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Why did he have so much attitude towards me


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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. You’re being honest about your bad experiences. My friends weren’t lucky in that sense. Neither was I. I simply was careful about screening and not wasting my time chatting to strangers as I wanted to date in real life. I used online sites as one of many  ways to meet people.  
Time to get proactive and get out there to meet people whether thorough volunteer  work or the gym or dance classes, book clubs , events at a church or place of worship, etc. first be totally honest with yourself about whether you want a potentially serious relationship.  
If not then don’t bother being proactive. It’s not worth it for causal dating.  I did want those things despite no guarantees.  So I did the work. For many years. It paid off. One of the reasons was because I didn’t let myself get jaded or bitter about men and I kept up close friendships with men and women. Some who set me up on dates and I set them up as well. 

Fair enough. I hear that a lot about meeting people in real life etc, but I've met idiots that way too or just didnt work out.

Personally I've never been someone that's needed to be in a long term relationship. I just dont see many benefits when I'm fine on my own. Ive never met anyone who's been upto my standards. This guy was just someone  i was open about..since he himself said about 50 times he is serious etc.. but looks like he was misguided in the end

 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, lavender899 said:

Fair enough. I hear that a lot about meeting people in real life etc, but I've met idiots that way too or just didnt work out.

Personally I've never been someone that's needed to be in a long term relationship. I just dont see many benefits when I'm fine on my own. Ive never met anyone who's been upto my standards. This guy was just someone  i was open about..since he himself said about 50 times he is serious etc.. but looks like he was misguided in the end

 

So if you don't want to be in a long term relationship avoid wasting the time of people who say they are interested.  For whatever reason. You are entitled to whatever standards you have and there is no need or requirement to be in a relationship or date.  Consider whether your standards are high or- whether you're comfortable labeling people as "idiots" and telling yourself what high standards you have cause it's safer than making yourself vulnerable to getting close to someone. 

Anyway -if you are not 100% enthusiastic about a serious relationship I wouldn't bother chatting with strangers through on line sites.  Waste of time.  Stay on your own, enjoy those benefits as you see them to the hilt and if someone comes along you'd have fun casually dating do it.  Or not.   (I've never needed to be in a long term relationship but I always wanted -not needed - marriage and family -not everyone does and that's cool)

Edited by Batya33
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19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if you don't want to be in a long term relationship avoid wasting the time of people who say they are interested.  For whatever reason. You are entitled to whatever standards you have and there is no need or requirement to be in a relationship or date.  Consider whether your standards are high or- whether you're comfortable labeling people as "idiots" and telling yourself what high standards you have cause it's safer than making yourself vulnerable to getting close to someone. 

Anyway -if you are not 100% enthusiastic about a serious relationship I wouldn't bother chatting with strangers through on line sites.  Waste of time.  Stay on your own, enjoy those benefits as you see them to the hilt and if someone comes along you'd have fun casually dating do it.  Or not.   (I've never needed to be in a long term relationship but I always wanted -not needed - marriage and family -not everyone does and that's cool)

I don't think  i wasted anyones time though. As when it came down to it, this guy was the one who did that.

And calling someone an idiot is a fact in this case for example. Nothing to do with fear of vulnerability 

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5 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

I don't think  i wasted anyones time though. As when it came down to it, this guy was the one who did that.

And calling someone an idiot is a fact in this case for example. Nothing to do with fear of vulnerability 

Yes- you wasted his time in the beginning.  So if you are not sure you want a serious relationship refrain from engaging people in long conversations who do. It's just the right thing to do.  I didn't write that calling someone an idiot is a fear of vulnerability.  Read what I wrote if you are interested. My sense is you are interested in being right about your assessment of people around you -your negative assessment that is.

I have no interest in being right or debating you because you are totally free to avoid serious relationships and see the benefits of being on your own.  That's totally your choice and it's not hurting anyone of course -it only can hurt someone else if you pretend you are interested in something potentially serious when you're not, and waste their time.  When I was dating I quickly screened out people like yourself since I was looking for marriage and family, not for a chat buddy or a casual date.

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10 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

And calling someone an idiot is a fact in this case for example. Nothing to do with fear of vulnerability 

Try not to overinvest and get this overinvolved with turds like this. Get better recent pics and a fresh profile on Quality dating apps, not hookup apps.

Only communicate with men who want to meet in a timely manner. Remember You are the common denominator if you claim you're a turd-magnet and 90% of men who  you decide to chat with are weirdos..💩

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to overinvest and get this overinvolved with turds like this. Get better recent pics and a fresh profile on Quality dating apps, not hookup apps.

Only communicate with men who want to meet in a timely manner. Remember You are the common denominator if you claim you're a turd-magnet and 90% of men who  you decide to chat with are weirdos..💩

Or there could be a lot of turds our there 

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I read your OP, lavender, and wow... unnecessary drama.

