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Should I bother sending this message to a woman who kinda rejected me


Seff
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45 minutes ago, Seff said:

Ok so I am kinda makin an about face here. As much as I really don't want to, I think I will just have to let her go for now, because I am getting way too stressed about trying to impress her... I just want her too much I gss. I cant stop thinking about her honestly, and it is starting to effect my sleep, which I need because my work is stressful enough....

I want to leave things amicably. She usually starts a convo by sending me some link, then I ask how shes doin. This Sunday,  I think I will just emoji her message instead of continuing to a convo.... I hope that will be recieved well... and she won't be I dunno insulted or anything... 

In any case, I will continue to build a larger network of freinds in the mean time and try to branch out into other activities as well...In time. Also I am still on those dating apps.

This was a comfortable place for you until it isn't/won't be any longer when you focus more on your own growth. 

Keep working on your self-confidence and enjoying the company of others you appreciate and vice versa. 

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1 hour ago, Seff said:

She usually starts a convo by sending me some link, then I ask how shes doin. This Sunday,  I think I will just emoji her message instead of continuing to a convo.... I hope that will be recieved well.

Is there a reason you cannot take a more mature, direct approach and actually use your words? 

This emoji/selfie/meme business is for teens, OP. You can be upfront and let her know that since you want different things, it would be best to go your separate ways. She's a grown-up; I'm sure she would understand why you are taking this approach. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is there a reason you cannot take a more mature, direct approach and actually use your words? 

I agree. Do you think adult women just love emojis, text speak, memes and words like "welp"? 

Honestly, if a man communicated with me that way I'd give it a side eye.

Perhaps that's how she communicates. Does she use memes and text speak when she messages you?

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8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This emoji/selfie/meme business is for teens

😱😬🤣😂😾😿🙀😽😼😸😺😹

Agree send a text that's easy-breezy and friendly, not just an emoji

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Seff said:

Although I would like a monogamous relationship, I dont feel I am in a position to be as supportive as I'd like to be in one, atm.

Correct me if I'm wrong, you're not looking for a relationship so why you're keeping her around while worrying about impressing her doesn't make sense. Distance yourself overall and don't play text-tag with one another. Free your time up to spend on hobbies and other things you enjoy, finish what you have to finish and get ahead in your career, feel good about yourself and then think of dating. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Yes she uses such things as emojis in her communications with me, and this would be consistent and the meaning would be conveyed here without having to say things directly.... Her work puts her in constant contact with younger generations so this may be why...

I really like her, as I mentioned... I dont want to close the door forever. It seems too heavy handed this relationship talk you guys are suggesting...

 

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Posted (edited)

I don't think it's a big deal to use an emoji. Sometimes an emoji says it all. Especially the middle finger emoji 😄 (I jest, I jest).

But seriously. To me, the big deal is that you are already walking on eggshells around her:

3 hours ago, Seff said:

I hope that will be recieved well... and she won't be I dunno insulted or anything... 

This is too much. 

I hope you get to the headspace where you can just be yourself--send the emoji (or whatever)--and not worry about the consequences. Frankly, if she gets bent out of shape about an emoji--uggh! Just uggh. Do you really want such a sour woman? Maybe you do.

Personally, I think that the best relationships are the ones where you can be yourself, and be loved for the person you are.

Edited by Jibralta
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4 hours ago, Seff said:

Ok so I am kinda makin an about face here. As much as I really don't want to, I think I will just have to let her go for now, because I am getting way too stressed about trying to impress her... I just want her too much I gss. I cant stop thinking about her honestly, and it is starting to effect my sleep, which I need because my work is stressful enough....

 

Think you should read a bit about limerence

https://www.brides.com/limerence-vs-love-5193245#:~:text=Limerence is a state of,explains psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie.

Your state of thought has many similarities with that condition. You are talking about somebody who has stated that she wants FWB, and even stated that doesnt want monogamous relationship. Even borrowed money from you. She is not some catch by any means. And yet you get obsessed there. Thinking she somehow inspires you and will fulfill your life with purpose. That wont happen. In most limerence relationships, feelings of the person experiencing it is on a downright spiral. As the reality kicks in and you realize that other person wont fulfill those high expectations. 

