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4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Is this dumb to think that if the weekend goes by and she never messages me, that I should assume she isn’t interested. Would someone seriously just wait for you to keep chasing if they were really interested. Because if that’s the case I’m going to just go full silent and save myself the headache now.

 

4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I just broke the silence. Anyways I’m over myself. I think you guys are right, I’m too busy over thinking this and it’s not worth it. 

 

Are you prone to limerence? Because going from "very low mood" to almost ecstatic because you texted her is something person prone to limerence would do. 

Anyway, relax, your mood shouldnt oscilate that much. Its not good for relationships in general. Go "baby steps". You had first date, she seem to be interested in second. Again, if she make excuse again, than you can move on. Bottom line is that its OK if she does, OK if she doesnt. You have a fear of rejection so its maybe hard to see that way. But you will need to develop that if you date. Not all would be up for a second date. 

You are generally right. And that she wouldnt let you fade away if she is that interested. However, you need to understand that not all have the same style when it comes to dating. She may like you but not like you that much to chase you and expected you to do that part. She maybe has multiple admirers so if you fall through, the other wont etc. Again, its beggining so dont look at it seriously until it starts to get serious.

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She just texted me I think we may be looking for different things. I think she was just looking for a way out. 

Well, I’m glad I reached out. Now I just just move forward. I felt like something was off and she didn’t want to own up to it. 

Im not sure if it was my communication style or if she met someone else. Either way this was annoying but maybe better sooner then later.

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Posted (edited)

This is really annoying. I think she was just getting pissed at me for not texting her sooner and checking in with her. And then she was telling me that since I kept saying I’m just introverted instead of understanding what she was saying she was getting frustrated.

Im really upset right now. I hate being in these situations. I’m like crying now. I feel like I either push people away or scared to let them in and just lonely always. Literally can’t tell when people are lying to me or not, it’s hard to know when someone’s is manipulating you.

How are other people reading this, am I the *** or is she being distant, why isn’t the onus on me to reach out. WTH?

Edited by junebug123
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11 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

This is really annoying. I think she was just getting pissed at me for not texting her sooner and checking in with her. And then she was telling me that since I kept saying I’m just introverted instead of understanding what she was saying she was getting frustrated.

Im really upset right now. I hate being in these situations. I’m like crying now. I feel like I either push people away or scared to let them in and just lonely always. Literally can’t tell when people are lying to me or not, it’s hard to know when someone’s is manipulating you.

How are other people reading this, am I the *** or is she being distant, why isn’t the onus on me to reach out. WTH?

Since you barely know her assume it's nothing personal and assume much of it is just excuses because she doesn't want to go with the vague it's not you it's me.  And some people are simply high maintenance.  Or have disordered thinking especially when it comes to dating . Dating requires a thick skin.  She can't manipulate you unless you allow it as she's someone you only met once or twice and there's no need ever to see her again.  People who don't know each other can have very different perspectives.

Example  - in about 2006 I met a guy at an event sponsored by my place of worship.  We chatted for quite awhile and didn't flirt.  We chatted about something related to the event or some innocuous topic like travel.  I mentioned my boyfriend during the conversation.  I assumed he heard me say that -perhaps he didn't. We left the event together, walked halfway down the block said goodbye.  He was able to search my phone number.  He left me a message telling me he enjoyed speaking with me and inviting me to an event where he would be speaking. 

The tone of the message was clearly to express that he was interested in dating me.  I was surprised as I'd mentioned having a boyfriend and I did not flirt with him.  But for all I know he felt lead on and was annoyed with me for not responding to his message (I didn't -what was the point? I wasn't going to attend the event he mentioned and he was a stranger).

I went on several dates where the man insisted he would call me, asked if I wanted to see a certain movie the following weekend, told me he had a great time and hoped to see me again andddddd -never heard from him again.  I sometimes felt disappointed, sometimes wondered but always always moved on ASAP because my ego was not the priority -finding the right person was.  And letting myself get all upset and dragged down by a near stranger made no sense at all and would be me getting in my own way.  I chose how to react to my feelings.  I suggest the same for you. 