First, don't keep reaching out to someone you don't even really know just because you want an explanation after they have ignored your calls/messages. It makes you look desperate even if you are just 'curious.' You gotta be able to take the hint. & if they circle back to you wondering why you didn't follow up with them, you just smile and block them. You gotta show them you got standards.

Secondly, just because someone say they're serious or looking for a serious relationship, remember that words are cheap. Pay attention to their actions. People will say anything sometimes to keep you wrapped under their fingers, but remembered you have eyes. Watch their actions to see if it matches what they say.

Third, if you don't know if you want a serious relationship, then don't get in to one thinking 'well, this man might change my mind?' No, hun, only you can make that decision for yourself. Because when you go in not knowing what you want, you are setting yourself up to be unhappy/unsatisfied in that relationship/situationship. Because if you know what you want, you have intention and you are wanting that person to know your intention and understand it. They either accept it or decline it. When you don't have this, you're pretty much taking what you can get.

And you are too good for that. This guy say what a lot of people say on online dating platforms "I'm serious. Looking for a serious relationship. Not here for drama. Blah bLah" - The thing is, you have to be smart enough to weed these people out by paying attention to their actions too.

Good luck, and if it's any consolation - looks like this guy was an emotional unstable a**hole any way and count your lucky stars you dodged a bullet. 

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Posted (edited)

This is why you need to be careful and only chat with men who wish to meet asap.

Get on some paid apps. Maybe a few weirdos but at least you know they have a credit card, are more serious and not setting up a profile from Leavenworth.

Quote

In most jurisdictions, prison inmates are forbidden from possessing mobile phones due to their ability to communicate with the outside world and other security issues. Mobile phones are one of the most smuggled items into prisons. They provide inmates the ability to make and receive unauthorized phone calls, send email and text messages, use social media, and follow news pertaining to their case, among other forbidden uses.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Okay.. I only got so far in this.. I stopped reading after he began to insult you.  And sadly, you continued talking to him?

If someone I barely knew started acting like that, I'd say, K, nvm, I'm done.  And be done!

As for this whole.. whatever it was you've experienced with this guy.  It just never worked out for you two, basically.

No reason to keep reaching out time & time again like you did with him.  I've learned, IF they are interested, you'll know.

I saw all of this as you guys could never really get off the ground, so to speak. So, was really best to just leave all alone. - But ended up this chase & on/off contact.

I feel now, he's just fed up.  He has no true interest in you.  No need to pry at him., but accept what is and move on.

And finally, be glad you never got involved with this idiot!  He's shown you in time how he can be.  Which is NOT impressive at all.

Now. be done!  Walk away and NEVER deal with him again.. learn from this.

 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- you wasted his time in the beginning.  So if you are not sure you want a serious relationship refrain from engaging people in long conversations who do. It's just the right thing to do.  I didn't write that calling someone an idiot is a fear of vulnerability.  Read what I wrote if you are interested. My sense is you are interested in being right about your assessment of people around you -your negative assessment that is.

I have no interest in being right or debating you because you are totally free to avoid serious relationships and see the benefits of being on your own.  That's totally your choice and it's not hurting anyone of course -it only can hurt someone else if you pretend you are interested in something potentially serious when you're not, and waste their time.  When I was dating I quickly screened out people like yourself since I was looking for marriage and family, not for a chat buddy or a casual date.

Basically its not that I want something casual necessarily, i guess sometimes the way I go about things may seem casual like to this guy ( as I dont need/want a relationship that badly, like some on the apps do).  Because he mentioned countless times about the pen pal thing, so according to him it appeared like i wanted a penpal.

But when I did try he just was acting irrational. Like you keep telling me you want something serious, arrange a meet...and then  3 weeks later you flop. Like theres seriously something wrong with him there. The people i wernt interested in, they knew within a day or so. I never put effort in and told them I want something serious and then disappear, like why would I go and tell someone who im not that into about not wanting a pen pal. Weird. Anyway in the end it came off like he was pretending or something else happened.

But I've never been the type of person to lead someone on...not ever been my style 

Edited by lavender899
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1 minute ago, lavender899 said:

But I've never been the type of person to lead someone on...not ever been my style

Not leading on isn't a style it's just sort of common sense and wanting to treat others like you want to be treated.  You weren't interested in meeting him and he was interested in meeting you -that's not leading on as you weren't dating but you were wasting his time.  I think you prolonged the pen pal thing way too long.  Others have written that on this thread so I don't need to repeat.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Of course because most women don't post about the ho hum good stories - usually people who are happy and content don't need to broadcast it - but the bad/drama stories make for interesting stories and attract a lot of interest.  I had my share I just didn't let it get me jaded because I wanted nothing whatsoever to distract from my goal of finding the right person.  I wouldn't have had I had your negative attitude.  But you don't feel you need or want a serious relationship so have fun with the negative attitude and pointing out all the bad apples so to speak.  For me -focusing on the negative -you know it increases gray hair, wrinkles, stomach acid and it's borrrrring after awhile. A very short while.