I am not against you trying anything. Call for a coffee. You mentioned cats and that both of you have them(I think) so organize a playdate between them and that would give you a chance to talk a bit more. See if it leads anywhere, if it doesnt, say Goodbye and move on. But you constantly obsessing, thinking that she needs to be in your life at any price(even by just being friends) is not a good state of mind for you. You also see that yourself. So either try something, or just let it go completely. 

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Posted (edited)

No. I respectfully fully disagree with the conclusions you've drawn here.

In fact I'm in a much better headspace, and yes she has reminded me of what i'm like when full of life..Which I hadn't remembered in quite some time actually..

This type of thing really propells you. 

At the same time it is not time to call her for a coffee,  I couldn't imagine putting myself through that, the way I'm feeling now, because the stress is real....

So thats its it for now. She has propelled me on in life but wont be a regular part of it. Not just yet anyways... And hey, if she does find a monogamous relationship between then and now, so be it, thats life.

 

 

Edited by Seff
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OK, well, you know she wants FWB, she probably doesn't want a relationship. You're messaging her on Facebook, right? You said you think your appearance is the problem but couldn't she see your photos on Facebook? And she suggested something about sex before? So probably your looks aren't actually a problem to her? 

You seem very fixated on this woman so I think you need to either actually do something about it or maybe just start cutting down the contact and slow fade. The problem is you don't just want to be friends with her, even though you're trying to tell yourself that you do. She probably doesn't want a relationship so are you OK with FWB if she wanted it? Or you'd want more?

I think just go for it and tell her you like her. Yes rejection is scary but your other option is just hanging there in the friendzone limbo.

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8 hours ago, Seff said:

 it is not time to call her for a coffee

Agree. Just stay friends. Stay in touch and text exchanges are fine for that.

This isn't a dating situation so there's no rules about going for coffee or not being allowed to use emojis etc. 

Just keep the texts in a volleying rhythm so that you are not overtexting.

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Posted (edited)

You feel a little socially awkward, alone and wanting to change that?  How do you do that?  Practice.  Honestly, there is no other way.

Try not to view this exchange with this young lady as a loss, but a gain and opportunity to practice.  You may make mistakes (everyone does) but you learn by making little corrections. You've already proven you can do that.  This is a good thing. 

It may never turn into anything romantic, but one can't have too many friends.  Giving up and retreating gets you more of the same.

Baseball players don't become better hitting the ball by standing outside the batting cage, watching.  They get better by getting in and swinging.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Sunday has came and went, no word from her. Truth is she wanted to be done with me after our first meeting irl...  this has all been a slow fade away... what she saw in me that day, and some bad vibes I unwittingly sent her way... I don't think I can ever recover from... I don't think I made that clear enough before.. 

I am feeling pretty miserable... over the years I always tried to say thoughtful and caring things to her.. I always hoped... 

I want a new life. I wish I could just press reset.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Seff said:

Sunday has came and went, no word from her. Truth is she wanted to be done with me after our first meeting irl...  this has all been a slow fade away... what she saw in me that day, and some bad vibes I unwittingly sent her way... I don't think I can ever recover from... I don't think I made that clear enough before.. 

I am feeling pretty miserable... over the years I always tried to say thoughtful and caring things to her.. I always hoped... 

I want a new life. I wish I could just press reset.

Ok step back a little, some deep breaths and get a good rest. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and putting things in perspective. Time out to feel bummed but don't let it overtake your life or prevent you from going about your business and doing what you need to do. 

A new life is possible if you make the appropriate decisions and follow through with the plans you have for yourself. It's not instant and there are no miracles. You're going to have to work for it. One day at a time. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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1 hour ago, Seff said:

I am feeling pretty miserable... over the years I always tried to say thoughtful and caring things to her.. I always hoped... 

