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Ex visiting from out of town


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I broke up with my ex over half a year ago, and we still keep in touch as friends. She now lives and works out of town.

It's her birthday coming up soon and she's coming to visit town. (She came to visit town before and we met up for coffee..) Her friends are booking a restaurant for her birthday and my ex is also inviting me if I want to come. I don't really keep in touch with her friends, but they all know me.

At first, I was thinking of going to her birthday event, but now I think it's going to be awkward.. especially because it's her birthday, things might get emotional, people will be taking photos, etc.. So I'm thinking of not going, but meeting her before the event to catch up..

What are your thoughts on this?

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Speaking for myself only, I would not attend the birthday event. For me, once an Ex, stays an Ex and I move on (but that's just me).   If you two are still friends and civil to one another, I guess seeing her for a coffee another time (if you are comfortable with that) should be alright.

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Its a weird situation, but its something you created. You agreed to stay friend. That means if you are still close, that even birthdays are not off-limits. Its her birthday so, she would want you there. Maybe she hopes for reconciliation(you said you broke up so maybe she is still stuck there) or just feels close enough as a friend, but, its her wish for you to be there.

Its weird because its kinda close to break up. Its even weirder if one or both of you moved on and found somebody else. Creates a lot of unwanted situations. But again, you both stayed friendly. If you dont feel comfortable with going, meet her before the event and give her present or even just go,  congratulate, leave present, say that you cant stay long and go after an hour.

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Yeah, I doubt I'd even agree to meet for a coffee before hand.  IF you are still reeling over this - I'm amazed you feel you can manage being 'friends'?

Do you feel it may be best for your own good to just say thanks, but no?

And keep moving on.

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No, I would not go. 

You two are not a couple anymore. It is going to be too awkward for you to attend a birthday party for her, and yes, it will likely hurt you. 

Ask yourself this: What would be the purpose of meeting up at all? Are you two actively trying to work things out, or are you just in this nebulous Friend Zone hoping to get her back? At some point, you will need to draw a boundary for yourself. Being friends with an ex is complicated, and doesn't usually work for most people. Sooner or later, someone's feelings get hurt. 

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, MoreClarity said:

So I'm thinking of not going, but meeting her before the event to catch up..

 How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Does she have a new BF?

After 6 mos., It's time to let go.

Are you dating anyone? If not, it's because you're way too chummy with this ex. If so, are you bringing her to this party?

Yes, it's awkward so just decline.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

I am married to my ex fiancee.  I don't think I would have gone had this been my situation -we kept in touch very sporadically over the 7-8 years we were broken up - maybe 3 emails a year -mostly impersonal -more emails when my cousin died who he'd known.  Same when his grandmother died.  One quick dinner.  Platonic.

But a bday event with all of the friends who I'd known -that would have been overwhelming in a bad way and awkward -not emotional in that sense you wrote about but pushing beyond appropriate boundaries.  In fact after we got back together it was at least a month or more I think till we saw either of our friends as a couple.  

I've stayed friendly with several exes and so has my husband. I don't have a bright line rule at all.  But even if it's possible to reconcile I'd still skip this sort of event.  If she wasn't coming to town you two wouldn't celebrate even over facetime, right?

Edited by Batya33
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7 hours ago, MoreClarity said:

we still keep in touch as friends. I'm thinking of not going, but meeting her before the event to catch up..

Keep the past in the past. Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Make new friends, date new people.

Is this the same woman?:

 

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I wanted to add I think it's odd you're invited.  When my ex and I were broken up I ran into a friend of his -a woman.  She wanted to keep in touch.  We had things in common including work wise.  I asked my ex about it and he said he preferred we did not.  So I didn't.  He was right -was better to keep all of that separate even if we were on good terms and emailed a few times a year.

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I  have an ex husband and I hadn't heard from him hin  in over 30 years, which was fine with me. One day I got an email from him asking how my life had been.  A mutual friend had given him my email address.

I wrote back and said I was fine and asked how he was.  He told me about his life, briefly, and sent a couple of photos of his house.  That was the end of it.  We established we were both still alive and that was enough.

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On 5/22/2022 at 6:13 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Keep the past in the past. Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Make new friends, date new people.

Is this the same woman?:

 

 

@Wiseman2 Yes, it is the same woman.

I broke up with her, but we still talk on messenger. Whenever we meet (when she comes to town occasionally) we tend to get touchy-feely, even though we are not together anymore.

I realize that perhaps I'm not good at setting boundaries. I'm not dating anyone else right now, want to take a break and be single for some time.. so maybe that's why I'm letting this happen.

 

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7 hours ago, MoreClarity said:

 

@Wiseman2 Yes, it is the same woman.

I broke up with her, but we still talk on messenger. Whenever we meet (when she comes to town occasionally) we tend to get touchy-feely, even though we are not together anymore.

I realize that perhaps I'm not good at setting boundaries. I'm not dating anyone else right now, want to take a break and be single for some time.. so maybe that's why I'm letting this happen.

 

I would not go unless you are going as her date because you want to get back together.  These gray areas aren't healthful for either of you.  

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  • 1 month later...
On 5/21/2022 at 11:22 PM, MoreClarity said:

I broke up with my ex over half a year ago, and we still keep in touch as friends. She now lives and works out of town.

It's her birthday coming up soon and she's coming to visit town. (She came to visit town before and we met up for coffee..) Her friends are booking a restaurant for her birthday and my ex is also inviting me if I want to come. I don't really keep in touch with her friends, but they all know me.

At first, I was thinking of going to her birthday event, but now I think it's going to be awkward.. especially because it's her birthday, things might get emotional, people will be taking photos, etc.. So I'm thinking of not going, but meeting her before the event to catch up..

What are your thoughts on this?

I think if you are in a committed relationship at the time of this birthday dinner you better either not go or go and invite your SO.

I would hit the roof if my BF wanted to go to his ex's birthday dinner unless of course they had kids together or something but I would hit the roof even more if he told me I wasn't invited.

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