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Why did he have so much attitude towards me


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11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Deter you from what?  Calling him at random intervals over a period of a couple of years?  It sounds like he wasn't actually very into that, if you ask me.

Being interested. Initially guys hold back their thoughts and opinions (sometimes) so that the other  person doesnt run away 

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22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So you've met?  Have you gone out since your first meeting?

Messaging doesn't take effort.

No. We only matched two days ago. Not going to meet straight away. 2bh it takes a lot for me to be interested enough to even meet someone. 

 

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5 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

No. We only matched two days ago. Not going to meet straight away. 2bh it takes a lot for me to be interested enough to even meet someone. 

 

So you prefer to be "pen pals" first?

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40 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

No  but I have standards. If im going to meet someone I have to see something in them for them to be worth meeting

And how do you go about determining that? Through messages? Or some other way?

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58 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

No. We only matched two days ago. Not going to meet straight away. 2bh it takes a lot for me to be interested enough to even meet someone. 

 

You won't know if you are interested without meeting -typing words isn't relevant other than for safety and perhaps stuff in common -enough to meet for about 30 minutes for coffee or a walk etc in a public place - you tend to get attached to fantasy ideas about people so perhaps get more grounded and meet soon.

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22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You won't know if you are interested without meeting -typing words isn't relevant other than for safety and perhaps stuff in common -enough to meet for about 30 minutes for coffee or a walk etc in a public place - you tend to get attached to fantasy ideas about people so perhaps get more grounded and meet soon.

I don't think I'm not grounded necessarily. Even with the other guy I knew his downsides. Never thought omg what an amazing person. I highly doubt a 10/10 exists. 

But i see what you're saying. 

i get matches pretty easily, so that's why I'm not overly excited about this one. 

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21 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

Messaging. Calling maybe. 

 

People who don't want to meet you ASAP in person are dating online.  Telling themselves they're "dating" but they're not - a person who is on a dating site to meet people in person ASAP -for a first meet- not a date - because you're strangers-is a person who is using dating sites to try to find a date and potential match.  Certainly some people might not be able to meet for a few weeks because of vacation, a business trip but a person interested in finding out whether there is sufficient interest for dating (I have online platonic friends and have for years, that's different) want to meet in person. 

Looks are the least of it - you need to see their body language, energy, eye contact in person, how they treat the people around them whether it's a waiter or whether they try to hold the door for a person, etc.  How they interact in real time, real space.  And yes looks too -but looks you can only tell in person -the spark which may be there through typing but that is not the spark that counts.

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

People who don't want to meet you ASAP in person are dating online.  Telling themselves they're "dating" but they're not - a person who is on a dating site to meet people in person ASAP -for a first meet- not a date - because you're strangers-is a person who is using dating sites to try to find a date and potential match.  Certainly some people might not be able to meet for a few weeks because of vacation, a business trip but a person interested in finding out whether there is sufficient interest for dating (I have online platonic friends and have for years, that's different) want to meet in person. 

Looks are the least of it - you need to see their body language, energy, eye contact in person, how they treat the people around them whether it's a waiter or whether they try to hold the door for a person, etc.  How they interact in real time, real space.  And yes looks too -but looks you can only tell in person -the spark which may be there through typing but that is not the spark that counts.

I agree with most of that 

There are people on there for an ego boost, theyre the ones who will delay meeting.  Or pretend theyll meet but never meet. Also ones wrought with issues will also never meet. 

 

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44 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

I agree with most of that 

There are people on there for an ego boost, theyre the ones who will delay meeting.  Or pretend theyll meet but never meet. Also ones wrought with issues will also never meet. 

 

Right -as I wrote they are not there to date, same as the people who message endlessly and pretend to date "online" - fortunately since I was there to meet people in person I quickly screened through the others.  I met over 100 men in person.  Most of them were lovely people.  I put effort into screening and effort into making the time to meet in person ASAP.  Because I wasn't going to pretend to date online.  

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3 hours ago, lavender899 said:

Messaging. Calling maybe. 

 

So in other words, a pen pal! 😆

You say you don't want time wasters who just want to type messages, but then you say you don't want to meet until after you've sent a lot of messages to decide if you want to meet.

It sounds like you want to be able to message all you want but don't think the men should. That's confusing. 

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You've mentioned in your original post and later comments that you're not really looking for a relationship that much and also that it takes a lot for you to be interested. I don't deny that the other guy was horrible but you also mentioned in your original post that you weren't that sure at the start and didn't put that much effort in. Also he said that you should meet and for you to let him know and though you looked up places to go, you didn't reply to him for 2.5 weeks. 

Unless you're just looking for hookup or to chat online as friends, I personally don't see the point to do online dating if you're not making much effort. Not everyone is there just for sex, some guys are actually there for a relationship and don't want someone so vague. They want women who actually want to meet in person and not after like a month or two months, but a lot sooner. People talk to a lot of people online and I think the fact you're dragging your feet is going to make you lose out to lots of other women who actually want to meet. 