Dating is annoying, can be stressful, hard work and last night my son came home and said he wanted some time just for us --- to make paper airplanes for a project for school.  He's 13 and he still wants to hang with me. 

He wouldn't be here if I'd been jaded and cynical about men from all the dating disappointments and flakiness I experienced.  I'd not have been ready to fall in love with my husband.  Or be the mom of a boy and raise my boy with the right mindset about people -can you imagine trying to raise a child if you come with a ton of cynicsm and think people are out to manipulate you?

 

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It was only two dates. No reason to get upended because a woman you barely know decided not to go on another date with you.

Yes, she should have told you instead of dragging it out by saying she will get back to you with her schedule. But that's not a slam against you. That seems to be what she decided to do, not because you did something "wrong" but that's possibly just how she operates.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. But all of us have been in the situation where we liked someone but it turned out they didn't like us back. Or someone likes us but we didn't like them back. We just dust ourselves off and get back out there. You can, too.

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Posted (edited)

We ended up texting a lot after I reached out and I think we came to a resolution. I think we are both just feeling insecure and afraid of getting hurt.

 

i think she was just looking to me to assure her. I still don’t know if she’s manipulating me but I can’t really control that. I think the more I like someone the more guarded and insecure I become. 

I just need to relax. Ugh that was really emotionally exhausting for me. I’m going to think about what you guys wrote here and use that for future perspective for this situation and others.

 

Edited by junebug123
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Oh wow, please slow down. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It was not right of her to start getting angry with you or rude with you. 

You don't know this person very well and you're already having this effect on one another.

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18 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I went on two dates with this girl.

Yes relax. She seems to like you, so just go with it.

Keep appropriate upbeat communication and focus on setting up dates. It's two dates. Stop the heavy-duty relationship talks. She's not a therapist.

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2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

How are other people reading this, am I the *** or is she being distant, why isn’t the onus on me to reach out. WTH?

That is OK. You have to "roll with the punches" and just move on.

You have to know that nobody would just tell you they want to fade away. Whether because they dont want to be a bad guy or just because of convenience. That is why you reached out and know where you stand. Whether she just made excuse not to be a bad guy, or just got pissy you havent contacted before, its irrelevant. Now you know and can move on. So, I wouldnt blame myself if I was you. 

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2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I think we are both just feeling insecure and afraid of getting hurt.

Everyone with rare exception feels that way about dating at one point or another.  Some choose to react by not dating or by not dating certain people and others choose not to let it get in the way of dating.  Assume you two didn't click properly for whatever reason as happens with many many people after a few dates.

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7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

We ended up texting a lot after I reached out and I think we came to a resolution. I think we are both just feeling insecure and afraid of getting hurt.

 

i think she was just looking to me to assure her. I still don’t know if she’s manipulating me but I can’t really control that. I think the more I like someone the more guarded and insecure I become. 

I just need to relax. Ugh that was really emotionally exhausting for me. I’m going to think about what you guys wrote here and use that for future perspective for this situation and others.

 

Well, what did she say? Are you getting together again, or not?

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8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I think we came to a resolution.

What is that resolution? 

8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I think we are both just feeling insecure and afraid of getting hurt.

Why do you think this - what did she say? 

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9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Well, what did she say? Are you getting together again, or not?

We texted a lot yesterday. It felt like close to two and a half hours. In fact everything was going to smoothly that I got her to come out with me again that same night.

We went out to this pool house. Sort of smoked a joint and drank a little before we went in, I think she’s sort of a party girl and drugs and alcohol are a theme in our dates. I sort of just go with it because I partially just want to make her feel at ease but I also rarely engage in those activities and it’s nice to do that once in a while.

