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He was texting a sex worker


aryystar
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I caught my boyfriend texting with a sex worker. He had been with her couple of years ago when we were not together. He talked about meeting her, booking a room, prices etc. but on the actual day when he had to go, he cancelled. he told her that he would have to postpone it to 2 weeks later as he’s busy. When I saw this conversation, I confronted him. He said he never intended to go. We live together and he said he is ready to make ammends in himself and wont repeat this. He also wants us to do couples counselling. My heart loves him so much and it’s seems so tough for me to leave and watch him with some othrr girl in the future (I imagined our future together and we planned it). I have also met his family and vice versa. We have the same friend circle as well. I know everyone asks to leave at this point, but how do you leave someone who has remorse? Or maybe Atleast tells me they are guilty and want to gain the trust again. 
 

what should I do? Thankyou. 

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, aryystar said:

I caught my boyfriend texting with a sex worker. He talked about meeting her, booking a room, prices etc. 

 Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he?

How long have you lived together?  Is it co-owned, co-leased or his or your place?

How did you come across this information? Get tested for STDs because what you happened upon is the tip of the iceberg. 

He is not sorry, he is sorry he got caught. He may lay low for a while but most likely find other ways to cheat and have sex with prostitutes.

 You could worry constantly, or free yourself move out and find a decent honest man who respects you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Most liars have remorse, unless they are a sociopath.  Sometimes they regret getting caught and are merely in damage control mode.   It falls short of genuine remorse that leads to change.

If he has a history of engaging sex workers and thought to contact one in the midst of a committed relationship, how does he win your trust back?  Are you always going to wonder when the next time comes.

I am a believer of the old saying 'where's there is gas, there is fire"  This is merely what you came across.  I'd hate to think what else is going on you don't know. 

He may have not gone through with it, but he's shown it's in his character to not only see sex workers but make arrangements with them still today.

You need to do what's right for you.  But this would be more than enough for me to end it.  

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DEAL-BREAKER. RED FLAGS.

Girl, don't accept the unacceptable. He has broken your trust and offered nothing to repair it. A good healthy relationship cannot go on without trust. Have some self-respect and leave to be with someone loyal and loving to you.

When you put up with this behaviour, you teach him that he can keep doing whatever he's doing and that you'll stay regardless as you have low standards and self-worth. So don't.

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Love is not the only thing that makes a relationship survive. Hollywood and Disney want you to believe it is but it isn’t . He had every intent to cheat and planned it. He doesn’t love you. Period. 
I wouldn’t waste my time honestly. Get checked for STD’s and leave . 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he?

How long have you lived together?  Is it co-owned, co-leased or his or your place?

How did you come across this information? Get tested for STDs because what you happened upon is the tip of the iceberg. 

He is not sorry, he is sorry he got caught. He may lay low for a while but most likely find other ways to cheat and have sex with prostitutes.

 You could worry constantly, or free yourself move out and find a decent honest man who respects you.

Its been more than a year now. He is 28 and im 24. 

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, cut your losses. Move out and don't look back. Sleazy men do not change their stripes.

Its a fixed term lease and I dont have another place to go to. I could give 60 day’s notice 

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2 minutes ago, aryystar said:

Its a fixed term lease and I dont have another place to go to. I could give 60 day’s notice 

Don’t stay because of a financial situation. Give your notice . 

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Why couples counseling? Somehow he was texting a sex worker and got caught but it means that now you have to work on the relationship -on communication? He communicates very well - behind your back with sex workers. 

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10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That's plenty of time to find a new place!!

Yeah which comes with living with him for the same time. Tougher to heal/move on while staying with someone. Your heart just can't stay angry for that long. I end up loving a little. 

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1 minute ago, aryystar said:

Yeah which comes with living with him for the same time. Tougher to heal/move on while staying with someone. Your heart just can't stay angry for that long. I end up loving a little. 

Yes -this is why a healthy relationship requires head and heart.  Of course you still have feelings for him.  Where's your heart as far as self-love? You choose to react to your feelings of love by choosing not to subject yourself to STDs or waste time on counseling with a person more interested in being counseled by a sex worker -pillow talk.

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27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why couples counseling? Somehow he was texting a sex worker and got caught but it means that now you have to work on the relationship -on communication? He communicates very well - behind your back with sex workers. 