When I was on online dating, I hated just typing online because I didn't think I'm completely getting to know someone because it's not in person. After about a week of messaging I usually asked myself that we meet for coffee. If they didn't want to meet I basically just ditched them. Most people aren't going to just keep talking and talking online because it's a waste of time if you don't actually know the person.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So in other words, a pen pal! 😆

You say you don't want time wasters who just want to type messages, but then you say you don't want to meet until after you've sent a lot of messages to decide if you want to meet.

It sounds like you want to be able to message all you want but don't think the men should. That's confusing. 

Well the men don't give a crap if they waste someones time. So a guy who messages a lot could probably go on like that forever without actually ever meeting. Example ...the guy this thread is about 

Whereas i would have the integrity to cut it short if i didnt see compatibility or wasnt interested.

When i say messaging and calling i dont mean for years on end

 

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54 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

You've mentioned in your original post and later comments that you're not really looking for a relationship that much and also that it takes a lot for you to be interested. I don't deny that the other guy was horrible but you also mentioned in your original post that you weren't that sure at the start and didn't put that much effort in. Also he said that you should meet and for you to let him know and though you looked up places to go, you didn't reply to him for 2.5 weeks. 

Unless you're just looking for hookup or to chat online as friends, I personally don't see the point to do online dating if you're not making much effort. Not everyone is there just for sex, some guys are actually there for a relationship and don't want someone so vague. They want women who actually want to meet in person and not after like a month or two months, but a lot sooner. People talk to a lot of people online and I think the fact you're dragging your feet is going to make you lose out to lots of other women who actually want to meet. 

When I was on online dating, I hated just typing online because I didn't think I'm completely getting to know someone because it's not in person. After about a week of messaging I usually asked myself that we meet for coffee. If they didn't want to meet I basically just ditched them. Most people aren't going to just keep talking and talking online because it's a waste of time if you don't actually know the person.

True. But from personal  experience on the app I'm on ...the guys who want to genuinely meet and try to make it happen is few and far between. They're just lazy and expect the female to do a lot of the  work. Which of course a lot do. Just not like me to be that way. Even less so for a stranger. 🤔

 

 

 

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10 hours ago, lavender899 said:

Nope. Im simply responding to people who don't have the full picture. Giving facts.

No. I am referring to the fact that you contiue to pursure this man when it was clear he wasn't interested in you anymore. 

And the fact that you sat and listened to him berate you. 

That level of fixation on someone isn't healthy for you, hence why I suggest you worry less about him his issues, and more about your own. 

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OP I date online too, and I know it's difficult. Lots of creepy men out there because it's just so easy to set up a profile and swipe left on all the women. Cost of rejection is so low that it doesn't hurt their ego much (similarly for women).

But there are also good men looking for something casual or serious. And they aren't all jerks. You just have to sift through the sand to find the good nuggets.

Don't chat too long with men who don't show interest or ask you out... They're usually just looking for a chat buddy

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, lavender899 said:

 the app I'm on ...the guys who want to genuinely meet and try to make it happen is few and far between. 

Yes, there's a lot of toilet texters out there who are just killing time while doing their business. 

However if you were on paid apps that require a credit card to communicate, there would be a lot less timewasters and turds.

Free apps and hookup apps are cheap easy zero-investment ways to get a lot of attention. But it's not good attention.

It's all about screening if you actually want to find dates/a relationship.

If you just want penpals,the apps and methods you're using are fine, but when you are ready to meet men in person, you'll need different strategies.

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You've mentioned in your original post and later comments that you're not really looking for a relationship that much and also that it takes a lot for you to be interested. I don't deny that the other guy was horrible but you also mentioned in your original post that you weren't that sure at the start and didn't put that much effort in. Also he said that you should meet and for you to let him know and though you looked up places to go, you didn't reply to him for 2.5 weeks. 

Unless you're just looking for hookup or to chat online as friends, I personally don't see the point to do online dating if you're not making much effort. Not everyone is there just for sex, some guys are actually there for a relationship and don't want someone so vague. They want women who actually want to meet in person and not after like a month or two months, but a lot sooner. People talk to a lot of people online and I think the fact you're dragging your feet is going to make you lose out to lots of other women who actually want to meet. 

When I was on online dating, I hated just typing online because I didn't think I'm completely getting to know someone because it's not in person. After about a week of messaging I usually asked myself that we meet for coffee. If they didn't want to meet I basically just ditched them. Most people aren't going to just keep talking and talking online because it's a waste of time if you don't actually know the person.

This is so valuable. Especially because it's so specific to this situation.  

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2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

OP I date online too, and I know it's difficult. Lots of creepy men out there because it's just so easy to set up a profile and swipe left on all the women. Cost of rejection is so low that it doesn't hurt their ego much (similarly for women).

