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Should I bother sending this message to a woman who kinda rejected me


Seff
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I get what you are saying and I definitely see how u could have came to that conclusion but to write her off as someone just out to use, that was not genuinely interested in the image of me that she had in her mind, well thats just not the case...

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On 5/14/2022 at 1:10 AM, Seff said:

. . .  she represents what I'm after in life I suppose. A beautiful woman with whom I share a lot of similaritities and interests with...

It sux because she really inspired a lot of hope in me, and now it kinda feels like falling into despair again would be.... would be exactly what the old me would do...

I'm not gonna let that happen though, as best I can. Instead Im gonna improve myself, and level up. But man,  findin another woman like her will be tough, I have been on those datin sites.........

So given this, the best message you can come up with, to express your interest, is: 

* "welp hola if you wanna talk about anything, heh, enjoy your weekend namaste." ??

or

*a selfie of you waving ??

Boring.  Do you have anything to actually SAY?  Is anything going on in your life that you could mention or discuss?

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I see, hmmm, good advice.

Welp not much unfortunately, I am working on liquidating my grandmother's estate...

I know I already said that I wasnt gonna message her, but honestly I feel to have changed my mind. I mostly didnt want to because I was afraid of no response or a poor one, but I feel that wouldn't be so terrible if thats the case.

I am thinking of sending the waiving selfie, and saying something liike:

Hey, sorry if I was at all dismissive that day, I had to run out to do a lot of errands including filing off important papers for my grandma's estate, and was also very burnt out from work that weekend. How are you doing today?

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32 minutes ago, Seff said:

I am thinking of sending the waiving selfie, and saying something liike:

Hey, sorry if I was at all dismissive that day, I had to run out to do a lot of errands including filing off important papers for my grandma's estate, and was also very burnt out from work that weekend. How are you doing today?

Just ask if she would like to go for coffee/an event/activity sometime. Skip the heavy-duty relationship talks or attempting to build rapport through making excuses about anything.

If you wan a friend, be a friend. Invite her to do something fun.

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Posted (edited)

Welp she messaged me today, before I had a chance to, and we had a brief convo.  When we first met up she did say she was free to talk on Sundays..

You guys were right though, I feel apologizing would of been too heavy handed.

We have plans to go out to the park sometime this summer, and to do some art together sometime as well. Those things will be happening I gss . So I don't feel there's a need to really rush into asking her out rn. 

It seems we will keepin in  touch on fb till then....every Sunday at least....

I do wish I was more fun and exciting talk to.. I'm so rusty at this stuff.

Edited by Seff
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31 minutes ago, Seff said:

Those things will be happening I gss . So I don't feel there's a need to really rush into asking her out rn. 

It seems we will keepin in  touch on fb till then....every Sunday at least....

It's more about being too passive and you've slipped into the same problem again here. It's up to you if you want to keep up this charade for an indefinite amount of time without any real plans to go out on a date.

I suspect that you are afraid of being vulnerable and as a result are emotionally unavailable. Remaining in this situation fits or feels comfortable because you don't have to face the thought of being rejected if she doesn't want to date you or see you in a romantic way. It's a roundabout way of avoiding rejection.

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Posted (edited)

I'm not sure what charade you are talking about exactly? A charade to be her friend? I will take what I can get...  I don't feel she wants to go out on a "date" type thing rn. And frankly I am extremely busy myself, having just moved, the settling my grandmothers estate, and vying for promotion at work

I'm fine with keeping friends with her. I mean I hope something more can develop, but if it doesn't she still will have helped me get out of this funk I've been in. And that's very important to me - keeping her as a friend, no matter if things go further or not.

 

" suspect that you are afraid of being vulnerable and as a result are emotionally unavailable. Remaining in this situation fits or feels comfortable because you don't have to face the thought of being rejected if she doesn't want to date you or see you in a romantic way. It's a roundabout way of avoiding rejection."

 

I mean there may be some truth to this. I certainly don't deal well with rejection. But liike the rejection has pretty much already taken place I guess. She is seeing me as a friend only, the benefits discussed earlier are not on the table at this point. This is clear. So I'm certainly not going to push it. I'm going to stay friends, and work on myself. I hope something more will develop in the future, if I am able to impress or whatever, but if it doesn't so be it.  I'll still be be a lot better off in the long run here, keeping her as  friend /muse/ someone who inspires me, and then there's always other fish in the sea, right?

Edited by Seff
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Posted (edited)

I'll be straightforward:

Do you want to see her? ---> You ask her out. "Hi, how about having some coffee this Sunday at 4 PM at Coffee Shop X?" A Yes / No answer will quickly tell you how she feels about you.

Endlessly chitchatting on messaging apps or social media is exhausting (especially when you're really busy), utterly mundane and, most likely, will get you nowhere.

The only way that something more can develop is if you ask her out and she accepts. No need to label it a date. By spending time with her, you'll both get to know each other better.

Don't sell yourself short. You deserve more than "I will take what I can get". Either she appreciates as well as respects you or you find someone else who does.

Edited by greendots
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Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, Seff said:

I'm not sure what charade you are talking about exactly? A charade to be her friend? I will take what I can get...  I don't feel she wants to go out on a "date" type thing rn. And frankly I am extremely busy myself, having just moved, the settling my grandmothers estate, and vying for promotion at work

I'm fine with keeping friends with her. I mean I hope something more can develop, but if it doesn't she still will have helped me get out of this funk I've been in. And that's very important to me - keeping her as a friend, no matter if things go further or not.

You seem to like her as more than a friend so no she is not just a friend. That is the charade. It's not acknowledging the situation as more than friends. She's someone you have feelings for. 

