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What is wrong with me


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I am sure some of you will remember my posts about my ex who broke up with me so badly and then wanted me back just like that but then he got nasty every single time it didnt go the way he wanted it.  The consensus is and i truly believe this now that he is a narcissist and nothing he has said was ever true.  So why do i get upset when i see him around, which he tries to do regularly to make sure i see him.  my biggest fear is seeing him with someone else....why why why?  why am i so scared of this? it makes no sense after all he has done to me and what he was actually like when we was even together?  After some of your advice i have started counselling to work on my low self esteem as to why i even thought this guy was so great and this has helped me believe what everyone else has been telling me about him, but i do not know how to stop myself from feeling so sad and i want to know how i can hold my head high, even if i do see him with someone else, and not let him hurt me because that is now all he has left to hurt me with and i know he will use it as soon as he can.  

Has anyone gone through something similar and how did you over come it?  i know i shouldnt be worried at all at seeing him with someone else but i loved him so so much despite what he turned out to do to me, but my feelings for her were very real and strong so when i see him it still hurts.  it hurts that he could have treated me this way, it hurts that he is over there laughing and acting like he is such a great guy when he is not.  How do i turn these feelings off?  

I dont want him back, i hate him for what he did so why am i so scared of seeing him with someone else and why do i get upset all over again when i do see him around?  Can anyone help me make sense of this crap?

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Smackie mentioned something worthwhile in your previous thread or what I think is quite relevant. You may have PTSD from being with someone who used to gaslight you or make you feel crazy in the relationship. Have you sought counselling or therapy or additional support?

I went through something similar and we were married. Nothing fazes me now after what I’ve seen and been through. Find the support that you need and continue adding perspective to these fears each time you feel triggered. He cannot hurt you anymore. You alone decide who you have closest to you in your world and he preserves his autonomy. Let go of anger and vindictiveness. He can see whomever he wants and it’s his life. Nothing to do with you anymore.

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It was a traumatic relationship. And you haven't fully moved on.

Have you been seeing a good therapist? Tried out new activities to fill the void?

It's okay to have these feelings. The importance is not to act on them. It was a tough time for you and part of you may have wished it didn't go the way it did. Once you start being happy by yourself and love yourself more, you will move on to better options and seriously not give a *** about him.

Takes time and self-care. You will get there.

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5 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

i do not know how to stop myself from feeling so sad and i want to know how i can hold my head high, even if i do see him with someone else, and not let him hurt me because that is now all he has left to hurt me with and i know he will use it as soon as he can.  

It all takes time..

Time to work on your healing.  To recover and be okay again.

I say it's part of trauma-bonding.  You were still emotionally attached so it can be very hard to turn that all around, walk away etc.

Is good you feel some 'hate' now.  He is a nasty person & you know this now..

One thing that helped me along ( with some hate for how I was treated by them), was to think.. 'Hey, he'll treat them the same way in time - let them experience his crap'.

That way, I felt better knowing, in time I would be proven correct and it's not just 'all in my head'.  The guy is nasty!

Don't be jealous.. because this guy isn't worth it!  You will come to see this soon enough 😉 .

Believe - that you will come to feel less & less for him and eventually be done with all of it!  - Give it time-

Meanwhile, keep working on YOU ❤️ .

You are deserving of good things.. respect yourself & be kind to yourself as you heal.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

You were a victim, noticed I said WERE a victim but even though you are no longer victimized by him just seeing him is a hard thing.  This isn't because you are weak or broken, this is because you are human and have feelings unlike him.  It is okay to have the feeling but just as quickly as it came on let it go.  If you were doing great just before you saw him why can't you be great moments later?  Tell yourself this: "That sucked seeing him but I will no longer allow the sight or thought of him ruin my life" 

 Why are you scared of seeing him with someone else?  It is simple, FEAR is why.  You have no idea how you will react, how you will feel or what will happen so you are fearful of the unknown.  If you knew all those things you wouldn't be afraid even if they sucked because you would know you would be okay in the end.

 This is the key, knowing you will be okay no matter what you see, what you feel or who you run into.  You will be okay.

 Look at it this way.  You survived all his crap for all that time and are now stronger for it so just seeing him is really nothing in comparison.  We all fear the unknown and our minds almost always makes it to be so much more than it really turns out to be so have faith in yourself, you made it this far and I am sure you will continue down a good path towards happiness.

Keep posting, it helps to write it out

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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I think you lack self confidence and you're insecure with all due respect.  You're experiencing a process which takes time to heal.  

Shift your thinking.

In the past, whenever I felt the way you currently do, I pitied the poor soul and should he be with someone else, in your mind (or aloud), say, "Good riddance!  Better her than me!"  Consider yourself fortunate and lucky that you escaped a dysfunctional, toxic relationship.  Be glad you didn't waste anymore time, energy and resources on a guy who wasn't worth it.  Transform your confusion into "gratitude" and thank your lucky stars that you've since fled!

Replace your hurts and pain with a new power of positive thinking.  This is your chance to start anew and feel relieved that peace is in your life.  You're no longer required to tolerate obnoxiously rude and disrespectful behavior.  Be kind to yourself.

Turn your hurtful feelings off by feeling relieved and glad that you got rid of him! 

Your relationship was not all in vain and not a complete waste.  Consider it a lesson learned and wisdom gained.  You no longer have patience for unacceptable behavior. 

From now on, you will prioritize the quality of a man's character above all else and anything less is an automatic reject. 

Bad experiences causes you to afford to become more picky and choosy in the future. 

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17 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

I dont want him back, i hate him for what he did so why am i so scared of seeing him with someone else and why do i get upset all over again when i do see him around?  Can anyone help me make sense of this crap?

It's normal to feel this way. You're human. You have feelings. There's nothing 'wrong' with you.

You are in a much better place now than you were then. But you were hurt, and you're still healing. 

It's similar to having a bruise or a cut, and you have to tend to it in a similar way. It takes time to heal completely. That is all. All you have to do is be patient and show yourself some kindness.

 

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