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Should I bother sending this message to a woman who kinda rejected me


Seff
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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses.

The thing is, I have been very isolated, and for a very long time... In my world she did represent a lot to me, unfortunately I must admit... Over the years of me being so isolated she was one of the few people to really care about what I had to say.... we did often have those breif but very meaningful and caring interactions and that meant the world to me....  

Her absence will be fealt greatly... I have been on those dating sites for a while.. I am just lost at what to say to ppl on there, barely ever get a response back..

You guys talk about looks, and people having different types, etc, the thing is the problem with my eyes, it is not like ppl having a preference for hair color, or height or something like that. It has been described as very off putting, even disturbing to look at.... : / Some ppl dont seem to mind or notice, but most ppl do....

But I am getting better at not being super sensetive to other people's judgements... I have a big fear of rejection because it normally has a very negative effect on my confidence, already lacking... It is in our dna btw, to award ourselves esteem according to how others view us.... 

Going out to see her irl, was a definite step out of my comfort zone..I had been especially so afraid of rejection by people I used to know in the past, who used to view me in a good light.. I only went to see her because she needed somoene with her when her cat was put to sleep... Also out of all the ppl I used to know, she fealt the "safest", like I didn't  have to be afraid of her judging me harshly....

Her rejecting me could easily have solidified a negative view about myself. Thankfully I am having a much healthier response then that, and am using this to move forwards.. In fact the rejection was not so bad, and my anticipation of it was worse then it actually happening...

But as I mentioned before this leaves a hole in my life... I cant help but still think about her and how to impress her quite a bit... I pass by her place everytime I come home... The way she faded away here though, I don't know if I should even bother asking her to do one of those things we had planned... It just feels like almost inappropriate after this

 

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Try seeking support and guidance and acceptance first. I am sorry that you're dealing with this difficulty and struggle with acceptance with others and feeling like others don't accept you. It's unacceptable for someone to say that your features or looks are "disturbing" or pass rude comments. I don't know if that was a family member with no filter or a stranger who thought it was ok to say that. 

You are a human being just like anyone else with thoughts, feelings, dreams and goals. Don't be too weighed down (I know it's easier said than done) by what others say or think. Focus hard on what you need to do for yourself and make accomplishments elsewhere that boost you and give you more confidence, preferably start focusing on things other than your looks. Work on skills and other interests. 

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I had a large, misshapen nose when I was younger due to breaking it when I was ten and never having it treated by a doctor.  People made fun of me constantly and called me all sorts of hurtful names.  I believed I was terribly ugly because everyone told me I was.  Some of the guys at my high school actually liked me but they were too embarrassed to be seen with me in front of their friends.  So I was basically completely dateless and boyfriend-less.  I had no date for my junior prom so I sat at home alone instead.  I did have a date for the senior prom because thankfully a boy who didn't pay attention to what the popular boys said asked me, but that and the winter formal were my only two dates in high school.  I never had a boyfriend.

Since I thought I was ugly (because everyone told me I was), when I got a summer job I didn't imagine anyone would like me.  But where I worked, only a few of the employees had gone to my high school and none of the ones who did were in the popular group.  I was shocked to discover many of the boys who worked there liked me and thought I was cute!  I ended up dating an extremely good looking young man (he was an actor) for a few months and the most popular guy in the entire place confessed he'd had a crush on me all summer.  It was totally enlightening to find out I wasn't the hideous creature everyone had always told me I was.

I ended up dating and then marrying a very nice looking young man who went to my college. He didn't care about my big, crooked nose.  I did end up getting it "fixed" because there was some damage from the original fracture. It's no longer crooked but it's still somewhat prominent.  I didn't want to look completely different so the surgeon only did minimal cosmetic work.

I tell you this to assure you that even if you have a feature you don't like or that is somewhat unattractive it doesn't mean YOU are unattractive.  Stop listening to people who are unkind and aren't your true friends (or your friends at all).  All of us have redeeming features and qualities.  Find yours and remind yourself of them whenever you're starting to hear that voice inside your head telling you you're not attractive.

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6 hours ago, Seff said:

I don't know if I should even bother asking her to do one of those things we had planned.

I wouldn't, OP. 

It will keep you stuck in this loop with a woman who ultimately can't give you what you are searching for. 

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Posted (edited)
On 5/13/2022 at 12:08 PM, Seff said:

Its not just wieght. I have become cross eyed as well.... 