I don't think it's healthy to hang onto friendships like this that have already crossed that line. Good luck with the new move, promotion and settling the estate. If you don't see yourself with her, free yourself to be with someone else and pursue other romantic interests. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I am looking into other people on the dating apps... though I don't find many compatible people on those in general. Like 1 out of every 300 profiles, lol....

I feel what you are saying, but I am not the usual case. In that I will benefit greatly from having her as a friend myself being quite isolated.

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2 minutes ago, Seff said:

I am looking into other people on the dating apps... though I don't find many compatible people on those in general. Like 1 out of every 300 profiles, lol....

I feel what you are saying, but I am not the usual case. In that I will benefit greatly from having her as a friend myself being quite isolated.

Friends hang out, do fun stuff together.

Also, have you considered joining meetup groups, volunteer or similar? It's a great way to be less isolated and you get to meet so many interesting people. I met an ex-boyfriend through such a group.

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20 minutes ago, Seff said:

I feel what you are saying, but I am not the usual case. In that I will benefit greatly from having her as a friend myself being quite isolated.

This isn't going to change until you want to make that change in yourself. Have more faith and courage. Start small and join a book club or something you can get into that meets online even. Branch out and start meeting others in person for local meets, swap meets etc in a craft or sport you're interested in. Take courses and learn something new. You are already working on your career so this might not be reasonable or the right time right now but leave that door open. Look into courses of interest anyway.

There is a lot to do if you want to and people to meet or new friends to make but it won't happen on its own. 

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Seff said:

 I don't find many compatible people on those in general. Like 1 out of every 300 profiles.

This is self-imposed. It's fine to make friends. But you can't expect one woman from the past to babysit.

You need to address the physical and mental health issues and take care of yourself.

If you only find 0.3% of profiles appealing enough to contact them, you're the problem.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is self-imposed. It's fine to make friends. But you can't expect one woman from the past to babysit.

You need to address the physical and mental health issues and take care of yourself.

If you only find 0.3% of profiles appealing enough to contact them, you're the problem.

 

Well this was a bit of an exaggeration.  But thanks, lol. To be clear I never said, I wasn't the "problem".  I am not being hyper critical of others here... I am the one with the physical and mental issues as you put it...

If you had both of those, which I am working on btw, how many ppl would you feel comfortable contacting for a date? 

Edited by Seff
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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you still going to be fine being her friend when she starts dating the next guy? 

To a degree yes, we'll always be friends. Also she said she is not into monogamous relationships these days anyways.

Edited by Seff
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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

This isn't going to change until you want to make that change in yourself. Have more faith and courage. Start small and join a book club or something you can get into that meets online even. Branch out and start meeting others in person for local meets, swap meets etc in a craft or sport you're interested in. Take courses and learn something new. You are already working on your career so this might not be reasonable or the right time right now but leave that door open. Look into courses of interest anyway.

There is a lot to do if you want to and people to meet or new friends to make but it won't happen on its own. 

I mean its good advice, but I am so swamped these days, and also weary of meetups due to covid. Which isnt to say online groups arent a thing; I have joined such a group of like minded folks. 

Still though this woman inspires me, and that is rare.

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, greendots said:

Friends hang out, do fun stuff together.

Good point!

I mean we will be hangin eventually. 

She lives close by btw.

If I think of something to invite her to I will.

I'm definitely an introverted home body though, whose also very weary of catching covid.  ..My elderly mother who I see often refuses the vaccine unfortunately..

Edited by Seff
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3 hours ago, Seff said:

To a degree yes, we'll always be friends. Also she said she is not into monogamous relationships these days anyways.

My question still stands: are you going to feel comfortable being friends when she starts dating a guy who isn't you? 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Seff said:

Also she said she is not into monogamous relationships these days anyways.

This piece of info changes my opinion slightly. Are you into monogamy? If you are and she clearly isn't these days, then you guys wouldn't have worked out anyway due to an incompatible lifestyle. So, I'd focus my energies elsewhere and only remain friends if you don't mind her dating others.

 

4 hours ago, Seff said:

I'm definitely an introverted home body though, whose also very weary of catching covid.  ..My elderly mother who I see often refuses the vaccine unfortunately..

Man, I really get you... wanting to make sure nothing happens to your elderly mum. Here's the thing: you matter as much as she does. 🙂

Edited by greendots
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4 hours ago, Seff said:

I mean we will be hangin eventually. She lives close by btw. If I think of something to invite her to I will. I'm definitely an introverted home body though

Ok, stay friends since you seem to have a connection already. Best of both worlds if you can be friends as well as continue to date others. Take some ballroom dance lessons or Tai Chi or yoga or whatever to get in shape get out if the house and make friends.

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The only way you are going to appeal to the masses and be fun/exciting to talk to is to build a social life of friends and activities/hobbies. You have very little going on with your life except work. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy. 

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On 5/16/2022 at 1:11 PM, MissCanuck said:

My question still stands: are you going to feel comfortable being friends when she starts dating a guy who isn't you? 

She may be already seeing other guys as far as I know. And that is ok with me. If she started seeing someone exclusively, I would feel disappointed tbh. But that does not seem her intent these days.... Although I would like a monogamous relationship, I dont feel I am in a position to be as supportive as I'd like to be in one, atm.

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Ok so I am kinda makin an about face here. As much as I really don't want to, I think I will just have to let her go for now, because I am getting way too stressed about trying to impress her... I just want her too much I gss. I cant stop thinking about her honestly, and it is starting to effect my sleep, which I need because my work is stressful enough....

I want to leave things amicably. She usually starts a convo by sending me some link, then I ask how shes doin. This Sunday,  I think I will just emoji her message instead of continuing to a convo.... I hope that will be recieved well... and she won't be I dunno insulted or anything... 

In any case, I will continue to build a larger network of freinds in the mean time and try to branch out into other activities as well...In time. Also I am still on those dating apps.

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