This weekend my teenage son and I shared peppermint patties, watched Legally Blonde, made it through analysis of poetry for his 7th grade English class (not his favorite but he gave it his best shot) and he told me a win win would be if he had covid so he could miss school but no way did he want his parents to have it.  My husband gave me time to myself after his long business trip. 

Because you know "all men" are such "turds" right? I know many people -including many men -who are people of character, integrity, smart, funny, compassionate, great work ethic but I've associated with and affiliated myself with groups of people over the years where it's far more likely for me to meet people of good character and solid values than people who might choose to act like jerks.  

You are the common denominator if you're experiencing so many "turds" or choosing to focus on the social media stories or stories by friends who gravitate to venting or drama.  Hmmm.

I don't know how old you are.  But people of my generation who are on online apps...terrible experiences. Im not the common denominator. Ive spoken to many people. Not only a handful, enough to make a judgement. Ive never been bitter or jaded. Only now im like i cant be asked and have negative opinions. Which im allowed to have. Just because you found a man you're happy with and you have a great life and you've met great people, doesn't negate the fact its a s*** show out there

 

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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not leading on isn't a style it's just sort of common sense and wanting to treat others like you want to be treated.  You weren't interested in meeting him and he was interested in meeting you -that's not leading on as you weren't dating but you were wasting his time.  I think you prolonged the pen pal thing way too long.  Others have written that on this thread so I don't need to repeat.

Ok but then to have an emotional breakdown for over an hour on the phone saying he always had better options, he found better people, what was the need seriously. Calling me names like s l u tt and saying my personality is terrible and other people he spoke  to the conversation flows and is better and everything  about everyone else other than me is better. Seriously dude

Edited by lavender899
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4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I read your OP, lavender, and wow... unnecessary drama.

First, don't keep reaching out to someone you don't even really know just because you want an explanation after they have ignored your calls/messages. It makes you look desperate even if you are just 'curious.' You gotta be able to take the hint. & if they circle back to you wondering why you didn't follow up with them, you just smile and block them. You gotta show them you got standards.

Secondly, just because someone say they're serious or looking for a serious relationship, remember that words are cheap. Pay attention to their actions. People will say anything sometimes to keep you wrapped under their fingers, but remembered you have eyes. Watch their actions to see if it matches what they say.

Third, if you don't know if you want a serious relationship, then don't get in to one thinking 'well, this man might change my mind?' No, hun, only you can make that decision for yourself. Because when you go in not knowing what you want, you are setting yourself up to be unhappy/unsatisfied in that relationship/situationship. Because if you know what you want, you have intention and you are wanting that person to know your intention and understand it. They either accept it or decline it. When you don't have this, you're pretty much taking what you can get.

And you are too good for that. This guy say what a lot of people say on online dating platforms "I'm serious. Looking for a serious relationship. Not here for drama. Blah bLah" - The thing is, you have to be smart enough to weed these people out by paying attention to their actions too.

Good luck, and if it's any consolation - looks like this guy was an emotional unstable a**hole any way and count your lucky stars you dodged a bullet. 

Thanks. You're right

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not leading on isn't a style it's just sort of common sense and wanting to treat others like you want to be treated.  You weren't interested in meeting him and he was interested in meeting you -that's not leading on as you weren't dating but you were wasting his time.  I think you prolonged the pen pal thing way too long.  Others have written that on this thread so I don't need to repeat.

You think its common sense!!!  But in this day and age, people are not selfless or have morals and values, on the apps i mean. Its not rainbows and fairies.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay.. I only got so far in this.. I stopped reading after he began to insult you.  And sadly, you continued talking to him?

If someone I barely knew started acting like that, I'd say, K, nvm, I'm done.  And be done!

As for this whole.. whatever it was you've experienced with this guy.  It just never worked out for you two, basically.

No reason to keep reaching out time & time again like you did with him.  I've learned, IF they are interested, you'll know.

I saw all of this as you guys could never really get off the ground, so to speak. So, was really best to just leave all alone. - But ended up this chase & on/off contact.

I feel now, he's just fed up.  He has no true interest in you.  No need to pry at him., but accept what is and move on.

And finally, be glad you never got involved with this idiot!  He's shown you in time how he can be.  Which is NOT impressive at all.

Now. be done!  Walk away and NEVER deal with him again.. learn from this.

 

I'm done now. 😂😂😂

I wouldnt consider anything with anyone who insults me and tries to belittle and demean me to make me feel like nothing. I know that was his intention. For what reason i have no clue.

Edited by lavender899
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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is why you need to be careful and only chat with men who wish to meet asap.