Why won't you see an ophthalmologist? What is the nature of this? Why can't you wear glasses that improve your appearance?

There's a lot more you can do if you go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Get some tests done and get appropriate referrals. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Get yourself healthier. Physically and mentally. If you are depressed, anxious or something is physically wrong, take care of it.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get a side hustle, take some classes and courses. Don't just go to work, go to  mom's and go home. Being a recluse will further your isolation.

This woman was not your savior and you were not in a relationship. She didn't "reject" you.

You're rejecting yourself by letting yourself go and not even trying to improve your life or your health.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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On 5/28/2022 at 10:35 PM, Rose Mosse said:

Try seeking support and guidance and acceptance first. I am sorry that you're dealing with this difficulty and struggle with acceptance with others and feeling like others don't accept you. It's unacceptable for someone to say that your features or looks are "disturbing" or pass rude comments. I don't know if that was a family member with no filter or a stranger who thought it was ok to say that. 

You are a human being just like anyone else with thoughts, feelings, dreams and goals. Don't be too weighed down (I know it's easier said than done) by what others say or think. Focus hard on what you need to do for yourself and make accomplishments elsewhere that boost you and give you more confidence, preferably start focusing on things other than your looks. Work on skills and other interests. 

Thanks, it's great advice. I think I will be working on both though, losing weight, and and starting to draw and write again are my focus for now, outside of work and responsibilities.

...The person who made that disparaging comment was someone I met for fwb a long time ago... That was just the tip of it unfortunately, she was very rude to say the least....

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Posted (edited)
On 5/28/2022 at 10:47 PM, boltnrun said:

I had a large, misshapen nose when I was younger due to breaking it when I was ten and never having it treated by a doctor.  People made fun of me constantly and called me all sorts of hurtful names.  I believed I was terribly ugly because everyone told me I was.  Some of the guys at my high school actually liked me but they were too embarrassed to be seen with me in front of their friends.  So I was basically completely dateless and boyfriend-less.  I had no date for my junior prom so I sat at home alone instead.  I did have a date for the senior prom because thankfully a boy who didn't pay attention to what the popular boys said asked me, but that and the winter formal were my only two dates in high school.  I never had a boyfriend.

Since I thought I was ugly (because everyone told me I was), when I got a summer job I didn't imagine anyone would like me.  But where I worked, only a few of the employees had gone to my high school and none of the ones who did were in the popular group.  I was shocked to discover many of the boys who worked there liked me and thought I was cute!  I ended up dating an extremely good looking young man (he was an actor) for a few months and the most popular guy in the entire place confessed he'd had a crush on me all summer.  It was totally enlightening to find out I wasn't the hideous creature everyone had always told me I was.

I ended up dating and then marrying a very nice looking young man who went to my college. He didn't care about my big, crooked nose.  I did end up getting it "fixed" because there was some damage from the original fracture. It's no longer crooked but it's still somewhat prominent.  I didn't want to look completely different so the surgeon only did minimal cosmetic work.

I tell you this to assure you that even if you have a feature you don't like or that is somewhat unattractive it doesn't mean YOU are unattractive.  Stop listening to people who are unkind and aren't your true friends (or your friends at all).  All of us have redeeming features and qualities.  Find yours and remind yourself of them whenever you're starting to hear that voice inside your head telling you you're not attractive.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience.. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.... People, especially youngsters, can be so cruel and shallow. I can really relate...

I'm so happy things turned around for you though.... I wish that after highschool, I could have had similar experinces that disproved my beliefs no woman could love me.. (due to other physical defects I've not shared here)...   Because I also was lead to believe by many people in highschool,  that a part of my physicality was not acceptable and certainly not desirable... It eventually lead to me having a major mental breakdown, followed by depression and withdrawal from freinds and family... to which I am still suffering this day... lol

But c'est la vie... I am getting better, I think slowly but surely. Slowly being the operative word.. I pray I can one day fully assimilate the fact that I am not unlovable into my outlook, instead of just kinda believing it... But it will come with more positive experiences.. 

Edited by Seff
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...So she messaged me now asking if I'm free this weekend... I dunno if I really feal like hanging with her honestly now, but I dont want to like put her off... Maybe I will just say I'm a bit busy this weekend as I am... Or heck I dunno we were just supposed to hang out at the park for a bit...

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Personally, no, I wouldn't see her. She seems to touch base with you whenever it's convenient for her or you come like an afterthought. It triggers your anxiety and you feel low and worthless when she's inconsistent. 

