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Worried about getting married


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So, this has been the longest relationship of my life, going on nine years, and I'm in my forties, and he's in his sixties. He has been married before, but I have not. It looks like it is definitely going to become marriage. I am nervous. I am entering into the second half of our relationship and it has changed overnight, but dare I say it, we are already locked in. It's my own fault. I was so insistent on making it last and making it past the altar that I am getting what I wanted, but now we are unhappy. But I suppose the best marriages are unhappy, if you think about it from a spiritual perspective. No pain, no gain, and I think it's there for a purpose, which is to teach us how to love each other the right way. I'm going to have to go through it, because I have no choice now. He's going to want to be my teacher. I have to think about it realistically now. I was so bent on impressing him and putting together an idyllic wedding that I didn't even think about what it might be like after the altar. So he's had sex thousands of times with his first wife, and I've only done that a few hundred with a handful of long-term relationships. He might laugh at me in bed. I am afraid I won't know how to satisfy him. It's intimidating. Why did I have to want the other half to take the lead? I want him to love me. I just worry that he won't.

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Posted (edited)
38 minutes ago, MySunshine said:

 I'm in my forties, and he's in his sixties. I am entering into the second half of our relationship and it has changed overnight, but dare I say it, we are already locked in. 

What do you mean by "second half of the relationship" after 9 years together?

What do you mean by "locked in"? Are you stuck living together?

Do both of you work? Are you about equal asset and income wise?

What do you mean by "changed overnight"? Changed from what into what"?

What are you talking about as far as him being "your teacher"?

So. You've been together 9 Years, and you are what? Engaged? Living together? Happy? Unhappy?

Your post is quite confusing.

Is this the same roommate?:

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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39 minutes ago, MySunshine said:

He might laugh at me in bed. I am afraid I won't know how to satisfy him. It's intimidating. 

You've been with this much older man for 9 years but you've never had sex with him and you think he's going to want to be your teacher, despite you having had previous sexual relationships? This sounds bizarre to me. 

You don't appear to have got married yet, so you do have the choice to get out of it. If you've realised it would be a big mistake, now is the time to say so, otherwise your current unhappiness will get a whole lot worse. 

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I agree.. No, the best marriages are not unhappy.  Many do strive & grow & succeed.

How do you see this being any good if you're both miserable?

And what is making you stay in this?

It's your life too!  Live it with the aim to be more 'happy'.  If you're feeling pressured to, that's all wrong!

Think for yourself.

 

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Your post is confusing.  Why do you have to marry him if you don't want to?  If you are as miserable as you sound, you need to leave and get your own place and move on in your life.  Perhaps therapy to find out why you are putting up with this.  

I've been married a long time and we are happy.  You are wrong to think most marriages are not.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

Your post is confusing.  Why do you have to marry him if you don't want to?  If you are as miserable as you sound, you need to leave and get your own place and move on in your life.  Perhaps therapy to find out why you are putting up with this.  

I've been married a long time and we are happy.  You are wrong to think most marriages are not.

Marriage is the beginning of something not inevitable and not something to approach passively. Unless you are reasonably sure and excited to marry this person, do not.  You have core-shaking doubts about marrying him it seems. It's actually scary how you describe this as if you're an outsider saying "well I guess it means we're going to end up being married" -that's not how it works and actually you're not really allowed to take marriage vows without being there at the altar of your own choice, your own volition, hopefully with all of your heart and soul involved.  I've been married 13 years and we're happy and I certainly was sure and excited to marry him. 

My mother was married for 62 years and was happy (my father passed).  I was my high school friend's maid of honor in 1987 -they are still happily married. And on and on.

Idylic wedding - you mean the reception right? That's not the wedding.  That's the party.  The wedding is taking the vows.  You don't "put that together" -  I mean sure you can write your own vows, discuss how you want the ceremony if different than typical but it's not idyllic.  It's reality and to me -also magical -all mixed up together but not because of planning the logistics.  Because of two people choosing each other with joy and excitement and desiring to take marriage vows whether in front of an officiant, religious figure, whatever.

So the answer is full stop, do not marry this person.  

Edited by Batya33
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Is he a spiritual leader in a group of some sort? 

There are some religious undertones in your post. I'm sorry you're feeling confused. Don't marry him if you don't think it's a good idea. It is probably not a good idea considering the way you think/write.

 

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