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Dating rules?


JoyceVib
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Hi guys,

 

I started dating a guy recently. 

I met him on a festival and we already had our first and second date. It went well! The last date I had was one week ago. He asked for both dates.

Now we do text every day it doesnt go very deep/is a good conversation. Its much better in real life.

Last weekend I asked him twice if he could meet up (first for sunday, then for the saturday since I was nearby). He couldnt because he was in another city both days.

When I told my friends this she told me: "Joyce, youre never gonna keep a man if youre the one suggesting to meet up, even twice. Men like to hunt a little, this makes it too easy."

I wonder if this is true.  And if it is, does it also depend on age? Im 27 he's 23. 

I just dont like those games personally and love to be direct in what I feel.

What do you think about it? If youre a guy, how do you feel about a woman asking to meet up early on?

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

I met him on a festival and we already had our first and second date. He couldnt because he was in another city both days. Im 27 he's 23. 

There are really no specific rules. However it's just 2 dates and he's busy, so the ball is in his court. Volley texts , but don't text this much.

While it's just 4 years, he may be in a more casual partying hookingup stage in life . Does he live with his parents?

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

There are really no specific rules. However it's just 2 dates and he's busy, so the ball is in his court. Volley texts , but don't text this much.

While it's just 4 years, he may be in a more casual parry hookup stage in life . Does he live with his parents?

True! Im leaving it up to him.

He doesnt live with his parents, but did tell me that since he broke up with his ex gf (they were together for 5 years), this year he has dated a lot of women and had (has??) his *** fase. I do wanna talk about how he sees our dating next time though. 

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Hi Joyce, I think she has a point, although your mileage may vary.  I think what she is really trying to convey is don't seem too needy.  Let him set the pace.  Just enjoy yourself and allow yourself to be pursued.  Don't worry about playing games, etc. you will just be being feminine (receiving).  Try on a few of those "high value woman" videos on youtube, they seem to have a lot of good advice for dating and maintaining your womanly mystique.  WMII, don't make fun!

Good luck my dear, have a wonderful time.

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2 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Hi Joyce, I think she has a point, although your mileage may vary.  I think what she is really trying to convey is don't seem too needy.  Let him set the pace.  Just enjoy yourself and allow yourself to be pursued.  Don't worry about playing games, etc. you will just be being feminine (receiving).  Try on a few of those "high value woman" videos on youtube, they seem to have a lot of good advice for dating and maintaining your womanly mystique.  WMII, don't make fun!

Good luck my dear, have a wonderful time.

I agree! Needy is never good, but it can be in balance, or not? 😬 since he asked for the first two dates.. 

But I get it! Though for me it would work better if the whole dating progress would be more in balance.

Great advice about the videos! Im gonna check it out right away, thank you! 

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10 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

he broke up with his ex gf they were together for 5 years, this year he has dated a lot of women and had his *** fase.

If he is on the rebound and was tied down since 18, rest assured he's still in this phase.

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he is on the rebound and was tied down since 18, rest assured he's still in this phase.

Not sure if he is still on the rebound, not according to him. But yes, he could still be in this phase.

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2 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Slow down a bit!  Dont text too much or push for another date, you will push him away.

At 23 he's still so young and his brain isn't even fully matured til he reaches 25.  You as a female are more mature than he is.

 

I am not texting too much, nor do I wanna push for another date. He did exactly the same the week before (also asking to meet up when I couldnt and asking another time). And I actually liked that he showed me in that way that he wanted to see me.

Yes I agree. Hes almost 24, but there is a difference. 

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Did a third date come up the last time you met in person? Be busy and do other things. I don't think you've blown it or done anything untoward. It came from the heart. Your friends are too negative. Just let him reach out next time. 

Try not to place too much emphasis on the daily text messages. It's not dating. Create some mystery and do your own thing, have a life outside of this and don't keep checking your phone.

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Tha k 

5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Did a third date come up the last time you met in person? Be busy and do other things. I don't think you've blown it or done anything untoward. It came from the heart. Your friends are too negative. Just let him reach out next time. 

Try not to place too much emphasis on the daily text messages. It's not dating. Create some mystery and do your own thing, have a life outside of this and don't keep checking your phone.

Thank you for your reply!

Ironically enough he just asked me for another date, haha! So I didnt blew it at all.

Youre right about living my own life and keeping the phone away. And I did that a lot! Have many hobbies, always outside. I also turn off my phone a lot. Still when I turn it on and I see no message it affects me a bit. I recognize myself in anxiously attached, so Im trying to get better at that. Thank you again!

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53 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

When I told my friends this she told me: "Joyce, youre never gonna keep a man if youre the one suggesting to meet up, even twice. Men like to hunt a little, this makes it too easy."

 

Depends. In retrospect, its just a little games we play. Some men like to chase, some women like to be chased, its only a game to both of those groups. You dont seem like that so you should avoid it. He wants to date again so that is all it matters.

You would generally want to avoid "too available" label. It gives away wrong impression how you dont have too much going on and can create a problem in dynamic. As one of my friends say "You have to be there, but simultanously not be there". So, keep yourself busy with other things too. But as far as dates go, it doesnt really mater who called for what as long as you are both there.

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Posted (edited)

Hey Joyce!

 

This is maybe more of a general observation as, I’ve only ever dated once and that was the guy I am married too now! (Maybe that sounds absurd or very lucky I don’t know!)

 

My experience is, limited to about 4 dates with him when I was 18 and I’m 32 now!

 

But just to throw it out there! If it’s worth anything. 
 