You said that you spend too much time impressing her. Life is too short for this... friends shouldn't have to impress friends and same for relationships. You just show care and support and love one another, end of story. No need to impress or walk on eggshells. I hope you find your crowd and also someone special one day where you don't feel the need to impress anyone and can be free to be you.

 

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5 hours ago, Seff said:

. Maybe I will just say I'm a bit busy this weekend as I am... Or heck I dunno we were just supposed to hang out at the park for a bit...

Why push people away? If you want to get out more and have friends?

The more you narrow your world down to just work, staying in and being isolated and sedentary,the more you'll exacerbate this cycle.

If you want change, make some changes.

 

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Posted (edited)

Yeah, I agree with what you wrote Rose Mosse and MissCanuck.

I told her that I can't for a lil while as busy with estate and unpacking and stuff..

...Now will I still go and see her next month? And will I still try to impress her, which is like just totally futile at this point? Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I probably will lol...

But I mean, I will do so with the obvious expectations, and just let it go after that...

And by let it go I mean I wont contact her, but will try to come up with fb posts to impress her nonetheless, lol

Now that might seem pretty unhealthy and unwise... But I won't have the actual expectation of a romantic outcome with her...  I mean it would be much healthier if I felt motivated to get in shape, show off some artwork and things like that for my own benefit, or to impress someone who fealt the same way at least...

But thats just not the case with me... The fact is I will end up improving my physical health, and working on art and hobbies and stuff with her in the back of my mind. Although things will not go the way I'd like with her, in the end I'll have improved myself while still looking elsewhere throuought, and especially once I've progressed.

Edited by Seff
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11 hours ago, Seff said:

But I mean, I will do so with the obvious expectations, and just let it go after that...

And by let it go I mean I wont contact her, but will try to come up with fb posts to impress her nonetheless, lol

OP, do you mind if I ask how old you are? I may have missed that in the thread somewhere.

With due respect, it's a fairly immature move to try to get someone's attention with transparent social media posts. It's not going to make someone fall in love with you and want to be with you. 

11 hours ago, Seff said:

But I won't have the actual expectation of a romantic outcome with her... 

I think you're only fooling yourself by believing you will have no expectations, and won't subsequently be hurt when she still doesn't want to date you. You need to be more honest with yourself here. 

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12 hours ago, Seff said:

Yeah, I agree with what you wrote Rose Mosse and MissCanuck.

I told her that I can't for a lil while as busy with estate and unpacking and stuff..

...Now will I still go and see her next month? And will I still try to impress her, which is like just totally futile at this point? Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I probably will lol...

But I mean, I will do so with the obvious expectations, and just let it go after that...

And by let it go I mean I wont contact her, but will try to come up with fb posts to impress her nonetheless, lol

Now that might seem pretty unhealthy and unwise... But I won't have the actual expectation of a romantic outcome with her...  I mean it would be much healthier if I felt motivated to get in shape, show off some artwork and things like that for my own benefit, or to impress someone who fealt the same way at least...

But thats just not the case with me... The fact is I will end up improving my physical health, and working on art and hobbies and stuff with her in the back of my mind. Although things will not go the way I'd like with her, in the end I'll have improved myself while still looking elsewhere throuought, and especially once I've progressed.

As long as you stay focused on the big picture and self-improvement, the less she'll have an effect over time. It may not be something as clear right now but you'll see that for yourself. 

I see what you're saying and you're walking a tightrope. For someone as isolated as you are, I think it's detrimental that you completely cut yourself off from friends. The issue is not relying on this one friend for all your needs and support or being caught up in a fantasy. 

Have the broad view of making new friends and meeting other people, working on your art and other hobbies. 

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, do you mind if I ask how old you are? I may have missed that in the thread somewhere.

With due respect, it's a fairly immature move to try to get someone's attention with transparent social media posts. It's not going to make someone fall in love with you and want to be with you. 

I think you're only fooling yourself by believing you will have no expectations, and won't subsequently be hurt when she still doesn't want to date you. You need to be more honest with yourself here. 

So I normally dont post much to social media at all.  In terms of what I was thinking to post... I mean I would not actually expect someone to fall in love or be swayed into a relationship by them, that would be silly... The posts I was thinking of posting, I don't  know how transparent they would be... just an assertation of my views and my value, which I think a lot of social media posts are, right? A finished painting, an elaborate meal prepaired by myself, some poetry I wrote, you know, that sort of thing meant to impress the general public not one person in particular.