It's a blessing in disguise that you're finally realizing it's not going to happen, Seff. 

There is no point waiting around even longer for someone who just doesn't want what you want. It hurts now, but it's better in the end. You've wasted far too much time on her already. 

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It could have though... she wanted the same thing I wanted until we met..

It could have, if things were different I had made better decisions in the past, not gotten so withdrawn etc...

It could have, but it won't happen now, and it's one heck of a bitter pill to swallow...

 

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A lot of things in life could have been. 

But they're not. That can be disappointing, yes. But there is no point wallowing too much over what could have been. We have to face what is

It will take time to accept, but that's a much better way to spend your time rather than hanging on to false hope and gaining nothing for it. 

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3 hours ago, Seff said:

It could have though... she wanted the same thing I wanted until we met..

It could have, if things were different I had made better decisions in the past, not gotten so withdrawn etc...

It could have, but it won't happen now, and it's one heck of a bitter pill to swallow...

 

Not so sure she was ever interested and she’s entitled to that also. This is like any meeting in person upon discovering there’s no physical chemistry or attraction. I’m not too convinced that you could have done anything to change that. 

Your confidence is very low. Don’t take this so personally. Brush it off and make new friends. If you are interested in someone ask them out on a date. Keep it simple, clean and straightforward.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Your confidence is very low. Don’t take this so personally. Brush it off and make new friends.

I agree. I get that it feels personal, but it's not as personal as you think. 

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Well I had said before I thought the rejection was physical. To which some had replied it may not have been purely about looks. And I'd have to agree with that actually... I feel it was more about our exchanges that day... but I guess I'll never know how much was from column A, and how much was from column B.....

 

There's no way for me to not take this personally either way. If its based purely on looks, then I'd just feel like there's no hope in finding someone I'm attracted to,  finding me attractive as well. Because some of the looks I just cant do much about, like that i've gone cross eyed... 

If its more about the dynamic we had that day, and the bad vibes I unwittingly sent her way, when she was liike showing off her bod and guaging my reaction to, I would feel both worse and better and the same time...

Better because I'd feel like my looks don't mark me as a complete write off, when it comes to attracting a mate... And worse because the rejection was more about my mindstate, which I could have done more about.

In the end, although its a very bitter pill to swallow, I prefer this latter option. Although it gives me much grief to think of what could have been, in this scenario, I still have a degree of control and hope for a better outcome next time...

A better outcome the next time I meet a wildly attractive artistic woman that I have so much in common with, that I've been talking to since high school, and that lives right next door. Because yeah, I meet women like this all the time, heh.

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You’re thinking that her opinion is also what other women might think of you in terms of your looks. What I meant by not taking it personally is acknowledging that there’s a myriad of different “looks” out there and what someone may be into, may not be what the next person finds attractive. It’s very evident that you’ve isolated yourself quite a bit. Try meeting more people and leave this safety zone. 

I know you’re hurt and feeling down but put things in perspective. Be careful with sarcasm as it comes across as negative and overly critical, of yourself in this case. 

And lastly if it was about your reaction don’t you think someone of more substance or who had more interest would have given it a shot anyway instead of being so easily swayed? You say you’ve known each other for some time also. It would be so petty to judge you from your initial reactions. 

You’re much better off brushing this off and finding others to be around who appreciate you exactly as you are.  

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So it's fine if it's about your looks as long as it's not a situation about poor hygiene or a "look" of -for example -anger or similar that would generally be a turn off.  Different strokes.  Some people have very specific types including as far as height, body type, even hair color. I'm sorry you're feeling upset about it.

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2 hours ago, Seff said:

A better outcome the next time I meet a wildly attractive artistic woman that I have so much in common with, that I've been talking to since high school, and that lives right next door

Why do you feel this is important? 

You're creating a scarcity mindset, when in reality, the vast majority of us don't wind up with someone we've known since highschool who lives right next door. I can see why having common interests is important, but the rest is you placing too much value on things that don't actually count for much. 

This woman isn't some rare specimen, in other words. 

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