With anyone - any date, you have to be thinking, is this person good enough for me? Do I like him? Am I impressed by him? Is this person what I need? Does he deserve anymore of my time? Has he passed the test, basically!?

 

So many people go into dates thinking the exact opposite. Does he like me? Am I his type? Does he find me attractive? Am I the type of person he wants? What does he want now? Does it align with what I want?

 

I sometimes think, this train of thought takes you from the position of power (being the chooser, the one who says yes or no) to being the one trying to impress and second guess their thoughts and interest and also, encourages a doubting of yourself.

 

I am not saying be horribly cocky but, you should be thinking, whoever ends up with me, wow - they’re getting the best thing they have ever had coming too them! Are they worth that?! Are they my match! 😉

 

No time for games, your time is too important. No time for time wasters, you’re better than that! 
 

If this guy wants what you want, make sure you make it clear to him what you want. If that is casual, make it understood. If it is a serious relationship? He must know that. If it is marriage and the rest, again, make sure it’s out there and your stars must align. He must be chasing you. Once you are both clear then you can either decide to let him pursue you, or you can politely call it a day.

 

Remember your worth! And don’t let anyone mess you around. Things have to feel great and sit well with you. You know what you want - you need to find someone who wants that too.

 

I know it sounds a little heavy and maybe uncool or not coy enough but, men are straight forward creatures and I think sometimes they appreciate you nicely saying what you want and what you are looking for. Your gut instinct normally will tell you if someone is not right for you without this conversation even having to be had but, if you have doubts, I would get everything clear so there is no frustrating back and forth and confusion.

 

I wish you all the best! 
 

x

Edited by mylolita
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19 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

Tha k 

Thank you for your reply!

Ironically enough he just asked me for another date, haha! So I didnt blew it at all.

Youre right about living my own life and keeping the phone away. And I did that a lot! Have many hobbies, always outside. I also turn off my phone a lot. Still when I turn it on and I see no message it affects me a bit. I recognize myself in anxiously attached, so Im trying to get better at that. Thank you again!

Great!! 

I know what you mean about liking someone so much you want to hear from them all the time. ❤️ Be busy when that takes over. Have fun! 

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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

With anyone - any date, you have to be thinking, is this person good enough for me? Do I like him? Am I impressed by him? Is this person what I need? Does he deserve anymore of my time? Has he passed the test, basically!?

 

So many people go into dates thinking the exact opposite. Does he like me? Am I his type? Does he find me attractive? Am I the type of person he wants? What does he want now? Does it align with what I want?

Good point.

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As usual good advice in here, i would add don't smother him, but also don't be afraid to initiate from time to time. While men that age like to feel on top of the world initiating, they also like to know they're progressing.

The big thing is to not overthink or hyper focus on the next date, live your life; but also open the door when he comes knocking.

As to "rules"? there are none with the right partner.

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3 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

just dont like those games personally and love to be direct in what I feel.

What do you think about it? If youre a guy, how do you feel about a woman asking to meet up early on?

I don't think you have to overshare how you feel with a new person.  It's not a game to choose to let someone get to know you at a reasonable pace over time.  It's not a game to refrain from overwhelming a new person because you can't help but say what you're feeling at the moment or ask him out, etc. 

I used to let the guy do most of the asking early on and I showed my interest in other ways.  So when you say you're direct in what you feel do you mean if you think your friend looks fat in a dress you tell her because you believe in sharing and being direct in what's in your head at the moment?  If your new guy annoyed you and you felt annoyed would you tell him right then in the name of being direct how you felt about what he did - even if it wasn't major and even if he was at work at the time - I mean how far does this "directness" of yours go?

When I was dating -from around 1978-2005 - (then I started exclusively dating my future husband) - men were often really flattered and impressed when women asked them out on dates early on.  And very often it knocked the wind out of their sails, felt uncomfortable, like, too much.  Those typically were not the women they chose to date seriously.  But it depends. 

Men who eschew traditional relationships, who want the woman to do more of the asking for whatever reason -they like that power feeling coming from the woman, they're not interested in putting in the effort to make a plan, they don't believe in courting a woman in the beginning especially - those men likely would welcome it.  I preferred traditional guys.  I had an intense professional career where I lead and took charge and I knew how to remove my professional hat in personal relationships.  Believed in equality in the workplace.  

It's nice that you love being direct.  But maybe consider the other person's feelings - maybe that person will feel crowded/overwhelmed/too much too soon if you're blurting out how you feel and asking him out and showing right up front your heart -- when what he wants to do is unwrap the special package that is you, layer by layer -maybe not know what you had for lunch that day, or the cute cat photo your coworker sent, or how you might do a really intense workout in the morning, etc.  Or maybe he loves letting it all hang out, oversharing, sharing all feelings when they pop in your heads, etc. 

My sense is you love being direct because then you feel you get instant gratification/assurance that "he likes me!!!"  But it's an illusion -that person might respond right away with enthusiasm -then crash and burn in a week from the weight of your directness.  

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Also him asking you isn't chasing you.  You asking him isn't chasing him.  No one should chase.  I wrote most of the rules before the book was published.  Served me well because I was a person who'd feel reallllly insecure when I liked someone and my insecurities wasn't me I wasn't being myself I was a ball of insecurity.  So the rules I had helped me have an external reminder to avoid clinginess or tell myself lies like "I am woman/hear me roar/I'm a professional who can ask out a man!"  I did ask out men. Had no issue asking out men.  And like so many of my friends asking men out more than once especially, right away was ineffective for more than a fling or a couple of casual dates.  My male friends -I had many -confirmed this as I wrote above. 

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