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Sex Too Soon, Can You Recover?


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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you feel comfortable with paying for the "sins" of these other men by abstaining from sex after you had sex and also you can't have sex with anyone else while she decides what to do? 

So as it stands now, you want a potentially serious relationship with her.  She wants to hang out with you and hook up but no sex.  She won't have sex with anyone else but she can date or try to date whoever she pleases as can you.  So how do you expect to build something potentially serious if all she will commit to is not having sex with anyone until she figures out whether she can get over her fears and baggage and have sex with you again?

Is it ideal for me, no... As for me having sex with anyone else, she never said anything for or against that. Not sure how she would react if I did. I am pretty confident she likes me, so I would imagine she would feel crappy. 

I do not feel strongly about having sex with anyone else. I would like to have sex with her, because I like her, it's good, we have great sexual chemistry. I am trying to respect her boundaries. But I do acknowledge it leaves me a little vulnerable. I don't think saying "If you don't want to have sex with me right now then I am gone"... I do not think that is a fair ultimatum if one truly likes someone in a way completely more than just sex. 

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I would not give her the benefit of your chatting company so you don't get more invested in this and waste time on a person who is too scared to have sex with you but also doesn't care if she loses you to someone else - she is not exclusively dating you.  Why be "patient" to wait around to see if she wants to have sex again when you two have no understanding about being together in a potentially serious relationship.  I could see patience if you two were seriously dating -committed -and she then put the brakes on sex because of some type of PTSD or anxiety issues -then you're an established couple working together on a sexual issue because what you already have is a strong, committed, foundation. 

If she gets over her "fear" of getting attached too soon then all it means is she won't be afraid to have intercourse. That's the prize.  It doesn't mean at all she'll want to date you exclusively.  If she saw potential for a serious relationship but realized that intercourse happened too soon, she'd want to date you exclusively and be romantic and affectionate and hold off on sex for now.  

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2 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Is it ideal for me, no... As for me having sex with anyone else, she never said anything for or against that. Not sure how she would react if I did. I am pretty confident she likes me, so I would imagine she would feel crappy. 

I do not feel strongly about having sex with anyone else. I would like to have sex with her, because I like her, it's good, we have great sexual chemistry. I am trying to respect her boundaries. But I do acknowledge it leaves me a little vulnerable. I don't think saying "If you don't want to have sex with me right now then I am gone"... I do not think that is a fair ultimatum if one truly likes someone in a way completely more than just sex. 

But you two have no understanding that reflects that. You're not dating exclusively -so why should she think this is more than hanging out and hooking up? I think it's fine to move on when someone says that the reason why they don't want to go back to having sex with you is because they're afraid of getting too attached -and also won't date you exclusively.  (See what I wrote above).  If you knew that all she would ever give you is what you have right now -plus maybe go back to having intercourse with you - how long would you stay?

There's no indication at all she wants a potentially serious relationship with you -she just wants you to keep chatting with her daily, be available to hang out and hook up sans sex and then if she gets over her fear that sex will make her feel vulnerable to you -or she doesn't care cause the orgasm is worth it - she then also has an available and monogamous sex partner.

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18 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Not by me, but by other men. No I did not force her. Not that anyone assaulted her, but used or manipulated her.

She told me back before (over a year ago, well before I knew her) she slept around with a few people when single. 

I guess two different men then became too far. One she had to get a restraining order again, because he didn't want to take no for an answer. Another, he started harassing her via text, so she blocked him. Then, he changed or got a different number and started doing it again. 

And what exactly does any of that have to do with you?

She's basically saying she thinks you're like those other men. That's not cool.

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If she saw potential for a serious relationship but realized that intercourse happened too soon, she'd want to date you exclusively and be romantic and affectionate and hold off on sex for now.  

That's it OP. That's what should happen. If you want to talk with her, talk about THAT. If she says she doesn't want that for whatever reason, then she's leading you on and she's not that into you. In this case, you out.

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not give her the benefit of your chatting company so you don't get more invested in this and waste time on a person who is too scared to have sex with you but also doesn't care if she loses you to someone else - she is not exclusively dating you.  Why be "patient" to wait around to see if she wants to have sex again when you two have no understanding about being together in a potentially serious relationship.  I could see patience if you two were seriously dating -committed -and she then put the brakes on sex because of some type of PTSD or anxiety issues -then you're an established couple working together on a sexual issue because what you already have is a strong, committed, foundation. 