She was being her usual self, slightly distant in the beginning of the date and then usually warming up to me towards the end. This time thou, she was just being combative and hyper focusing on any little negative thing I said. I couldn’t tell if she was really stressed from work and letting it carry on into the date but it was really really hard to deal with.

She would just use any thing I said as an excuse to attack me and later play it off like it was a game. I felt like she was just testing me to get a rise out of me and I wasn’t really reacting in a way she thought I would. I guess I can be extremely reserved at times and repressed with my emotions.

Anyways, that just seemed to add fuel to the fire because it was just getting exhausting having this game go on where she was just on offensive for the entire night, letting up every now and then to allow things to blow over before finding a future topic to go on offensive about.

Things really got crazy when she asked me about some negative traits my ex would say about me. And hook line and sinker I just said the most negative things I could about myself. I’m not sure if I did that subconsciously because I was getting so annoyed at her behavior of if I was really being genuine. But I should have known what was going to happen next based on what happened the first 5 times of the night.

I think she had 2 joints and 4 drinks by the end of the night and I had a drink less then her. Definitely I felt like she was trying to waste my time and put me off and waste my money all at the same time.

I felt like if she didn’t like me, she could have just not went out with me. I had probably spent about 300 dollars on dates with her by this point and I made her pick up the check at the taco place to which she was annoyed at. I was planning to do that anyways but it was getting to the point where I was confused as to why I was wasting money trying to date someone this insane at that point.

Im still confused as to whether or not this person is actually crazy or that they were just not interested in me and trying to sabotage the date and this was a round about way of doing this. But either way, I sent her an extremely long text message this morning about how her behavior was received and I’m just trying to cut my losses at this point.

I probably should have just ghosted her at this point and maybe this is why she’s still single. I feel sad that things didn’t work out but maybe the signs were there all along and I kept ignoring them.

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

felt like if she didn’t like me, she could have just not went out with me. I had probably spent about 300 dollars on dates with her by this point and I made her pick up the check at the taco place to which she was annoyed at.

Well, some would love to take advantage.

As you said, cut your losses. You gave her the benefit of the doubt as part of you was feeling she was off... And there indeed she was.

Safe to say... Stick with dates/people that make you feel at ease and bring out the best of you.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Now that I think about it. This was the dynamic since the very first date. I think we both saw these traits in the other but choose to ignore them because there was physical attraction. 

I think I just needed to be with someone who was less logical and combative. She responded immediately and I realize she wasn’t trying to attack me at all. I think she was generally trying to get to know me better but in a way that was sort of like personal and invasive. 

I ended it shortly after and I think we both feel the same, like in terms of job status and looks we are on the same page. But in terms of core values and personality it’s like constant ego battles and debates.

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1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

I think I just needed to be with someone who was less logical and combative. She responded immediately and I realize she wasn’t trying to attack me at all. I think she was generally trying to get to know me better but in a way that was sort of like personal and invasive. 

Ah. She may just be very direct (like me lol). Definitely not everyone's cup of tea. I think it's smart of you to end things instead of capitulate to physical attraction. 

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2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Sort of smoked a joint and drank a little before we went in, I think she’s sort of a party girl and drugs and alcohol are a theme in our dates. she was just being combative and hyper focusing on any little negative thing I said.

I think she had 2 joints and 4 drinks by the end of the night and I had a drink less then her.

Try staying clean and sober on dates with people you are interested in. This is crazy.

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3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

We texted a lot yesterday. It felt like close to two and a half hours. In fact everything was going to smoothly that I got her to come out with me again that same night.

We went out to this pool house. Sort of smoked a joint and drank a little before we went in, I think she’s sort of a party girl and drugs and alcohol are a theme in our dates. I sort of just go with it because I partially just want to make her feel at ease but I also rarely engage in those activities and it’s nice to do that once in a while.