I think you're right that I will have some hope, if not exactly expectations, that things will progress with her. And I think you're right that I will feel hurt in the end.

But it's kinda that bit of hope that I find a lot motivation in, whereas without it, I just feel like a sailboat with no wind in sight...Being hurt is something I am willing to venture, if it will push me along.

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7 minutes ago, Seff said:

The posts I was thinking of posting, I don't  know how transparent they would be... just an assertation of my views and my value, which I think a lot of social media posts are, right?

The difference here is that you have already admitted that your goal would be to impress her. 

And it will keep you stuck, wondering if she has seen your posts, if she's going to "like" them, if she's "impressed" by them. It's not going to help you to engage in this sort of activity. Your goal needs to be to move on from this woman, and not do whatever you think would impress her most. You will never move on from her otherwise. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

As long as you stay focused on the big picture and self-improvement, the less she'll have an effect over time. It may not be something as clear right now but you'll see that for yourself. 

I see what you're saying and you're walking a tightrope. For someone as isolated as you are, I think it's detrimental that you completely cut yourself off from friends. The issue is not relying on this one friend for all your needs and support or being caught up in a fantasy. 

Have the broad view of making new friends and meeting other people, working on your art and other hobbies. 

Yeah, It's very tough for me, the people whome I was once close with have all moved well on, and in some cases not even in the country anymore.

But beyond that I am rusty at socializing, and I am also most likely the most introverted person you will ever meet. People drain me... Being alone has become addictive because it is so calming.. I know I should really reach out more, but I dunno I just fee so much more at peace when I don't... I def need to work on this.

"The issue is not relying on this one friend for all your needs and support or being caught up in a fantasy. "    Yeah this is a tough part. I am not counting on her for any support...but I wish there was another lady who inspired me to better myself, but yeah, not so much.. In terms of being caught up in a fantasy, yeah I agree its not the best way to go.. And the downfalls of that would be focusing too much energy on her without looking elsewhere, and then feeling really hurt when things don't work out... I will ofc try to prevent the former, as for the latter, well I'll have to get over it.

Just as you said, It will be a bit of a tightrope walk, but keeping the broader pitcure in mind is exactly the intention here.

Edited by Seff
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32 minutes ago, Seff said:

Being hurt is something I am willing to venture, if it will push me along.

Being hurt in the way you intend that consequence won't "push you along" -and anyway any goal is worthwhile because you take initiative from a positive place.  

If you want to assert your views and value do that through actions -by living a productive, fun, fulfilling life.  Not by looking to others to inspire you in the manner you describe it-that's no one's job.  

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15 hours ago, Seff said:

I won't have the actual expectation of a romantic outcome with her... 

Ok, that's fine, after all you've been friends for a while. If/when you are ready to date someone you'll do something about your mental and physical health to feel better.

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17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The difference here is that you have already admitted that your goal would be to impress her. 

And it will keep you stuck, wondering if she has seen your posts, if she's going to "like" them, if she's "impressed" by them. It's not going to help you to engage in this sort of activity. Your goal needs to be to move on from this woman, and not do whatever you think would impress her most. You will never move on from her otherwise. 

Yeah, I really dont know about that.

First off I wont have to feel much anguish over wether or not she will ract to my posts, she's one of the only ones that consistently does. 

But moreover, I will have to improve myself, to work on my art, poetry, cooking, etc to make those posts... And this will be very benifical for me... And while she will be in the back of my mind as work on this and my life in general, so will the possibility of finding someone else who will value me, my efforts, and uniquness.

 

 

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Posted (edited)
26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Being hurt in the way you intend that consequence won't "push you along" -and anyway any goal is worthwhile because you take initiative from a positive place.  

If you want to assert your views and value do that through actions -by living a productive, fun, fulfilling life.  Not by looking to others to inspire you in the manner you describe it-that's no one's job.  

Lol it is not a job. And requires nothing of her but to exist. I am not asking or expecting anything of her beyond what will unfold natuarally.

You may not fully understand what its like to be as isolated as I have been, or what its like to have given up hope of finding someone, but the thought of being with her, or someone like her, is what will push me to take action towards a fulfilling life...

It is, after all the natural way of things for a man to want to improve himself for woman. To be clear, this is a main driving factor in many if not most mens lives. And it is something that has been absent in my life for a long time, but that she has resparked. The goal is to lead that fulfilling life and to share it with someone I love. I am well aware that likely will not be her.