If she gets over her "fear" of getting attached too soon then all it means is she won't be afraid to have intercourse. That's the prize.  It doesn't mean at all she'll want to date you exclusively.  If she saw potential for a serious relationship but realized that intercourse happened too soon, she'd want to date you exclusively and be romantic and affectionate and hold off on sex for now.  

I suppose a lot of it is I am trying to be patient. She's been gone for the last month visiting her family out of state. I did go visit her for a few days, and it went really well overall I would say. But I know she has some things going on with her family etc. 

So I am trying to be patient and see how things are when she gets back, before I make any rash moves.

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And what exactly does any of that have to do with you?

She's basically saying she thinks you're like those other men. That's not cool.

 

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And what exactly does any of that have to do with you?

She's basically saying she thinks you're like those other men. That's not cool.

I don't think that's the case at all. She wouldn't be around me if she did. I think she suffered some trauma, so naturally she is a little guarded. Who isn't?

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11 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's it OP. That's what should happen. If you want to talk with her, talk about THAT. If she says she doesn't want that for whatever reason, then she's leading you on and she's not that into you. In this case, you out.

Agreed, I think that is a fair point to make. As I mentioned to someone else, she has been gone for a month and a half visiting family, and I think she is homesick and going insane lol.

She comes home early next week for a few days (before leaving for another one more trip for week). I am trying to be patient until we are around in each-other in person more, where we met and live. Trying to gauge how it goes then.

I do agree though, if she really likes me enough, she should want to be exclusively dating, even if sex is still off the table .

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2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I don't think that's the case at all. She wouldn't be around me if she did. I think she suffered some trauma, so naturally she is a little guarded. Who isn't?

People who suffer trauma to the extent she says she has -to the extent that she's guarded around a person who cares for her - often are not ready to date.  She is ready to hang out and hook up when it's convenient for her, happy to chat and type back and forth - and she's unavailable -for whatever reason -whether it's her past trauma or because she is not seeing potential with you or both or neither - for a potentially serious relationship with you.  Being "patient" won't change that.  Being "patient" might at some point yield the result that she's willing to have sex again - so decide whether that's what you want and all that you want.

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I guess I don't get why she's not too traumatized to have hookups but too traumatized to have sex within a caring relationship. 

Does she think a caring relationship opens her up to getting emotionally hurt, while allowing her body to engage in casual sex will protect her emotionally? Like she can separate her emotions from her body when she has hookups or something?

I guess if you want to wait around until she's convinced you're not out to damage her and you have the time and patience to wait, there's nothing wrong with that. But I get the impression you're not exactly happy with having to wait.

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21 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I had a friend that's a girl. We hooked up several times in about two weeks or so. 

We both took a step back. The interest, chemistry was there, but we agreed we did not want to be FWB

If the attraction, chemistry and compatibility is there, there's no such thing as "sex too soon", nor do you have to do a dance of two steps forward one step back.

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I'm not clear about whether you have a question that's different from your other thread.

It sounds like this is rehashing the same things. Did we not give you good enough feedback last conversation?

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You're bound and determined to stick this out, so as I suggested in your previous thread, come up with a personal timeline of how long you'll wait in this limbo if it never moves to the next level. Although I would never be in this situation, my advice to you would be to move on after a four month period. 

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On 5/13/2022 at 5:51 AM, Kwothe28 said:

the person who is into you wouldnt put invisible walls there. Even when it comes to sex.

+1 on this, I fooled around with my 25+ year husband way early, our chemistry was off the charts and never once did I complain (not even internally) we didn't "start out the right way."  Folks' boundaries are all over how they think about this, he was European so I didn't have that stigma attached to my succumbing to his charms too soon.  YMMV.  Good luck...

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On 5/13/2022 at 12:28 PM, EitherDare0 said:

Well I for one would like one, she I think is still feeling it out. I think a lot of her lack of wanting to have sex is because she doesn't want too become too attached too soon. I think she is vulnerable, that's my opinion. Actually, I know that's got to be it, as she mentioned that once. OR at least part of it.

She is still out of town. She will be back for a few days next week before leaving for another week, So I am trying to be patient. We talk daily, but I am trying to wait until she is in-person and see where things go. 

Yeah, do that. Proceed wanting a relationship and as other posters said. If it doesn't go your way after a reasonable amount of time has passed, have enough respect for yourself to bow out and look for someone who wants to be with you. 

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