She was being her usual self, slightly distant in the beginning of the date and then usually warming up to me towards the end. This time thou, she was just being combative and hyper focusing on any little negative thing I said. I couldn’t tell if she was really stressed from work and letting it carry on into the date but it was really really hard to deal with.

She would just use any thing I said as an excuse to attack me and later play it off like it was a game. I felt like she was just testing me to get a rise out of me and I wasn’t really reacting in a way she thought I would. I guess I can be extremely reserved at times and repressed with my emotions.

Anyways, that just seemed to add fuel to the fire because it was just getting exhausting having this game go on where she was just on offensive for the entire night, letting up every now and then to allow things to blow over before finding a future topic to go on offensive about.

Things really got crazy when she asked me about some negative traits my ex would say about me. And hook line and sinker I just said the most negative things I could about myself. I’m not sure if I did that subconsciously because I was getting so annoyed at her behavior of if I was really being genuine. But I should have known what was going to happen next based on what happened the first 5 times of the night.

I think she had 2 joints and 4 drinks by the end of the night and I had a drink less then her. Definitely I felt like she was trying to waste my time and put me off and waste my money all at the same time.

I felt like if she didn’t like me, she could have just not went out with me. I had probably spent about 300 dollars on dates with her by this point and I made her pick up the check at the taco place to which she was annoyed at. I was planning to do that anyways but it was getting to the point where I was confused as to why I was wasting money trying to date someone this insane at that point.

Im still confused as to whether or not this person is actually crazy or that they were just not interested in me and trying to sabotage the date and this was a round about way of doing this. But either way, I sent her an extremely long text message this morning about how her behavior was received and I’m just trying to cut my losses at this point.

I probably should have just ghosted her at this point and maybe this is why she’s still single. I feel sad that things didn’t work out but maybe the signs were there all along and I kept ignoring them.

Let her go. She may be a friend of a friend so keep the gossip and hearsay to a minimum in regards to your social circles. Move on with class. You tried and now you know what she's like. Frankly she was bad news since you reached out to her again. 

If you feel someone is wasting your time or money, excuse yourself and leave. Cut the date short and don't see them again. When you feel ready date again and avoid the drugs and alcohol.

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I'd also avoid long texts that accuse or criticize someone else- don't hide behind a screen -do the right thing and at least have a phone conversation. That way you don't appear like a coward who just wants to vent.  Or skip the vent and decide that you don't need to express your feelings or lecture someone you barely know.

There's no "theme" in your dates -you went on a few dates and in each one you chose to get drunk and/or wasted - don't elevate those sorts of behaviors to a "theme."  If you truly are interested in getting to know another person stay sober -and as a man you don't want to be in a situation where someone questions whether there was consent for sex or whatever.  Or be drunk and choose to have unprotected sex.  

You two are not a match it seems and that happens and is far more likely to happen when the two people choose to get drunk or stoned and can't really get to know each other.

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What sorts of things was she asking you? 

She asked me this question of where I saw myself in 5 years. I’m currently working as a developer and I had told her before that I wanted to start my own video game company. 

We had talked about this before. She goes on, what’s going to set your game apart from other games. I simply replied just based on my creative nature, art style and programming ability.

Basically, it was a bunch of leading questions that the interviewer isn’t satisfied with anything you say. That was an small example of how the night was going.

To be honest I think she’s just a very insecure women. I think she had already made up her mind about me the moment I told her the area I was living in. On a previous date she asked me how much other people in my area pay for rent. 

I told her somewhere between 1350-1500 a month. And even thou we talked a little after that through text, she basically pulled away from me. Never giving me her schedule or reaching out to establish plans.

It’s fine, I’m sort of over it already and know the real reason. I think she was just having second thoughts about her decision and wanted to prove to herself that, that wasn’t the real reason she didn’t want to date me.

But, it’s very difficult to get someone upset who is generally interested and a good person. So it was really her who looked like a fool throughout the night. I’m not even sure if she realized what she was doing but it was obvious to me.

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