to be treating you like property or an object to be used and discarded. Suggesting that you need to be more attractive is his problem because he doesn't find you attractive but is too myopic to address the issue as a couple. Instead he blames you or has you alone change what you're doing or bear the burden of feeling like you need to be the only one to change.

Reconsider your views of what marriage means. Isolating you from people such as friends and family and treating you this way are classic abuser traits. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...