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Should I bother sending this message to a woman who kinda rejected me


Seff
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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You are missing my point. 

My point is that doing anything on social media with the express goal of impressing her (which you have already stated is your goal), is counter-productive. 

And one day it will hurt you when she starts to pay less attention. Because that day will come. And you are kidding yourself if you think you will be enjoying the side benefits of all this self-improvement so much that you don't care when she starts fading out. 

You have been doing way too much for way too long to keep this woman's attention. And you're still plotting out ways to do it. At some point, you are going to realize how much of a waste of energy it all was. And my guess is that will be when she gets a boyfriend and your heart breaks all over again. 

Lol you guys arent really are not getiin it here, and I wont expect you too anymore...

You are making assumptions also. I most def have not been doing way too much for way too long to impress her. She hasnt even been on my radar as a potential partner at all since before I wrote the OP. She was just someone from highschool I stayed in touch with on fb and a person I liked. In fact as of today I have never done anything, not a single thing, with the sole intent of impressing her. The nicest thing I have done for her, is write some caring messages when she was going through tough times, which I have done and would do for anybody else I liked going through something similar.

 

You are also assuming that you know better then me what I was meaning, when I said I was planning to make posts to impress her... I have already stated that in fact the, posts will be to impress the general public as well, to be clear I hope they will impress any future person of interest... This is as important to me as impressing her, as once again I am not really expecting a romantic outcome here.

My heart wont break because it is not fully invested. It will hurt but wont break, and I will get over it. Also she has been without a boyfriend for as long as I can remember,  she doesnt want one, as I said previously.

Edited by Seff
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5 hours ago, Seff said:

Yeah, It's very tough for me, the people whome I was once close with have all moved well on, and in some cases not even in the country anymore.

But beyond that I am rusty at socializing, and I am also most likely the most introverted person you will ever meet. People drain me... Being alone has become addictive because it is so calming.. I know I should really reach out more, but I dunno I just fee so much more at peace when I don't... I def need to work on this.

"The issue is not relying on this one friend for all your needs and support or being caught up in a fantasy. "    Yeah this is a tough part. I am not counting on her for any support...but I wish there was another lady who inspired me to better myself, but yeah, not so much.. In terms of being caught up in a fantasy, yeah I agree its not the best way to go.. And the downfalls of that would be focusing too much energy on her without looking elsewhere, and then feeling really hurt when things don't work out... I will ofc try to prevent the former, as for the latter, well I'll have to get over it.

Just as you said, It will be a bit of a tightrope walk, but keeping the broader pitcure in mind is exactly the intention here.

You know the flip side of this is it's draining being anyone's muse. You're her admirer but it can get a little one-sided if you're putting that pressure on someone to live up to any unrealistic expectations. People want to be accepted as they are, not what they should be. Remember to find daily inspirations from other interests and endeavours like you're trying to do. It'll help mitigate or manage the anxiety and pressure looking for approval from one person. I know it's hard since you think so well of her. 

Friendships go both ways so refocus and do other things with your time and eventually move on if you feel she's not necessarily much of a friend. Things like these are reciprocal. Good that you're keeping the broader perspective in mind.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Please don't make that assumption.  No it's not natural for a person to look to others to inspire the person to change.  It's a choice - not "natural" and a poor one.  IMO.  A good choice is to initiate change, be proactive and then as part of your initiation, as part of your proactive actions, look to others who have been down that path as people who inspire you as role models - but not to push you along.  If you need to be pushed then you're not ready as an adult to actually make the change and own the responsibilities that come with it.  It's why the marriage vows make clear that you both come of your own free will - not because anyone pushed you along.  For example.  

Yes you can have in your mind your goal -the type of person you want to be with -the values that person will have, common goals, common sense of humor - and then while you make your own independent choices -while you do the work to be the right person to find the right person -it will make it easier to screen out those people who you don't have enough in common with.

I have a male teenager as a son.  He is not yet an adult so I as a parent provide opportunities for him to grow and improve and develop - he doesn't have the same access I do. Yes I "push" him to try new things.  Because he's not yet an adult.  But even with a child, I lead the horse to water so to speak.  It will backfire if I actually "push" too hard.  I did this yesterday with an opportunity I found for him for the summer.  He admitted that the first day was "ok" and he learned a couple of things.  Total win.  I told him - you will thank me later.  We all need that when we're minors, especially teenagers - adults who yes do push us along sometimes -hopefully just gently.  I was pushed at times. And I'm thankful.  

You are an adult.  As an adult it's time to own your choices including in romantic relationships.  It's so much more worthwhile and then you don't have the excuse of "well it's not my fault she ended up being bad for me - it was natural for me as a man to be pushed along and inspired by her goddess like qualities -she inspired me to be better when I had no clue what I was doing" -because when your goddess departs your inspiration will too.  But if you are proactive, if you take initiative, if you do the hard work then you own the consequences, good or bad- you take the good with you to the next relationship rather than passively floating along in your haze of lame "all men do this-it's natural".  You know better.  Stop taking the easy way out and getting in your own way.  It's a real turn off too to any woman who is a healthy person and ready for an t

Thank you for sharing. I agree that in a perfect world I would be self motivated. But that is simply not a reality for me.

It is very natural to want to be the best you can be for the pursuit of love and happiness, and nothing you can say will change that. It is not changing myself so much as becoming the better version of me.