Edited by Seff
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11 minutes ago, Seff said:

You may not fully understand what its like to be as isolated as I have been, or what its like to have given up hope of finding someone, but the thought of being with her, or someone like her, is what will push me to take action towards a fulfilling life...

It is, after all the natural way of things for a man to want to improve himself for woman. To be clear, this is a main driving factor in many if not most mens lives. And it is something that has been absent in my life for a long time, but that she has resparked. The goal is to lead that fulfilling life and to share it with someone I love. I am well aware that likely will not be her.

Please don't make that assumption.  No it's not natural for a person to look to others to inspire the person to change.  It's a choice - not "natural" and a poor one.  IMO.  A good choice is to initiate change, be proactive and then as part of your initiation, as part of your proactive actions, look to others who have been down that path as people who inspire you as role models - but not to push you along.  If you need to be pushed then you're not ready as an adult to actually make the change and own the responsibilities that come with it.  It's why the marriage vows make clear that you both come of your own free will - not because anyone pushed you along.  For example.  

Yes you can have in your mind your goal -the type of person you want to be with -the values that person will have, common goals, common sense of humor - and then while you make your own independent choices -while you do the work to be the right person to find the right person -it will make it easier to screen out those people who you don't have enough in common with.

I have a male teenager as a son.  He is not yet an adult so I as a parent provide opportunities for him to grow and improve and develop - he doesn't have the same access I do. Yes I "push" him to try new things.  Because he's not yet an adult.  But even with a child, I lead the horse to water so to speak.  It will backfire if I actually "push" too hard.  I did this yesterday with an opportunity I found for him for the summer.  He admitted that the first day was "ok" and he learned a couple of things.  Total win.  I told him - you will thank me later.  We all need that when we're minors, especially teenagers - adults who yes do push us along sometimes -hopefully just gently.  I was pushed at times. And I'm thankful.  

You are an adult.  As an adult it's time to own your choices including in romantic relationships.  It's so much more worthwhile and then you don't have the excuse of "well it's not my fault she ended up being bad for me - it was natural for me as a man to be pushed along and inspired by her goddess like qualities -she inspired me to be better when I had no clue what I was doing" -because when your goddess departs your inspiration will too.  But if you are proactive, if you take initiative, if you do the hard work then you own the consequences, good or bad- you take the good with you to the next relationship rather than passively floating along in your haze of lame "all men do this-it's natural".  You know better.  Stop taking the easy way out and getting in your own way.  It's a real turn off too to any woman who is a healthy person and ready for an LTR.

 

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58 minutes ago, Seff said:

First off I wont have to feel much anguish over wether or not she will ract to my posts, she's one of the only ones that consistently does. 

You are missing my point. 

My point is that doing anything on social media with the express goal of impressing her (which you have already stated is your goal), is counter-productive. 

And one day it will hurt you when she starts to pay less attention. Because that day will come. And you are kidding yourself if you think you will be enjoying the side benefits of all this self-improvement so much that you don't care when she starts fading out. 

You have been doing way too much for way too long to keep this woman's attention. And you're still plotting out ways to do it. At some point, you are going to realize how much of a waste of energy it all was. And my guess is that will be when she gets a boyfriend and your heart breaks all over again. 

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1 hour ago, Seff said:

It is, after all the natural way of things for a man to want to improve himself for woman. To be clear, this is a main driving factor in many if not most mens lives. And it is something that has been absent in my life for a long time, but that she has resparked.

OK she inspires you. I got somebody similar last year. Got more physically active, tried to look best, picked up a new skill, socialized more, even somehow got more confident around her. It didnt worked at the end, I still wasnt enough(for that girl nobody is enough, she is still single, very special case). What I am trying to say is, its nice that you try to self-improve. But you need to know that it would never be enough for people who dont already see something in you. People who dont already see something in you, are highly unlikely to see anything after you improve. They just wont care. Or find something else they dont like about you. Its like that with people who dont like you and accept you. That is why its futile to do it for them.

Ultimately, you should do the stuff you do because of your improvement. So you could feel better about yourself. Doing that stuff to impress somebody who you know already doesnt like you is a quick way to dissapointment. And it wont get you happy. If you want to publish something on social media just do it. But dont look up her "like" as a validation. Do it for yourself, not for somebody else. 

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