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Should I bother sending this message to a woman who kinda rejected me


Seff
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Woman I've had a crush on since highschool, always had brief interactions on fb, met recently first time since then, as she needed someone with her when her cat had to be put to sleep....

 

Anyways last week, she was seeming to want to be my friend or more, then I had to go do some important stuff and I got off the phone with her kinda dismissively..... (i was stressed)

 

Anyways since then she has only talked to me breifly about stuff she had to talk to me about. Not askin bout how my day was or anythin, and I feel now that thats done, we aint gonna be talkin no more at all. Not for a long time. No doubt it was more then just me being dismissive, I have put on a lot of weight since high school lol

Anyways so she messaged me breifly this morning bout something she had to. 

I could either leave it as is, or I could send a mssge saying: welp hola if you wanna talk about anything, heh, enjoy your weekend namaste.

I feel this kind of acknowledges how things have ended up, but I dunno leaves room for her to talk to me if she wants to lol... but I dunno if it sounds too much like im pining for her or something.... 

 

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I am going to be blunt, but it appears you are acting out in a very insecure way.

You dismissed her and are building a case on how she won't want you anyway.  I suppose that will work at pushing her further away.  What is it you are afraid of?

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Its not just wieght. I have become cross eyed as well.... Before we met she was basically asking me for sex.... After we met not so much...

But you really think its because I was dismissive? I didnt want to be, I was just WAAY too overwhelmed with things.... and well if im honest, also maybe subconsciously I wanted to do it b4 she did so to me...  I guess its too late to apologize directly? I am definently insecure af. But trying...

Should I just say welp hola if you wanna talk bout anythin? 

What Im afraid of is her not responding at all at this point honestly. That would hurt.

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Posted (edited)

Is there a reason you didn't ask her out or meet with her again? Welp hola is not an attempt at showing interest. Did you ever apologize for being short with her on the phone or explain that you were stressed or having a bad day? 

I understand you're feeling insecure about your weight and eyes. What are you helping her with that she has to ask you about or talk to you about?

Edited by Rose Mosse
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15 minutes ago, Seff said:

Should I just say welp hola if you wanna talk bout anythin? 

What Im afraid of is her not responding at all at this point honestly. That would hurt.

I vote for not saying anything. You've left the door wide open. No need to open it any wider.

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Posted (edited)

Is there a reason I didnt see her again

Ok to be clear, when we met the first time she made comments like: "I ghost ppl", "I'm not free on saturdays", and "I don't trust ppl". 😞

 

....we did see each other very breifly when she asked me to bring her some food while she feelin sick from the vaccine.... during this breif encounter my body language and  voice made it clear that I was happy to see her, interested in her....

Also b4 all this we had made plans to go for a walk in a park sometime... sometime

....I mean we do have a bond of sorts about our cats, she got me mine 12 years ago and we always liking each other posts on fb since forever...

Did i ever apologize for being short?

Nope. No i did not. Because I didnt think it would make a difference. I just felt like she didnt really wanna talk with me in  the first place and was only doing so because she needed my help. I felt that I gave her what she wanted, my help without her having to talk with me... Man I can't beleive how messed up that sounds. I need help apparently.

 

....I treid talking with her a couple days after that happned she was pretty distant, not talkin much , laugh out loud

 

What was I helping her with?

She needed to borrow some moneys till her payday which was today. She sent me the money as soon as she woke up. Just seemed like she couldnt wait to pay me back and be done w me....

 

....We had made plans to do some artwork together sometime as well, but not feelin like its gonna happen anytime soon....

Edited by Seff
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The message you are proposing is rife with insecurity. It sounds like Eeyore lol.

If you want to talk to her, send her a message saying hello, I'm having a good day today and hope you are too. Want to chat later on?

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40 minutes ago, Seff said:

She sent me the money as soon as she woke up. Just seemed like she couldnt wait to pay me back and be done w me...

How long ago was highschool? Paying you back means she's a decent person, that's all.

How old is she now? Does she have a BF? Not every friendship turns into FWB.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.

Ask for a referral to a dietician, physical therapist and ophthalmologist. Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist to address the Eeyore thing.

 

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We are in our thirties.

She does not have a bf, but is lookin for fwb. Not necessarily from me ofc. I am ok with just being friends. I would ofc like more, but I'd be happy to have a friend like her.

I have seen many physicians and psycologists in the past.

I have been really depressed and stuff for a long time. The root cause of this that due to my physical appearance, more then I have shared here, I just kind of beleived deep down, that no one could love me...

...When she first messaged me and wanted to talk, after I had been there for her when her cat died, something changed in me...

I stopped doing all of my harmful and self destructive habits, and started exercising, singing, and working on my art. 

I felt like she ignited a fire in me that had long since burned out...

I'm worried that since this has happened it will start to fade again. But not as much as I can help it.

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13 minutes ago, Seff said:

I stopped doing all of my harmful and self destructive habits, and started exercising, singing, and working on my art. 

I felt like she ignited a fire in me that had long since burned out...

Ok it's a start to have friends and increase your social circle as an inspiration to feel better get healthier etc.

Join some clubs and groups, takes some classes and courses, volunteer, etc. You may have just gotten too isolated from depression, bad habits, etc..

 Think of this as the first step.

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Posted (edited)
23 minutes ago, Seff said:

I have been really depressed and stuff for a long time. The root cause of this that due to my physical appearance, more then I have shared here, I just kind of beleived deep down, that no one could love me...

Treat her as a friend then and try not to be short with her if she's friendly with you. Make new friends also who accept you based on more than your looks. Friendship takes time to grow.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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You don't have to be extraordinarily beautiful to be loved. Look around, most couples are made up of ordinary and even physically unattractive people. But they still find love.