Get on some paid apps. Maybe a few weirdos but at least you know they have a credit card, are more serious and not setting up a profile from Leavenworth.

 

He did want to meet asap 😂😂😂. When we first matched he was pursuing me but I was laid back. That's whats ironic. He pursued me for as long as a  couple of months. 

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9 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

You think its common sense!!!  But in this day and age, people are not selfless or have morals and values, on the apps i mean. Its not rainbows and fairies.

What day and what age? Yes, it is common sense to treat others as you wish to be treated. It's not selfless.  It's learned in kindergarten or earlier = play nicely in the sandbox.  I treat people as individuals so your overblown negative generalizations are pretty meaningless. But if you're going to go with exaggerations and tired stale cliches about "this day and age" and how "people" don't have morals and values that's fine.  I don't see the negativity you do, and I'm no Pollyanna. You can be a person who believes in nuances, not in this bizarre black/white thinking where you are either believing in magic or grounded in your negative spun reality.

If you ever care to get to know people as individuals, lose the attitude.  One way to do that -for sure -is to get involved in volunteer work that requires in person interaction and preferably one on one or small groups -both with the people you are providing a service to as well as your fellow volunteers. Volunteering backstage at community theater is one way to meet people who have solid values, work ethic, and talent.  Not front stage talent -designing, lighting, art, construction.  Front stage is great too but it's easier to get a role volunteering backstage.  I highly recommend it.

Apps are just apps  - get selective, practice good boundaries and use apps as only one way of several to meet people.  One of several ways.  Not the only way.  Good luck.

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Actually I don't agree with you that most guys on online dating are bad and that guys can find a good woman, but women can't get a good guy. I did online dating on and off for probably 18 years. I actually never had a serious relationship with anyone I met online but most of my experiences with online dating weren't bad. Sure there were some guys who were a bit weird or rude or just had a bad, unfriendly vibe. I'm actually bisexual/pansexual so I've been on dates with women too. Also some women were a bit odd or didn't seem that nice. But majority of people I'd met were fine. Just because there was no spark or it didn't work out doesn't mean they were bad. Some of my female friends actually found their husband or serious boyfriend online.

I agree with you that it's hard to find an actual relationship online but in my opinion it's not because people are jerks. It's just difficult (but not impossible) when you meet strangers to have a romantic spark and attraction. I think where you went wrong is that guy was wishy washy from the start. You waste time by continuing to pursue someone like that.

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6 hours ago, lavender899 said:

Ok but then to have an emotional breakdown for over an hour on the phone

Again, this begs the question - why did you give him an audience for that long? 

I sure have better and more interesting things to do than listen to some werido berate me. 

Don't you? Do you have friends? Do you have other guys that interested in you? Do you have hobbies? 

He might be a whack-job, but what about your own behaviour? It's not exactly normal to continue to pursue a guy who has repeatedly ignored you, and it's certainly not normal to listen to someone call you names and put you down for hours on end. 

So, what's your deal? 

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

agree with you that it's hard to find an actual relationship online but in my opinion it's not because people are jerks. It's just difficult (but not impossible) when you meet strangers to have a romantic spark and attraction. I think where you went wrong is that guy was wishy washy from the start. You waste time by continuing to pursue someone like that.

My experience was different -I met many strangers through blind dates (no photos) for years before dating sites, answered personal ads and was engaged to one guy who wasn't right for me.  I think online dating sites should be used to meet in person ASAP and in one way they are superior to meeting at random places because then often you know if you have the same relationship goals.  I didn't see a bit of difference in whether there was chemistry in person except that if you knew the person as a friend or acquaintance over a long period of time the "a ha!" moment when you felt the spark might feel different.  I know of many happy long term couples who originally met through apps. 

I know of many women who end up jaded and bitter when they choose to have casual sex and lie to themselves -and I'm sure certain of them meet men through apps and then blame the apps for what they chose to do. 

And then there are people who act like jerks on apps.  Good filtering and boundaries prevents a lot of that.  Which the OP did not do in this situation and ended up being harassed.  I'm sorry she found herself in that situation.

I think the OP should not use any apps unless she becomes sure she is looking for a potentially serious relationship.  She is not sure and so she will find herself sort of wishy washy and not focused on being selective, having appropriate boundaries and will waste her and others time. 

I think dating apps are good for certain people looking for casual hookups or sex (I mean it seems like a lot of work just for a casual date but ok) or who are not sure but the OP claims she has this fascination with psychology of strangers she personally interacts with and why they do and react how they do so she is likely to repeat this behavior of going down the rabbit hole with a stranger and "analyzing" why he said what he said, acted as he acted -online- by typing a certain way or "disappearing".  It's not healthy and not an appropriate approach for the OP with dating apps IMO.  She's also likely to run into people who want to do her harm if she behaves in this way.

Edited by Batya33
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