My wife and my friend have been seeing each other

[Jade_12]

My friend's wife figured it out and told me about it, I confronted my person and she said it was true. I said you have to cut off everything now if we are to have a chance.  She then presented me with a list of grievances and stated that was the one that needed to comply first for us to have a chance. 

Long story short we agreed she would leave the house for a trial separation.  Seems like this is common from reading the boards. 

That's is for now, 

Jaden

 

[Batya33]

If she responds with a list of grievances I'd consult an attorney/file for divorce.

[Andrina]

I advise against giving cheaters second chances. Their ethics stink. There is never a good reason to cheat. Mentally healthy people end a relationship before beginning a new one. How on earth can someone say they love you and do one of the most extremely hurtful things a person can do? You can't believe anything they say, and they're just fine doing horrible things behind your back.

[DarkCh0c0]

9 hours ago, Jade_12 said:

She then presented me with a list of grievances and stated that was the one that needed to comply first for us to have a chance. 

So she made you feel guilty and as if you are the bad guy AND as if she's justified in her behaviour.

Don't put up with this BS. Consult an attorney and get the ball rolling. Cheating is a deal breaker and it breaks the foundation of any relationship. Can you trust she won't do it again? Can you trust her honesty? You wouldn't have even known if it wasn't for the friend coming clean!!

You don't deserve this. Someone who loves you would never dare to cheat on you and disregard your existence. And if she wanted to work on this, she would have skipped the cheating and either talked to you about your relationship or asked for divorce herself.

Don't put up with this man.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you have a question?

It sounds like there are a lot of pre-existing issues between the two of you.

A trial separation rarely works in reconciliation but it seems like it's either separate or risk making the situation worse by remaining under the same roof. Have arguments escalated or become volatile or violent before? 

Do you have children? 

 

[Jade_12]

Rose: 

Yes we have pre-existing issues with both of us, for me, I used to work 60 to 80 hours a week and travel quite a bit, was not emotionally present. She always voiced displeasure with the lack of attention. 

I justified my actions because I am very good at what I do and this gave her a very nice lifestyle.

We have no children.  We are both professional and do not really argue and certainly do not raise our voices at each other. 

Jaden

[Lambert]

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

I advise against giving cheaters second chances. Their ethics stink. There is never a good reason to cheat. Mentally healthy people end a relationship before beginning a new one. How on earth can someone say they love you and do one of the most extremely hurtful things a person can do? You can't believe anything they say, and they're just fine doing horrible things behind your back.

Well said, Andrina.

OP, this person when presented with cheating on their spouse, responded with their grievances! 

That's rich. This person is not a good one. 

Since there aren't any kids, I'd divorce this person, leave them with nothing (cheating is grounds for divorce) never speak to her or your so called friend again.  

Sorry this happened but seems like something you can recover from and find a better, happier life in the future.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Jade_12 said:

she said it was true. She then presented me with a list of grievances and stated that was the one that needed to comply first for us to have a chance. we agreed she would leave the house for a trial separation.

Sorry this happened. Nothing justifies cheating.

She can take her list of grievances to her attorney. Don't cave to emotional blackmail.

You can consult an attorney for advice on your situation if you decide to divorce.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Jade_12 said:

Rose: 

Yes we have pre-existing issues with both of us, for me, I used to work 60 to 80 hours a week and travel quite a bit, was not emotionally present. She always voiced displeasure with the lack of attention. 

I justified my actions because I am very good at what I do and this gave her a very nice lifestyle.

We have no children.  We are both professional and do not really argue and certainly do not raise our voices at each other. 

Jaden

It's no one's decision but yours and your wife's on whether to divorce or begin filing. Do speak with a lawyer. It's usually around this time that no one thinks of retaining a lawyer for divorce but you're better off having that information far more in advance than later on down the line.

Did either of you discuss the deteriorating marriage and lack of meaningful time together before it came to this? Cheating is obviously not the answer but both of you chose your own means to avoid the marriage issues.

[smackie9]

You both ever consider counseling in all the years you two have been together? 

[Seraphim]

I would speak with a lawyer about divorce and ditch the friend as well because the friend is no friend. 

[Coily]

Give the list of grievances to the lawyer, get the "friend's" wife to make a statement for the lawyer (if possible) and save every text, email, or take notes of every communication. You need to be ready to go to the hilt if you want to go for a divorce. Even though she was the disrespectful cheater, you need to ensure you have all the evidence possible.

 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Coily said:

Give the list of grievances to the lawyer, get the "friend's" wife to make a statement for the lawyer (if possible) and save every text, email, or take notes of every communication. You need to be ready to go to the hilt if you want to go for a divorce. Even though she was the disrespectful cheater, you need to ensure you have all the evidence possible.

 

That'll only be helpful if they live in a state where "fault" needs to be determined in order for a divorce to be granted. Where I live it's a "no fault" state where I just needed to file citing irreconcilable differences.

[lostandhurt]

So having been in your shoes I can speak from experience.

 Her actions when caught show just how little she cares or respects you or the marriage.  She is done and has turned her emotional connection to her bf. With your history she has built a wall up in her mind to keep out any feelings for you so you will always be the bad guy and the terrible husband because it is so much easier to cheat and justify it in her head when you are the monster.  She is the victim in her story...

  It is very good she left the home and of course you know she is going to go right to her bf.  He on the other hand will probably beg and plea with his wife to not divorce him.  You see to her it was romantic and exciting, to him it was some other dudes wife he was banging.  Chances are he will reject her now that she is free because he is afraid of losing all his money and stuff.

 While she is out of the house it is time to get to work.  I know you think or hope this can be saved but the patient died a long time ago in your wife's heart and mind and there is no good way back from this. Are you ready to get to work to protect yourself?

 Lost

[Andrina]

On 5/18/2022 at 8:39 AM, Jade_12 said:

I used to work 60 to 80 hours a week and travel quite a bit, was not emotionally present. She always voiced displeasure with the lack of attention. 

I don't think you really cared as much as you thought you did, because you would have taken steps toward improving the situation. Her request was reasonable. 

When you didn't work to come to a consensus and failed to meet her needs, she should have ended the relationship instead of cheating.

Hard lessons learned. The only thing you can do now is to practice a better work/home-life balance so a future relationship will have better success.

[lavender899]

On 5/17/2022 at 10:50 PM, Jade_12 said:

My friend's wife figured it out and told me about it, I confronted my person and she said it was true. I said you have to cut off everything now if we are to have a chance.  She then presented me with a list of grievances and stated that was the one that needed to comply first for us to have a chance. 

Long story short we agreed she would leave the house for a trial separation.  Seems like this is common from reading the boards. 

That's is for now, 

Jaden

 

I dont see the point of a trial separation.

Cheating should be a deal breaker 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm amazed at how they like to play "the victim."  Maybe it helps them sleep at night?  🙄

In short, I'm sorry you're having to go through this.  I hopeyou find your way.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'm amazed at how they like to play "the victim."  Maybe it helps them sleep at night?  🙄

 

Lots of people lacks basic accountability. To her, he is at fault for neglecting her because he worked so much so they could have a great lifestyle. So that "justifies" her cheating with his friend. Because she "deserves happiness" or whatever they say to themselves. I mean, what kind of a bad people you need to be to sleep with your husband friend and vice versa, with your friends wife? But they are never "bad guys" in their own head.

Anyway, OP, lawyer up. She agreed to leave home but if she had the whole list of grievances who knows what list she would pull up for divorce settlement. And dunno if her cheating would be taken into consideation there.