Have confidence in yourself. Do that by getting yourself to be the best you can be. If you dislike your weight get onto a healthy program of good food and regular exercise. We all know what foods will cause us to gain weight. Avoid the chili fries and pizza and hot wings and sodas. And get outside! I go for walks and it's both good exercise and enjoyable. Do what makes sense for you.

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Thank you guys so much. Everything you three have said rings absolutely true. 

Its a first step but its a hard one for me, as yeah I have been quite isolated for wayy too long..  Seems I've become a bit socially inept ... or worse since I let this happen to a woman I really want to be in contact with.

I am starting to make friends w a couple other ppl as well, but have been kind of too afraid to meet irl. But its time. I will get over it this summer. I dunno how much extra carricular stuff I will do, but we'll see what time will allow....

My confidence has been buildin since I stopped being self destructive, but yeah still long way to go to get to target weight, finish those art pieces etc.

...But as for this woman who has sparked this all in me, and just inately inspires me to be better.... I dunno I'm thinkin now to say somethin like: 

Insert name!

Talk w me, how are you doing?

I'm so sorry if I was dismissive that day etc... you havent seems like wantin to talk much since then....

I dunno....

She liike warned me that she has a lot of ire towards ppl in general.. a bit easy to get on her bad side perhaps.

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No.

That message has both an apology and an accusation in it. It comes across as passive aggressive and insecure.

Why can't you just say something like "Hey, sorry I was a bit short with you the other day. My bad! Anyway,what are you up to this weekend? I'm probably going to do XYZ." That way it's a legit apology without groveling or accusing, and you'll come across like you have a full and active life. Instead of spending all your time on electronic devices.

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26 minutes ago, Seff said:

.But as for this woman who has sparked this all in me, and just inately inspires me to be better.... I dunno I'm thinkin now to say somethin like: 

Insert name!

Talk w me, how are you doing?

It's ok to have a muse but don't be this heavy duty. If you choose to text anything, see if she wants to get together for a coffee/drink.

Keep it light and fluffy for now no matter which way it goes...friends, acquaintances, whatever. Use properly spelled out words. Too much textspeak sounds like someone locked behind a computer for too long.

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2 hours ago, Seff said:

I felt like she ignited a fire in me that had long since burned out...

Well, maybe she did, but she sounds like a pile of problems:

58 minutes ago, Seff said:

She liike warned me that she has a lot of ire towards ppl in general..

4 hours ago, Seff said:

she made comments like: "I ghost ppl", "I'm not free on saturdays", and "I don't trust ppl".

Always listen to people when they tell you about themselves. Even your gut feelings are trying to warn you:

4 hours ago, Seff said:

I just felt like she didnt really wanna talk with me in  the first place and was only doing so because she needed my help.

She seems to have only contacted you because she wanted someone to go with her when her cat was out to sleep.

I think you should trust your gut. 

I'm sorry you are feeling so down about yourself and life in general. But I think this girl is probably nothing but bad news. She'll probably leave you feeling worse than you do now.

I wouldn't reach out with a text at all. Especially not an apologetic one.

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Posted (edited)

Im so glad I came on here instead of sending the original text I had planned. I almost sent it too, but couldn't quite bring myself to click send. Glad I listened to my gut in this instance...

I think I will not message her this weekend at all. Maybe just send a selfie waving hello next weekend, maybe even next month.

I wanna say maybe never message her again, but when I do I feel a pang of guilt or something, like thats not quite right either...

Or that giving up on her is somehow akin to just giving up in general. I mean she represents what I'm after in life I suppose. A beautiful woman with whom I share a lot of similaritities and interests with...

It sux because she really inspired a lot of hope in me, and now it kinda feels like falling into despair again would be.... would be exactly what the old me would do...

I'm not gonna let that happen though, as best I can. Instead Im gonna improve myself, and level up. But man,  findin another woman like her will be tough, I have been on those datin sites.........

Edited by Seff
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7 hours ago, Seff said:

Or that giving up on her is somehow akin to just giving up in general. I mean she represents what I'm after in life I suppose. A beautiful woman with whom I share a lot of similaritities and interests with...

Giving up on her is not giving up in general. As you correctly put it, she merely represents the beautiful companion that you are looking for. She is a placeholder.

Hold out for the real deal. Accept no substitutions!

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To be fair you can't actually say she rejected you because you haven't actually told her you like her or asked her out. I think you got ahead of yourself there already saying she's not interested before you really know if she's interested or not.

If she's not that's fine because not everyone is into everyone. I wouldn't just immediately say that it's because of your appearance. If she's only looking for FWB she could be talking to other guys too because she doesn't want anything serious.

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To be fair I did say KINDA rejected me.

But actually it is really more of a rejection yes. She and I both knew a fwb situation was on the table. And at this point its not. Did I not mention she was basically asking for sex before we met?  Well it was in the context of a fwb situation. This was very clear and said in plain english. Ofc she's talking to other guys, lol, I never said she wasn't. Yes, the extent of a relationship she is looking for is a fwb, and there's nothing wrong with that.

As to your saying its not necissarily about my physical appearance, weIl I mean sure it played a role yes, but could she also have seen in me somoene whose been withdrawn and rusty at socializing, sure yeah. 😞

I just hope she can see me in a better light next time, but what I read is that to counter first impressions, and these are first impressions irl since a long time, you have to do something pretty darn extraordinary, heh.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/13/2022 at 11:54 AM, Seff said:

Woman I've had a crush on since highschool, always had brief interactions on fb, met recently first time since then, as she needed someone with her when her cat had to be put to sleep....

Be wary of anyone you haven't seem in 1.5 decades who claims they want casual sex before they ask for money, food, etc.

Ask yourself why after 15 years she comes to you this rather than friends, family, etc.

You dodged a bullet.

Edited by Wiseman2
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