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How to manage the future


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I recently split with my long term partner (about 4 months ago) of 7 years, and in the past 6 weeks have started seeing another girl, who i currently work with.

Things have been going really well, there is some distance between us in terms of where we both live (about an hour or so), however there will be some changing circumstances in the coming few weeks which i want to make sure i handle in the best way possible.

In a month or so she will be starting a different job at a new organisation (one of which is slightly further away from where we are now), and has also been advised by her landlord that she will need to vacate her property in the next 3 months, so will be looking for somewhere else to live.

Although we have both said to each other what we have going on is completly informal and at present we have said our situation has no strings attached, we have also both said we really like each other. I wouldnt want to stop seeing her unless I had to, or unless either she or I changed our minds.

Ideally I want to make sure I do the right things and also support her with the changing circumstances over the next few weeks in the right way, to give us the best chance of keeping things going.

I thought about posting on a forum for some advice about things i can think about/say/or do to help and what to avoid doing/saying to hopefully not jeopardize anything!

any help would be appreciated, thank you

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In a 6 week informal dating relationship there is no you supporting her other than be there as a person who is interested in listening to her share about her day, her situation etc.  as she, an adult, makes choices on her own about her changing circumstances. 

Be supportive by being thoughtful about her financial situation -meaning don't plan expensive outings if money is going to be a little tight for her (but sounds like she will be employed), offer to let her know about places where she can live that are available -what you'd do for any friend.  Listen to her if she vents about how stressful it is to find a new place to live.  Perhaps help her with packing/moving, setting up her new place with wifi, whatever.

If you two get more serious over the next year or so perhaps you'll start talking about your future together.  Make plans to commit based on your bond, not her changing circumstances.

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What is "slightly further away"? If she changes place is it realistic for you two to see each other? Did you depended a lot on that you are working together so you could see each other so now when she changes place of work would it be possible to see each other or not? There are a lot of factors you need to think about.

I always say "if there is a will there is a way". However, after only 6 weeks(or as Wiseman says "42 days" 😁) are you both willing to make that sacrifice? You both need to be willing to hold relationship despite new circumstances. Something even couples with more kilometrage(or as Americans say "mileage") could not been able to. 

So think good and hard is it realistic and are you willing to do it before you commit to something like this.

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You shouldn't have to do anything, it should be up to her because she is the one making changes. Just coast along and see where it takes you. Things can simply change over night. Heck you could fall for a new hire....what then right? There is nothing really note worthy to put full effort into. Something she's probably considering is the fact that you are way too fresh out of a relationship so she is handling this with caution. 

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6 hours ago, Profile123 said:

I thought about posting on a forum for some advice about things i can think about/say/or do to help and what to avoid doing/saying to hopefully not jeopardize anything!

I don't think there's anything to say or do unless you want to take your 'informal' relationship to a more 'formal' level. If that's the case, you should tell her.

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Yeah, there's really nothing you can do about this except let her do what she wants here.  Just be there to listen.

This is way too new for you to step up & say anything about her choices.

And for you to be so freshly out of a LTR, is another thing...

You really have no idea IF this is will even survive past the 6 month mark, or one year.. right?

So stop looking too deeply into this in the ways of what you should do.

My concern is when the honeymoon phase ends and how YOU will be (mentally & emotionally).  I don't know who ended your last relationship or why?  Did you both agree it was time?  Too many issue's?

I do hope, for your own sake, you can admit you are truly over all of that now - but in ways, I can't see it.

 

 

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9 hours ago, Profile123 said:

Although we have both said to each other what we have going on is completly informal and at present we have said our situation has no strings attached, we have also both said we really like each other. I wouldnt want to stop seeing her unless I had to, or unless either she or I changed our minds.

Ideally I want to make sure I do the right things and also support her with the changing circumstances over the next few weeks in the right way, to give us the best chance of keeping things going.

 

I think you're going to have to do a little better than that if you feel that way about her. You seem to care about her a good deal so I'm not sure why you're both keeping it as no strings attached. Are you seeing each other exclusively? 

See where it goes and let her handle her work/relocation issues. She may ask you for help with the move so oblige but you're not her boyfriend. Why are you both skirting around being a couple? 

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Posted (edited)

One of the most supportive things you can do is to let her know that you are interested in continuing to see her regardless of where she works or moves.

Beyond that, credit her with the ability to let you know what she needs from you at any given time. This requires good 'passive' listening rather than reactive listening.

For instance, if she vents frustrations with any part of her processes, don't jump in to offer fixes, but rather, be quiet, allow her to 'think through' her experiences verbally, and when she goes quiet, restate the main gist of what you've heard so that she feels HEARD, and then go quiet to allow her to process (and enjoy) that feeling.

From there, you can ask, is there anything I can do to help? If she says no, or just thanks you for hearing her, you've done a great job of supporting her. 

If she asks something from you that you don't believe is in her best interests, don't do it just because she asks--offer alternatives or explain why she might want to rethink it.

Otherwise, just trust that if she perceives your connection as being as good as you view it, then things will fall into place over time. Be patient.

Edited by catfeeder
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Whatever you do, do NOT suggest living together just because she has to move out of her current home. It's way, way too soon. You don't know one another well enough to even consider it. 

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