I agree. You weren't the one who cheated, so why do you need counseling?

Did he actually book an appointment with a counselor? Or did he just SAY he wants to attend counseling? If he doesn't follow through, he didn't want to attend counseling, he just wanted you off his back.

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He cheated on you. Maybe not physically (yet)

Can you accept this? He didn't even full back-out of the sex worker, just postponed it.

 

I am sorry but anytime I am in love with someone, I do not plan to sleep with anyone else. ESPECIALLY a sex worker, to me that's even more pathetic of him. 

 

You will never feel valued by this man again. Because you know, despite all the love you give, the sex etc... he was still going to run off to a hooker. Will you ever be able to reconcile with that?

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37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. You weren't the one who cheated, so why do you need counseling?

Did he actually book an appointment with a counselor? Or did he just SAY he wants to attend counseling? If he doesn't follow through, he didn't want to attend counseling, he just wanted you off his back.

He booked it 😞

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Posted (edited)
59 minutes ago, aryystar said:

Yeah which comes with living with him for the same time. Tougher to heal/move on while staying with someone. Your heart just can't stay angry for that long. I end up loving a little. 

True. However you are overinvested and overinvolved and he is underinvested and underinvolved.

You are attached and familiar with who you hoped and thought he was. But that is unfortunately who he really is, if he's been living a  double life.

 Talk to trusted friends and family. If your name is on the lease you'll have to talk to the landlord about getting yourself out of it. Sever finances and work on the logistics of getting your own place. Look for roommates, houseshares, etc.

 Do Not sleep with him in the meantime. Not only because you don't know what type of STDs he's dragging home, but to detach emotionally. Let him sleep on the sofa. He'll know why.

Do Not go to couples counseling. That will be him playing victim replete with crocodile tears so he can take you for a fool again.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 minutes ago, aryystar said:

He booked it 😞

When is the appointment?

I would go to one appointment just to get the counselor's perspective. It's often good to get an unbiased opinion. If he makes excuses, tries to blame you or minimizes what he did, you'll see that too.

But also have a plan in place to move out on your own. Landlords will often allow you out of a lease if there are extenuating circumstances. 

And yes, do not have sex with him. Both of you need STD testing.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. However you are overinvested and overinvolved and he is underinvested and underinvolved.

You are attached and familiar with who though hoped and thought he was. But that is unfortunately who he really is if he's been living a b double life.

 Talk to trusted friends and family. If your name is on the lease you'll have to talk to the landlord about getting yourself out of it.

 Do Not sleep with him in the meantime. Not only because you don't know what type of STDs he's dragging home, but to detach emotionally. Let him sleep on the sofa. He'll know why.

Do Not go to couples counseling. That will be him playing victim replete with crocodile tears so he can take you for a fool again.

Yeah. I understand. We’ve always been open with each other about what’s going on in our lives. Never hid our phones n stuff. And i didnt find anything questionable in the past year (with all access to his technology and stuff). Its just so unfair to go through this. My parents dont even live in the same country as mine. He became family when I moved here. I know the right path, its just the harder road

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

When is the appointment?

I would go to one appointment just to get the counselor's perspective. It's often good to get an unbiased opinion. If he makes excuses, tries to blame you or minimizes what he did, you'll see that too.

But also have a plan in place to move out on your own. Landlords will often allow you out of a lease if there are extenuating circumstances. 

And yes, do not have sex with him. Both of you need STD testing.

It is may 18th. 

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Posted (edited)

The quicker you’re out of this living situation the less likely you’ll feel as attached as you are now. Even if he didn’t intend to meet with anyone he was communicating with the intention to do so for the other party. There’s all kinds of duplicity going on. 

It’s hard but rethink the relationship.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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4 hours ago, aryystar said:

Yeah which comes with living with him for the same time. Tougher to heal/move on while staying with someone. Your heart just can't stay angry for that long. I end up loving a little. 

I get it. But let that be incentive to finding a new place as soon as you can. Rent a room if you have to. Sleep on a friend's couch. 

3 hours ago, aryystar said:

He booked it 😞

Find an excuse not to go. Something came up at work. Your car broke down. Lie. He does. 

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