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How to stop thinking about someone I can't have and who I work with


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I've worked with a woman at my place of work for around six months. Unfortunately, she is in a long term relationship with another one of are co-workers. 

We get on really well and have a great chemistry but I am over reading everything she does, when I see her being affectionate towards her partner it's causing me emotional distress and I can't stop thinking about her and trying to read into her actions. 

I know I've let myself get into this situation by entertaining the idea of it but I have the issue of having to see her regularly and on occasions work directly with her for upto 12 hours.

How do I go about detaching my emotions from her and handle the situation in my place of work?

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Well, be gentle with yourself firstly as you can't control emotions. You can however choose your actions so choose wisely in your own best interests. 

Remember that the workplace isn't a social gathering and stay focused on your work. Are you bored or underutilizing your time? Re-evaluate your work tasks and speak to your boss if you're looking for a promotion and what you need to do in order to get there. You may be discovering that you are not maximizing your potential at work or perhaps want to make more of your career. You're not thinking of work as a work place and that's your problem.

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34 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Well, be gentle with yourself firstly as you can't control emotions. You can however choose your actions so choose wisely in your own best interests. 

Remember that the workplace isn't a social gathering and stay focused on your work. Are you bored or underutilizing your time? Re-evaluate your work tasks and speak to your boss if you're looking for a promotion and what you need to do in order to get there. You may be discovering that you are not maximizing your potential at work or perhaps want to make more of your career. You're not thinking of work as a work place and that's your problem.

Thanks Rose,

I feel like it's not good for me to be around her but I'm not looking to make anything happen so I don't want to have to tell her about how I'm feeling.

It's a large company we work for, but we both have expertise in the same area so it's inevitable that we will be working directly with each other on occasions. 

In your opinion what do you think I should do next time we get placed together? 

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10 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

Thanks Rose,

I feel like it's not good for me to be around her but I'm not looking to make anything happen so I don't want to have to tell her about how I'm feeling.

It's a large company we work for, but we both have expertise in the same area so it's inevitable that we will be working directly with each other on occasions. 

In your opinion what do you think I should do next time we get placed together? 

Focus on the work and don’t chit chat about personal matters. If she asks you questions about yourself remain pleasant and professional but redirect the focus to your work. 

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2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Focus on the work and don’t chit chat about personal matters. If she asks you questions about yourself remain pleasant and professional but redirect the focus to your work. 

I have the next week off so I am going to get myself right mentally & emotionally and then do my best to keep distance at work and will look to cut the chatting down. I also need to stop analysing her behaviour and getting my hopes up and just accept that we're not aligned romantically. 

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

n your opinion what do you think I should do next time we get placed together? 

Nothing, really. Just focus on your work and keep conversations professional. 

Your week off will be a good opportunity to reset and untangle your feelings. The crush will fade, but be patient with yourself. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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It's ok to have a crush. However that's all it is.

Are  you in a relationship? That's the best place to start.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Make friends, meet new people.

This fantasy is filling a void, so you need to fill the void in real life by rounding out your social life and dating life.

 

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9 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

I have the next week off so I am going to get myself right mentally & emotionally and then do my best to keep distance at work and will look to cut the chatting down. I also need to stop analysing her behaviour and getting my hopes up and just accept that we're not aligned romantically. 

Good. It seems you already know what to do. Keep it light and cordial at work, leave details about your personal life (life outside of work) private. Learn to volley the conversation and switch subjects. She may sense a growing distance and that’s fine. Remain professional at work and no other details about your personal life. 

Don’t start dating anyone else until you’ve cooled off and established some good boundaries. This is a good exercise overall. When you feel better then start dating outside of work.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush. However that's all it is.

Are  you in a relationship? That's the best place to start.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Make friends, meet new people.

This fantasy is filling a void, so you need to fill the void in real life by rounding out your social life and dating life.

 

I'm not in a relationship right now, to be honest I wasn't really looking for one this year but I think my lack of contact with other women recently has probably meant me getting to attached to the fantasy of this workmate of mine, so I will look into dating apps and see how that goes. 

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Quote

How to stop thinking about someone I can't have and who I work with

That is easy. Start thinking about somebody you actually can have and who you dont work with.

Jokes aside

2 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

I'm not in a relationship right now, to be honest I wasn't really looking for one this year but I think my lack of contact with other women recently has probably meant me getting to attached to the fantasy of this workmate of mine, so I will look into dating apps and see how that goes. 

I think its nice that you can reflect like this and can see that you got attached to a fantasy about some coworker who is already taken. But you need to do some work. That means not thinking about unavailable girls and actually be prolific and try to find ways to meet some available girls. I would avoid dating apps, try to be more real world connected and maybe hit some singles bars or even enroll to some courses that interest you and where you can meet somebody new.

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13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is easy. Start thinking about somebody you actually can have and who you dont work with.

Jokes aside

I think its nice that you can reflect like this and can see that you got attached to a fantasy about some coworker who is already taken. But you need to do some work. That means not thinking about unavailable girls and actually be prolific and try to find ways to meet some available girls. I would avoid dating apps, try to be more real world connected and maybe hit some singles bars or even enroll to some courses that interest you and where you can meet somebody new.

I'm having second thoughts about the dating apps, I will possibly look at going out to meet new people. In all honesty I've felt a bit of a mess today so I think I just need to clear my head before I start making any decisions on that front. 

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32 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

I'm having second thoughts about the dating apps, I will possibly look at going out to meet new people. In all honesty I've felt a bit of a mess today so I think I just need to clear my head before I start making any decisions on that front. 

I’m sorry to hear this and I agree. Take your time. Don’t feel pressed.

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  • 2 months later...

You detach yourself by knowing that people are not what they seem.  You've only observed how people are in public.  They're different privately including their dark, bad sides to their personality and character which they do not display and demonstrate to you.  When you have a rather jaded and wary view of people and the world, you realize this sobering reality check.  Experience teaches you not to trust what you see because it's not everything.  It's what you don't know that is very unpleasant and disdainful.

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