I had a very similar situation from around 1980-late 90s  - there were personal ads but no real online dating till later into the 90s -when one alternative was bars, clubs, singles events.  Unless the event wasn't just a bar scene and designed for singles it was also so easy to show up for a few hours, check people out visually and decide based on just that (as one of my friends said -if you sneezed wrong it was over) - to "reject" in quotes for a reason.  Yes, it's harder to leave your house for sure but where I lived it often involved just a group of friends on a quick train ride or walking.  

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17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

People who don't want to meet you ASAP in person are dating online.  Telling themselves they're "dating" but they're not

I'm finally getting this through my head.  There are many posts that mention how long they've been "dating," but ultimately we learn that they have been on a couple of dates.  Or, in cases like this, a whole dramatic dynamic including abusive behavior develops over 2+ years with no meeting even taking place at all.

Oh the humanity.  

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19 hours ago, lavender899 said:

Being interested. Initially guys hold back their thoughts and opinions (sometimes) so that the other  person doesnt run away 

According to your original post, all the phone calls over the years were initiated by you.  He doesn't seem to be very invested in your interest.  

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Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, lavender899 said:

Well the men don't give a crap if they waste someones time. So a guy who messages a lot could probably go on like that forever without actually ever meeting. Example ...the guy this thread is about Whereas i would have the integrity to cut it short if i didnt see compatibility or wasnt interested.

When i say messaging and calling i dont mean for years on end

 

Wait. . don't make me go back reread this thread!! 🤪 My head might explode.

HE asked to meet you several times in the beginning.  You didn't want to. 

You won't continue messaging for years?? Yet you met on an app 'long before the pandemic' and all you ever did was electronically communicate with him off and on.  He also stated he was not interested in a penpal.  (your words)

To add to that you spent a good deal of time beating on his door (messaging) when he clearly was no longer interested and the communication faded.  When he finally gave in, he was finally able to at least talk you into a video call, after which time he did a 180, changed his mind and his attitude.

Let's call this what it is.  It sucks to be rejected.  We've all been there and there's no shame in it.  He may have been horribly evil and sadistic this entire time and you only discovered it with a real time face to face chat,  Is there a lesson in all of this?   Meet sooner than later. 

Had you come here telling us you were cruelly rejected we could and would have related to that and offered support and empathy. 

Seeing there is no end to this, but rather more projection and deflection.  And you are honestly disrespectful of our time when you keep changing the facts  . . Ultimately, there is nothing to be learned here.

And why you sat in a video call for 3 hours while he viscously berated is you is absolutely baffling.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Wait. . don't make me go back reread this thread!! 🤪 My head might explode.

HE asked to meet you several times in the beginning.  You didn't want to. 

You won't continue messaging for years?? Yet you met on an app 'long before the pandemic' and all you ever did was electronically communicate with him off and on.  He also stated he was not interested in a penpal.  (your words)

To add to that you spent a good deal of time beating on his door (messaging) when he clearly was no longer interested and the communication faded.  When he finally gave in, he was finally able to at least talk you into a video call, after which time he did a 180, changed his mind and his attitude.

Let's call this what it is.  It sucks to be rejected.  We've all been there and there's no shame in it.  He may have been horribly evil and sadistic this entire time and you only discovered it with a real time face to face chat,  Is there a lesson in all of this?   Meet sooner than later. 

Had you come here telling us you were cruelly rejected we could and would have related to that and offered support and empathy. 

Seeing there is no end to this, but rather more projection and deflection.  And you are honestly disrespectful of our time when you keep changing the facts  . . Ultimately, there is nothing to be learned here.

And why you sat in a video call for 3 hours while he viscously berated is you is absolutely baffling.

 

I never changed  the facts. If you're going to mention facts at least get them right 😂 ( no offence).  The call where he berated me was not a video call. It was a voice call. Also i stated i can't mention every interaction it would take  far too long. But there was always interest on his end. 

I was only "cruelly rejected" which are the wrong words to use because I said something which triggered him aka got him mad. He spent half the  conversation saying he doesn't care. No one spends an hour telling someone they dont care, when they dont. Usually they'd get off the phone sooner and wish the person well. Not have  a rant and a rave. 

Perhaps he felt rejected by me the whole  time as I didnt pander to his needs and wants. N in the end wanted to feel like he was the one "rejecting" me

Edited by lavender899
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On 5/14/2022 at 6:59 PM, lavender899 said:

 

And most recently asked to go for coffee? 

I think it was more like he asked you when you were going to take him for coffee ... which is definitely NOT asking you to go. 

Here is a quote from your post that pretty clearly tells you and everyone else that he really very much was NOT interested in meeting you. 

Quote

So two and a half weeks after I called to arrange  a proper time to meet and he completely ignored my calls and messages. I messaged on WhatsApp saying we should meet, he ignored. I called about four times, the last two calls it seemed like he purposely rejected them

Also, you wrote that he rarely called and you always initiated. 

Sorry for rubbing it in.  I agree that he behaved like a freak.  But you also did, except without the abuse.   He probably felt harassed.    At least this extended outburst probably did the trick, though he should have just blocked you back in 2020.

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