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Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, Seff said:

Thank you for sharing. I agree that in a perfect world I would be self motivated. But that is simply not a reality for me.

It is very natural to want to be the best you can be for the pursuit of love and happiness, and nothing you can say will change that. It is not changing myself so much as becoming the better version of me.

Nothing to do with perfect world.  Self-motivation is essential for anything that requires putting in effort to overcome challenges or obstacles. And an essential component of all close relationships.

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)

What is a reality is that since I have met her, I am feeling better, and have stopped doing self destructive habits, and am now on a track of self improvement.

Even when I thought she wanted to just fade away completely, I still didnt go back to old destructive habits.

I needed something here, to jump start my life efforts, and she has been the catalyst. 

To be clear, I dont expect her the driving force behind my motovation for too long. I just kind of need something to get me going.

Once I have been getting into a routine of self improvenent in various areas, then that forward momentum will have a life of its own. I will feel accomplished and proud, and want to continue down those paths, because they will bring me satisfaction intrinsicly.

Edited by Seff
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Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Nothing to do with perfect world.  Self-motivation is essential for anything that requires putting in effort to overcome challenges or obstacles. And an essential component of all close relationships.

Look you are not getting it. And I wont continue to argue here. The world is full of people with opinions and advice, but actually no one is in your shoes, has lived your life, besides yourself. 

I am in need of some motivation to get going here, and it is working for me.  Whereas I have read many self improvement books, been through countless therapies, addiction therapies, and so forth with little to no avail.

 

Edited by Seff
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1 minute ago, Seff said:

Look you are not getting it. And I wont continue to argue here. The world is full if people with opinions and advice, but actually no one is in your shoes, has lived your life, besides yourself. 

I am need of some motivation to get going, and it is working for me.  Where as I have read many self improvement books, been through countless therapies, addiction therapies, and so forth with little to no avail.

 

Best of luck!

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29 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You know the flip side of this is it's draining being anyone's muse. You're her admirer but it can get a little one-sided if you're putting that pressure on someone to live up to any unrealistic expectations. People want to be accepted as they are, not what they should be. Remember to find daily inspirations from other interests and endeavours like you're trying to do. It'll help mitigate or manage the anxiety and pressure looking for approval from one person. I know it's hard since you think so well of her. 

Friendships go both ways so refocus and do other things with your time and eventually move on if you feel she's not necessarily much of a friend. Things like these are reciprocal. Good that you're keeping the broader perspective in mind.

Well I honestly cannot imagine I am being draining to her in any degree.  Nor am I clingy or over chatty with her at all. I almost always give her the same energy she gives me. 

I have not placed any pressure on her whatsoever in any regard, and I do not idolize her as being perfect, by no means, she is not. Her flaws are apparent, and thats fine, we all have them.

I think its absolutely great advice to seek other inspirations daily. Thank you.

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47 minutes ago, Seff said:

Lol you guys arent really are not getiin it here, and I wont expect you too anymore...

We get it just fine. We simply disagree with your approach. 

You contradict yourself and back-pedal all over the place. I get it. It's hard when we really like someone and feel defensive, but it's to your own detriment. 

50 minutes ago, Seff said:

Also she has been without a boyfriend for as long as I can remember,  she doesnt want one, as I said previously.

Until she meets the guy who knocks her socks off. I promise you she will want one then. She simply hasn't met him yet. 

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

We get it just fine. We simply disagree with your approach. 

You contradict yourself and back-pedal all over the place. I get it. It's hard when we really like someone and feel defensive, but it's to your own detriment. 

Until she meets the guy who knocks her socks off. I promise you she will want one then. She simply hasn't met him yet. 

Yeah this is true, and I know it, the part about being knocked off her feet. C'est la vie.

In terms of approach, well as I mentioned in previous post, I have tried other approaches with no avail. This is actually working.  For now, and I'll use the forward momentum like a tug boat to get going. Once I'm at sea, I hope my own internal motivations will take over as I feel more accomplished and satisfied with my progress in areas which are important to me.

Edited by Seff
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It depends what you mean by “working”. For example if I chose to yell at my son each time I wanted him to do something it would work. (Well until he tuned me out I guess ). But it would work as a bandaid. And not for the right reasons.  
If I’d married my first fiancée the marriage would have worked - I’d have been married which back then was my sole focus even if it meant marrying Mr Right on Paper. So I’d have gotten what I wanted - to be married.  

if I want to lose a few pounds quickly fasting can work for me. But the risks and downsides aren’t worth it. 
And especially for someone who is insecure and desperate there’s a tendency to cling on to what seems to work by default.  Which doesn’t really work at all. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, its been a little while since I've posted on this thread. I had been thinking of what to say from time to time. Thinking of how I could express my experinces in a way that would allow someone to feel like they're  in my shoes. And although I think I do have the words now, after much introspection,  in the end, I feel its better just to live it, then to explain it.

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3 minutes ago, Seff said:

And although I think I do have the words now, after much introspection,  in the end, I feel its better just to live it, then to explain it.

That sounds very reasonable to me. It's your life, after all.

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1 hour ago, Seff said:

Well, its been a little while since I've posted on this thread. I had been thinking of what to say from time to time. Thinking of how I could express my experinces in a way that would allow someone to feel like they're  in my shoes. And although I think I do have the words now, after much introspection,  in the end, I feel its better just to live it, then to explain it.

I agree. Good luck! 

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